How to Run a Company (Take it from the pros)

Greetings, greetings, greetings and salutations. Today I will be instructing you on how to run your company. But first, you must take a short quiz to see if you really are CEO material.

Question 1: Would you rather pay your employees with money or banana peels?

The correct answer was banana peels.

Question 2: You're watching TV. You see a story about poverty in a 3rd world country. Do you think:

A) I will spend my life helping these people.

B) That's awful.

C) What a great place to open a polluting factory where workers are paid minimum wage!!!

The correct answer was C.

Question 3: Would you rather have a health care plan for your company or an endless supply of workers to replace the fallen?

The correct answer was an endless supply of workers.

Did you answer any of those wrong? Yes? Congratulations! You've just been fired by the guy who answered correctly.

If not, keep reading.

First, you need a product. Don't start out too big, begin with something like laundry detergents and work your way up. That's what I did with my company, Vertco (which now makes cars. Whoo!)

Find a niche, and work it to your advantage. If necessary, take out a massive bank loan and buy out your competition.

Second, work up a slogan and an ad campaign. Don't be too original; work with what has been proven to be an effective sales method.

But to successfully market your product, you need a demographic. Who are you trying to reach? One-legged Albanian blind men? Great! Find out what they like to see in an ad! If you're shooting for the mid-life crisis group, make the ad look edgy (Red Bull, Nike, Jeep). If you think your valued customers would rather like comfort, make everything in the ad look soft and inviting (Lexus, Dove, Laz-e-boy). Does buying your product make you patriotic? Does it make you a veritable magnet for the opposite gender? Incorporate everything you can into that! Hula dancers, the Australian outback, and maybe a few American flags.

If you're working for Starbucks, skip the next paragraph.

Third, get your product out there! Put up stores, get it on the shelves, draw up billboards. Tip for the billboards: Don't use too much red; the drivers will think of those crappy Verizon ads and charge like a bull.

Fourth, deny EVERYTHING. If your laundry detergent is filled with acid, if your car's gas pedals stick (Toyota only), if your energy drinks explode, don't admit anything. If you must, pay off the people who are suing you out of court. Don't let the media catch anything.

Congrats! You are now qualified to run a company (into a ditch). Bye!

This is a PERFECT ad.