Blade Runner

Here's a shocking thought: Between OJ Simpson, Tiger Woods, Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius, it seems like a Nike sponsorship makes you go bad. DAMN YOU, SWOOSH!!! Now all we have to do to test this theory is wait for Michael Jordan to become a crackhead.

As I'm sure you've heard, Oscar Pistorius, the 'Blade Runner' who competed in the 2012 Olympics, shot his girlfriend last week. He says it was an accident, and that he thought she was an intruder. And I believe him. It's like in Doonesbury, when Uncle Duke almost killed Zeke after mistaking him for a raccoon. But unfortunately, Pistorius doesn't have the defense of being high at the time. Unless he scored some of Michael Jordan's s**t. Graham Vert

And speaking of the Olympics, I'm calling this right now: The rings are racist. And I'm not the only one who's noticed. I mean, LOOK at them.


Really? Africa's BLACK, and Asia is YELLOW? This is more racist than the Power Rangers. Anyway, people all across the internet have been calling for the rings to be changed for a while now. And I haven't even gotten INTO the fact that the red one represents North America. God. So racist.

Anyway, today Pistorius made a stand in court, and the prosecution has since admitted that they fudged the facts a little. So we'll just have to wait and see if this turns out to be another Casey Anthony verdict. What... doesn't ANYONE remember that?

Recently, I've gotten hooked on the TV show 24, because if you're feeling crappy about your life, you can at least thank God you're not Jack Bauer. The only problem is that now, whenever my watch beeps on the hour, I instinctively say "The following takes place between the hours of 1:00 and 2:00 AM on the day of the California presidential primary. Events occur in real time."

Bye!

THE OLYMPIANS!!!

The Olympics are off to an... unusual start. The opening ceremonies were, in my opinion, kind of crappy, but it was good to see the Queen skydive with the worst James Bond yet. And it's not over, just wait for Skyfall in December.

Anyway, the damn British couldn't think of anything about their country more interesting than their health care system. Really? That's kind of rubbing it in our noses. Uncool, guys. Uncool.

And the events themselves aren't being particularly kind to anyone. Michael Phelps has not only failed to place on the medal stand a couple of times, but he's been beaten again and again by his American rival, Ryan Lochte. China had an incredibly poor showing in the gymnastics routine, which I find odd. Usually, the Chinese government removes organs from its gymnasts in order to make them lighter. You know, just a kidney or so.

But the biggest failure came today, when the Badminton teams of China, South Korea, and Indonesia purposely threw the matches in order to face easier teams in the coming rounds. Now, this is a hair-raising event to all of us, I'm sure, and it brings with it an important question:

They have BADMINTON in the OLYMPICS?

Seriously, what the hell? If you're going to put Badminton in there, you really need Nerf Gun Target Practice, Bottle Cap Flicking, and Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2.

I am quite adept at the exquisite art of Bottle Cap Flicking.

Nonetheless, despite a few hang-ups, the London Olympics seem to be doing OK... at least until Mitt Romney showed up to cheer on Switzerland and the Cayman Islands. He also voiced some concerns as to the security of the Olympics, to which Prime Minister David Cameron responded "F*** you". I'm paraphrasing, of course, but you get the idea.

Romney is, of course, famous for saving the 2002 Salt Lake City Olympics, or as I like to call them, 'The Olympics that Time Forgot'. In his press conference, Cameron stated "It's much harder to hold the Olympics in a bustling city of over seven million than in the middle of nowhere".

BUUUUUUUUURN!!!!

Bye!