Unacceptable

If anyone wants to see an epic Minecraft server, type 76.126.62.94 into your Minecraft direct connect bar and PREPARE TO BE AMAZED! My friend Benny and I made this world, he supplied the technical knowledge and the amazing craftsmanship, I supplied the enormous Leekar head. There's a bunch of warps set up to my beautiful lighthouse, walled city, and desert town (yay, Cactus!)... anyway, none of this will make an ounce of sense to you if you don't play the amazing game that is Minecraft. So go download it right now, it'll take you only a few seconds. It's good s**t.

This week at my school is 'Acceptance Week.' Yeah, I know, it sounds absolutely moronic. Monday was 'Self-Acceptance Day', Tuesday was 'Disability Acceptance Day', Wednesday was 'Cultural Acceptance Day', and today was 'LGBT Acceptance Day.' So no, this is not fun whatsoever. In fact, most of this week has been all about me putting up with the dumbest s**t of my life.

Not to say that I don't support any of these causes (although Self-Acceptance Day is idiotic), but my school has set up some sort of culture where the slightest disparaging comment is treated as 'unproductive' and 'wrong-minded.' This week has been all about anti-bullying, but what they don't get is that friends can call each other names without it being 'bullying.' I even hate the WORD. Bullying. I choke on my tongue whenever I say it.
Graham Vert
I've been called an asshole, jackass, dipwad, moron, and God damn f**k s**t son of a bitch at school, and you don't see me complaining. That's partly because I can dish it out plenty as well, but also because I'm pretty thick-skinned. But just because a few people have gone to drastic measures (and committed suicide) we've all had to sit through this week.

See... this kind of crap... it pisses me off.

There hasn't been a serious case of bullying at my school for years, but for some reason, people still think it's a problem. You hear stories about Columbine and other school shootings, and the media will say that EVERY HIGH SCHOOL IN THE COUNTRY IS A BREEDING GROUND FOR DISILLUSIONED LONERS WHO WANT TO KILL EVERYBODY!!! AAAAAHHH!!! But as someone who actually GOES to high school every day, I can assure you that that's not the case. In reality, I've never seen something that I would call 'bullying' in my life. EVER. Chew on that for a while.

They even had us write down our own 'Personal Weaknesses', or things about ourselves that we don't like. Then they looped all the pieces of paper into chains and strung them around the tree in the courtyard. It's friggin' awful. All I wrote was "Sorry I couldn't think of anything. Good luck with your... accepting... whatever." I wish I could have been left out of this... F**K...

There are so many other things about this week I'd love to get into... the crappy motivational posters, the asinine pep talks... the vows of silence... all that ridiculous bulls**t. But I'd like to focus on Cultural Acceptance Day (or as sane people call it, Wednesday). Yesterday, people came to school dressed up in costumes denoting their culture. I actually thought about wearing a beret and waving a white flag while yelling "OUI OUI OUI! UN BAGUETTE! WE SURRENDAIR!" But I couldn't find a store that will sell chain-smoking cigarettes to minors. Anyway, some Israeli and Palestinian students were flown in from the Middle East to play ultimate frisbee.

Yeah, that's right-- ULTIMATE FRISBEE. Apparently, the two historically polarized ethnic groups have finally put aside their differences for a game of frisbee. I would have played, but I was a little nervous that s**t would start blowing up. However, I did get to yell at a German exchange student for invading France. So that was a plus.

Altogether, this has been a thoroughly unproductive and frustrating week for me. I would like to thank the Ross Valley School System and its infinite wisdom for making this all possible. Until next time the school board pisses me off, bye!

Twits

OH MY GOD!!! THE WHITE HOUSE HAS BEEN BOMBED!!! OBAMA IS HURT AND POSSIBLY DYING!!! THE STOCK MARKET IS PLUNGING!!! SWARMS OF LOCUSTS ARE DESCENDING UPON THE MIDWEST!!! SOCIETY IS RIPPING APART AT THE SEAMS!!! THIS IS THE END!!!

Sorry, my blog was hacked. Apparently there's a lot of that going around these days, seeing as the Associated Press had their Twitter feed hacked, leading to an erroneous report that the White House had been attacked. Or maybe someone at FilmDistrict was just pushing Olympus Has Fallen. Either way, it's an uncool thing to do. If it had been me hacking them, I would have reported that my high school was closed for the week due to a gas main leak, and see if any of the teachers didn't show up the next day.

Unfortunately, Rupert Murdoch doesn't have this excuse, seeing as one of the newspapers in his Galactic Media Empire reported that two teenagers were responsible for the Boston bombings, forcing those teens into hiding. Of course, f**king Crocodile Dundee over there refused to apologize, saying that the images provided were courtesy of the FBI.

What shocks me is that, although the Twitter feed hacking wasn't even REAL, it still made top headlines across all the major news networks-- AND MY BLOG. So somehow, one misleading 140-character line of text is more important than ANYTHING else happening in the world right now. Yeah, that's right: Anything.



So here's what it comes down to: The Vertco Theorem for Divining the Importance of News!!!

10,000 Massacred Congolese = 5,000 Drowning Bangladeshis = 1,000 Slaughtered Iranians = 500 Starving North Koreans = 100 Genocidal Serbians = 50 Car-Bombed Europeans = 10 Car-Bombed Americans = Whatever Hugh Jackman did today.

Depressing, I know, but if you look at the news, it's the inescapable truth. However, on the upside of news today, France has finally legalized gay marriage. So it's just a matter of time before religious ultra right-wing nutballs start killing people THERE.

Bye!

Revolutionaries III: One Egg is Un Oeuf

Yeah, I'm still doing this, settle down. I'm reporting from 1776 to tell you that the people of the past are F**KING DICKS. Remember those Mexicans I picked up on the way to Philly? They tried to kill me, and they took my time machine. So now I'm stuck, with no awesome Chevy Camaro to take me around. I have, however, stowed away on a French ship leaving New Orleans and heading for New York, so it's all good. Now I need to find a way to get BACK TO THE FUTURE!!! Ah... I love typing those words.

Today's school truth: #5: The internet is the root of all evil. It will distract you using everything it's got. True dat.

The French are nice enough people, but they keep thumbing their noses at me and telling other people that their muskets are inferior to theirs. So at the end of the day, nothing's changed for 237 years. 

The Frenchies here do possess some pretty advanced weaponry, however-- their rifles are capable of being dropped to the ground in surrender in 0.06 seconds.

 

The outer thirds of the French flag can be detached in case of emergency surrendering.

Anyway, it looks like the Mexicans will be taking my car to Mexico City, probably to turn it into a low-rider... I'm so screwed. Or they won't know how to put in the gas and have to push it the last 1,000 miles. So maybe I'll have the last laugh.

I'll be able to write soon about my first visit to New York. Until then, I'll have to duck around the ship, faking a French accent and fighting scurvy.

This was a mistake.

Bye!

Mali

Have you ever been so cold that your earbuds freeze while you're walking to school? WELL I HAVE. Apparently, the bay area (and most of California) has been hit by a massive cold front and now everything's frozen. Of course, it would be too much to ask for it to F**KING SNOW... but whatever. I'm not caring.

Not much has gone on this week, unless you live in Mali. And judging by my chart of countries that have read my blog, you don't. So maybe I'll clue you in as to what goes on in the formerly great nation of Mali... in hopes of getting my blog read there. Maybe some great Mali-an will Google their country and try to find out more about it. Because I doubt that even they know anything about Mali. Let's go!

First off, Mali is a landlocked nation, not a communicative disease. Let's get that out of the way. It's a nation in West Africa, the most useless area of land both in Risk and the real world. For thousands of years, the region has lacked arable land, basic resources, and fully-functioning democracy. Kind of like Minnesota, but hot.

In Mali's Golden Age (which many doubt to have ever existed), it was ruled by King Sundiata, or The Lion King of Mali. And no, Disney did not rip them off, it was the other way around. Anyway, Mali was one of three West African kingdoms that traded all its gold off for salt. The people of Mali have never been called 'savvy businessmen'.

Mali eventually became a French colony, thus France's involvement in the current civil war in Mali. One would have thought that it would take way more than MALI to finally get France off their chain-smoking baguette-eating asses and DO SOMETHING... but I guess one would be wrong. Mali is also home to the legendary city of Timbuktu, which was recently declared a World Heritage Site. It took the entire Mali national budget to bribe the WHS officials, a whopping $5.41.

The flag of Mali symbolizes colors.

Anyway, now Mali is engaged in its own Arab Spring. So we'll see how things pan out. And France is being a great help-- they're supplying Mali with massive supplies of croissants, white flags, and stinky cheeses. And Mali-- it's up to you now-- READ MY BLOG!!!

In other news, Clarence Thomas finally said something while on the Supreme Court bench, marking the first time he's spoken since 2006. This undoes my theory that he sold his soul to the devil (George W. Bush), and had to exchange his speech for a seat on the court. But I'll get him on something. His historic statement of "Well-- he did not" will live forever as one of the greatest political quotes of all time. 

Bye!

Got HEEM!

OOPS, WE DID IT AGAIN! Qadaffi was officially gunned down trying to escape fighting in Libya. I actually heard the news this morning, but was unable to comment on it because of my field trip (more on that later).

Qadaffi's convoy was fleeing the town of Sirte when French airstrikes blasted the living hell out of him. He survived and ran around with his bodyguards for a while before being shot in the face.

This also means that, for the first time in the history of the world, France has actually made a difference in a war!!! This is MONUMENTAL! Of course, they didn't actually KILL Qadaffi, they merely halted his escape. It counts, though.

Above: The Official French Flag of War.

This means that Libya's Rebels are finally the fully official government of Libya. After all this s*** went down across the mideast, half a dozen countries have now ousted their leaders, leaving them with literally no government. Which means that it leaves those countries ripe for the picking... heh, heh, heh.

Bye--- oh, and from now on, you are to address me as 'Your High Supreme Exaltedness Emperor of Egyptistan'. Just letting you know.

Plane Trip

So, we're gonna leave in three hours. Expect no more posts for two weeks (but keep checking up to boost my hit count).

This needs to be a very short post, 'cause I still haven't done a s***load of stuff (packing, eating, showering, etc). So, SAYONARA, CAPYBARA! I'm off to steal the Rosetta Stone.

Bye!

I Can't Believe it's not Wiener!

Oh, hello hello, everyone. I haven't blogged for a while because I've been sitting on my butt staring at the computer, but I didn't want to invest the time it takes to write a post. So, here we go-- I hope I won't have to leave in the middle of writing this.

Anthony Wiener, the congressman accused of tweeting his namesake, is still under fire for... hmm... Twienering? Wieneeting? There's no good pun for that, is there?

The sad thing is, I used to be a big fan of Wiener. That didn't sound right. He used to stand up to the Republicans using colorful graphs and language. It's a shame. He's also a good friend of Jon Stewart, who somehow managed to slice his wrist open while doing a bit on his congressman friend. Click HERE to watch the clip.

Let's get off this somewhat disgusting topic and start talking about something much more exciting-- my trip to Europe! On Tuesday, I'm leaving for the mystical land of ridiculous hats and rich figureheads. Now, instead of blogging from Europe (which would be incredibly easy to do), I've decided to be a bit of a turd about this and take the next two weeks off. When I get back, I will publish my exploits to the 'internets'.

See, I'll be keeping an obnoxious travel journal while I'm in England and France, which will not necessarily reflect the actual events that happen while I'm there. For those of you who want the actual account, just use your imaginations.

I know I will.

Bye!

P.S.-- this is my 100th post in 2011!

European-You're 'a Peein'

Five days of school left. This means I've slogged through 175 long, looooooooong days of pure torture/hell. But in many ways, the last few days are the most excruciatingly difficult. Math tests, science tests, spanish tests, english... okay, actually we're watching a movie in english. But that's still three out of four.

As of next Tuesday, we will have exactly one week until we're in Europe. I can't wait. The Euros and Pounds arrived today. They're ridiculous. Here, take a look:

That's monopoly money if I've ever seen it. They look like they were designed by six-year olds as wall hangings for their kindergarten classrooms. They're all glittery and stuff. And what's worse is that we only got twenties! I wanted to 'collect them all!!!'

Oh, and my apologies if I offended anyone reading this blog from an EU country. I did not intend offense when I said your currency looks like something you'd find in the bottom of a cereal box.

Fortunately, no one in this family is a particularly generous spender. We're not coming home with plastic Eiffel Towers or life-size inflatable Elizabeth II dolls. As I said in a post many, many moons ago, it took my parents forever to finally buy a new car. BTW, click HERE to read that post (entitled 'Secondhand').

While we're on the topic of links, check out THIS link. It goes to my friend Ben's website, Shmuff.com, which he actually had to buy. I don't know who the money went to, but I have a feeling-- It's in that big, massive computer database in the sky. And yes, his website is a tad... simplistic. But whatever. It's still pretty cool.

Bye!

YA FIRRRRRED!!!!!

I never thought I'd say this, but I'm fully supporting Donald Trump.

I understand everything now: if Trump wins the Republican nomination, Obama will go through to a second term so easily, it won't even be funny. Actually, it will be pretty funny. Especially when we see John Boehner's face.

Speaking of Boehner's face, notice anything different? Less orange. The orange background he bought must counteract the not-so-subtle spray tan he got while vacationing in Jersey.

BAD MOVIE is coming along nicely, but my friends are clearly not actors. Getting them all together in one place is like herding cats made of jello. Whenever a shot has been taken perfectly, Willp will stand up and yell out 'I AM HE-MAN!!!' And Conner is no better: He swears SO much. It's for class, I keep telling him, but every time, he can't keep it together. Here's an excerpt from BAD MOVIE II.

Me: We have captured you! Prepare for a systematic interrogation routine that will crush your soul and reduce you to a scum-eating worm!!!

Luis: Any good news?

Me: You won't have to go through baggage claim!

Willp: YAAAAY!

On the subject of baggage claim, I'm going to England and France (aka The Fertile Croissant) over the summer, and I have no clue whether to do the full-body scan or the full-body pat-down. Either way, it's probably the only part of the trip I'm going to remember.

Bye!

Bed, Bath, and That's It

'Sup, French people! That's right, this blog has now been read in France! If you are reading this from France right now, I'm coming to your country over the summer for two weeks! Maybe I'll see you there... but you won't know if it's me.

Anyway, back to the boring minutia of every daily event! I got a new bed today (my feet had been hanging out the bottom of the old one), and it took five hours to set up, two more to buy a mattress, and another to find a suitable post for the middle. It's a nice bed, but it's from Ikea (gag). Ikea annoys me. They need to give their products American names. No one wants to buy a 'Ramivak Slakov'.

Ever since I went to Ikea, I've been suffering from something called IISS (Ikea Induced Stress Syndrome). Now whenever I hear the phrase 'Attach the pegs in accordance to fig. 2', I go into fits of projectile vomiting.

Anyway, the bed is finally assembled. I'm sitting here in my room looking at it right now. It's a lot bigger and better than my old one; it's low to the ground and really comfy. Now all I have to do is wait for the mattress to be delivered. If it doesn't come today, I'll end up sleeping in the guest bedroom. Gag.

Bye!