Scientology, or 'The Aliens did WHAT NOW???'

I recently had the best idea ever: Live your life like a TV show. This is working out well for me: All I have to do is slip in some random joke into any conversation, and BOOM! You have a sit-com. I even wrote a theme song for it!

We have a geography test tomorrow. OH MY GOD!!! Not. All we're supposed to do is draw all the continents and label them. UH, DOYYYYYY. I'm going the extra mile (I'm gonna draw in every single ****ing country and label it!!! Mwahahahaha!!!)

Here's a fascinating story I just heard: This Saturday is the anniversary of 9/11, and to 'celebrate' that fact, some reverend in Florida is going to burn the Koran. Oh, yay. Yet another complete idiot insulting millions of people for one purpose: RELIGION!!!

It just goes to prove what I've said for many years: Fact or not, there's no way to say that religion doesn't encourage violence/hate/radicalism. We would not have had the Nazis if it weren't for religion. Or the Roman's gladiator battles. Or 9/11. Or numerous mini-wars springing up in the mideast!!!

Now, I'm not against religion. You believe what you believe, and I believe what I believe (I believe a gigantic nacho will come out of the sky and allow us all to eat him). But when you decide "Hey, that guy doesn't subscribe to my religion! I'll blow his head off with an A-K that Ronald Reagan sold me!!!", I have a problem.

Now, I was scheduled to have Bob Selkowitz, my evil conservative counterpart, give his rebuttal, but he's vacationing in Florida right now. Something about a burning.

And now for my new feature: The RELIGOMETER!!! It instantly charts up the religion's most famous attributes. Today we have...

SCIENTOLOGY.

I'm not clear on the specifics of this religion (if you can call it that), but I do know it well enough to write this list (with help from my good friend, Wikipedia). Here's a few of the more interesting facts:

•They videotape their confessions (I think they can be found on YouTube). The most interesting are the ones with Tom Cruise, who is a scientologist. Eek.

•There are many different veins of it, but I'm 100% sure that some of them believe in some sort of alien overlord.

•They use evil intonations and black blood directly from their god to rip out the heart of their victims before lowering them into a pit of lava, where they meet their fiery doom. Oh, wait, that's that cult from Indiana Jones #2.

•Unlike other religions, they operate from old New York theaters and cruise ships. Not your everyday Synagogue.

•Back to number two, they believe that aliens somehow interfered with early Earth events (ie, dinosaurs, big bang, moon, that kinda stuff).

•They believe that everyone has some sort of superpower. For instance, I can bend spoons with my mind. They draw out these powers using sessions called audits. Halfway through the session, they bring some guys from the IRS out to finish.

That's all I got. Bye!