Conspiria

In a new project at school, we're supposed to draw maps. You have no idea how happy this makes me. You see, for years my pastime has been doodling maps and drawing random little countries on the backs of math assignments and English papers, so I am 100% prepared for this shit. Not to mention that I am a friggin' geography encyclopedia. I can freehand an accurate map of the world in under five minutes. So now I'm being called over to help random people in the class every thirty seconds. It is my blessing... but also my curse. My map-making skills have earned me the title of Map Jesus.

However, it's not like cartography is really a successful career path. I mean... nobody's out there discovering new continents. Well, except for the Portuguese, who are still looking for a passage to India. I'm getting sidetracked. The point is, maps are fun, and the project I'm working on is about movies. So I now have to write about movies and draw a map... two things I do on a daily basis already. God, I love life. If they could throw hiking, nachos, and trolling the internet into this project, I think I would die from happiness.

But the purpose of today's blog post is to report on something far more sinister: This week, a so-called "cosmic explosion" was caused when an enormous star blew up 3.7 billion light years away. If this explosion had been any closer to Earth, we all would have died. Now, scientists say that the chances of this happening are less than 0.1%. But according to top researchers at THIS highly reputable website, this is all part of a vast government conspiracy to cover up secret alien transgalactic nuclear weapons testing in the Gamma Quadrant of the universe! Or something...



You see, there is a secret society known as the Illuminati, who were responsible for the assassination of JFK. I mean, the news about the cosmic explosion came out ON THE ANNIVERSARY OF JFK'S DEATH! Coincidence? I don't think so! Also, they faked 9/11 in order to destroy the 13th floors of the World Trade Centers-- the devil-worshiping rooms where they faked the moon landing! Then George Bush invaded Iraq and Afghanistan in order to install US-controlled regimes that would be susceptible to takeover when all the world governments unite in the New World Order! IT ALL MAKES SENSE!

This so-called "cosmic explosion" might be something innocuous like alien nuclear weapons, but I think it's something far worse: A device that the rich and powerful will use to wipe out all life on this planet! Then, the select 1% of Earth's population will live out their days happily, building mighty palaces atop the rotting corpses of their former subjects! YAAABLAAAHGAAAH FREEMASONS BLAAGH OBAMA AAAAARRRGH THE GOVERNMENT!!!

Phew... it's pretty bad. Also, don't get me started on Switzerland. Those guys are up to something, have no doubt about it. "Yodeling" and "strolling" around in their "Alps"... yeah, right. Also, the brainwashing techniques that the US government has been using on me aren't working. I spent $15,000 to get my skull lined with tinfoil.

Bye!

Ceiling the Deal

After a lot of work, I have finally made my epic movie review website about as good as I can get it. However, a few things before you visit it: Firstly, all of the reviews are written under the persona of Diego Tutweiller, a vindictive asshole who takes pride in calling movies the "Anus of Cinema" and handing out ridiculously low ratings such as negative zero out of ten stars. That's right-- I INVENTED A NUMBER. And secondarily, I also used the site to upload fake movie posters for a film I had an idea for, so that's what the odd latest post is all about. So if you want to see the website, click HERE.

Besides making a new website, there's not much going on. Let me just check Google news... OH SHIT, SON. The government's back! And I didn't even notice! Apparently, the Republicans allowed the debt ceiling to be raised for the next three months. However, we may have to revisit this tired old debate in February, when the new debt ceiling expires and Democrats start needing to borrow more money for their crippling addiction to welfare.



On the left, we have a perfectly normal, healthy person. But on the right, we have the same woman, six months after becoming addicted to welfare. Welfare. NOT EVEN ONCE. (This ad paid for by the Republican Party).

Anyway, the debt ceiling is raised, people have compromised, and in short, nobody's happy. In fact, one woman went so far as to drive her Infiniti through the barricades around monuments in DC last week, leading police on an hour-long chase through the streets and wreaking havoc. Meanwhile, I was a little miffed because my mail wasn't delivered until 6:00 last night. I guess we all have different ways of dealing with stress.
Skinny skinny
But I really can't get very worked up over any of what just happened, because at the end of the day, both sides are incredibly obnoxious and stupid (perhaps the Republicans a little more so). I honestly couldn't care less about which side came out 'on top' or which one ended up 'losing' this little turf war. Most people agree with me-- in a recent poll, FOX found that congress's approval rating is lower than Nickleback's. Now THAT is some public backlash.

Bye!

SHUTDOWN 2013

One of the biggest news stories I missed during my two-month hiatus was the government shitdown-- er-- shutdown. I have been predicting something to this effect for years, however I was slightly off. In my initial projections, an asteroid would head for Earth, threatening to destroy humanity. Congress would OK a bill to use all of our natural resources to destroy the asteroid, but Republicans in the House would hold out to attach riders to the bill slashing the EPA and Obamacare. Democrats, of course, would refuse, and the Earth would subsequently be destroyed.

Fortunately, we're not faced with such a cataclysmic event, but instead we're sitting around with basically no government. It's day twelve of the shutdown, and there is chaos in the streets. Of course, I'm not seeing any of that here in San Anselmo. If there are riots around here, us Marinites raise the drawbridges and fill the moats with piranhas. We then allow the rest of the world to continue on falling into anarchy while we sit back and enjoy our spas, nail salons, and scented candle stores. God, no wonder the rest of the country hates us.

Meanwhile, President Barack Hussein Achmed Abu-Mohammed Bin Achmed Obama is doing his best to get the House and Congress to agree on something... anything... but it's harder than it looks. Which is saying something, because from where I'm sitting, it looks pretty damn hard. In short, none of the Tea Party Republicans will raise the debt ceiling, because they want to defund Obamacare. Obama needs to save face, so he refuses to give in YET AGAIN. This is what happens... when an unstoppable force meets... an immovable object...



Oh, I'm sure you all have missed my scathing political commentary.

Anyway, while Obama and Boehner battle it out in DC, the rest of us are stuck in a state of total shock. The National Parks Service has shut down all of the parks. Federal government employees aren't getting paid. The infrastructure is collapsing! THE UNIVERSE IS TEARING ITSELF APART AT THE SEAMS!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!

Actually, no. None of that is happening. In fact, I haven't noticed anything different in my life since the government shut down. We're nearly two weeks into it, and there hasn't been a single riot, mugging, shooting, arson, robbery, blitzkrieg, genocide, school shooting, explosion, or YouTube stunt gone horribly wrong in my whole town. It's almost as if the government shutdown didn't really matter, because they weren't doing anything in the first place. Nah, that's ridiculous...

Bye!

Putting the Mental in Governmental: Part III: Prism Schism

Hey, guess what I'm typing this on? Two guesses. No, not my dinky iPod screen. And no, not my parent's computer either. Yes, good readers, I am writing you from my brand-new HP laptop, a marvel of human engineering. Why watch 24 on your iPhone when you can watch it in high-definition on a 15-inch screen? Yeah, I couldn't think of a reason either.

I'm pretty satisfied with life right now. Finals are over, and my Geometry and Science tests were in fact far easier than I thought they would be. School's out, and I can now look forward to 10 whole weeks of doing what I do best: NOTHING PRODUCTIVE WHATSOEVER. Except summer reading. And community service. And the 'summer engagement project', in which I have to find something that inspires me and create a project around it. The catch: Some of it has to be outdoors, and I just got a laptop, so... yeah. That probably won't work out.

But I can't take a total break from news in order to talk about my BRAND NEW FRIGGIN' AWESOME LAPTOP, so it's time to talk about boring shit. Yep, the f**kin' whistle blowers are at it again. According to my best sources (meaning John Oliver and Steven Colbert), there is a secret government program that records everything you ever do. Called Prism, this supercomputer sifts through billions of phone call records, emails, and text messages every day in order to find links to terrorist groups. Seems innocuous enough? Let me break it down for you.

I now give you... a situation that can actually happen in America today. A terrorist needs to call his local Toyota dealership in order to purchase a car for use as a bomb. Instead, he dials the wrong number, and calls your home. Prism records this call, and when the Toyota salesman who is secretly a CIA agent busts his ass, you are sent to Guantanamo with him. Totally possible; I am not using any hyperbole here at all. Or sarcasm.



Or, of course, the upside is that if you ever need to remember that website you visited that one time back in 2009, just speak loudly and clearly into your new Xbox One, and I'm sure that some helpful soul at the NSA will get right on it.

So what does this mean for America? That the psychopaths who wore tinfoil hats and yelled "THE GOVERNMENT!!!" in the streets were right? Of course not. What it DOES mean is that most Americans are perfectly fine with having their personal freedoms stripped away in favor of decreasing the chances that the next time they get on a plane, five guys with AKs will bring it down. For most, it's a difficult decision. For me, not so much. I choose FREEDOM!!!! Life's no fun without the off-chance that you'll get blow up tomorrow, right?

That was sarcasm, for those of you unschooled in the fine art of reading comprehension. But believe me, this is not a slippery slope. Sure, we're monitoring phone calls, but guns go unchecked to this day. Guess which one Republican legislators support.

Bye!

Putting the Mental in Governmental: Part II: The Walls Have Ears

I am taking a break from excruciating finals studying to blog here, so... you're welcome. I am making a page of notes for Science, writing my poem for English, studying for my Spanish test, and doing a giant-ass packet for Math. So yeah, I need some time to let off some steam.

My poem is actually pretty damn good. It's about a wall in the middle of the desert, and it's all... existential... or whatever... with symbolism... and stuff. English teachers eat that kind of stuff up, right? Here's the finale I'm considering for it:

The setting sun slips through a crack

The darkness consumes all

And lo, I cannot give a crap

About this giant f**king wall

I probably won't use that, though. Not precisely the best way to finish off a year of English class. But fortunately for you, I won't bore you to death with the details of my abysmal poetry. Because for the first time in two weeks, there's been an interesting news story! Last week, Edward Snowdon, a government employee, released a series of over 200,000 documents that basically say that the NSA is spying on everything we do. So, this leaves one question:

Didn't we already know this?

Seriously, what the f**k? I thought that ever since the Simpsons Movie, people knew that the government has been listening in on every phone conversation you have. It's been this way since the passing of The Patriot Act. So why the hell is this big news? OHHH... I GET IT... It's because back THEN it was BUSH, and NOW it's OBAMA! It all makes sense!

To be serious, that's the only reason why anybody cares. These are the same people who wanted to see Obama's birth certificate, need to know 'the truth' about Benghazi, and think Iron Man is putting listening devices in their homes. Translation: They are absolutely, unequivocally, F**K NUTS. I cannot be kind about this. Anybody who thinks that the government is competent enough to pull off such a monumental cover-up is clearly delusional. I'm super cereal here, guys.

Anyway... yeah, the NSA listens to everything you do. I didn't care in 2007 and I don't care now in 2013. I have nothing to hide. If you seriously (or cereally) think that some poor soul in a darkened room in the Pentagon is pouring over every correspondence you've ever had, you are gravely misinformed. If that were true, they would seppuku themselves after endless hours of funny cat pics.

No, what the government USUALLY does is either compile phone records to use in a criminal case or search E-mails for the phrases "White House", "bomb", and "President". 

OH SHIT-- I JUST USED THE ILLEGAL WORDS. I CAN HEAR THE HELICOPTERS OUTSIDE MY HOUSE. THEY'RE COMING FOR ME. PAY HEED, PEOPLE-- THEY'RE PROBABLY GONNA STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND CUT OPEN MY CHEST-- AND IT'S ALL LEGAL UNDER OBAMACARE!!! WHY DID I VOTE FOR OBAMA??? WHYYYYYYYYYYYY...

Bye!