YA FIRRRRRED!!!!!

I never thought I'd say this, but I'm fully supporting Donald Trump.

I understand everything now: if Trump wins the Republican nomination, Obama will go through to a second term so easily, it won't even be funny. Actually, it will be pretty funny. Especially when we see John Boehner's face.

Speaking of Boehner's face, notice anything different? Less orange. The orange background he bought must counteract the not-so-subtle spray tan he got while vacationing in Jersey.

BAD MOVIE is coming along nicely, but my friends are clearly not actors. Getting them all together in one place is like herding cats made of jello. Whenever a shot has been taken perfectly, Willp will stand up and yell out 'I AM HE-MAN!!!' And Conner is no better: He swears SO much. It's for class, I keep telling him, but every time, he can't keep it together. Here's an excerpt from BAD MOVIE II.

Me: We have captured you! Prepare for a systematic interrogation routine that will crush your soul and reduce you to a scum-eating worm!!!

Luis: Any good news?

Me: You won't have to go through baggage claim!

Willp: YAAAAY!

On the subject of baggage claim, I'm going to England and France (aka The Fertile Croissant) over the summer, and I have no clue whether to do the full-body scan or the full-body pat-down. Either way, it's probably the only part of the trip I'm going to remember.

Bye!

Good Willp Hunting

So, we have the basic script written for BAD MOVIE. And we have a pretty good plan for the 17 sequels, including BAD MOVIE IV: Good Willp Hunting and BAD MOVIE XII: Gone With the Willp. There's also BAD MOVIE IX: Free Willpy and BAD MOVIE XVI: Modern Willpfare. It's entirely epic. Here's the basic plot of BAD MOVIE.Willp is in detention for putting frogs in the school toilets when a time portal opens up and sucks him through. He lands in a nation called Turdistan, which is ruled by an evil despot (me). I have several evil things I deploy to try and stop the insurrection against my rule (which is led by my friend Luis), but even though I have the Hypothalamus and the Waffle-Copter (a helicopter with a waffle for a rotor), I ultimately die after Willp kills me with the EPIC SWORD. He also uses a time machine to go from the past to the future to gain knowledge of the present. There he meets Baron Tutweiller (my friend Riley), who challenges him to a game of Risk. As I said, it's a bad movie.

The best part is that I get to play, like, five parts. First, I'm Verticus Maximus, the dictator of Turdistan. Then I'm the Sequalizer. Then I'm my own twin brother, who is even more incompetent than Verticus Maximus. Also, I always get to wear an awesome 'stache.

Bye!

Re-Hash of the Titans

Well, I did it: Over this nine-day break, I watched a movie every day. Logan's Run, Battle: LA, HELP!, V for Vendetta, Spinal Tap, Clash of the Titans, Cast Away, Catch-22, and Gattaca. But the one that undoubtedly stood out the most was Clash of the Titans. Now, I know that I usually say that movies are 'The Best Movie Ever' (Beverly Hills Cop, I, Robot, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Men in Black, Source Code, Paul, Independence Day, etc), but not this time. Clash of the Titans was officially the worst movie ever. I can't even begin to tell you how much it sucked.

It gave me a great idea, though: I'm making a movie. It's called BAD MOVIE: The Worst Movie Ever, as opposed to BAD MOVIE II: Revenge of the Sequalizer. I have all my friends in on it, and I'm already working up a script. I, of course, play the main evil guy (mainly because I get to wear an epic mustache), but also because I get to say the following lines:

Me: RELEASE THE KRAKEN!

Conner: Sir, we don't have a Kraken.

Me: Less yackin', more Kraken!

Conner: THERE IS NO KRAKEN!

Me: Then release the Minotaur!

Conner: We don't have a Minotaur.

Me: Hydra?

Conner: Nope.

Me: Well, what DO we have?

Conner: Why, we have The Hypothalamus!

Me: Of course! CHARGE THE HYPOTHALAMUS!!!

The hypothalamus, by the way, is a gland in your cerebrum. But maybe you already knew that. In BAD MOVIE, however, it's a gigantic laser death ray®.

Here's some more dialogue:

Bob: What's your name, private?

Tayler: Parts, sir! Jonathan Parts!

Bob: So... your name is... Private Parts?

Tayler: Sir, yes, sir!

Private Parts!

Aaah, fun. So, if you want to invest in BAD MOVIE, BAD MOVIE II, or BAD MOVIE III: The Worstestest Movie Ever, our lines are open! Just call 1-800-555-3413! And no, this has nothing to do with the fact that I also saw The Producers recently.

Bye!

<< The saddest thing about Clash of the Titans is that it unironically employs the tagline 'Titans Will Clash'.