Election Night, Part VI

A more fitting end to this campaign couldn't have been imagined. Romney has given his official concession speech after much deliberation and stalling, and it was just what I should have expected. I WANTED him to flip out and start crying, but no--- He acted almost relieved. It was like he had realized that he had no idea how to run a country, and he wanted it all to be over so he could go to bed.

Meanwhile, the Tea Party wing of the Republicans has cost them several Senate seats, leaving the majority still in the hands of the Democrats. The only victories for the Republicans tonight were the gubernatorial and representative races, which both ended in hefty Republican majorities. But you'll be pleased to hear that Todd Akin lost in a landslide after his 'legitimate rape' comments. I'm overjoyed.

There are probably a lot of Republicans who will start lambasting Romney for being too liberal, and decide to swing even FURTHER to the crazy right-wing. But that's not the case: As old, dumpy white guys from the south begin to either die out or stop voting, the Republicans will need to appeal to a broader group of people. Instead of trying to win over bible-toting, meth-cooking, trailer-living, gun-stockpiling, grit-eating, sodsucking, unshaven wife-beater wearing hicks from Alabama, they need to be more moderate. Instead, they need to win over the Prius-driving, ironic glasses-wearing, coffee-drinking, sushi-eating, laptop-using hipster west-coast techie liberals from Washington. It won't be easy, because they've identified themselves so far as the party of the previous persuasion, but in 100 years I wouldn't be surprised if the Republican party had an entirely different identity (or just didn't exist).


Oh, God, I'm so glad he isn't president. Just so f**king glad...

But until the Republicans can figure out what to do with themselves, it's going to be a rough few years. Even decades, if the right splits into two separate parties. Democrats, meanwhile, are more united than ever. Technically, I identify myself as a Democrat, but I would really love it if there were actually two valid choices between candidates. It would be great. But so far, I have rooted for the best candidate in every election, and it has consistently been a Democrat.

Obama's about to give his acceptance speech, but I don't care. I'm not staying up much longer anyway, and I can only imagine how bad the east coasters are feeling right now. It's 1:30 in the morning... Jesus H. Christ. Heyyy... what if the 'H' in Jesus' name stood for 'Hussein'? And while we're at it, has anyone seen Jesus' birth certificate? Noooooo!

All I can say is that I'm blown away, vindicated, and happily impressed with the American public. Some faith in humanity has been restored.

Bye!

Election Night, Part V

California has reported, and BIG SHOCK, we cast all 55 of our electoral votes for Obama. Obama has also won Hawaii, Washington state, and Wisconsin, meaning that he now leads 257-202. Obama now only needs Florida and Ohio to win an easy 290 electoral votes. He also leads in Colorado and Nevada, and has a good chance of re-taking a lead in Virginia.

I am not going to bed before Mitt F**king Romney concedes. I want to see him cry as he realizes that his ploy to take over our country didn't work. But I hate having to blog about this live, because I always fall behind. So much new data is coming in, I can't keep track of it all.

BREAKING NEWS!!! CNN has now called Ohio for Obama, meaning that he has won re-election. Suck on summa that, Romney. But CNN has been wrong before (cough, cough, 2000). I am confident in Florida as well, meaning that Romney's semi-substantial lead in Virginia means absolutely zilch.

This means that all that worrying, all that campaigning, all that commercial... ing... was for absolutely nothing. And it wasn't close. It was a whipping. Romney just got his ass handed to him on one of his family's silver platters. I can't wait for the footage of his wife's 'Couple of Cadillacs' being repossessed, and his dog taken into intensive treatment care for trauma.

I am floating on air. Just when you think humanity sucks, they do something like this. And just for that, Ohio, you are bumped 10 slots down on my list of crappiest states. Props to you.

Bye!

Election Night, Part IV

The race is still tight, but Obama's closing the gap. If he can win both Ohio and Florida (which he is on track to), he will almost definitely win the election. New Hampshire has finally given in and cast all four of its stupid electoral votes for Obama, and Nevada and Iowa look like they're going the president's way.

Meanwhile, Romney won Utah (big whoop) and is on track to win Montana, the stupidest state in the union. And again, although it looks like Romney is winning more STATES, the race is neck-and-neck in a rough 10-point spread. But Romney needs a 55+ electoral vote advantage to discount California's awesome, Republican-crushing power in every election.

I'm getting tired of having stupid election map graphics for my blog, so here's a picture of the God damn Batman:


The election is as close as it comes. But just you wait, Republicans. Your big lead has already had its chance. All the major Republican states have already been counted: Texas, Georgia, Louisiana, and the Northwest. Now it's time for some good old-fashioned West-Coast style badassery. Oregon, Washington, and California still need to vote, and the 47 electoral votes from Florida and Ohio that are leaning towards Obama still haven't been counted. I want Romney to be beaten into the ground.

Until 8:00, bye!

Election Night, Part III

I'll get right to the point: Romney is in the lead, but don't despair: The crushing blow that California always delivers to any election hasn't been tabulated yet. 55-yeah, FIFTY-F**KING-FIVE electoral votes. There's a reason why about 10% of the US population lives here. We're awesome.

Wyoming, the Dakotas, and all those crappy little red states have voted, meaning the map is now overflowing with red. But remember, Wyoming has the same number of votes as Rhode Island. The election map by population is far more intuitive:


You may remember this graphic from my previous posts. But this isn't an absolute: Romney looks like he might take Virginia and North Carolina. But the two biggest prizes tonight are Florida and Ohio, and Obama leads by a good amount of votes in both of them. Also, Romney has lost Massachusetts and Michigan, two blue states that he had a good chance of winning.

I never thought I'd say this, but I have faith in the people of Ohio. If any Ohioan happens to read this blog tonight, I'm counting on you: You can do this. Don't allow some plutocratic robot from a company-crushing machine step all over you. Show this asshole what America does to hypocrites.

Until 7:00, I'm watching more election results alternating with episodes of Futurama. It's a great god damn show. And for those of you who are still undecided, click THIS link.

Bye! (Until seven!)

Election Night, Part II

The results are pouring in for several states, and Obama is maintaining a slight lead over Romney with a 64-40 split of the votes. Of course, that's CNN's 'projection', so it could be anything from 0-104 for either candidate.

My personal electoral projections (which, unlike most other projections I make, I use math in) call the east coast race with Obama on top, but losing Virginia. Ohio and Florida will most likely go to Obama, with Romney taking all the stupid southern states. Factoring in that data, and the assumption that Obama wins California and Romney wins Texas, the race is now at 127 for Romney, 207 for Obama. That also factors in the assumptions that Obama takes New York and Illinois, where the race isn't even CLOSE.


This is Karl Rove's electoral map prediction, so it is almost undoubtedly wrong. But as polls continue to close, this race seems tighter than it ever should have been. The real irony is that, even with this map, Romney doesn't come out on top even after winning both Virginias, Florida, Nevada, Colorado, and leaving Ohio a toss-up.

But the real news as of right now is that no one knows what the F**K is going on. Florida has a slight Romney lead with only 54% of the vote counted. The amazing thing about CNN is that they actually call states with about 4% of the precincts reporting. It's amazing. I mean, sure, I just made a ton of calls for Obama and Romney, but does anyone REALLY think that Obama might lose California?

I love living here. Bye! At least... for about an hour.

Election Night, Part I

This needs to be a short blog post, because I have to head off to school in about seven minutes. The polling has begun in New Hampshire and the other, apparently less important eastern states. In some crappy little town in that godforsaken state, both Romney and Obama have gotten five votes each. Yeah. That's what counts as news these days.

All I can say to you is that if Romney wins, there is no justice in the world. He is a scumbag who doesn't even DESERVE to be president. If he wins, the GOP will once again have pulled the wool over our collective eyes and installed in the highest office in the nation a man who is so gut-wrenchingly incompetent, you wonder how he was even nominated.


Oh... right. Anyway, if this blog post changes the mind of a single undecided voter, I will have done my duty. Remember, people: This is the party of 'Don't ask, Don't tell', pro-lifism, George Bush, and Ted Nuget. Don't let this happen in your god damn country.

Bye!