Four Score and Seven Years from Now...

Something amazing has happened: I have been visited by my future self. He's gone now, but I secretly recorded our conversation so that I could publish it here. Here's the transcript.

Me: Woah, who are you?

Future Me: I'm you.

Me: Is this, like, a Spock moment?

Future Me: Yeah, that's right. I'm you from the future.

Me: Well, that's intense.

Future Me: Yeah...

Me: Want a cheeto?

FM: Sure. We don't have those anymore where I come from.

Me: Did the government outlaw them?

FM: No, we just ran out of actual cheese. The new artificial kind is awful.

Me: So, what time are you from?

FM: 2098.

Me: You look like you're 20 years old!!!

FM: Well, using artificial age retention, you can live an extra 60 years!

Me: Oh... So, what's life like 80 years from now?

FM: Here's a current map of the world. Did you know that Canada was once its own country, with its own system of government and everything?

Me: Yeah, that's the way it is now. Why is California its own country?

FM: In order for the US to have a nice even 60 stars on the flag, they granted California independence.

Me: What happened with South America there?

FM: Paraguay and Uruguay went to war over which one was 'guayer'.

Me: So, what do I become when I grow up? Cartoonist? Bounty Hunter? CEO?

FM: A janitor at the self-tying shoelace plant.

Me: Oh...

FM: Gotta go! Time travel is illegal, but I just wanted to warn you: Don't call your house 20 times today telling your parents to buy you an X-Box. They won't be happy.

Me: Too late. Come back five hours ago.

FM: Damn. (Space-time portal opens, out steps android).

FM: Wait! No!

Android: TIME TRAVEL IS ILLEGAL (zaps future me into small pile of dust).

Me: 'Sup.

Android: SEE YA (leaves).

Me: WTF!!!

Anyway, that's the whole transcript.

Bye!

G-force International

I was playing Scrabble the other day when I realized I was 32 points behind the lead (my mom). I panicked, and put down crazy words like 'mete'. That's a completely ridiculous word. I barely even know what it means.

Anyway, I won the game with 44 points for my historic play of the word 'pjet' (pronounced pee-yet). It stands for pulse jet, but I just like saying it that way. When I Googled it, my parents didn't look at the page long enough to see it was an abbreviation. MWAHAHA!

This game is really annoying. I only played this time because my parents let me use swear words and spanish phrases. 'Tarea' got me 18 points!

I just figured out how to check my blog's views. It has a chart of all the countries in the world and color-codes them depending on how many times people there have viewed my blog! So far, people in Brazil, Ukraine, the Netherlands, Russia, and Germany have seen my blog, and altogether 2,707 different people have seen my blog! WHOO!

I always liked Ukraine.

Bye!

Scientology, or 'The Aliens did WHAT NOW???'

I recently had the best idea ever: Live your life like a TV show. This is working out well for me: All I have to do is slip in some random joke into any conversation, and BOOM! You have a sit-com. I even wrote a theme song for it!

We have a geography test tomorrow. OH MY GOD!!! Not. All we're supposed to do is draw all the continents and label them. UH, DOYYYYYY. I'm going the extra mile (I'm gonna draw in every single ****ing country and label it!!! Mwahahahaha!!!)

Here's a fascinating story I just heard: This Saturday is the anniversary of 9/11, and to 'celebrate' that fact, some reverend in Florida is going to burn the Koran. Oh, yay. Yet another complete idiot insulting millions of people for one purpose: RELIGION!!!

It just goes to prove what I've said for many years: Fact or not, there's no way to say that religion doesn't encourage violence/hate/radicalism. We would not have had the Nazis if it weren't for religion. Or the Roman's gladiator battles. Or 9/11. Or numerous mini-wars springing up in the mideast!!!

Now, I'm not against religion. You believe what you believe, and I believe what I believe (I believe a gigantic nacho will come out of the sky and allow us all to eat him). But when you decide "Hey, that guy doesn't subscribe to my religion! I'll blow his head off with an A-K that Ronald Reagan sold me!!!", I have a problem.

Now, I was scheduled to have Bob Selkowitz, my evil conservative counterpart, give his rebuttal, but he's vacationing in Florida right now. Something about a burning.

And now for my new feature: The RELIGOMETER!!! It instantly charts up the religion's most famous attributes. Today we have...

SCIENTOLOGY.

I'm not clear on the specifics of this religion (if you can call it that), but I do know it well enough to write this list (with help from my good friend, Wikipedia). Here's a few of the more interesting facts:

•They videotape their confessions (I think they can be found on YouTube). The most interesting are the ones with Tom Cruise, who is a scientologist. Eek.

•There are many different veins of it, but I'm 100% sure that some of them believe in some sort of alien overlord.

•They use evil intonations and black blood directly from their god to rip out the heart of their victims before lowering them into a pit of lava, where they meet their fiery doom. Oh, wait, that's that cult from Indiana Jones #2.

•Unlike other religions, they operate from old New York theaters and cruise ships. Not your everyday Synagogue.

•Back to number two, they believe that aliens somehow interfered with early Earth events (ie, dinosaurs, big bang, moon, that kinda stuff).

•They believe that everyone has some sort of superpower. For instance, I can bend spoons with my mind. They draw out these powers using sessions called audits. Halfway through the session, they bring some guys from the IRS out to finish.

That's all I got. Bye!