Star Wars Episode VII: A Galaxy Facepalms

THE APOCALYPSE IS UPON US.

George F**king Lucas has once again sold out to make mountains of money, but this time it'll be even more painful than the Ewoks, Jar-Jar Binks, and The Clone Wars combined. He sold Lucasfilm arts to the god damn Disney corporation. Yeah-- DISNEY. And you KNOW what I think about Disney. It should die.

But it gets far, far worse. Disney announced that they are now working on Star Wars Episodes VII, VIII, and IX. We are so screwed. Now, it's not like I KNOW they're going to suck, but what do you think? Darth Vader died. The Emperor died. Now there's only one villain left to kill: Jar-Jar. Hmm... if that's the plot, maybe the title of my blog post should have been 'A Galaxy Rejoices'.

The important thing to remember is that Lucas was a terrible director anyway. The best Star Wars movie (The Empire Strikes Back) was only the best because Lucas had virtually no part in it. Then again, we didn't think things could get any worse after the Ewoks, and we were wrong, weren't we?


But I don't care. As much as I hate these movies, I can't help but go see the new ones AS SOON AS THEY COME OUT. It's an absolute must-see. Set your timers for 2015, people. This is important. Or maybe the world will end in December and we won't have to worry about this at all. But seriously, how will they go about this? They can't use Harrison Ford. But at the same time, they really have to. They need an entirely new arrangement of heroes and villains. It's such a pain...

In other news, there's a hurricane doing more damage to New Jersey then Chris Christie did. Which is something big. Unfortunately, the crew from Jersey Shore was somehow spared horrific deaths. Why even bother having a hurricane then? It's pointless.

I love it here in California, where the only thing you have to worry about is the constant thought that an earthquake could strike at any minute. I won't get into it all, but click HERE for my list about all the impending natural (an unnatural) disasters ready to strike the 50 states at any minute.

Bye!

Pollmaster General

A genius idea occurred to me in Science class today. We were sitting there, talking about other planets and why things weigh less or more on them, and it hit me: We should build a fat camp on the moon. Stupid fat people would go there, weigh themselves, and think that it had worked. It's an ingenious idea that would:

A) Move all the fat people to another planet.
B) Restore faith in our space program.
C) Make the US billions of dollars in revenue from stupid fat people trying to get skinny.

It's a foolproof plan. And the best part? We would keep them there for, like, a month. Then we would bring them back to Earth on a shuttle, and then they would realize that they had actually GAINED weight! Then they'd sign up for it again. It's a self-sustaining cycle of stupidity that could make us billionaires.


But I can't waste this entire blog post on a Moon Fat Camp, so I'll devote the rest of this mildly interesting post to something for more important: THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION!!!

As you may know, recent polls have found that Obama and Romney are virtually tied in almost all of the major swing states, meaning that we now must face the small yet real statistical possibility of the presidential election being tied. No, that doesn't mean that it'll come down to one guy in Barn Muffin, Ohio. It means that the ELECTORAL COLLEGE, the retarded system that we still use to decide the outcome of elections, might be split evenly.

It'll take a perfectly even split: The overall electoral votes of every state is 538 (you'll notice that that's an even number). Therefore, the idea we've been rolling with for 200 years is false: An election will not always be decided immediately. 270 is the magic number for a national majority, and it means that whoever gets 270 electoral votes or more wins automatically. But we could have a 269-269 split, where neither candidate gets the presidency.

But wait, there's more! If that were to happen, the House of Representatives would vote on which candidate becomes president. There's just one problem. Instead of every Representative getting a vote, every STATE gets a vote. This means that, although the House is assembled by population number, Wyoming's single congressman would get the same number of votes as all of California's.

You can just see that, can't you? The idiot would walk up to a mirror and say "Well, thank you all for coming. Let's get started. As you know, we are required to vote on the President of the United States. All for Romney say 'aye'. AYE! Well, that was conclusive! Romney wins by a stunning 100%!"

That means that, just because of the arbitrary lines in the sand that represent the state's borders, the dozens of crappy, underpopulated red states would outvote the few, highly populated blue states. But in an even more complex scenario, consider this: There are 50 states. Which means that there could conceivably be YET ANOTHER TIE! In a horrific situation like this, the Speaker of the House would become 'acting president' until the chambers could get their s**t together.

And what would the senate be doing meanwhile, you ask? They get to vote on the VICE president. Meaning that we could end up with President Romney and Vice President Biden. I'm sure we'd get stuff done then! And, of course, there are 100 senators, meaning that there could be another tie.

If something like this DOES happen, there will only be one upside--- Maybe we'll finally get around to reforming the ludicrous 18th century processes we have in place right now. But until then, who cares!

Bye!

The Great Debates Part III: Hello Mitty

Before I get into my actual blog content--- HOW ABOUT DEM GIANTS??? AWWWW YEAAAAH!!! SUCK ON SUMMA DAT, SAINT LOUIS!!! The Giants are going to the World Series for the second time in three years, and it was all because of last night's epic defeat of the Cardinals. NINE TO NOTHING!!! Day-um. That's not bad. But I won't get so worked up over this yet. I won't be too disappointed if they lose the World Series this year, mainly because Detroit really needs a win. Like, REALLY.

Meanwhile, the latest and last PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE OF PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE-NESS was last night, and it looks like a win for Obama. It might have been a total draw, if it weren't for the 'bayonets' line. Romney was complaining about how the Navy doesn't have as many ships as they used to, and Obama said "Well, we don't have as many horses and bayonets as we used to, either." It was pretty badass.

Romney looked like his usual emotionless self during the debate, but Obama seems to have grown a spine in recent weeks and begun to stand up to the GOD DAMN REPUBLICANS. Or maybe he's just using the latest in Vertco® technology, the Patented Detachable Spinal Column!


The DSC simply attaches onto the user's back, allowing them to stand up straight for what they believe in! Note: This does not work on EPA workers.

So, when we get down to it, do the debates even matter? No. The only reason any of this crap should make the slightest difference is if there's either a massive gaffe or an ultimately quotable line in it, like the phrase 'Binders of Women'. Yeah, I'm still on that.

So it looks as if we have a real horse race on our hands! Neither candidate has thus far proven capable of electrifying their base the way they did back in 2008. Oh, wait... Romney didn't ever do that. Ever. He was actually the second or third choice for REPUBLICANS. But if these idiots in the GOP can forget things that happened two months ago, what's four years to them?

Bye!

Argo

I was thinking this week about what I could be for Halloween. I know, I'm almost 15, which is why I consistently need to make the costumes exceedingly ridiculous. Last year, I was a "Young, enterprising soon-to-be voter poised to take over the country when you're old and frail!" It did really well, in terms of scariness.

Don't get me wrong-- I hate Halloween. The stupid costumes, the ridiculous decorations, the hypocrisy of taking candy from strangers. Which is why every year I mock the crass consumerism of this moronic holiday with another ridiculous costume. Hence, this year, I'm dressing up as a Mormon. I'll get a Mitt Romney mask, wear a button-down shirt with rolled up sleeves, and go door to door saying "Have YOU found Jesus?" Or words to that effect. I know, I know... it might just be TOO scary.

Every Halloween I feel like that guy in the movie Lethal Weapon, who says "I'm gettin' too old for this s**t". But I always feel compelled to do another send-up of it with some deranged costume that would get me kicked out of any normal Halloween party.

I had other things to do this weekend too, but they never can infringe on my usual weekly PATENTED G-FORCE MOVIE REVIEW!!! This week, we have Argo, the newest suspense thriller from Ben Affleck. It chronicles the ludicrous attempt to exfiltrate six US embassy workers who escaped the riots in Iran. Ben Affleck plays Tony Mendez, a CIA agent with a plan to get them out using a fake movie called 'Argo', which is basically a low-budget Star Wars rip-off. Right off the bat, you know this isn't going to be your run-of-the-mill thriller-- Not only does it have a gripping plot (which also happens to be a true story), but it has John Goodman as a Hollywood makeup artist who adds a welcome amount of humor to an otherwise unfunny situation.

 
Affleck, of course, also directed and acted in 2010's The Town, which received several awards and critical commendations, yet I hated. So seeing as Argo was also critically lauded, I went in nervous that I would once again find myself in the minority opinion.

Wow, I was wrong--- Argo blew me away. I can't say too much about it without spoiling some of the best scenes, but I can say this. Every scene rippled with intensity. Even in the least interesting moments, Argo will have you on the edge of your seat. And the amazing thing is that it's a true story, which is a good thing: If it wasn't, it would probably be dismissed as too ridiculous even for Hollywood.

But no, this really happened. And as you can see by the final scene (where the movie scenes are interspersed with actual footage from the 1970s), the filmmakers went into painstaking detail to cast people who actually looked like the men and women in real life. Argo's biggest triumph, however, may be that it instills upon the viewer a sense of patriotism and national pride that not many other movies can. It could turn a peace-loving hippie into a glorified chicken hawk who wants to get his empire on.

It also does a great job of showcasing just how messed up Iran has become. When Ayatollah Khomeini died, grieving mourners ripped apart his body out of pure insanity. And so, there are 12,000 bootleg 'Ayatollah fingers' on eBay for thousands of dollars each. It's up to you to decide which ones are real and which ones are just the fingers of poor, desperate Iranians trying to make a few bucks by slicing off their fingers.

Since then, Iran has gotten worse.

So, final score for Argo? 9/10 stars. The only (the ONLY) problem I had with it was the overuse of the phrase "Ar-Go f**k yourself", which wasn't even that funny the first time. But that's it. This will go down in history as a great movie, not just of 2012, but of all time. We finally have a worthy candidate for Best Picture, and I can actually get behind it.

Bye!

Reformers

I'm a little fearful for my safety right now. You see, my blog was just read in Albania for the first time, and it seems as if the obvious reason is my recent post about Taken 2. However, the translation might not be very good (especially the part about nuking Tirana), so I'm thinking an Albanian death squad might show up at my door soon and abduct me. Heyyyy.... that's a good plot for Taken 3.

They won't find me, though. My hometown is awesome. I can vanish into the streets of San Francisco or escape to the hills of Novato if I want to. And speaking of which, there's a big Bay Area-related news story this week: METEORITES!!!

A big red streak shot across the sky the other night, making so much God damn noise that people thought it was another earthquake. I didn't notice it (I was watching Goodfellas, and there's a lot of big booms in that movie), but I heard it was pretty awesome. A frickin' meteor landed in upper Marin. BAD-ASS. So now there's a ton of space rock enthusiasts dicking around in the hills trying to find it.

Now, does this remind you of something? The last time a meteor landed in California, THIS happened:


So be prepared for more crappy sequels.

Let's also not forget the movie Evolution, where an asteroid full of microbes landed in the Mojave Desert and they evolved into a bunch of crazy mutant creatures... yeah, okay. It was kind of bad.

In other non-alien related news, Paul Ryan f**ked up again. Sorry, did I say NON-alien related? Anyway... the Vice-Presidential hopeful apparently barged into a soup kitchen in a pathetic attempt to feel the plight of the working stiff. He did many helpful things, including pissing off everyone who actually worked there and cleaning plates that were already clean.

Also, Romney and his cronies are trying to undo the damage done by his piddling little debate performance last week. The third and final debate is on Monday, so be prepared. My only concern is that my mom might not let me watch it. The Giants have a playoff game then. But for a little more election fun, click on one of the following links:
The Real Mitt Romney
Romney Style
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY: Romney V Obama

Bye!

The Great Debates Part II: Show Me the Romney

The Second 2012 Presidential Debate of Presidential Debate-ness has ended, and it was far more entertaining than the original. Not only did we have a few golden Romney f**k-up moments, but Obama was on FY-AH!!! He CRUSHED Romney (at least in my opinion), and even used the last word to bring up the infamous 47% video. He also put to bed the misconception that he didn't label the attacks in Benghazi 'Terrorism' until 14 days later. Not like it even matters, but he did it.

Romney, on the other hand, was his typical whining self. He would go overtime, and when he did, he would shush the damn moderator and say "Well, I'm not finished." The man is a pathetic ball of elephant feces who should go die in a hole. But I'm not one-sided. Not at AAAAAALLLLLLL.

What really ticked me off was when people asked questions, EVERY TIME, Romney would lead off his response with the phrase "I'm glad you asked that question." Someday, he needs to say "Wow, what a TERRIBLE question. You suck. Your face sucks. Your question sucks." You know those people who say there are no stupid questions? THEY'RE WRONG.



So, Obama won the debate. He was hands-down better than Romney, and LIGHT YEARS away from his first debate performance, which was an admitted dud. I even thought the moderator was better, but someone needs to sit up there and say "SHUT YOUR MOUTH SIR, SHUT YOUR MOUTH!!!" whenever one of them goes overtime. And if they keep talking, they should get a little electric shock from the collars around their necks.

Also, the candidates should be hooked up to lie detectors. If a lie was detected, they would have to remove an article of clothing. Then MAYBE we would get a straight answer out of Romney. But then again, there's always a downside... we might end up knowing more about the candidates than we need to. Maybe Obama has a massive tattoo on his chest of a flaming skull. And perhaps we can finally find out whether or not Romney wears that Magic Mormon Underwear®. So many questions!

Wow, I got off topic here, didn't I? Anyway... Maybe someday I'll get to moderate a presidential debate. And in the meantime, you can enjoy the debates a little more by watching THIS video, an epic remix of the first presidential debate. I believe there's also one of the VP debate as well.

Bye!

C-Maxxed Out

Is it just me, or are all car salesmen the same? We've been looking around to find something to replace our old crappy 1994 Isuzu Trooper, and the damn guys at the Ford dealership are just SO PUSHY! They seemed to have it in their heads that there was the slightest chance that we might buy a C-Max today, but we weren't going to fall for their crap. They might have experience selling cars, but the last time my dad bought a car, it took him two years, and he still isn't satisfied with what he bought.

They really have no idea what they're up against. Among me, my mom, and my dad, we have a team that can defeat any snake-oil salesman in the country. The last guy who tried to sell my dad a car got fired the next week. He can negotiate $5 if he wants to, and he has--- he ended up haggling over five bucks when he bought a bike once.

Then there's my mom. She's partly there to give the salesmen hope. She'll laugh at their jokes and stuff, but when it comes down to it, she lays down the law. She can be even colder than my dad in that sense. She will crush your hopes if you ever try to sell her something.

Then there's me-- the brains behind the outfit. I am an experienced bulls**t artist. I can come up with any crazy story to get me out of ANYthing off the top of my head. Eventually, the web of lies gets so twisted that the damn salesman just gives up. For instance, today-- we really don't have any other options but the C-Max, so the Ford guys don't have any competition. However, when they asked, I gave this whole speech about how we've been looking at Volkswagens and Chevys, which we haven't.

Just by Googling an image of this thing, I was afraid that a guy would pop out of my computer screen saying something like "I see you're interested in the fuel efficiency of our new 2013 C-Max" or "Have I told you folks about our resale value?"

Anyway... I dunno. It seems like if you want to sell someone something, you can start by not being a gigantic asshole about it. We weren't looking at any other cars, but I can sure as F**K bet you that we'll start. God damn Ford guys... I shall take my business to your competitors!

Speaking of cars, the 2013 G-Force Coverage of the San Francisco Car Show (Sponsored by Eggo) will be rolling around in a month or so, so be prepared. Also, feel free to look back on my previous post about the 2012 G-Force Coverage of the San Francisco Car Show (Sponsored by Red Bull).

Bye!

Just Biden His Time

I've had an eventful week at school, so I haven't been able to blog for a few days. Not only did I go on a field trip to a movie theater where the projector broke (awesome), but I ended up going to see Looper again with some of the peeps today. Also, on Thursday night, I had to go to a Mountain Bike Club meeting thingy, so now I have to write this post at 9:30.

The big news that I missed, obviously, was the 2012 VICE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE OF VICE-PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE-NESS!!! Joe Biden and Paul Ryan had a sit-down and really had at it on Thursday, and it was pretty awesome. I wasn't able to watch the entire thing (because of the aforementioned thingy), but what I saw was impressive.

People usually write off Joe Biden as the tongue-tied old guy who plagiarized the British labour leader's stump speech and got tons of hair plugs. But he was perfect in the debate. Not only did he bring up the 47% statistic (which Obama failed to do), but he worked Grover Norquist, anti-war sentiment, and several stinging attacks on Romney into the debate too. Now, some Republicans are calling Biden's comments 'offensive' and 'disrespectful', but it's really about time someone laid down the law for these f***ing Republicans.

Biden was just as outraged as everyone should be over some of the things the GOP has been burping up these days. Not only did he bring a welcome amount of reality to the table, he was a lot more LITERAL than Ryan. Let me explain:

So far, all I've seen Paul Ryan do is talk about vague, metaphysical concepts. He'll respond to a question without actually responding to it. Example:

"Congressman Ryan, why do you think your tax plan will create jobs for this country when countless studies have shown that tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans slows economic growth?"

"Well, I love that question {Name of interviewer}. Thank you so much for asking it. It's the first thing that goes through my head when I wake up in the morning and the last that goes through my head when I go to sleep. I believe that our economy is the best economy, and that our systems are the best systems. I believe that taxing our sacred institutions of small business would destroy economic growth, and that is how I plan to bring jobs back to America. Thank you and goodnight."

You see what I mean? I'm paraphrasing, of course, but the guy never backs up his ludicrous claims with any... how do you say it... FACTS. Maybe I'm biased, but I think Biden won hands down. A debate is really decided by who goes on the offense and who plays defense. And Biden never let up on this slippery little screwball from Wisconsin at all.

Anyway, the next presidential debate is next week, and it'll be interesting to see if Obama just flubbed the first one to make Biden look better. I'm looking forward to it, but I really don't like hearing Mitt Romney talk. It makes my ears bleed.

Bye!

Re-Taken

The infamous Summer of Duds has continued this week, and it may only get worse. 2012's movie lineup has been a big disappointment, from The Dictator to Ted. The Dark Knight Rises was less than good, and The Avengers didn't fully impress. This summer's only saving graces are Looper and Men in Black III, two movies that (although entertaining) may or may not go down in history.

And speaking of movies that won't go down in history: Taken 2. I just saw it this afternoon, but I'm already pissed off. You have to understand, I loved the original Taken. It holds the slot #25 on my personal list of BEST GOD DAMN MOVIES EVER. So, as good as the original was, this review may disappoint you. But here it goes.

The beginning of Taken 2 is, unsurprisingly, better than the first. Both movies have the same weak spot: The actual character dialogue. But this second installment has fixed that, at least a little. The father-daughter dynamic is better, which was one of my biggest problems with the first one: Neeson had just moved heaven and Earth to get back his daughter, and what do you know--- she leaves him standing in the airport.

However, it goes downhill from there. Neeson and his ex-wife are beginning to make amends, mainly because her new husband is being such a dick. They've ended up getting a divorce, and so when Neeson invites her and the daughter to take a trip with him to Istanbul, they happily go with him.

Unfortunately, all is not well in the mystical land of bad action movies: The families of the Albanian sex-slave traffickers are pissed off and seeking revenge. This is another major plot hole: The dead Albanian from the previous movie has a dad, who is trying to kill Neeson. But he can't seem to get his head around that Neeson killed his son for the same reason he's trying to kill Neeson. This is both a problem and an asset, in that you don't have the slightest sympathy for the guy. Even though Neeson's daughter was captured and sold as a black-market prostitute, the Albanians don't have any f**ks to give.

Neeson, of course, couldn't care less about the Albanians, and so he does what he does best: He kills them all.

And here we are with another major plot hole. Neeson repeatedly abandons his wife and daughter in order to go kill some Albanians. You would think that after the first movie, he would have learned to never let them out of his sight. But no.

I will say this for Taken 2, however: It did not fall victim to the Die Hard 2 approach of having the same thing happen to the same guy on the same day, blah blah blah. I mean, the same thing DID happen, but at least there was a semi-valid explanation for it. If there ever is a Taken 3, which seems almost inevitable now, Neeson may have to nuke Albania in order to end it all.

So, final score for Taken 2? 5/10 stars. Although it is truly mind-numbingly bad at some points, it has a few fantastic action sequences, in which the daughter gets to make up for her somewhat passive role in the first one. And hell-- It's Liam F***ing Neeson. He adds a good three stars to any movie he's in. Exception: Clash of the Titans.

Bye!

My Big Fat Greek Debt

I need to make up for The Night Without The Internet, so I'm going to do two posts today. And if I seem incoherent or spacey, just remember: I've been through a harrowing ordeal. My physical and mental scars may never heal. Bear with me.

As everyone knows, the Eurozone is inching ever-closer to complete economic crisis, and recently there has been a new development that could change the course of non-America-related history: Spain's province Catalonia has put forth a motion to secede from Spain (and the Euro). This just proves what everyone has been saying for years: The Euro is dying, and countries will do whatever it takes to get out of it.

Meanwhile, everyone is pissed off at Germany. Yeah, what else is new, right? However, this time it involves good investments and smart monetary management, not genocide. The other nations of Europe are mad at Germany because they have the strongest economy of the Eurozone, and therefore can dictate the policies of other countries. What do you know--- 70 years after WWII, Germany has ended up owning Europe anyway.

In other news, the 2012 jobs reports came in, showing a record low of unemployment-- about 7.8%. The newest report might give Obama a bit of a bump in the polls, which he needs after his dismal debate performance. Romney, of course, says that the unemployment rate dropped because people stopped looking for work and just gave up. I wonder if Romney could have his insurance denied because of a preexisting condition. Namely, 'Being a fantastic asshole'. We should look into that.

Bye!

The Day The Internet Stood Still

It was a cold day in Marin County. I was watching random YouTube videos and eating a bag of Doritos. When suddenly, the screen of my computer went black. All the lights went out. The phones died. It was truly... hell on Earth.

As I biked through the neighborhood, watching as groups of people stepped out onto their front porches to find out what had gone wrong, I realized: It wasn't just me. The entire Fairfax-San Anselmo area had fallen victim to the most horrific of natural disasters: A power outage.

I followed the sirens to Drake Boulevard, the largest street in the town, where I found traffic backed up as far as the eye could see. A telephone pole stood, suspended by the wires and a tree branch, but split down the middle and shattered to pieces. It was then that the horrible reality of the situation began to sink in: It was Friday night... and I couldn't watch a movie.

An event as awful as this deserves special treatment. Which is why it's time for another installment of my award-losing series... DISASTER... IN MARIN!!!



Apparently, some asshole rammed his car into the telephone pole and didn't have the COMMON F***ING DECENCY TO TAKE SOME F***ING RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS F***ING ACTIONS... But I'm calm. I'm calm. At least, now that I can put my thoughts about every excruciating minutia on the internet for all to see. But last night... it was not the same. Let me read to you from the journal of THE NIGHT WITHOUT THE INTERNET.

•6:24- I am watching a video on YouTube about cheating in high school. Life is good. Birds are singing. All is well with the world.
•6:25- My screen just went black. No Internet. I asked my mom what is happening. She says no Internet. I do not understand. No Internet? Impossible.
•6:43- With nothing else to do, I get on my bike and follow the police sirens over to Drake Boulevard. A telephone pole is down. No power. No lights. No TV. And most importantly, no Internet. What is happening to the planet? What is happening... to my TOWN?
•6:55- Dad comes home. I tell him to make Internet go. He says no Internet. I nearly have heart attack.
•7:03- Lack of Internet has forced me to write down all my thoughts on paper. What if I want to share this with the rest of the world? My fans in Finland are waiting for a blog post. Do I have to actually GO to Finland? Good God.
•7:12-Without Internet, life is pointless.
•7:17-Suddenly, an epiphany! What if I made my OWN Internet? Ingenious. All I need are some batteries, some tools, and a rudimentary internal combustion engine.
•7:34- Attempts to make own Internet ruined. Ran out of electrical tape, and the batteries are all half-dead. Time to accept the cruel, dark reality of life without Internet.
•7:53- If I can't have Internet, time for the next best thing: I will take pictures of my cat and make up funny captions for it. My Mom will be in charge of writing a comments section, and Dad can start writing Wikipedia.
•8:16- Camera is out of batteries. Life is ending.
•8:29- With the world in the grips of calamity, I am forced to pack up my things and embark on a mission to find Internet. Maybe someone in San Rafael has internet. Time to find out.
•8:47- Internet found!!! There is an outlet by the name of 'Poodle Doodle'. But unfortunately, the WiFi is password protected. Maybe I will track down this 'Poodle Doodle' person. Make them stop hogging Internet.
•8:55- So many password-protected WiFi outlets... God Damn Internet thieves... hogging the Internet for themselves while the rest of us are left to perish.
•9:06- Maybe I could fix the telephone pole. Make Internet come back.
•9:12- Unable to get close enough to magic Internet pole in order to fix it. Police say to 'move along'. How am I supposed to 'move along' if there is not Internet? Must have Internet.
•9:25- In desperation, I call my friends to see if they have any Internet. Time to perform Ancient Mesoamerican Internet Dances. See if Internet falls from the sky.
•9:31- My half-Native American friend calls that idea 'racist'. Proves my point-- society is beginning to tear apart at its seams.
•9:48- My parents say to go to bed. They say that the Internet will be back 'Sometime tomorrow'. Yeah. Like I have time to wait until 'Sometime tomorrow'.
•9:57- Pass out.

Anyway, that's it. Obviously, the internet came back miraculously this morning. But it was a harrowing twelve hours. The strangest thing is... I found some scribblings of Memes on my walls. It's gonna take a helluva lot of paint to get rid of them. Weird.

Bye!

The Great Debates Part I: All Barack and no Bite

Hey, was anyone else incredibly happy when Justin Bieber threw up on stage during a concert? I sure as hell was. It proves to me that even HE can't stand the sound of his music. 'Nuff said.

Usually, I would devote an entire blog post to ripping on Bieber and calling him a douchebag who does unrepentantly evil covers of good, decent songs from the 60s and 70s. Usually, I would rail on and on about how he has the vocal talent of a screeching four-year-old, and how he is somehow so stupid that he can't even figure how to put his hair on straight. But I'm moving on to a more pressing topic: THE 2012 PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE OF PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE-NESS!!!

Tonight, as everyone knows, Barack Obama and Sir Mittington Wilfred Romneychester III, Esq, MD faced off in the first of three presidential debates. I watched the whole 90 minutes, and I was enthralled. If by 'enthralled' you mean 'bored to tears'. And I really shouldn't have been. After all, I'm the one who has been saying for years that campaigns need to be about the issues, not which candidate has a 'verifiable birth certificate' or wears 'magic Mormon underwear'. But this was a little too much, even for me.

Both Obama and Romney discussed policy for a whole 90 minutes, and Romney did surprisingly well. I mean, he lied right to Obama's face, but he did it CONVINCINGLY. Which is really the most important part of lying. This debate will probably give him a little boost in the polls, but not by much: Studies have shown time and time again that the debates don't actually affect voter turnout very much at all. The two exceptions are Nixon Vs Kennedy and the time Al Gore turned orange.

And speaking of Inconvenient Truths, here's one for you: To the average voter, it would look like Romney won the debate. Obama did a lot of characteristic 'ums' and 'uhhhhs', but Romney talked like a rapid-firing machine gun. If, in this case, the machine gun fired massive blobs of utter BS. He basically took back everything he has said for the past 18 months about his voucher system for Health Care, he committed a few blatant bald-faced lies when he said his health care plan was "Nothing like" Obamacare, and he even suggested the de-funding of PBS. Which, by the way, was the station that was carrying the debate. Not even a great fiction writer could come up with this crap.

He even started talking about Big Bird. Yeah, that's right. That's what we need in politics: Sesame Street.

Actually, that's not a bad idea... if we could get all the muppets into congress, they could teach the Democrats and Republicans some important lessons about sharing, cooperation, and not yelling out "YOU LIE" when other people are speaking. Yeah, I'm still bitter about that.

Bye!

Super Happy Fun G-Force Blog Post Bagel Head Smile Time!!!

Let me tell you a little story. At the beginning of human civilization, there were seven main groups of people: The Americans (Aztec, Mayans, and Incas), The Muslim World, China, Europe, India, Africa, and... Japan.

Japan is a nation with a rich and prosperous cultural history. Throughout the ages, Japan has given us such wonderful things as Pachinko, Godzilla, the Seven Samurai, and rickshaws. But there is also a darker side of Japan: The Japan that gave us the Toyota Prius, Hello Kitty, and atomic bomb guilt-trips.

Well, the latter Japan raised its ugly head again recently in a new fad that people call... Bagel Head. Basically, Bagel Head is when 13 ounces of silicone is injected into a person's forehead, forming a massive lump. Then, someone presses their thumb down on it, forming a bagel-like impression. Now... I usually provide a visual aide for my blog topics, but I really don't want this on my website. So, if you really must... just Google it. Graham Vert
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Let's explore the weirder side of Japanese culture with a little segment I like to call...

Japan has a long history of weirding out the rest of the world. The best example may come from the northern island of Hokkaido, where for nearly a thousand years, women have tattooed blue mustaches on their faces. They also sharpened their front teeth to a point, supposedly to make them look more catlike.

Since then, Japan has gotten stranger.

In the past 1000 years, Japan has changed from a feudal system where samurai lorded over peasants and emperors reigned supreme into a culture entirely ruled by game shows where contestants are thrown into pits of spiders naked. Every single TV show in Japan must have a title that includes the words super, happy, and fun (for instance Super Happy How I Met Your Mother Fun Time Gojira). Half of Japan's population wears schoolgirl uniforms and speaks in high-pitched squirrel voices; the other half has fu manchu mustaches and can chop you in half with their own eyelashes. All people of Japan are Pokemon masters.

Anyway, that's my little roast of Japan. But really, this is going too far. Bagel Head is like modern-day foot binding... instead of making tiny feet, they're putting rubber in people's foreheads. I think all the other nations of the world should get together and have a little intervention, where we try to get Japan to stop making crazy pills. And maybe then they can get back to the stuff that matters:

Making more poorly-subtitled anime shows about alien robots and the most perverse s*** Japanese men can come up with.

Bye!