Beck Forever After

Everyone, I'm glad you could come here today.

I'm glad you could join me... and unite against the menace that is without and within us.

Today, I will pummel your mind with the truth. I will knock you senseless. I will say things that will make you wonder how I feed myself. Prepare yourself, America.

Now, I've been doing some thinking. No, not the left-wing style of 'thinking'. I mean actual, down-to-Earth thinking. I've been reading some books, the age of which is signified by the dust I've so meticulously spread across them to make them look old. And I've come to a conclusion.

America is dying.

Follow me to the CONSPIRATRON 3000!!!

The truth is that, in the end, communists are trying to steal your cable news network from you, pundit by pundit. Are you going to let that happen? I sure hope not. Now, take a moment and look at what I've created here. We have what appears to be a somewhat steady flow of money, but between pure evil sects that want to eat you alive in front of your children.

Now, I didn't have enough room on my whiteboard to fill in some other connections, such as Al-Qaeda or the voices in your head. But I could get my point across using this small, erasable medium.

FOX is under attack. Not just by leftist marxist pundits of evil, but by much more sinister things, such as Bigfoot, or the monolith from 2001: A Space Odyssey. We have a serious problem. Now, I know right now you're thinking 'Graham, this is STUPID! Aliens can't influence our radio and television stations and subliminally control our minds!' Well, I never said I thought that was the case. I said I KNEW that was the case. Thinking implies uncertainty.

Now, I now this all sounds crazy. But ask yourself: Why is it that I'm the only one asking these questions? Interesting.

Now, ask yourself this too: How can Bigfoot and aliens control our brains? Using thought patterns that your so-called 'scientists' and 'researchers' and 'PHDs who studied for years to know all there is to know about the subject at hand' can't quantify.

I say again: We are under assault.

Will you let it happen?

Fear There and Everywhere

Well, disaster has narrowly been averted. At 11:00, one hour before the deadline, congress passed a budget plan. This means my secession has to be postponed even further. What a shame. I was really looking forward to being sovereign ruler of Marinistan.

Off in Ivory Coast (or, if you're a snob, Cote D'ivoire), the small country has officially joined the Unstable African Nation Club, along with every single other country in Africa besides Madagascar. I'm told that Namibia has already sent Ivory Coast a welcoming gift basket filled with AK-47s.

Anyway, the civil war seems to be winding down, as self-declared president for life (which may not last long) Laurent Gbagbo has been arrested in his house by forces loyal to Alassane Ouattara. In the process of the war, thousands of people died. Hee, hee. See, it's funny, 'cause it's human suffering.

Meanwhile in Japan, nuclear waste keeps leaking out/heating up the ocean. As I've said before, this could result in the rise of Godzilla. But, on the brighter side, Japanese officials were able to rescue a dog on a roof. So there's a silver lining.

But, fortunately, we have something to take us all away from that. It's called Glenn Beck leaving FOX 'News'. Last night Jon Stewart totally gave Beck an ass-kicking in his incredible Beck impersonation. Click HERE to visit The Daily Show's website and watch what may be the funniest thing ever.

Bye!

A Complete Train Beck

I have possibly the best news ever.

Glenn Beck is officially leaving his post as pundit-in-chief at FOX 'News'.

Apparently, FOX was going to fire Beck anyway, but he decided to just quit instead. Unfortunately, this means he has more free time to write books and be a dickhead. Which is why I'm starting the 'Find a job for Beckie' fund, which finds a fake job for Glenn to eat up his time. The only problem is that, after a while, he'll start to wonder where all the cameras are.

Everyone, the crisis in Japan isn't getting any better. The Japanese government recently was forced to dump tons of radioactive water into the Pacific Ocean. Here's a list of crap we have in our oceans now:

1) 1,000--- no, 12,000--- no, 40,000---no, 165,000 barrels of oil.

2) A trash heap the size of Texas.

3) Pieces of ice caps the size of Rhode Island which broke off due to global warming.

4) Sunken galleons, messages in bottles.

5) And now, a few hundred gallons of radioactive seawater. Oops. Well, it doesn't look like this could get any worse. Or, it didn't, until I heard about the new North Korean plan to nuke the Indian Ocean.

Moving on to less heartening stories (that's called foreshadowing), the government of the US is 'shutting down' tomorrow. Interesting. Apparently, congress was unable to pass a budget, and now we have no money-spending guidelines. Which means that a small secession by Marin County might go somewhat unnoticed.

Interesting...

I said I'd put this off. I just didn't say how long.

Bye!

<< The new nation of Marinistan

Talking About You Behind Your Beck

I have heard the most amazing news of all history. Bigger than the Eagle landing on the moon. Bigger than capturing Bigfoot. Bigger than Obama being elected. Bigger than the iPad 2. No. This is incredible.

Glenn Beck may be out of a job.

Now, you all know my opinion already. So in the interest of bipartisanship here at G-Force, I'll let this particular story be covered by our 'good' 'friend', Bob Selkowitz. It's time for THE DOUCHEBAG REPORT with our only Republican correspondent. But first, the classic initial disclaimer.

The following rabid right-wing rant is in no way sponsored or encouraged by any liberal at G-force. Democratic viewer discretion is advised. If you experience explosive kidneys, reticulated metacarpels, or even loss of life due to this segment, contact your doctor, as THE DOUCHEBAG REPORT may not be right for you.

Friends, we now must face the greatest challenge that we can as Republicans. Our greatest ally, Glenn Beck, is up for a contract renewal with FOX 'News' in December, and already FOX is hinting that they won't bring Glenn back. Sure, he's lost FOX nearly 300 sponsors. In his defense, he can easily plead insanity. And sure, he's lost 1/3rd of his viewership. But does this really matter? He is beloved by a wide range of people, from Republican white male Texans to Republican white male Kentuckians. Republican white male congressmen from all over the south think Glenn is great. So why the problem?

Okay, maybe it was the constant utterances of Obama being a Muslim. Or the overused blackboard. Or the ever-growing amount of books that he's written that are piling up on my shelf. I'd read them, but as a Republican, I don't care too much for books.

Yeah, okay. I'm gonna stop Bob right there. He's not exactly making a very convincing argument. Then again, it's not really possible to. Even the world champion college debate team couldn't win this argument.

Bye!

Stabbed in the Beck

I was watching The Daily Show the other day and I saw an incredibly funny clip of Glenn Beck being a moron. He stood up, talking about Obama's Asian trip, when he started spouting off all these made-up numbers, for instance "He'll have an entourage of 3,000, and the trip will cost 2 billion dollars". Smart. Really. He then said "Are these figures correct? I don't know". The White House then corrected him in a press conference.

I was sick yesterday on my birthday (sniffle) after I puked all over the place. 'Nuff said. Anyway, I got to sit in bed, delirious and seeing purple elephants everywhere while I watched old Seinfeld episodes off my computer. For the presents, I scored $190 in all, plus a new watch, three Doonesbury books, a Barnes and Noble gift card, and a clock radio with CD and iPod capabilities. I correctly guessed every single one of them. My parents thought I was either psychic or I had peeked.

I'm just psychic.

Bye!

Higher Education (or in my case, the Seventh Grade)

Hello, people! You may have noticed that I no longer refer to you as random people who stumbled across this blog while surfing the web, and that's because YOU NO LONGER ARE! I HAVE FOUR FOLLOWERS!!!!!! Speaking of which, I need you to start leaving comments. I'M SO LONELY!!!

Sniff.

Anyway, I'm having a bad week, and it's only Monday. My annoying teachers have assigned homework that consists of drawing all the continents freehand. Big whoop. Just to show them up, I grabbed a piece of paper and drew all the continents, borders, countries, lakes, etc, etc, etc.

Have we really reached this point in time? Some people in my class don't know where Iraq is. I'm not saying everyone is like this, but is our actual expectation to have us know what shape AFRICA is in by the SEVENTH GRADE???? It shouldn't be. There are ADULTS who don't know were Iraq is. How can you be so entirely out of it? It's impossible. Or, at least, it should be.

There's a foundation in Colorado or someplace whose goal is to get kids reading by the third grade. OH MY GOD. This is SAD. If you can't read by the third grade, really, seek help. I was reading before I even started kindergarden. Wait... I didn't even go to preschool. I was homeschooled. Does this mean that a school in Colorado has lower expectations than a homeschooling?

It gets worse. A Texas school board has voted to keep Thomas Jefferson out of their textbooks. And because there is such a high demand for books in Texas, the company who is making those books is basing an entire regional shipment of books on that vote. Oh, yay. Now here in California, I'm gonna get books with a footnote that says "Tough luck, Tommy! Guess you should'a spent less time writing the Declaration and more time being truly American. 'Cause the Texas school board thinks you're a COMMIE!"

Oh, there goes my blood pressure beeper. Time to change topics.

It needs to be said, so I'll say it right now: Glenn Beck is an incredible asshole. I swear, it must take some sort of mental incapacitation to be as insanely stupid as he is. He thinks that we will truly believe that HIS speech on the Lincoln Memorial steps was not intended to be set on the exact date and location of MLK's IHADS (or Martin Luther King's "I have a dream" speech). He went on FOX the other day and said that he had no idea that he had randomly picked out of a hat those exact co-ordinates. SON OF A ****!!!!! Does he think all of America is as insanely demented as his followers? Maybe he does. Maybe we are. BUT I'M NOT!!! As far as I'm concerned, Beckie can go to hell.

There's the beeper again. I don't think that helped.

So, in conclusion, I am completely PO'd at everything and everyone around me.

Have a nice day!

Bend it Like Beck

Hello, and Sherfaneranerfanerf, loyal (but unenthusiastic) followers! I got bored making Funny Times cartoons for a while, so I decided to make this blog. Today's blog will be mostly about my favorite pastime, MAKING REPUBLICANS LOOK LIKE THE MORONS THEY ARE!!!

Aaaahhh, how I hate them.

We begin today with TOPIC OF INTEREST, which is Glenn Beck. Becky has been around for too long, and I think it's time that I slammed him again. Here's a list of things I hate Glenn Beck for:

The title of his book, ARGUING WITH IDIOTS. Excuse me? If anyone's an idiot, it's Glenn Beck (see the next grievance I have with him).

His comment that "Obama has a deep-seated hatred of white people". Oy vey. Do I really need to make a comment on that? I hope not.

IMPORTANT NOTE: If there is a Republican reading this, do not think for a MOMENT that 'Oh, it's just another dumb drooling Keith Olbermann loving Democrat." Incredibly not true. Self-righteous snobby left-wing assholes are JUST AS ANNOYING as self-righteous snobby right-wing assholes (hence, the reason I don't watch Keith Olbermann).

Back to Glenny: He said that Obama's supreme court nominee, Sonya Sotomayor, was also racist. Have the Republicans really sunk so low that when they see a Democrat who's also, say, Hispanic, they would say "Oh, he/she MUST be racist". The same goes for the 'Obama hates white people' comment.

He always seems to work a "Progressives=Socialists" joke into any sentence he says. Also, his blackboard has gotten more annoying than his actual opinions. He recently went all-out at a tea party convention, where he pulled out his famous blackboard and proceeded to draw a diagram of America's choices (which, if I remember correctly, were 'Revolution' or 'Evolution'). People who feel intellectually stimulated by an idiot doodling on a rolling blackboard have roughly the IQ of a fried eggplant.

But let's make room for a new feature I'm calling 'It wasn't all bad'. It's where I give you the silver lining of an otherwise crappy week. Here's today's:

This weekend is a three-day weekend, except the teachers have to work on Monday! So IN YOUR FACE, TEACHERS! You have to go to the stinkin' cesspool that is White Hill Middle School while I stay home and play video games, have sleepovers, and go on hikes!

Bye!

The Washington Tea Party

HIBACHI SHMUFF!!!! Hello, people who are wasting their time reading someone else's blog!!! Well, it must be Christmastime, because the presents are just pilin' up under the tree. I mean, the house plant. Okay, the greenish couch. FINE! The greenish footstool.

My ANNUAL CHRISTMAS COUNTDOWN indicates that we have only four days until I open my first present on CHRISTMAS EVE, and only five days until CHRISTMAS!!!!! You have no idea what a pain it is to color all those letters.

Today's pearl of anti-wisdom is: What you see is what you get---- so why is it that when I went to the store, the guy stopped me from taking all the Star Wars figures?

Today's TOPIC OF INTEREST is GLOBAL WARMING! Cue ominous music. Everyone, I know I've used this before as a TOPIC OF INTEREST. But so much was left unsaid! Which is why I'm introducing the IT'S THAT TOPIC OF INTEREST AGAIN feature. Any time that I feel more needs to be said, I'll just add it on in this. Unless, of course, I need to say even MORE, in which case I'll use a I'M USING THAT TOPIC OF INTEREST AGAIN AND YOU CAN'T DO A THING ABOUT IT, SUCKER!

Anyway, my point is that: I am only 12 years old, and I've already listened to both sides of the opinion and divined that one is wrong. Hint: It's the one Glenn Beck likes. Anyway, I don't see how long it takes for a couple world leader shmuffs to sign a piece of paper that says 'I'll help save the planet no matter what that idiot Sarah Palin says'. But it seems that I'm a genius, because not only do other kids not voice their political opinions (they just say, 'Uhhh.... doy. That can't affect me. Huh huh huh.'), but not a single climate change meeting seems to be doing anything to help the environment! Which is why I think we need to make GLOBAL WARMING BOOKS FOR KIDS.... and it's the subject of today's MASTER PLAN.

Just pretend I have a cool graphic of me in a detective outfit for that one, okay? Anyway, first off, we make global warming something little kids will care about, such as 'An Inconvenient Truffula', the sequel to 'The Lorax'. In this, Al Gore pops out of the stump that the Lorax once lived in, and whacks the Once-ler (played by George Bush) over the head. Anyway; then we will have a massive amount of kids who understand what global warming is, how it was caused, and how we can stop it. That's my MASTER PLAN.

And yet, we have not done this, even though everything is going the liberal way. We have another congressional majority (that we never use), the conservative 'future' is a whackjob with an insatiable thirst for slaughtering moose, we have a massive amount of support, seeing as our predecessor was a moron who screwed up the environment beyond belief. And we have

the first black president who has major international support. So why, why, why, why, WHY have we not done something? Why?

Aaaaaaaahhhh, yes, the tea party protesters. It's amazing how much of an impact a bunch of... rabidly conservative mentally unstable idiots can have.

I'll blog you soon.

The Piggy Virus---- WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?!?!?

It's the end of the world as we know it. I have recently discovered that somewhere in Houston, Texas, there is a Starbucks... across the street from a Starbucks. My hell. Caffeine addict's heaven.

I must say, I am officially declaring that humans are insane. There is no other way to put it. If it weren't for the little sane facts, such as gravity, The Terminator, and how The Clone Wars is coming back in season 2 on October 2nd (huzzzaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!), then the universe would probably implode in on itself because of human insanity. We all need help.

Today's pearl of anti-wisdom is: If a president speaks, and no one listens, why does Glenn Beck still get ticked off?

Our TOPIC OF INTEREST today: THE FLU. Everyone and their mother is freaking the heck out over the cold and flu season this year, mainly because of the swine flu.

KILLER HOG

HE WILL KILL US ALL!!!! But for those of you who ARE seriously worried about the swine flu, here's a bunch of things that can occupy your worry time instead:

- Iraq/Afghanistan

- Glenn Beck

- Cancer

- Smoking

- Nuclear War

- The Stupid Virus

I hope this puts everything in perspective. See ya later!