Diamonds are Forever

I'm on a Die Hard marathon, partly because it's the best goddamn movie franchise of all time, but also because I really need to get the taste of number five out of my mouth. Not to mention the fact that I apparently need to bind the book that I wrote for English class by Tuesday, and it looks like I either have to use cheap binder clips or painstakingly connect each individual page to the cover using rubber cement. So yes, I am pretty pissed.

But here's a story that lifted my spirits unmeasurably-- in Brussels this week, a professional heist ended in a group of men disguised as police making off with about fifty million dollars worth of diamonds. Now, as a retired professional thief myself, I have great respect for these guys. They ordered workers to unload the diamonds for them, then left with the loot without a single hitch. But here's the thing...

After several years in the world of organized heists, I'm pretty sure that I've figured out who did this. The signature professionalism, the planning it must have taken... I'm convinced that this heist was carried out by none other than some of the major celebrities in the Hollywood elite. Namely...


George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and Matt Damon (among others, I'm pretty sure Bruce Willis may have been involved). These guys have once again committed a spectacular robbery from under the nose of some of the richest men on Earth. So kudos, guys. I hope this doesn't ruin it for you.

This doesn't even begin to compare with some of my heists, though. In the past, I've stolen the Rosetta Stone, King Tut's 'little tut', and Edward Munch's The Scream. I gave that last one back, though-- I just took it to prove a point.

However, back to real news, remember a few months ago when I reported on a new fad in Japan called "Bagel Head"? This was a procedure where silicone is injected into the recipient's forehead, then they press their thumb into the lump to form a bagel-like impression. Well, I thought that Japan had finally hit the pinnacle of nuttiness, but apparently I was wrong. Another new fad in Japan involves teenage girls going out in public with their panties over their heads. Again, I'm not putting a picture of this on my blog because... well... it's too weird even for me. I will say this, though: This is probably how Bane got his start. Take heed, Japan. This will not end well.

Bye!