Downton Crappy

Everyone and their mothers (and especially the mothers) have become enraptured in a new TV show called Downton Abbey, and my mom has been taken in by it. So I've sat through almost all of the third season, and I think I can now make an accurate judgement.

THIS SHOW IS BS. Seriously. Every single time I watch it, the same damn s**t is happening. There's a gay-ass butler who tried to make out with some dude while he was asleep. There's an ice queen woman who doesn't do anything but try to get pregnant and say 'Papa' instead of 'dad'. There's a creepy old butler whose entire acting credentials seem to involve looking indignant, and there's Maggie Smith as... well... Maggie Smith.

For those of you unacquainted with the show, I'm sure that sounded deranged. GOOD, because I'd hate to give you the wrong impression. And for those of you who DO watch this thing, well... I have devised the DOWNTON ABBEY DRINKING GAAAAAME!!!


• Every time someone cries, drink.
• Every time someone looks upon modern technology disapprovingly, drink.
• Every time there's a long-winded conversation about finances, drink.
• Every time someone says either 'mama' or 'papa', drink (down your drink if they say both in the same sentence).
• Every time there's a medical emergency, drink.
• Every time an exterior shot of the abbey causes you to say out loud "Damn, that's a big-ass house", drink.
• Every time a minor character from some old episode resurfaces with little to no explanation, drink.
• Every time someone goes through a dramatic and completely predictable character turnaround, drink twice. Graham Vert
• Every time Maggie Smith says some line that'll probably win her an award, drink twice.
• Every time Thomas does something gay and awkward, drink twice.
• Every time someone takes one in the 'nads, down your drink.
• Every time there's a spectacular action sequence, down your drink.
• Every time Lord Grantham yells "MOTHERF**KER", drink the bottle (this also works for "FORNICATOR OF MATRIARCHS").

Of course, this game will most likely result in all participants getting utterly s**tfaced drunk by the end, but hey, ain't no party like an early 20th century British party.

Bye!

Anarchy in the UK

Before I get started, I am legally obligated to make the following statement: Yes, this blog post is about the royal pregnancy. So if you have aversions to graphic displays of media frenzies, GET OUT NOW. STOP READING, CLOSE THE PAGE, AND WALK AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER.

That said, I can now begin. Kate Middleton (or 'Duchess Katherine', for you hoity-toity Brits out there) is pregnant, and she's 95% sure that it's William's baby. So, what does this mean? This little royal embryo is now responsible for carrying on the Windsor family name. However, s**t's been going down for the past week that would blow your mind.

Remember when those French paparazzi took long-range pictures of Kate naked? Well, it's happened again-- TIMES 1,000. A radio station in Australia called the hospital where Kate was being treated for morning sickness, and a nurse gave them all of Kate's medical information after they pretended to be The Queen. It would have been pretty funny, except that nurse just committed suicide.

Okay, it still is pretty funny. Because all the nurse did was PUT THROUGH A CALL!!! And she KILLED HERSELF!!! I can't blame Australia for this, mainly because we Americans like to stick up for our fellow former colonies. But also, Britain has created a culture where these royals are so revered that an exceedingly minor slip-up like this somehow merits SUICIDE? You've got to be F**KING KIDDING ME!!!


Also, if I didn't take the Aussie's side, I'm afraid they'd invade America on crocodile-back. But in all cerealness, this is absolutely ridiculous. And now all the Brits are blaming the 'Uncultured Colonies' for bringing this upon them. You know what, Britain? If you don't want this dumbass crap happening, get rid of your stupid royal family! They're nothing but a taxpayer expense and a tourist attraction! They have no real power! They're like the EPA... minus the 'tourist attraction' part.

Fortunately, Scotland might not be putting up with England's BS any longer--- they've been drafting constitutions and may vote to secede from the UK. Which means we've got ANOTHER country capital to memorize in 6th grade. I'm totally on their side, though. These people are eating SCRAMBLED FABERGE EGGS FOR BREAKFAST!!! Okay... I'm done.

Bye!

THE OLYMPIANS!!!

The Olympics are off to an... unusual start. The opening ceremonies were, in my opinion, kind of crappy, but it was good to see the Queen skydive with the worst James Bond yet. And it's not over, just wait for Skyfall in December.

Anyway, the damn British couldn't think of anything about their country more interesting than their health care system. Really? That's kind of rubbing it in our noses. Uncool, guys. Uncool.

And the events themselves aren't being particularly kind to anyone. Michael Phelps has not only failed to place on the medal stand a couple of times, but he's been beaten again and again by his American rival, Ryan Lochte. China had an incredibly poor showing in the gymnastics routine, which I find odd. Usually, the Chinese government removes organs from its gymnasts in order to make them lighter. You know, just a kidney or so.

But the biggest failure came today, when the Badminton teams of China, South Korea, and Indonesia purposely threw the matches in order to face easier teams in the coming rounds. Now, this is a hair-raising event to all of us, I'm sure, and it brings with it an important question:

They have BADMINTON in the OLYMPICS?

Seriously, what the hell? If you're going to put Badminton in there, you really need Nerf Gun Target Practice, Bottle Cap Flicking, and Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2.

I am quite adept at the exquisite art of Bottle Cap Flicking.

Nonetheless, despite a few hang-ups, the London Olympics seem to be doing OK... at least until Mitt Romney showed up to cheer on Switzerland and the Cayman Islands. He also voiced some concerns as to the security of the Olympics, to which Prime Minister David Cameron responded "F*** you". I'm paraphrasing, of course, but you get the idea.

Romney is, of course, famous for saving the 2002 Salt Lake City Olympics, or as I like to call them, 'The Olympics that Time Forgot'. In his press conference, Cameron stated "It's much harder to hold the Olympics in a bustling city of over seven million than in the middle of nowhere".

BUUUUUUUUURN!!!!

Bye!

Game of Thrones

I am so done with England.

I know they give me about 100 hits a month, but seriously, they need to calm the hell down for a while. The Queen had her diamond jubilee last week, giving everyone a moment to pause, think, and then Google what the hell 'diamond jubilee' means.

For those of you incapable of a six-second internet search, a diamond jubilee is a celebration of a monarch's 60 years on the throne. As you may remember from my 2011 post about the Royal Wedding, I despise the constant uproar over a bunch of stuffy old nutjobs who, through centuries of inbreeding, have finally attained pure and unbridled senility. I will never understand Britain. Not only do they have a bunch of out-of touch old people for a tourist attraction, but they have a food called 'spotted dick', a subway system called 'the tube', and they set up rocks out in the middle of fields in the most arbitrary ways.

WHAT THE F*** IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE??? AAARGH...

Anyway, the jubi-thingy was celebrated with a flotilla of kayaks, a pitiful fireworks show, and a fly-by that, like many things in England, got cancelled due to rain. Let's not even bother with the spectacular 75th anniversary of the Golden Gate Bridge (the most goddamn awesome bridge of all time, screw off Tower Bridge). THAT was a sight to behold.

My question is: How is the Queen alive? Is she being sustained by sucking the youth out of her subjects? Or is she actually dead, like Tupac, and is brought back for public appearances in hologram form? So many questions...

I'll just have to go back to London. Just in time for the Olympics, too...

Bye!

Murder by Murdoch

I'm really, really, really, REALLY tired. I went to sleep at one in the morning and woke up at noon. My entire rhythm is thrown off. Probably because I went to sleep at midnight the night before and woke up at 11:00... it's a long story.

Breaking news in the News of the World scandal-- The whistle blower who exposed the entire thing has been found dead. Scotland Yard says it's not suspicious. I guess I can't argue with that.

Oh, and Rupert Murdoch was nearly creamed in the face with a pie while he was addressing Parliament. He was narrowly saved by his ninja wife, who whacked the attacker over the head with her purse. Yeah. That's right.

So, if you'll look at that picture, the woman in pink is Murdoch's wife. You can't even SEE Murdoch through the flurry of punches she's throwing. Actually, I don't even know if anyone told him he was being attacked.

So, the man on the right is Murdoch. While he's addressing Parliament.

Asleep.

I'm really having fun with this story.

Bye!

Plane Trip

So, we're gonna leave in three hours. Expect no more posts for two weeks (but keep checking up to boost my hit count).

This needs to be a very short post, 'cause I still haven't done a s***load of stuff (packing, eating, showering, etc). So, SAYONARA, CAPYBARA! I'm off to steal the Rosetta Stone.

Bye!

I Can't Believe it's not Wiener!

Oh, hello hello, everyone. I haven't blogged for a while because I've been sitting on my butt staring at the computer, but I didn't want to invest the time it takes to write a post. So, here we go-- I hope I won't have to leave in the middle of writing this.

Anthony Wiener, the congressman accused of tweeting his namesake, is still under fire for... hmm... Twienering? Wieneeting? There's no good pun for that, is there?

The sad thing is, I used to be a big fan of Wiener. That didn't sound right. He used to stand up to the Republicans using colorful graphs and language. It's a shame. He's also a good friend of Jon Stewart, who somehow managed to slice his wrist open while doing a bit on his congressman friend. Click HERE to watch the clip.

Let's get off this somewhat disgusting topic and start talking about something much more exciting-- my trip to Europe! On Tuesday, I'm leaving for the mystical land of ridiculous hats and rich figureheads. Now, instead of blogging from Europe (which would be incredibly easy to do), I've decided to be a bit of a turd about this and take the next two weeks off. When I get back, I will publish my exploits to the 'internets'.

See, I'll be keeping an obnoxious travel journal while I'm in England and France, which will not necessarily reflect the actual events that happen while I'm there. For those of you who want the actual account, just use your imaginations.

I know I will.

Bye!

P.S.-- this is my 100th post in 2011!

European-You're 'a Peein'

Five days of school left. This means I've slogged through 175 long, looooooooong days of pure torture/hell. But in many ways, the last few days are the most excruciatingly difficult. Math tests, science tests, spanish tests, english... okay, actually we're watching a movie in english. But that's still three out of four.

As of next Tuesday, we will have exactly one week until we're in Europe. I can't wait. The Euros and Pounds arrived today. They're ridiculous. Here, take a look:

That's monopoly money if I've ever seen it. They look like they were designed by six-year olds as wall hangings for their kindergarten classrooms. They're all glittery and stuff. And what's worse is that we only got twenties! I wanted to 'collect them all!!!'

Oh, and my apologies if I offended anyone reading this blog from an EU country. I did not intend offense when I said your currency looks like something you'd find in the bottom of a cereal box.

Fortunately, no one in this family is a particularly generous spender. We're not coming home with plastic Eiffel Towers or life-size inflatable Elizabeth II dolls. As I said in a post many, many moons ago, it took my parents forever to finally buy a new car. BTW, click HERE to read that post (entitled 'Secondhand').

While we're on the topic of links, check out THIS link. It goes to my friend Ben's website, Shmuff.com, which he actually had to buy. I don't know who the money went to, but I have a feeling-- It's in that big, massive computer database in the sky. And yes, his website is a tad... simplistic. But whatever. It's still pretty cool.

Bye!

England: Land of Engs

As we all know, the royal wedding was today (at around 3:00 AM). It's an admittedly rare occasion that we get to see vulgarity on that scale. The most sickening part was that, even in the midst of all this controversy (80% of Brits believe the wedding was a waste of time and money), two billion people reportedly tuned in to watch it. Disgusting.

The Daily Show did a report on the royal wedding with their senior British correspondent, John Oliver. During his time in London, he was able to interview an old lady with a strange hoarding complex and a crazy person who thinks people (oh, I mean 'commoners') should be honored just to clean up after the royal wedding. It's times like these when you wonder how humanity gets its pants on in the morning. The Daily Show segment can be accessed HERE.

I have to say, as an American, I think this whole royalty thing is a huge waste of time. All it truly is is a bunch of aloof, out-of-touch people in a centuries-old family trying to cling to the last scraps of relevance. It's sad, if you think about it. But what's sadder is that some people actually agree with them, and think the royals should continue being 'special' people. Sad.

But fortunately, there are some people who are standing up to this. Some brave Brits are going against traditions that were pointless to begin with. These people are...

THE REFORMERS.

Yes, The Reformers, bravely fighting against the evil forces of the... Royalcepticons. I dunno.

Fortunately, I was able to profit from the royal wedding in my usual way--- selling useless Vertco products (that may or may not be tainted with lead) to the unsuspecting populace. So far, I've grossed $60,000.

I love America.

Bye!

YA FIRRRRRED!!!!!

I never thought I'd say this, but I'm fully supporting Donald Trump.

I understand everything now: if Trump wins the Republican nomination, Obama will go through to a second term so easily, it won't even be funny. Actually, it will be pretty funny. Especially when we see John Boehner's face.

Speaking of Boehner's face, notice anything different? Less orange. The orange background he bought must counteract the not-so-subtle spray tan he got while vacationing in Jersey.

BAD MOVIE is coming along nicely, but my friends are clearly not actors. Getting them all together in one place is like herding cats made of jello. Whenever a shot has been taken perfectly, Willp will stand up and yell out 'I AM HE-MAN!!!' And Conner is no better: He swears SO much. It's for class, I keep telling him, but every time, he can't keep it together. Here's an excerpt from BAD MOVIE II.

Me: We have captured you! Prepare for a systematic interrogation routine that will crush your soul and reduce you to a scum-eating worm!!!

Luis: Any good news?

Me: You won't have to go through baggage claim!

Willp: YAAAAY!

On the subject of baggage claim, I'm going to England and France (aka The Fertile Croissant) over the summer, and I have no clue whether to do the full-body scan or the full-body pat-down. Either way, it's probably the only part of the trip I'm going to remember.

Bye!

Prince of Wails

'Ello, everybody! It's time for another splendid edition of G-Force's coverage of the Royal Wedding! Today we have some wonderful things you might want to buy from us for only $19.95! Take a look!

First out of the bag, we 'ave the commemorative patented Vertco® Royal Wedding diamond-encrusted plate with the images of the engaged couple and Joe Republic (see my previous post, GALAXY). Eating off of this is punishable by death.

Next up is the royal wedding/5-Shot Bob commemorative cup, bearing the images of the Prince of Wales, his fiance, and my character, 5-Shot, drinking a martini.

Finally, we have another cup, this one with the image of Dr. Legs, everyone's favorite arse-kicker.

If you wish to order 'ommemorative china, print off and fill out the following form:

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

VERTCO ORDERING FORM QQ957

__ Yes, I collect useless crap. Please send me the entire china set TODAY!

__ No, I am not an insane person. I am 'isgusted by what I have seen here.

Check all that apply:

__ Joe Republic diamond-encursted royal wedding plate

__ 5-Shot Bob royal wedding mug

__ Dr. Legs royal wedding cup

Send to: PO box 21444 in San Francisco, CA. Wait 4-6 weeks for shipment.

The Royal Wedding

(Tip: for maximum enjoyment of this post, read out loud in stuffy British accent).

Well, It's time. The planets have aligned and the sun is calm, and I played tetris.

I got a whopping 163,496 points.

Now, I'm not going to have a spaz about this. I'm going to be very, very calm. Like the sun. I'm not going to panic. Even though this might be a new world record. Don't panic. Don't panic! DON'T PANIC! NOBODY PANIC!!!!!!!

Anyway, here's a tidbit of information you might be interested in: There's a Royal Wedding on, chap! And as you all know, we Americans have a long and proud tradition of loving British royalty.

Well, all the reporters of the west are flocking to London, where they're apparently 'guests of honor' or something. Which leaves only two disgruntled reporters here in America: Me and Stephen Colbert, who planned his trip very carefully only to not receive an invitation. So, in the interest of not being excluded, I have a plan.

I'm crashing the royal wedding.

Yeah, I know. Sounds crazy doesn't it? But it's time for G-FORCE UK, CHUCK! I'll visit Big Ben, make funny faces at the palace guards, and treat myself to breakfasts of tea and scrambled faberge eggs. I'll actually be going to England and France in the summer, but I guess I'll have to visit a little early. And Stephen? It's okay to tag along if you want.

Goodbye, I say!