Six Degrees of Osamanation

Here's something odd: Osama bin Laden's death was the same date as Hitler's death. Very weird. Fun fact: My friend Ben was born on the same day as Hitler. So was Muhammed. So Ben's either going to grow up killing millions or beginning a religion. Probably why our class voted him 'Most likely to be seen in the news some day'.

Ever since this whole thing went down, hell has frozen over. Cheney even congratulated Obama on getting him. But fortunately, we have a new group of people called the 'Deathers' to remind us that we're not dreaming.

These people believe we didn't actually get Osama. Hmm. At least the Deathers took the limelight away from the Birthers, who took the limelight away from the Conspiracy Theorists (CASTRO KILLED KENNEDY! YAAAAH!!!).

Speaking of birth certificates, Obama released his. Cool. In a three day period, all he had to do was say 'Here's my birth certificate. Here's Bin Laden. Screw you, Republicans'. Epic.

But still, nothing will satisfy Trump. And this from the guy with the biggest right to be satisfied in America. His own TV show, mansions, cars, trophy wives. This guy is, as he would say, HUGE! MASSIVE! FANTASTIC! INCREDIBLE! BIG! IT'S UNBELIEVABLE! ME!!!

It's unbelievable, all right.

Bye!

TRIUMPH!

I am calm. I will remain calm. All we did was kill Osama Bin Laden once and for all... FREEDOM! No-- I am calm. I am in complete control of myself. I don't need to UNCORK THE CHAMPAGNE!!! over this. No. There's no point.

I mean, now we're even more susceptible to a terrorist attack. Somewhere out there, some guy in a turban holding an AK-47 is yelling 'No! Our great leader! You shall regret this, infidels!' Amazing. I never figured that killing Osama would cause that much of a problem.

Now, here's something else to think about: Obama's political career is completely salvaged. It took Bush eight years to fail. Obama has done it in three. This should shut the Republicans up, especially Donald Trump.

Speaking of which, click HERE to see the hysterical video of Obama at the White House Correspondents Dinner. Also, you can go to the sidebar and look at Seth Meyers ripping on The Donald. It's funny, 'cause Donald keeps a straight face the whole time. He is physically incapable of laughing at himself. It's a shame-- if he actually does run for president, he'll have to get used to it.

It's a good thing Obama was able to maintain his cool through all this, 'cause I'M SURE NOT!!!

BYE!!!

<< A somewhat controversial new ad by Geico.

Attack of the Donald

Well, it's finally happened. Obama released his birth certificate two days ago, and now we in the news have a problem:

THERE'S NOTHING ELSE TO TALK ABOUT!!! AAAAAAAAGH!!!

Fortunately, Donald Trump came to our rescue with his ridiculous speech and black helicopter emblazoned with the Trump name. I guess he had it put there so he wouldn't keep forgetting it. In the interview, The Donald was able to deflect difficult questions like a pro. They bounced off of him like bullets off of Superman!

I'm such a nerd.

Anyway, Trump isn't finished by far. He has now declared a search for Obama's college papers. I don't think these people will stop until they uncover his sixth grade report cards. It's all part of Trump's plan to transform this country and change the White House into...

The Trump House and Casino resort. Yeah, that's right.

Am I the only one who finds Trump revolting? Not only has he slapped his name on everything from Atlantic City Casinos to collectable shot glasses, he's found a way to get free publicity out for the Trump name: run for president. The press HAS to cover him, because A) He's a celebrity, and B) He's running for the highest office in the country. And the more publicity he gets, the bigger the Trump brand/name/collectable shot glass market gets, and the more money gets delivered to whatever creatures that are living in his hair via pneumatic tube.

It's a vicious circle. And seeing that I, while on the very edge of relevance, am part of the press, I am bound by the secret media code of conduct to report on Trump. So here's my report: He is an unqualified, vulgar, over excessive human parasite who feeds off of media coverage and camera attention and uses his former glory as an obscenely rich a**hole and his TV show to work his name into every aspect of American life.

But that's just my opinion.

Bye!

YA FIRRRRRED!!!!!

I never thought I'd say this, but I'm fully supporting Donald Trump.

I understand everything now: if Trump wins the Republican nomination, Obama will go through to a second term so easily, it won't even be funny. Actually, it will be pretty funny. Especially when we see John Boehner's face.

Speaking of Boehner's face, notice anything different? Less orange. The orange background he bought must counteract the not-so-subtle spray tan he got while vacationing in Jersey.

BAD MOVIE is coming along nicely, but my friends are clearly not actors. Getting them all together in one place is like herding cats made of jello. Whenever a shot has been taken perfectly, Willp will stand up and yell out 'I AM HE-MAN!!!' And Conner is no better: He swears SO much. It's for class, I keep telling him, but every time, he can't keep it together. Here's an excerpt from BAD MOVIE II.

Me: We have captured you! Prepare for a systematic interrogation routine that will crush your soul and reduce you to a scum-eating worm!!!

Luis: Any good news?

Me: You won't have to go through baggage claim!

Willp: YAAAAY!

On the subject of baggage claim, I'm going to England and France (aka The Fertile Croissant) over the summer, and I have no clue whether to do the full-body scan or the full-body pat-down. Either way, it's probably the only part of the trip I'm going to remember.

Bye!

I'm So Angry, I Can't Even Come up With a Bad Pun

I have an official list of everything that's pissing me off. I would now like to vent it on the internet in reader-friendly paragraph form!

#1) There's a county in California called Orange County, which is even more conservative than Arizona. An officer of the GOP there (Marilyn Davenport) recently sent out a photoshopped picture of a family of chimps, with Obama's face on the baby. The picture had the caption 'Now we know why there's no birth certificate'. Oh, my god. This person is, by far, the dumbest person on the face of the Earth. Tea Partiers have the minds of underdeveloped six-year-olds who have been exposed to some sort of cranium-eating parasite. And I'm sorry for those of you with cranium-eating parasites attached to your heads. I was not trying to make light of your situation.

Anyhow, the most disgusting thing about this may be that this person wasn't fired immediately. Shows you the kind of thinking we're dealing with here, folks.

#2) Donald Trump has apparently dispatched some 'Private Investigators' to Hawaii to hunt down Obama's birth certificate. Trump released HIS birth certificate (for no apparent reason) to the press. Here is my belief: His hair is a cranium-eating parasite that has latched itself onto his head, and is now sucking out his grey matter.

#3) Some douchebag brought a BB gun to the gym locker room, so now we have to have the strange, gangly PE teacher watch us while we change. WONDERFUL. By the way, this guy is definitely on my list of least favorite people. He's a turd.

#4) My parents continue to ignore facts and not buy me an X-Box 360. And who agrees with them? Not anyone I know and most certainly not anyone I should trust. One of these guys is the 'Vice-Director of the Institute for Better Parenting'. WTF is that? Anything that has the words 'better parenting' in it can immediately be written off as something incredibly stupid.

Here's how technologically un-advanced my parents are: They have never had cable, they hardly know how to work an iPod, they can't tell the difference between an iPad and a Nook, they have never had a video game in their house, and now, because of the digital changeover, they don't even get TV reception. I think it's because their generation has never been able to keep up with technology. They say it's THEIR parents' generation that can't keep up, but that's not what Grandpa said on his podcast.

#5) On a less-aggrevating scale, Britain apparently considers itself to not be part of Europe. I just found that out. If that's not dumb, I don't know what is.

Bye!

<< I am very angry...