You Are Not Your Blog

So I've been trying my best to get into Game of Thrones ever since everyone on the internet started flipping out about the Red Wedding and how badass Peter Dinklage is, but it's not as easy to just get into a TV show as it looks. First, there's the fact that anything I try to watch after Breaking Bad is going to unfailingly be a disappointment. Seriously... that show has ruined me for television. And also, there's way too many characters in this damn show. And so much shit goes on! There's been a beheading, incest, attempted child murder, sex slavery, nudity, more incest, and another murder so far. The thing is, I've only seen the first episode.

I really shouldn't try to get into these mythical things like Lord of the Rings and Game of Thrones, because I can't fully invest myself in it with the knowledge that somewhere, there is a 45-year-old neckbeard watching exactly the same thing I'm watching while sorting his Magic: The Gathering trading cards. Ugh. It's legitimately unsettling. Still, I'm going to give it a fair shot, because whenever something gains such massive cultural traction as Game of Thrones has, I feel like I should at least check it out. There are two exceptions to this rule: Jersey Shore and Justin Bieber.

Anyway, even I can't stretch out an entire blog post to talk about one episode of a TV show I watched (although a lot of my posts have been based on less... I just wrote one about the Stans, for shit's sake). So let's look at something that actually has some impact (no pun intended) on society at large: GM's legal troubles! Yes, GM has been having some issues with their cars. By "issues," I mean they've been blowing up and killing people. And I think I know why-- some white collar guy at GM decided to stop doing safety checks on the cars, quit his job, and start an underground chain of anarchist cells.



"Take the number of vehicles in the field, A, multiply by the probable rate of failure, B, multiply by the average out-of-court settlement, C. A times B times C equals X. If X is less than the cost of a recall, we don't do one."

Dammit Tyler, people are dying. Anyway, I've always liked GM, because they make the Chevy Camaro, the most badass car in the history of existence. But this is pretty bad. GM borrowed billions of dollars from taxpayers and now those same taxpayers are being blown up by cars made by GM. How ironic! Ha, ha, ha...

Anyway, my dad and I are off to Vegas, Bryce Canyon, and Zion National Park for five days, so I'll be back Wednesday with some more wonderful tales of hiking in 100-degree weather and plane rides. Fun on a bun. Remember-- what happens in Vegas... can really itch.

Bye!

The Wolverine

Sometimes, a summer movie will be great, sometimes it will be good, and sometimes it will be so bad it's entertaining. The Wolverine, unfortunately, fails on all three fronts. Bringing back Hugh Jackman as the iconic superhero, it puts him in Japan and tries to convince the audience of a half-assed re-imagining of Wolverine as a samurai. As cool as Wolverine VS Ninjas sounds, it's not very good onscreen, especially when there are no characters or good dialogue to hold it all up.

Throughout the proceedings, I could think of only one thing: WHY DOES THIS MOVIE EXIST? The answer, as it all too often is, is money. This contributes nothing to X-Men, Wolverine's story, or anything Marvel wanted to do. It is just killing time until the sequels to Spider-Man, Thor, Captain America, and The Avengers. It's a waste of celluloid and, even worse, a waste of my time.

Anyone can throw together a movie about some guy with claws ripping the living shit out of people, but it requires some depth to the characters and some attention to the acting. The Wolverine did neither, as it barreled ever forward like a runaway train. Also, can superhero film writers not think of ANYTHING original for the plot? Yet again, we're treated to the hero losing his powers in some bullshit way, only to be regained at the end of the movie. Spider-Man 2 did it first, and far better.



I give this movie no points for plot, dialogue, characters, or any of the things that I actually value in a film. It has plenty of ludicrous action sequences, but it eventually overloads on them with a ridiculous machine that can strip Wolverine of his powers and some annoying viper-woman in green spandex. I'm sure it sounded awesome on paper, or in an elevator pitch, but that's basically all this movie is-- a dumb idea stretched to two hours.

Jackman is, as always, fully committed to his role, but he is given very little to work with other than "Be gruff, be tough, and kill people." And it's even more disappointing when you realize what a great superhero Wolverine is-- he's mysterious, conflicted, and deep. But unfortunately, none of those qualities seem to have made the transfer to the big screen.

Final Score for The Wolverine: 3/10 stars. Sure, for dumb summer fun, you could do worse, but why settle for such a mediocre film as this? It's boring, redundant, and a total waste of time. It's not as bad as Man of Steal Your Money, but it's not coming close to redeem this already horrible year for movies.

Bye!

The Way, Way Back

After seeing plenty of coming-of-age stories, I was afraid that the genre would get a tad tedious. I was wrong. It seems that no matter how many times the same themes are repeated in these movies, the directors always find something new to bring to the table. The Way Way Back is one of the best films of the year, and is one of the few films that can legitimately bill itself as "You'll laugh, you'll cry." It's quite an experience. 

The Way Way Back is the story of Duncan, a 14-year-old kid with a distant mother who has an abusively mean boyfriend (played by Steve Carell). The opening scene is incredible and hard to watch-- and it really sets the tone for the rest of the film. Carell asks him to rate himself on a scale of one to ten. When he persists, Duncan gives in and says "Six." Carell responds with the most crushing line in comedy history: "I think you're a three." 

I've always been a big fan of Steve Carell (even when he made Dan in Real Life), but I never expected a performance like this from him. He's a very likable person, yet he plays an incredibly detestable character. I don't know what the directors saw in him that made them choose him for the role, but they were clearly right, as he plays the part perfectly. Meanwhile, Allison Janey is introduced as a drunk, nutty neighbor, which adds some welcome lightness to the proceedings. I've only seen her as CJ Craig in The West Wing, so it was nice to see her go from being a cut-and-dried press secretary to a tipsy divorcee cutting loose. 

But the best performance comes from one of my favorite actors, Sam Rockwell. If he hadn't already solidified his standing as a great actor with Moon or Galaxy Quest, he does so with this. He plays the King of the Water Park in the beach community where Duncan is on vacation, and after he sees something in Duncan, he hires him as a water park employee. He is truly the kind of person everyone should aspire to be. Carefree, hilarious, fast-talking, and just fun to be around, he embodies everything that someone taking care of a kid should be. He is the exact opposite of Carell, giving the movie an almost zenlike yin-and-yang feel to it. It perfectly balances the painfully honest moments of Duncan's home life with his hysterical proceedings at the water park. It's an incredible feat. 

The dialogue crackles with intensity as well, Rockwell's specifically. I find it hard to believe that anyone is as good at talking to kids as his character is, but it's certainly fun to watch. He makes up stories off the top of his head and spins ridiculous anecdotes like it comes naturally to him. He's an incredibly fun character to watch, and I can only imagine how fun he was to play. 

Final Score for The Way Way Back: 9/10 stars. It's a great film, but unfortunately, the payoff is somewhat unsatisfying. I wanted Rockwell and Carell to have a showdown of some kind, but really, that's not in the spirit of the movie. If Rockwell had done anything to Carell, he would have been fighting Duncan's battle for him, and that's not what he needed. He needed a moral guide, not someone to step in for him. Really, it's a charming and spectacular movie that I can't imagine anyone not liking. Definitely worth two hours of your time.

Bye!

PacRim

I just saw Pacific Rim with my friend Calvin, and... *sigh*... it was pretty stupid. Seriously, it's dumb as shit. But here we go: Pacific Rim chronicles the efforts of humanity to fight the onslaught of inter-dimensional Godzilla lizards climbing through a trans-universal rift in the Pacific Ocean. Seriously. It's f**king stupid. To combat these creatures (called Kaiju), humanity created Jaegers, enormous robots that feature all the most advanced weapons known to man. Like... a sword. A razor blade. And a fist.

They explain away this ridiculous shit by saying that the Kaiju's skin is impervious to nuclear warheads, missiles, etc... but not a robot punching them. That makes sense. Also, the robots must be piloted by two people. Why can't they just be programmed to fight? Because Plotline. Why can't just one person pilot them? Because Plotline again. How does the neural-link technology exist? You guessed it: PLOTLINE.

So, overlooking the INCREDIBLE lapses in logic... the dialogue is horrible. Absolutely horrific. None of the actors seem even remotely committed to their roles, and it shows. Idris Elba is the one exception, as he can make even the corniest lines seem intimidating. But other than him, the acting is a total dud. Featuring totally inept performances from both of its leads, we've now realized that a good 67% of this movie is crap. So, besides plot and characters/dialogue, what's left?

SPECIAL F**KING EFFECTS. And this had PLENTY of them. This is the kind of movie that appeals to the 10-year-old kid in all of us. It's Transformers fighting Godzilla, and it's pretty epic. Overlooking the fact that this was undoubtedly made just to sell toys... in fact, there's a scene at the beginning where we're treated to the fact that, in seven or so years, the Kaiju and Jaegers are both kid's toys, and little action figures are sold everywhere. Not since the first Transformers movie has this been more evident. "COOL, MOM!"



But even the action sequences are dumb. They last too long, and the WOW factor really decreases after you start to realize that EVERY OTHER COUNTRY'S JAEGER WILL DIE EXCEPT FOR AMERICA'S. Again, because Plotline. Oh, and good job not giving Uzbekistan, Paraguay, or Mozambique a Jaeger, Guillermo del Toro. Real smooth.

At the end, we discover that the Kaiju are all clones of each other (so why do they look different? Because Plotline), and that they're amassing for an all-out assault. Which makes you wonder what they're waiting for. Idris Elba sacrifices himself, because the black guy always has to die in these movies, and the portal is destroyed. Somehow, our two heroes are able to escape back through the interdimensional portal, even though they had just explained that only Kaiju could pass through. They even made a big show of having them grab a Kaiju and hold onto it as they went through the portal, just so they wouldn't get zapped. It's f**king stupid.

And so they eject in escape pods and float to the surface. Why couldn't they and the other pilots have used these escape pods before? Plotline. And then we have the predictable "OH NO THE HERO'S DEAD" sequence, ending when he coughs and sputters and says something witty while helicopters fly in perfect formation overhead. Totally awful.

So, Final Score for Pacific Rim? 4/10 stars. The summer of duds is continuing here. At this point, watch Much Ado About Nothing instead, when you finally get bored with the relentless onslaughts of unnecessary CGI. First Man of Steal Your Money, and now this? Hollywood needs to realize that special effects do not a movie make.

Bye!

TODAY WE CELEBRATE OUR INDEPENDENCE DAY

HEEEY, IT'S THE FOURTH OF JULY! AMERICA! F**K YEAAAAAAAA! Yes, on this historic day, The Declaration of Independence was signed (even though every signature was not collected on July 4th). Still, it's a great holiday. I watched National Treasure to get me in the spirit of American history, and then sat down for Independence Day, Roland Emmerich's greatest film and the greatest disaster movie ever made. For my full list of the best all-American July 4th movies, click HERE.

And it's a good day for America in more ways than one. In fact, it's been a good few weeks. Because the Supreme Court, in one of the most randomly intelligent decisions they have ever made, has overturned DOMA (the Defense of Marriage Act) and allowed for federal recognition of gay marriage for the first time in US history.

I know, I know-- I'm a little late on this one. Frankly, I'm enjoying my summer just a bit too much, and I've been watching movies endlessly into the night. So my usual blogging schedule has been thrown off drastically. I think this happens every summer, though... but who gives a shit. Apparently, I can take any news story and make it about me. So, GAYS CAN GAY MARRY! PRAISE THE LAWD! And now we can finally put to bed this long and utterly pointless conversation so that Republicans can stop delaying the inevitable and get on the right side of history... right?

WRONG. Within minutes of this story being reported, those f**king nuts were at it, screaming at the TV, in the streets, and on their radio shows. But screw them, they're bigoted assholes. This is not a time to cater to the crazy people of the land.



Yep, you would fall quite comfortably in that category, Rush.

Anyway, this is a big step forward for civil rights around the world. In fact, France recently legalized gay marriage as well. Of course, people took to the streets there and essentially 'stormed the Bastille' in hopes of ending la menace gay. But you know what they say. C'est la vie.

In other news, I'm getting ready to go on a trip to Oregon, during which I will visit Crater Lake, lava beds, and an enormous f**king swimming pool. This shall be a much-needed getaway. I've heard it's amazing; as long as you can get your indecisive and religiously cheap dad to decide on where to stay and what to eat while you're up there. Ten bucks says he eats nothing but salmon the entire trip.

Bye!

White House Down

Sometimes, I find that I'm bored with 'cerebral thrillers' and 'thought-provoking sci-fi', so I need to kick back, relax, and watch some really stupid entertainment. And the film I saw today, White House Down, is just that. It plays like Channing Tatum's test run for a Die Hard reboot, which (although slanderous) is certainly not the worst option for the continuation of the series (the worst being keeping Bruce Willis on as a bald old coot).

White House Down stars Tatum and Jamie Foxx of Django Unchained fame. Foxx is surprisingly good as the president, whose name I cannot remember, and will therefore refer to as Barack Obama. I say this because Roland Emmerich (the maestro of destruction who gave us such great films as Independence Day and 2012) clearly cast him because of his resemblance to the current president. And dammit, I wish Obama was really this badass. Sure, he apparently shoots skeet, but does he drive around the White House lawn with a rocket launcher shooting at terrorists?

Sticking to the aforementioned Die Hard formula, Channing Tatum plays John Cale (not John McClane), a rogue cop in the wrong place at the wrong time (still not John McClane) who has to escape a building that's been taken over by terrorists (no, not Alan Rickman) and stop their maniacal hacker (still not Die Hard) by climbing through secret passageways and elevator shafts (seriously, how much shit will this thing steal from Die Hard?). Someone close to him is taken hostage (his daughter, not his wife) and he has to save her from the terrorists who want him dead for killing their compatriots (yeah, it's pretty much Die Hard). Helicopters are sent in to take the terrorists out (again, Die Hard), but they're taken down in an elaborate explosion sequence (hey, what's that other movie that this happens in... oh, right, Die Hard).

Despite blatantly stealing from the greatest action film ever, White House Down is still amazingly fun to watch. It's easily one of the best White House takeover terrorist movies made in 2013. And that's not a joke, does anyone remember Olympus Has Fallen from a few months ago? Yeah, I didn't think so. And as another aside, Emmerich apparently couldn't resist making a little reference to Independence Day in this movie by having a tour guide MENTION THE MOVIE ITSELF! So now he's doing product placement FOR his movies IN his movies! I swear to God...
     

Yeah... so subtle. Seriously, how did Emmerich not get sued? It's Die Hard down to every last detail. Except in this one, the terrorists are all against each other, some want nuclear launch codes, some are white supremacists, and some (spoiler alert) want to become president. But I'll leave that for you to figure out as the movie progresses.

Actually, I won't-- The Speaker of the House is evil in this movie, and planned a coordinated attack in order to kill both the president and the vice-president and assume command. His goal is to prevent Jamie Foxx's Middle East peace process and help his buddies in the military industrial complex get rich off of war profiteering. And no, unfortunately, Dick Cheney turned down the role. Bummer; he wouldn't have even needed to act.

Kidding aside, as much as I get pissed with Republicans, there's an awful lot of right-bashing in this movie. Every terrorist has some ties with a right-wing organization or something. And although that does add some realism to the film, I don't know if now is a good time to piss off our rural Pennsylvania voters who cling to their guns and religion.

Final Score for White House Down? 6/10 stars. It's an enormous rip-off, but it somehow manages to be entertaining nonetheless. An absolute thrill ride with no brain in it whatsoever. Prepare to be amazed.

Bye!

World War Z

This year's movie season has been a bit of a dud, but it's picking up with a few unexpected hits, such as World War Z, one of the best zombie films I've ever seen. That's not really saying much, as the zombie genre is often pretty crappy. The only two notable films in the genre are Zombieland and 28 Days Later. And don't worry, although I liked this movie, this is not going to be a zombie fanboy review, where all I do is yell "OH MY GOD ZOMBIES! WASN'T IT COOL WHEN HE BIT THAT GUY'S HEAD OFF? AND BLOOD WENT EVERYWHERE? THAT WAS SO CLEVER."

So: World War Z is, of course, a zombie movie. But it's far more intelligent fare than you would expect from the genre that gave us the entire Resident Evil franchise. Brad Pitt plays a UN worker who, after securing his family aboard an aircraft carrier, travels the globe searching for a solution to the zombie apocalypse. This is the film's greatest asset, as it mirrors other great adventure films (like, dare I say it, Raiders of the Lost Ark), as Brad Pitt ventures from South Korea to Israel to try and discover the virus's origins-- and hopefully a cure.

Most of the film is taken up with zombies running amok, but the suspense is palpable in the final act, where Pitt must walk through a zombie-infested hallway in order to test his solution to the disease. Joining him on the way is an Israeli soldier who is bitten on the hand, and then gets her hand taken off in an improvised amputation by Pitt himself.



Unfortunately, the poster took a little creative liberty when it mistakenly advertised cat-zombies.

Pitt is good in the lead, and does thoughtful stares out of plane windows well, as always. Unfortunately, his hair is pretty distracting, as it whips around in the wind after a hole is blown in his plane. You would think that someone going into a combat situation would think to take a few inches off of his super-mullet before smacking zombies around, but... apparently not.

Also, there are a few plot holes-- Firstly, in Jerusalem, a woman picks up a bullhorn and starts yelling, which attracts the zombies. But are we really expected to believe that this massive city wasn't generating enough noise already? I can overlook minor things like that, but we're really never told what attracts the zombies, movement, smell, or noise.

In conclusion, World War Z is one of the rarest breeds of Hollywood film-- intelligent trash. Watch this instead of Man of Steel, which is basically just 'trash'. Final score: 6.5/10 stars.

Bye!

Indiana Jones and the Ego Trip of George Lucas

As I may have mentioned before, my hometown, San Anselmo, is the residence of infamous director and Galactic Emperor George Lucas. Recently, he's been putting a lot of his Ewok blood money into building parks and shit around town, and even buried the power lines near his house so he wouldn't have to look at them from his McMansion (codenamed The Death Star by locals). And his latest project was the Imagination Park in downtown San Anselmo, directly across from the Coffee Roasters where I get my iced coffee after bike rides.

Adorning the park are two statues, one of Yoda and one of Indiana Jones. And seeing as Raiders of the Lost Ark is my favorite movie of all time, you can see why I took it upon myself to go see the statue's unveiling today at 5:00. There was a big-ass crowd, and I was disappointed to see that the police didn't wear Stormtrooper uniforms, but it was okay. Here's a pic:
















Yeah, I got pretty close to him. And it was the best thing I have ever done. Because as George f**king Lucas walked past me, I said, not quite audible enough for everyone else to hear, "Raiders of the Lost Ark was the best movie of all time. But aliens don't belong in an Indiana Jones movie." And I swear on my unborn twins (Luke and Leia), the guy half-turned around and said quietly, "I know."

I don't expect anyone else to believe me on this, but it's what happened. George Lucas just admitted that Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was an abomination of cinema. Okay, clearly he didn't say THAT, and he wouldn't use my language to describe it, but it was amazing. Oh, and in case you were wondering (you probably weren't), here's some of my favorite terms to describe Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

• "The anus of cinema"
• "The biggest disappointment of all time"
• "The Antichrist of film"
• "The movie that should not have been"
• "Justifiable homicide"
• "The rape of Indiana Jones"
• "A cinematic abortion gone wrong"
• "A total clusterf**k of aliens and Russians that killed the franchise"
• "Vine-swinging shit"
• "Spielberg's shark-jumping"
• "Spielberg's refrigerator-riding"
• And just simply... "The worst movie since the beginning of time"

If I missed any descriptive terms for this godawful film, send them to GLucas@raybans&plaidshirts.net. I'm sure he'd love to read them. But I guess I shouldn't be too mad at Lucas. After all, the money made from R2-D2 trash cans and Ewok plush dolls pretty much paid for the park.

Bye!

Man of Steel

Wow. I am so f**king pissed right now I can't even see straight. I have a new contender for worst film of the year. And it's Man of f**king Steel. Although A Good Day to Die Hard gets honorable mention still, this one really takes the cake. It was the anus of cinema.

I mostly blame director Zack Snyder, who in the past has directed such masterpieces as 300, Watchmen, and Sucker Punch. If you didn't catch the innate sarcasm in that comment, well, this review won't make much sense to you. The guy knows how to create good visuals, but the stories and character development are consistently ABYSMAL. And Man of Steel is no exception.

Not since Superman IV: The Quest For Peace has the man of steel been so defiled onscreen. Taking a page from Christopher Nolan's Batman trilogy, Snyder gives Superman a dark, brooding persona, as well as an underdeveloped backstory told mostly in flashbacks, and a terrible series of action sequences. The Dark Knight worked perfectly for a hero as rough and gritty as Batman, but Superman... no. Henry Cavill is essentially useless and wooden as Superman himself, which really drags down the entire movie.

Never in my life would I have imagined that I would be so bored by a movie as loud as Man of Steel. It opens with one of the most idiotic and pointless battles ever, between General Zod, the bad guy (and that's all we basically know about him), and Jor-El, Superman's father. Another thing I never thought would happen: Russel Crowe screaming "KRYPTON IS DOOOOOOOMED!!!" Anyway, you know the rest of the story... Superman goes to Earth and meets Lois Lane, played by Amy Adams, who does a tremendous job of running around in high heels and screaming.



The characters do basically nothing in this film, a trait owed to Snyder, who in the past has given us such great dialogue as "Ready your breakfast and eat hearty... for TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL!" There's a good twenty minutes of explosions at the beginning, followed by an hour of what SHOULD have been character development (but wasn't), culminating in a total clusterf**k of final battles at the end which lasted a full hour. Michael Shannon does his best as Zod, but even he can't save Man of Steel from its monotonous and soul-crushing finale.

The plot holes abound in this crappy film. In the first place, Zod is exiled to another dimension, just in time for Krypton to blow up. Because he was exiled, he stays alive. So... why exile him? They KNEW the friggin' planet was going to blow up. Then he finds Superman on Earth and tries to resurrect the dead Kryptonian race, but why did he have to terraform Earth first? It had already been proven that Kryptonians not only could live, but could thrive on Earth. In fact, they gain incredible powers and become Gods. But I guess Zod wasn't interested in that. Absolutely retarded. And for that matter, why not evacuate Krypton? According to Russel Crowe, "Everybody here is already dead." But he got Superman out just f**king fine! What the hell?

And the ending sucks. I cannot repeat that enough. There are about five climactic battles, and it is F**KING ENDLESS. I wanted to just fall into the core of the Earth and die while I was watching it. Just mindless, mindless action. And just when you think it's all done, and Superman is saying something corny to Lois, Zod is back and still alive, ready to keep fighting. So that's another 10 minutes of Superman and Zod slamming into buildings and f**king shit up.

Final Score for this travesty? I'll be generous and give it a whopping 2/10 stars. This was actually worse than Green Lantern, DC's most prominent other recent failure. If the Justice League movie ends up getting made, it will totally suck. DC has now exhausted its three best heroes, and two of their movies stank (Batman being the exception). So who is going to save the franchise now? Wonder Woman? Flash? AQUAMAN? Be realistic.

In short, don't watch this pathetic excuse for a film. Stay home and rent The Dark Knight again. I am so, so, so incredibly disappointed.

Bye!

Star Trek: Into Darkness

Aaaah... I am content. I just saw Star Trek: Into Darkness an hour ago, and the world is good. I've been wary of the 2013 movie season after the abysmal A Good Day to Die Hard, but now... things are looking up.

In fact, if it weren't for the aforementioned travesty, 2013 could be shaping up to be the year of spectacular sequels. Iron Man 3 was great, and there are several more sequels coming out later in the summer (The Hangover Part III, anyone?), but today was a day that will live forever. Because the new Star Trek movie is easily one of the best that the franchise has ever produced.

Paying epic homage to the best Trek film of all time (1982's The Wrath of Khan), Darkness introduces a new villain-- who is later revealed to be the younger version of Ricarado Montalban's Khan from the Original Series. In this film, Khan is once again trying to save the lives of his crew, who have remained frozen in capsules after the Eugenics War. Khan, of course, is a superman who has been genetically engineered to possess enhanced intelligence, strength, stamina, and healing powers.

An evil Starfleet captain finds Khan's pods, and revives only him, in order to orchestrate a war with the Klingons (who no longer look like the heavily makeup-clad humans of old) in order to try out some new fancy weapons. Khan, being the badass he is, had his own plans, and smuggled his crew away using the torpedoes that the captain had him build. Here's where Kirk, Spock, Bones, and the rest of the peeps come in: After several terrorist attacks are staged, they chase Khan to the Klingon homeworld, violating the Neutral Zone (and thereby laying the grounds for war). Unknowingly, Kirk captures Khan, and the two are forced to team up to defeat the evil captain.

As is with any science fiction movie, the visuals often run the risk of overshadowing the plot and characters, a little more so here than in 2009's Star Trek. I think there are about five climactic battles. But fortunately, the witty banter that has made this franchise endure is still there. Uhura and Spock have a few spats, which is fun to watch, seeing as he can't really get pissed off. Scotty resigns his post, but returns to save the day in spectacular fashion. And Kirk gets to live through the EXACT SAME sequence from The Wrath of Khan, but this time it's him behind the glass. I won't get into it, as it would spoil the entire film... but this is really required viewing.



Also, there's an epic tribble cameo in the film, just to appease the die-hard fanboys who would get all butthurt if it didn't make little nods of the head to the Original Series.

Of course, Benedict Cumerbatch isn't quite able to live up to the big shoes left behind by the original Khan, but that's to be expected. The rest of the cast performs admirably, but the finest moments of the movie are when the characters are experiencing their own little interpersonal crises, not battling atop flying forklifts or running around active volcanoes. And yes, there's a healthy amount of lens flare, as always.

So, where does Darkness rank in the Trek filmography? Well, nothing will ever topple Khan from its sacred position as the height of the saga, and it's certainly not as good as Star Trek, the fantastic reboot that, although featuring the same characters as Darkness, was a lot fresher and more exciting. But I would put Darkness in third place easily, perhaps tied with The Voyage Home. F**k The Next Generation, Jean-Luc Picard is a pain in the ass.

And the final score for Into Darkness? 9/10 stars. Sure, I could bitch and moan about how much it screwed with the timeline of the Original Series by killing of not one, not two, but THREE characters who were integral to the storyline. I won't spoil it. Just go see this movie now, before we're bogged down in the inevitable slog of unintelligent shoot-em-up summer blockbusters.

Bye!

Iron Man 3

I couldn't wait for all my friends to get their s**t together, so today I saw Iron Man 3 without them. And before I get into my review, I have to say... this will contain some SERIOUS spoilers. So unless you're in the mood to have one of the best superhero movies ever made ruined for you, I advise that you stay the hell away from this post until you've seen it. Graham Vert

After the semi-disappointing Avengers, I was more than a little worried that another legendary director would let me down. Shane Black, Iron Man 3's director, has worked with Robert Downey Jr. before in one of my favorite comedies, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. And if you haven't seen this masterwork of a film, I suggest you drop everything and go watch it right now. Finish reading my blog post, though. I need the hits. I was also worried about another great film franchise dying a slow and painful death, like the year's first travesty, A Good Day to Die Hard. So I went into the theater understandably apprehensive.

Fortunately, I was not disappointed: Iron Man 3 is friggin' amazing. First off, it gives a little more depth to the basically one-dimensional character of Tony Stark, giving him anxiety attacks after the events of The Avengers. Secondly, the franchise finally had a fantastic villain (not quite up to the standards set by Heath Ledger's Joker) in the form of Ben Kingsley as The Mandarin, an Osama bin Laden-Mummar Qadaffi mix who blows s**t up across the country on a regular basis.

Tony's bodyguard is the victim of one of these bombs, and he puts out a message to The Mandarin, telling him that he isn't afraid. And so The Mandarin blows up his house. It's an incredibly sad scene, as this monumental bachelor pad, the very symbol of superhero-level decadence, is razed to the ground. Stark ends up flying to Tennessee, where he discovers that the bombs aren't bombs-- they're actually failed experiments.



Apparently, someone is giving amputees treatments that will allow them to magically regrow their limbs, but sometimes they 'overheat' and blow the f**king hell up. This is where the plot starts to unravel. Guy Pearce, the villain, has created an army of evil former-cripples... but how did they turn evil? Do we just assume that if an amputee is given new limbs, they will automatically turn evil? It makes not an ounce of sense.

However, I can overlook this, because right after that scene is one of the best moments in all of comic book-filmdom: We meet Ben Kingsley's character in real life, and he's actually a British crack-smoking hooker-hiring actor who's been cooped up in a mansion for months. He's being used to play The Mandarin during broadcasts, and the bombs are just people overheating and Guy Pearce explaining them away as terrorist attacks.

In the final scenes, Stark saves the president from being killed (and stops Guy Pearce from installing the vice-president as a puppet leader), and Pepper Potts gets the limb-regrowing treatment. So instead of just sitting around like she did in The Avengers, she gets to kill Guy Pearce by blowing him up with a .50 caliber shell. Ben Kingsley and the VP are arrested, and everyone goes home happy.

So, what did I think? Well, as always, I loved RDJ as Tony Stark, and Ben Kingsley as The Mandarin sure as hell didn't hurt anything. Unfortunately, it did get a little too action-y (if that were possible). What's great about the Iron Man series is that it centers more around the characters than the explosions. But the final battle in this one was almost... dare I say it... reminiscent of Transformers. Still, the cast is great, it's funny, it's witty, and you shouldn't listen to the fanboys complaining about how it "Doesn't adhere to the comics." Nobody gives a flying f**k.

Final score for Iron Man 3? 8.5/10 stars. It's actually better than the second one, and the first really worthwhile blockbuster of the year. But that all will change with Star Trek: Into Darkness in two weeks. CAN'T F**KIN' WAIT!!!

And as an aside, yesterday marked the four-year anniversary of G-Force Productions, and the initiation date of this blog. Ironically, it also lands on National Star Wars Day (as in, 'May the fourth be with you').

Bye!