Serenity Now

IF YOU WANT TO HEAR SOMETHING AMAZING, KEEP READING. Are you still here? Good. I thought you looked smart. So, here it is--- get ready--- tension building--- adrenaline flowing--- PREPARE YOUR MIND TO BE BLOWN---

A new deep space program involves sending 'Firefly-class' spacecraft to mine nearby asteroids. Yeah, FIREFLY-class. Ringing any bells, Joss Whedon fans? Firefly, of course, is the short-lived but much loved TV series that was cancelled after only 14 episodes. And it's named for the Firefly-class starships, one of which (the Serenity) is the show's Millennium Falcon. Also, watch Firefly and the movie adaptation, Serenity. They're awesome.

But now is not the time to tell you about the great filmography of Joss Whedon (who also directed The Avengers, just sayin'). Because today, another school shooting in Georgia left one person dead. My gun death tally counter is at 1,479 so far, counting this one today. And it'll just keep rising.

If you look back, you'll see that my past... eight blog posts have all included the phrase "There was another shooting today." It's become the Osama Bin Laden of news--- the big story that everyone gets sick of in a few minutes but you can't read or watch any news without hearing about it. For instance, I haven't mentioned anything recently about Chuck Hagel's confirmation hearings, or North Korea's most recent direct threat to the United States, or the wildfires that have been raging across Australia for the past month.

 
Australia: The only continent where bird watching is a full-contact sport.

But in all cerealness, there's been a major shooting every day this year so far. Check that link from yesterday, not a SINGLE day has gone by. And the senate probably won't pass any new gun laws for six months, so... expect more of the same.

Let's end on a high note: JJ Abrams has been officially selected as the director of Star Wars: Episode VII: Sith Happens. I'm speculating on the title, but you get the point. We could also call it The Han-Over, or Gungan Style, or The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Sand-People. I'm getting off-message. Abrams, as you probably recall, is the director of the new Star Trek movie and its sequel, coming out this year. So yes, he's a busy guy. My prediction for Episode VII is that all the main characters will crash on a remote island on a remote planet, and have to fight for their lives to escape the evil demon smog-monster alien thing...

But again, I'm just speculating. Bye!

Son of a Gun

My class has been working on something called The Mars Project recently, which is basically a plan to put a permanent settlement on Mars. So yes, my school is badass. We were designing the oxygen garden/greenhouses today, and I had the biggest and greatest idea in the history of big and great ideas. Vertco Respiration Hardware. Yeah, it's a thing. Just connect a Vertco mobile greenhouse to your Mars colony and BAM! Oxygen, water, and potatoes. Graham Vert

In other, non me-related news, there were two more shootings recently. In Alabama, a man shot a bus driver and took a 6-year-old hostage, and in Arizona, a shooting left one person dead. So now we're just gonna move through the alphabet. Up next: Alaska and Arkansas. What's amazing is that this happened WHILE CONGRESS WAS HEARING GUN CONTROL ARGUMENTS!!! Talk about ironic... ha ha ha...

I've been keeping score for a week or so, and we're up to 1,440 people killed in shootings since Newtown. Go to THIS website for an ongoing tally. So, how much longer is it gonna take? Well, a month ago, I said it wouldn't take long. And that's why you don't look to bloggers to predict the future. Fortunately, President Obama has introduced a total of 23 gun control-related bills to congress, so that guns like this one don't get sold in Wal-Mart.


The Vertco ARBX-35 dual magazine rapid-fire sniper rifle with reticulating grenade launchers, laser-guided cop-killer bullets, pullback pump-action masterkey shotgun, bullet silencer, automatic crosswind calibrator, holographic ACOG heartbeat sensor scopes, and spoon-onet attachment. Comes with one free coupon for head examination at your local clinic.

Anyway, there's no point in owning a gun like that. As cool as it is. I mean, just LOOK at it! It's so awesome and--- NO! FIGHT IT! FIIIIIGHT IIIIIIIIIITTTTT!!!!

It's like owning a Hummer or a t-shirt that says 'I feel inadequate about my manhood'. And the real problem is the gun salesmen. They are only required to check their stock once every 18 months, they delete all background checks after they are performed, and the one at Big Five Sporting Goods called me an asshole when I told him that guns are responsible for 30,000 American deaths a year. So yes, I'm pretty pissed off.

Bye!

Liestrong

I just sat through a three-hour rendition of 'Waiting for Godot.' Why? Because MY MOM MADE ME GO. And I have to say, that play gave me CANCER. I had to drink a six-liter Pepsi and eat what I think may have been a marijuana brownie just to stay awake. So, if this blog post seeemes a litttttle unyooooshoooalllll, thenn pleasssse oob jabaffaobwv029qwf asbdcb;adf

Dude, my hands...... wow....

Anyway, the best part was when we went into the lobby and found a 'tree' made out of construction paper where you could write what YOU'RE waiting for. It doesn't make any sense, I know... but if you've seen the play, you'll get it. So of course, I wrote Die Hard 5, while my dad wrote the next Beatles album. At least mine was realistic.

But that's not why I've convened this emergency blog post tonight at... oh my God it's 11:10... but that's not why I'm doing this now. I recently have gotten word that a MAJOR celebrity has been using performance-enhancing drugs for years. Brace yourselves, people of the blogosphere--- because I am about to blow your F**KING MINDS.

Mitt Romney may have been using crazy-enhancing pills.

I know, I know... it's a sad, sad state of affairs. Of course, he probably wasn't the only one doing it, but that still means that the playing field wasn't level. Here we have people like Michelle Bachmann, who have trained at being crazy their whole lives, only to see them squandered by some DICK, who only won because he could afford better DRUGS. It SICKENS me.

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Oh, yeah... you're SO proud of yourself, aren't you?

At the end of the day, I don't know what this means for those who supported Romney, but I personally want his title as crazy person of the year revoked. And I want him out of the Nutjob Hall of Fame (Located in Kentucky). AND I want his 'couple of Cadillacs' repossessed.

But really, who were we kidding? We were IDIOTS. There's no way Romney could have come up with such gems as "I'm running for office, for Pete's sake, I can't have illegals!" without using crazy-enhancing drugs of some kind. However, that's all behind us now--- maybe with a little more regulation, we can bring the sport of crazy back from the brink and give people like Newt Gingrich (who advocated a base on the moon) and Rick Santorum (who equivocated gay marriage to paper towels) the recognition that they deserve.

Of course, we still don't know for sure until Romney goes on Oprah and admits to it... but we all know. Nobody could have won that many crazy states--- South Carolina, Alabama, Texas--- without a little extra help. So, Mitt? Come out and FESS UP! Then maybe we can get back to the stuff that really matters. Like our sports.

Bye!

Putting the Mental in Governmental

So, here's something awesome--- apparently there's a website where you can create petitions on the internet. If you get the required number of signatures by a certain date, the White House HAS to respond. Like, legally. So, I created THIS petition to lower the legal voting age to 16. You see, the next presidential election in 2016 takes place about four days before my 18th birthday, on November 8th. So as you can see, I'm a little perturbed.

But by far, the most popular petition subject on that website is anti-gun laws. Because there were two more shootings today: A teenager killed his family in New Mexico and a shooting at a college in Texas left four people in the hospital. So this has literally become a daily thing. I come home from school, and I get to ask "So, who got shot today?" Because THERE'S NOT WIFI AT SCHOOL... but that's not the subject. Wait, maybe I should petition for mandatory WiFi at all American schools! Yeahhhh...

Anyway, that's not the only gun-related event, because Barack Obama was re-inagurated yesterday for his 2nd term, and he gave a really impassioned speech about... totally not gun control. Since, although he never said the words, you could tell that the implications were there. So now Republicans are going friggin' OUT OF THEIR MINDS over his 'inability to compromise' and 'partisan agenda' and 'actual intelligence.'



Anyway, as I've said many a time in the past few weeks, this is going to be a pretty intense debate. And it's not like climate change or abortions--- This time, EVERY SINGLE AMERICAN has an opinion. And according to polls, 79% of them favor stricter gun laws. That's a pretty big margin, given that statistically, some of those people have to be gun owners.

On a lighter note, we've finally delved into the dark recesses of an evil organization that robs people of their money and gives them unsatisfactory products in return. An organization that has influence worldwide, that has distributaries all across America. I'm talking, of course, about... SUBWAY. In a recent Facebook post, someone pointed out that Subway's "$5 Footlong" is a mere 10 and a half inches, with the caption "Subway pls respond." Now, normally I'd find this kind of distraction from real national issues a pain in the ass, but THIS NEEDED TO HAPPEN. Too many people have fallen victim to this BS. There needs to be some kind of restriction. Or waiting period. And we should carefully monitor the distribution of these... sandwiches.

Oh God, are we actually caring more about sandwich laws than gun laws...?

Bye!

NRA: Neurotic Republican Association

It's the 20th of January, which means that Barack Obama has been sworn in to his second term. He'll have the public ceremony tomorrow, making him the only president (besides FDR) to be sworn in four times. As you recall, John Roberts flubbed the original ceremony back in 2008, so it had to be redone. Also, tomorrow is Martin Luther King Day, so everyone thank MLK for what he has given you: Racial equality and a day off from work.

However, s**t's going down right now that requires my immediate attention. The NRA has gone postal, and they're firing with both barrels now. They've declared that any effort to restrict gun access will be shot down. But in my opinion, they don't really have a shot. Even though their trigger fingers are getting itchy, the Democrats will be shooting back at them with the public on their side, and I'll be supplying every single gun pun that pops into my head.

Anyway, the left is blowing up over an ad that NRA put out that asks why Obama's kids are allowed to have armed guards around them at all times, when he won't push for armed guards in schools. But this was really just a shot in the dark--- the ad's slogan was "Are the President's children more important than yours?" But, yeah... they are. If some guy in Alabama gets his kids kidnapped, then the only thing the kidnapper can do is hold them for ransom. But if the PRESIDENT gets his kids taken, the kidnappers can tell him to do whatever they want. Release terrorists, attack Canada, put microchips in everyone's heads--- anything.

Oh, and if Liam Neeson's kids get taken... you know what happens.


Anyway, this debate is only going to get more and more heated. And I CALL SHOTGUN! This may turn out to be the deciding issue for Obama's second term. So I don't want to miss it. Therefore, I rifled through news articles this week, and came across something of interest: A 15-year-old shot up a pastor in Albuquerque, people accidentally shot themselves and each other at various national gun shows, and people have been shot recently in Springfield, Long Beach, and countless other places across the country. So, gun people? Any thoughts? I can't imagine what the blowback from this is gonna be like.

Bye!

Mali

Have you ever been so cold that your earbuds freeze while you're walking to school? WELL I HAVE. Apparently, the bay area (and most of California) has been hit by a massive cold front and now everything's frozen. Of course, it would be too much to ask for it to F**KING SNOW... but whatever. I'm not caring.

Not much has gone on this week, unless you live in Mali. And judging by my chart of countries that have read my blog, you don't. So maybe I'll clue you in as to what goes on in the formerly great nation of Mali... in hopes of getting my blog read there. Maybe some great Mali-an will Google their country and try to find out more about it. Because I doubt that even they know anything about Mali. Let's go!

First off, Mali is a landlocked nation, not a communicative disease. Let's get that out of the way. It's a nation in West Africa, the most useless area of land both in Risk and the real world. For thousands of years, the region has lacked arable land, basic resources, and fully-functioning democracy. Kind of like Minnesota, but hot.

In Mali's Golden Age (which many doubt to have ever existed), it was ruled by King Sundiata, or The Lion King of Mali. And no, Disney did not rip them off, it was the other way around. Anyway, Mali was one of three West African kingdoms that traded all its gold off for salt. The people of Mali have never been called 'savvy businessmen'.

Mali eventually became a French colony, thus France's involvement in the current civil war in Mali. One would have thought that it would take way more than MALI to finally get France off their chain-smoking baguette-eating asses and DO SOMETHING... but I guess one would be wrong. Mali is also home to the legendary city of Timbuktu, which was recently declared a World Heritage Site. It took the entire Mali national budget to bribe the WHS officials, a whopping $5.41.

The flag of Mali symbolizes colors.

Anyway, now Mali is engaged in its own Arab Spring. So we'll see how things pan out. And France is being a great help-- they're supplying Mali with massive supplies of croissants, white flags, and stinky cheeses. And Mali-- it's up to you now-- READ MY BLOG!!!

In other news, Clarence Thomas finally said something while on the Supreme Court bench, marking the first time he's spoken since 2006. This undoes my theory that he sold his soul to the devil (George W. Bush), and had to exchange his speech for a seat on the court. But I'll get him on something. His historic statement of "Well-- he did not" will live forever as one of the greatest political quotes of all time. 

Bye!

The 2013 Grahammies (part 1)

As you may know, I love movies. A good chunk of all my blog posts have the tag 'movie' at the bottom. And I see about 100 movies a year, plus 20 in theaters. That's 240 hours, or 14,400 minutes. Or to put it in more simplistic terms, it's roughly the amount of time it takes to watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy. So it gives me great pleasure to now announce MY NOMINEES FOR THE 2013 GRAHAMMIES!!!

For Best Picture: Lincoln, Argo, Chronicle, Django Unchained, and Looper. For the first time, you will be able to vote on the Best Picture nominees in the sidebar! Just click your favorite movie of the year and it'll tabulate it... please. Please vote. Or comment. Or visit my blog site. I only get 500 hits a month. And half of those are from Sweden. Just, please...

Anyway... For Worst Picture: Tim and Eric's Billion-Dollar Movie, 2016: Obama's America, Total Recall, Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part II, and Resident Evil: Retribution.

For Best Actor: Michael Fassbender (Prometheus), Daniel Day-Lewis (Lincoln), Bradley Cooper (Silver Linings Playbook), Denzel Washington (Flight), and Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Looper).

For Worst Actor: Tim Heidecker (Tim and Eric's Billion-Dollar Movie), Robert Pattinson (Twilight), Adam Sandler (Hotel Transylvania), Colin Farrell (Total Recall), and Nicholas Cage (Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance).

For Best Actress: Keira Knightley (Seeking a Friend for the End of the World), Jennifer Lawrence (The Hunger Games, Silver Linings Playbook), Emily Blunt (Looper), Noomi Rapace (Prometheus), and Anne Hathaway (The Dark Knight Rises).

For Worst Actress: Kristen Stewart (Twilight), Maggie Grace (Taken 2), Milla Jovovich (Resident Evil), Kate Beckinsale (Underworld: Awakening), and Meghan Fox (The Dictator).

For Best Director: Steven Spielberg (Lincoln), Quentin Tarantino (Django Unchained), Ang Lee (Life of Pi), Christopher Nolan (The Dark Knight Rises), and Rian Johnson (Looper).

For Worst Director: Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim (Tim and Eric's Billion-Dollar Movie), Melissa Rosenberg (Twilight), Paul W.S. Anderson (Resident Evil), Olivier Megaton (Taken 2), and Len Wiseman (Total Recall).

For Best Screenplay: Looper, Django Unchained, Lincoln, Argo, and Life of Pi.

For Best Sequel/Prequel: Men In Black III, The Avengers, The Dark Knight Rises, Prometheus, and The Hobbit.

For Best Visual Effects: Men In Black III, Life of Pi, The Hobbit, Django Unchained, and Prometheus.

Those are my nominees. Vote if you want. No, even if you don't want to, you'd better vote. VOTE, GOD DAMN IT!!!

Bye!

Trillion Dollar Baby

I haven't been able to blog for a while, seeing as I've been watching every single episode of How I Met Your Mother off of Netflix (ALL PRAISE BE TO NETFLIX, BLESSINGS AND PEACE BE UPON IT), but also because my friend Calvin got hit by a car. He broke a rib and his bike was destroyed, so naturally (being the good friend I am) I stayed by his side until he got better.

Yeah, no... I did call him a couple of times. No, actually... I just texted him. Anyway, school's back, I'm depressed, and I'm trying to forget my troubles by blogging. And DAMN, there's some crazy s**t going on... like you wouldn't believe. This week, the treasury department and both houses of congress have started to seriously consider a wild-- yet fully awesome-- solution to the debt ceiling.

The debt ceiling is a self-imposed limit that the government sets as a maximum amount of spending. If the president or congress wants to spend any more, they need to raise the debt ceiling. Of course, the Republicans don't want to do this, because... let's face it. They're buttholes. But there's a way for Obama to bypass all of that crap and fix the debt ceiling. It's called... THE TRILLION-DOLLAR COIN.



Now, usually I hate any kind of jackassery that results in a loophole getting congress out of DOING ACTUAL WORK... but I fully support this idea. And not JUST because I intend to steal this thing as soon as it's minted. I just think it's FRIGGIN' AWESOME that the federal reserve can just declare something's worth as $1,000,000,000,000.

Here's how it works: The federal reserve puts a limit on how much a coin made of nickel, gold, or copper can be worth--- but they say nothing about PLATINUM. I have been saying this for AGES. At the Olympics, there should be a PLATINUM medal for whoever comes in 0th place. Anyway, I fully support this idea. And again, I do not intend to steal the coin... absolutely not.

But here's something else that's even MORE twisted. Because the fed only puts a cap on the amount of worth a nickel, gold, or copper coin can have, the $1,000,000,000,000 coin can be made of ANYTHING. Marble, dirt, discarded Taco Bell wrappers... as long as the fed officially declares its monetary worth as a trillion dollars, that's what it's worth.

So yes, I'm enjoying this. Also because some say that an episode of The Simpsons thought up this idea first. And WOW, this Blog site doesn't recognize the word 'Simpsons'. That's bad.

Bye!

A New Year

Well, it's a new year. I hope 2014 is better than 2013. I should explain: I've already given up on 2013. It's a s**tty year, and I hate it. Case in point-- I was at the mall today, and I went to the bathroom in REI. I walked out of the stall, and this odd-looking guy in khakis and a bad shirt was looking at me disapprovingly. He said "You really shouldn't use the handicapped stall. What if someone with a physical disability had to use it?"

Of course, the handicapped stall was the only one in the bathroom. So I told him "Hey, it's the only stall here, and I had to... y'know... drop a few Rebels in the 'ol Sarlacc Pit." He turned his nose up at me and walked out of the bathroom.

So, here's my question: Why do we tolerate stupid people? I mean, if someone takes up two parking spaces, do you just give up and allow them to proceed with their idiocy, or do you improvise a flyer advertising parking lessons and tuck it in their windshield wipers in a beautiful display of passive-aggressiveness? I don't know about you, but I choose B.


So, my new year's resolution is to stop tolerating dumb people. They really ruin your day if you run into them, and seeing how large a percentage they are of the population, it's almost statistically impossible NOT to see at least five per day. So YOUR job is to call them out on their stupidity.

And speaking of unspeakable stupidity... wait, that didn't sound right. Anyway, it's time for me to award my BULLS**T OF THE YEAR!!! As you recall, every year I award one of the 50 states the BS of the Year award for excellence in stupidity. In 2010 it was South Carolina, in 2011 it was Texas. And for 2012, it goes to... NORTH CAROLINA! Yeah, we've had both Carolinas in three years. But they deserved it.

North Carolina hosted the Democratic National Convention, but it was still the only swing state to vote for Mitt Romney. And that's all I need. Also, one of my sixteen mortal enemies was born in NC. So, North Carolina, I award you the BULLS**T OF THE YEAR AWARD!!! Treasure it forever, and immediately pawn it.

Bye!