Ich Bin Ein Zombie V: I'm Ready for the Zombie Apocalypse

So, here's something you might have noticed: with this blog, I have exactly fifty posts this year. Last year at this time, I had twenty. My hope is that this year, I can avoid the inevitable last-minute December scramble to meet my yearly quota of at least 100 blogs.

This smashes my previous record of 18 posts in a month (due to the aforementioned December cramming). I hope to usher in a new era of G-Force sponsored awesomeness.

DON'T FORGET TO BE AWESOME I WON'T

Anyway, I have much more important things to talk about. Namely, a certain epic song I recently wrote! And yes, I will conclude Ich Bin Ein Zombie ASAP, but this needs to be posted immediately. It's very long, so get your scrolling finger loosened up:

ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE

I'm ready for the zombie apocalypse

I'm ready for the zombie assault

Bring on the zombies and the zombie apocalypse

I'm not about to join the zombie cult

I'm ready for the zombie apocalypse

I've got my ammo right here by my side

Bring on the zombies and the zombie apocalypse

I'm not about to go and run and hide

Zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie die!

I'm ready for the zombie apocalypse

They know better than to mess with me

Bring on the zombies and the zombie apocalypse

I'll throw grenades into the undead sea

I'm ready for the zombie apocalypse

I'll shoot those undead creatures in the face

Bring on the zombies and the zombie apocalypse

I'll sneak out ninja-like without a trace

Zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie die!

I'm ready for the zombie apocalypse

Break out the pistols and the smoke grenades

Bring on the zombies and the zombie apocalypse

They'll never break through my huge barricade

I'm ready for the zombie apocalypse

I got a machete and I'm hackin' away

A knife this size is just the perfect weapon

To keep those evil zombie scum at bay

Zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie die!

I'm ready for the zombie apocalypse

I've got a shotgun right here in my hand

Bring on the zombies and the zombie apocalypse

From this area the undead are banned

I'm ready for the zombie apocalypse

I've got the undead after me in swarms

Bring on the zombies and the zombie apocalypse

They're comin' at me in a zombie storm

Zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie die!

I'm ready for the zombie apocalypse

I'm cuttin' them down like big chunks of meat

Bring on the zombies and the zombie apocalypse

I'm sure not planning on an early retreat

I'm ready for the zombie apocalypse

I'm ready for the zombie assault

Bring on the zombies and the zombie apocalypse

I'm not about to join the undead cult

Zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie die!

Zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie zombie die!

Wow, this blog is running long. That's it for today. The conclusion to Ich Bin Ein Zombie is coming soon! See ya!

Beware the Eyes of March

Well, March is beginning to pass, which means I was actually wrong about something. Yes, I know you considered me infallible for some time, but I'm not the Pope. I'm much more infallible than he is. But still, I was wrong about something. I know it seems impossible. But it's true.

I thought Qadaffi would be killed in the middle of March by one of his own trusted advisors in some sort of Julius Caesar-Ides of March tribute. It would have been very cool. But no. Speaking of Qadaffi, my poll on how the Libyan dictator would be 'taken out' has closed, and 'Tries to escape in stolen hot air balloon, then shot down by surface-to-air missile' has won! I'll try to put up some new surveys soon.

BEWARE THE EYES OF MARCH!!!

Anyway, off that topic, and on to another, much cooler one: My favorite day of the year, April Fool's Day. It's time for an epic barrage of pranks and semi-deadly traps to unleash upon the school! I'm putting soap in my band teacher's trombone, shoving a potato (or, as Quayle would say, potatoe) up someone's exhaust pipe, and I plan on dropping water balloons filled with gasoline on people from the roof.

I shouldn't have told you all this.

Only two more days!

Ich Bin Ein Zombie IV: Just Zom-be Yourself

Everyone, I'm dead. I thought I might as well just come out and say that. I killed myself and had a friend of mine revive me as a zombie so that no zombies would try to destroy me on my quest for Genghis Khan's tomb (see the past Ich Bein Ein Zombie posts for the full story).

Anyway, it's time to continue the epic tale of...

ICH BIN EIN ZOMBIE!!!

I landed my stolen plane in Uzbekistan, where I met with some locals who hadn't been infected by the zombie curse yet. Apparently, they had passed down the location of Khan's tomb down through generations, and were just waiting for someone like me to come along.

I marched into the hills of Uzbekistan with my trusty sherpa brigade, bringing with me food, water, and an extremely detailed map of the entire region. After around three days, we began encountering zombies, but being a zombie myself, I was able to send them away.

I'm currently sitting in a cave in the mountains. I'm told the temperature is roughly -20 degrees fahrenheit (zombies can't feel temperature), and everyone around me is huddled in their blankets. Maybe, just maybe I can undo this.

Tune in soon for the shocking conclusion to Ich Bin Ein Zombie!!!

Bye!

More Telemarketer Tales

Here's a few more Telemarketer conversations:

Me: 'Sup.

TM: Hi, I'm calling on behalf of the American Nature Conservancy.

Me: Oh, what's up?

TM: Well, we wanted to know if you wished to renew your membership this year.

Me: Yeah, well, I have a question. What's the best way to prepare endangered animals? Fried, boiled, broiled, roasted, toasted, or scrambled? Ooh! How about shish kebabed?

TM: I assume that's an attempt at humor.

Me: That's what you'd LIKE to think! Mwahahahahahahahaha!!!! (hangs up).

Here's another. This one is actually a wrong number:

Me: Heydeyho.

Guy: Hi, is this Phil?

Me: No, this is the resident Nepalese Mind Monk training facility. I can kill a man in any of 957 different ways (hangs up).

I enjoy this very, very much.

Bye!

Guys and Trolls

So, the White Hill idiot brigade put on another dumb play (see my previous post, Bad Acting Island). This one was Guys and Dolls, a play I only previously knew the existence of because George bought two tickets to it for Jerry in the Seinfeld episode 'The Outing'.

I know I've said it before, but the playhouse is SUCH a wreck. The ceiling is literally smothered in cobwebs, and you can see dust swirling around in the air. It's sickening. I spent the whole play doing three things:

1) Hoping a huge tarantula wouldn't land on my head anytime soon.

2) Sleeping. But unfortunately, my idiot friend kept shaking me and saying 'Hey, Graham, look! Eric's in the play!'

3) Hiding. My friend Ben sat next to me for the whole play, even though we were only supposed to sit with our homerooms. My evil, evil homeroom teacher kept peeking over and saying in his demented nasally voice 'Excuse me, you shouldn't be sitting here' to EVERYONE except Ben. My friend Luis got busted twice, once at the very beginning, and again at the intermission. There were some REALLY intense moments. Luis was RIGHT next to Ben and he didn't ever notice. He must have assumed Ben was Willp.

He even sat down on the stairs next to us. I was sure we'd be busted. It's like he was blind or something. Then I postulated the theory that he knew that Ben was there, but didn't move him just to mess with our heads. Fortunately for me, I was in the same car as the teacher, a black Dodge Dakota, so on the way back I asked him. Here's the transcript:

Me: Do you know who I was sitting next to the whole time?

Teach: Tayler.

Me: No, on my other side.

Teach: Why don't you know?

Me: I don't know his name.

Teach: Well, all the homerooms were sitting next to each other.

Me: Well, I'm really confused now.

So that goes to prove my point. This guy is totally out of it. As for the play, I just sat there eating Orange Head candy stuff and zoning out. There was some mention of Havana, and something about a mission. I asked someone later. It sounds like I didn't miss much.

Bye!

Having a Trump Card Handy

This is the most evil thing ever.

Donald Trump is hinting at a run for president.

Trumpie ran in 2000 against some other idiot (who had the easy job of beating Donald Trump). He and his maniacally strange hair must be planning something of pure evil. My only guess is that he plans to tell half of America 'Ya Firrrrred!!!!'

Speaking of deranged hair, why is it that anyone with insanely weird hair has suddenly become successful? Case in point: Justin Beiber. Another case in point: Willow Smith. I only found out about this person from some idiot at school who is obsessed with the song 'Whip My Hair'. If you feel so compelled, google it. But you will regret it.

But I'm getting sidetracked.

I hate the fact that this blog will only add to the hit count on Trump's name, but it must be said. He is an egotistical self-absorbed douchebag whose only purpose on this planet is to put his name on a bunch of buildings and fire us from jobs we didn't even really want in the first place.

Trump also came out last week as a 'birther', a person who questions where Obama was born. He probably thinks he was born on Vulcan. Waiiiit...

Think about it. The mysteriously pointy/long ears... the 'logical' thinking...

I take back what I've said before. Barack Obama isn't Luke Skywalker. He is...SPOCK.

I must mull this over.

Bye!

Ich Bin Ein Zombie III: Nuclear Winter Olympics

Here's an update on my mission to find Genghis Khan's body and end the plague of undead monsters currently roaming across California.

I stole Donald Trump's private jet and flew to Uzbekistan (I fortunately have a lot of piloting experience). Now, I don't know if I said this before, but I am the world's greatest treasure hunter. I figure out the locations of ancient tombs and 'Missing Niles' using my extensive knowledge of the massive egos of dead dictators/tyrants. In this case, I thought of what we know about Genghis Khan: He was a brutal, head-removing murderer and a tactical military genius. So, right there, we can rule out Mongolia. He would never put something as secretive and important as his tomb in such an obvious place.

Now, at the peak of the Mongol Empire, Uzbekistan was included in Khan's territories. A battle in present-day Uzbekistan was fought, and later called 'Khan's greatest victory'. It is my belief that his tomb resides in the mountainous regions around Uzbekistan. But unfortunately, the city he conquered has been lost to the ages. No one knows where it is.

Except me.

Using the sound principles of wealth and power, I located Khan's tomb. The only problem is getting there. I'm writing this post from a laptop on the plane, which I put on autopilot. Right now, I'm just over Lebanon. I should reach Uzbekistan soon enough. The only problem is: Can Khan's lost tomb undo the effects of Japan's nuclear reactor and the plague of zombies across America? I think there are some secrets in that tomb that will shock and amaze every person on the planet, if they aren't zombies.

If there is any zombie resistance out there: Be strong.

And now it's time for a copyrighted Vertco® post-script!

Above are instructions on building your own personal nuclear reactor. You can use it to power your entire house! Just be warned: if it goes meltdown, your dog may grow nine extra heads. If this occurs, bury the radioactive material in your neighbor's backyard. Don't worry, it should be safe in roughly 10,000 years.

Bye!

FLOOD!

Hello, everyone. No, this is not a follow-up on my zombie series. This is a real disaster. Here's the full story.

Yesterday, I saw a sign on the creek bridge here in San Anselmo which read: CAUTION: CONTAMINATED SEWER WATER. My friend Luis swam in the creek and got violently ill. Now, in order to fix this, the city had to close off all the storm drains to keep the water from flowing into the creek. But because of this, the whole city flooded and the creek was only at five feet!

When my spanish class let out (2nd period), I ran to the end of the locker hall to find my friends. What I found was a river. The entire downpour we've recently had had pooled together into one massive flowing, churning monster which lapped at the edges of the classrooms.

After math (3rd period), I ran to the end of the hall during the three minutes between classes. What I found was shocking. The river had expanded and was still growing! The storm drains just wouldn't work! People were sending little paper boats out onto the river, clogging the drains even further! This was truly a time for an episode of my soon-to-be award-winning series...

DISASTER... IN MARIN!!!

I had science for the next period, so I routinely checked on the river outside through the window on the other side of the room. Then the bell for lunch rang, but I stayed in science class (I wasn't about to get stampeded out in the locker hall. The entire 7th grade was jammed into that tiny little area).

Then the end of lunch came, but I couldn't get out. There were three ways; one was cordoned off with caution tape, one was filled with people pushing and shoving to escape the flood of mud, and one led out the back entrance of the class. I knew I'd be late for my next class if I tried to go through the locker jam, so I ran out the back door.

I flung my backpack across the river ahead of me, and I jumped from lunch table to lunch table in order to escape. I made for the high ground, a series of hills behind the school. I thought I was home free...

But I stepped on some grass, which looked surprisingly solid. Unfortunately, the mud underneath it had been transformed into quicksand. I sank down a good six inches before I could pull myself out. I was so panicked that I just charged right through the raging river, getting my shoes, socks, and pants completely soaked. And I didn't even get to class on time.

That was intense.

Bye!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Me

Here we are: photographic evidence that the radiation from Japan has reached Marin County. Take a look:

That's me. Or, that's two of me. As you can see, this could be problematic.

Completely APauled

I just saw the best movie ever.

It's called Paul (you may not have heard of it), and it's about two british nerds who go to Comic-con in San Diego, then, while traveling through Area 51 on a road trip, they meet an alien named Paul. I don't want to spoil this for anyone, so I will offer up some overview in invisible ink. If you want some spoilers, highlight the following blank space with your cursor. I will warn you, though, it's somewhat raunchy. You've been warned.

The two guys are, as I said, from the UK, and together created a comic book about a green woman with three boobs. Yeah, that's right. After they meet Paul, dozens of movie references start showing up; at the end, they send Paul back home at Devil's Tower. Interestingly enough, one of the British guys is named Graham.

Also, they meet up with a devout Christian who, as soon as she sees Paul, has a total spasm and starts singing 'Amazing Grace'. Soon enough, she realizes that evolution is not a myth (but it took Paul's memory infusion to do it). There's another reason why this is the best movie ever.

Some funny quotes:

Other guy: (faints after seeing Paul for the first time).

Graham: What did you do to him?

Paul: He fainted.

Graham: But you... you MADE him faint!

Paul: Look, it's not like I set my phaser on 'faint'.

Graham: You have a phaser?!?!?!

Throughout the movie, people see the cover of their comic book and repeatedly say (and I type this ONLY because it was a direct quote from the movie): 'Three tits. Awesome'. At the end, an alien lands a ship to pick up Paul, and Paul hands him the comic. The alien then says this line in some bizarre Klingon-esque language.

Speaking of languages, here's another quote series:

Graham: How do you speak english?

Paul: What do you mean?

Graham: Do you speak through a voice box, or in some sort of telepathic mind-absorbing thing?

Paul: No, I just SPEAK ENGLISH, you dumbf***!

Okay, phew. That stuff got pretty nasty. Well, if you want to go see it, I don't blame you. It's freakin' awesome.

Bye!

Ich Bin Ein Zombie: Requium

Everyone, settle down. I am writing this from my nuclear fallout bunker beneath my garage. You may be confused, so here are the facts:

The reactor in Japan has begun to release nuclear wind, much like my friend Luis after he eats a burrito. The nuclear fallout began to spread to Alaska at roughly 6:00 yesterday. The radioactive air reached me, in the Bay Area, at 8:00 this morning.

At school, it was pouring rain. We were, unlike usual rainy days, not allowed to go out into the rain. We asked the principal why, and he said, AND I QUOTE:

"We don't want you to melt."

Shocking, I know. I went back to my classroom and told everyone the story. As soon as they heard, they turned on the teacher and locked him in a broom closet. The government of our school had LIED TO US! DUH, DUH, DUUUUUUUUUUUH!

We stole our science teacher's Prius and drove back to my house, where I had built a rudimentary bomb shelter about two years ago. We climbed in just when the acid rain began to melt houses and homes around us.

Down here, we have about 30,000 cans of food, a dozen can openers (you don't want one to break), fifteen shotguns, and two hermitically sealed meat coolers full of fresh ribs and such. We also have 12 bunk beds, enough ammo to last us to 2020, and a periscope to see what's going on above us.

It's not pretty.

I put my digital camera up to the periscope in order to see outside. I warn you, this is not for a weak stomach:

That digital image is of a huge zombie apocalypse. I was unaware that zombies could be created by heavy exposure to radiation.
But there is one thing that I believe can save them. An ancient relic with supernatural powers. No, it's not what you think.
Genghis Khan's dead body.
I'm stealing a plane and flying to Uzbekistan. Maybe I can reverse what has happened here.
Maybe.
To anyone reading this, I have but one message: Survive.
Bye!

The Wrath of Genghis Khan

Everyone, I don't usually find History class particularly interesting, but today something caught my attention: mi clase de espanol es muy aburrido!

NO ONE KNOWS WHERE GENGHIS KHAN IS BURIED! DUH, DUH, DUUUUUH!

So, I did some reading, and found out that when Khan was buried, soldiers killed everyone they saw in range of the funeral procession. They then killed everyone who attended the funeral, and when they returned from the mountains where he was buried, OTHER soldiers killed THEM! But it is my belief that one person survived the massacre and passed down the information of the tomb's location through the generations! DUH, DUH, DUUUUUUH!

Which is why I'm on a hunt for Khan's tomb. The tomb, if found, will contain treasures from the three continents he conquered and plundered. It will also be the find of the century. And, using my powers of deductive reasoning, and using the sound factors of greed and evil that were so popular back then, I have deduced the location of the tomb! But I'm not telling YOU; you might use this information to get there first and claim the find for yourself. But, then again, it's no fun if there's NO competition.

Hint: It's not in Mongolia.

But this is not all. Khan also pillaged some of Africa, even though it wasn't ever included into the Mongol Empire. Now, the easiest way to get into Africa is through the Siani Penninsula. And what country does that cross into?

Why, Egypt, of course. And what might Genghis have stolen from this ancient nation? Why, only the most sought-after artifact of all time!

KING TUT'S PENIS!

Join me next time when I further unravel the mysteries...

No. No. I can't do it. Someone stop me! GOD!

Bye!

P.S.-- A 10,842nd-generation Khan later starred in the second Star Trek movie (which really was the best of them all).

P.P.S-- Happy Saint Patrick's Day! I planned this out a month in advance; I had the orthodontist put green bands on my braces in February!