Failbook

It is official. The zombie apocalypse has begun. I have to begin stockpiling RPGs, shotguns, can openers, and Twinkies. If anyone in the immediate area has a bunker or a bomb shelter of some kind, please let me know. I am an invaluable survival partner. I can't think of a reason why, but I'm sure I have SOME skill that separates me from anyone getting mauled and devoured. There has to be SOMETHING that sets me apart...

Aha! I collect quarters.

I win.

I should explain. In Miami today, police had to shoot and kill a man assaulting another man on the freeway. What made this different is that A) Both were naked and B) One guy was chewing the other guy's face off. God only knows what the F*** happened there, but my guess is that the Umbrella Corporation is based in Miami.

Fortunately, if the zombie virus begins to spread, us Californians will have plenty of time to get ready as the zombie hordes lumber across the country. And once the outbreak hits the deep south, you won't even be able to tell who is and isn't a zombie. They'll all be eating nothing but raw meat and growling unintelligibly.

In other, non-zombie related news, Facebook opened its IPO this week, just before Mark Zuckerberg got married. Coincidence? No. Because the stock opened before the marriage, the new Mrs. Zuckerberg would have no legal claim to it in the event of a divorce. Well played, Mark F***erberg.

Wait a second... I see what's going on here...

FACEBOOK CAUSED THE ZOMBIE OUTBREAK! Think about it... as soon as someone tries to deactivate their Facebook account, a bunch of suspicious-looking Russian mobsters will show up at their house and inject them with the zombie virus! This is just the beginning!

I am so, so lucky I don't have a Facebook account.

Bye!