SHUTDOWN 2013

One of the biggest news stories I missed during my two-month hiatus was the government shitdown-- er-- shutdown. I have been predicting something to this effect for years, however I was slightly off. In my initial projections, an asteroid would head for Earth, threatening to destroy humanity. Congress would OK a bill to use all of our natural resources to destroy the asteroid, but Republicans in the House would hold out to attach riders to the bill slashing the EPA and Obamacare. Democrats, of course, would refuse, and the Earth would subsequently be destroyed.

Fortunately, we're not faced with such a cataclysmic event, but instead we're sitting around with basically no government. It's day twelve of the shutdown, and there is chaos in the streets. Of course, I'm not seeing any of that here in San Anselmo. If there are riots around here, us Marinites raise the drawbridges and fill the moats with piranhas. We then allow the rest of the world to continue on falling into anarchy while we sit back and enjoy our spas, nail salons, and scented candle stores. God, no wonder the rest of the country hates us.

Meanwhile, President Barack Hussein Achmed Abu-Mohammed Bin Achmed Obama is doing his best to get the House and Congress to agree on something... anything... but it's harder than it looks. Which is saying something, because from where I'm sitting, it looks pretty damn hard. In short, none of the Tea Party Republicans will raise the debt ceiling, because they want to defund Obamacare. Obama needs to save face, so he refuses to give in YET AGAIN. This is what happens... when an unstoppable force meets... an immovable object...



Oh, I'm sure you all have missed my scathing political commentary.

Anyway, while Obama and Boehner battle it out in DC, the rest of us are stuck in a state of total shock. The National Parks Service has shut down all of the parks. Federal government employees aren't getting paid. The infrastructure is collapsing! THE UNIVERSE IS TEARING ITSELF APART AT THE SEAMS!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!

Actually, no. None of that is happening. In fact, I haven't noticed anything different in my life since the government shut down. We're nearly two weeks into it, and there hasn't been a single riot, mugging, shooting, arson, robbery, blitzkrieg, genocide, school shooting, explosion, or YouTube stunt gone horribly wrong in my whole town. It's almost as if the government shutdown didn't really matter, because they weren't doing anything in the first place. Nah, that's ridiculous...

Bye!