Ich Bin Ein Zombie IV: Just Zom-be Yourself

Everyone, I'm dead. I thought I might as well just come out and say that. I killed myself and had a friend of mine revive me as a zombie so that no zombies would try to destroy me on my quest for Genghis Khan's tomb (see the past Ich Bein Ein Zombie posts for the full story).

Anyway, it's time to continue the epic tale of...

ICH BIN EIN ZOMBIE!!!

I landed my stolen plane in Uzbekistan, where I met with some locals who hadn't been infected by the zombie curse yet. Apparently, they had passed down the location of Khan's tomb down through generations, and were just waiting for someone like me to come along.

I marched into the hills of Uzbekistan with my trusty sherpa brigade, bringing with me food, water, and an extremely detailed map of the entire region. After around three days, we began encountering zombies, but being a zombie myself, I was able to send them away.

I'm currently sitting in a cave in the mountains. I'm told the temperature is roughly -20 degrees fahrenheit (zombies can't feel temperature), and everyone around me is huddled in their blankets. Maybe, just maybe I can undo this.

Tune in soon for the shocking conclusion to Ich Bin Ein Zombie!!!

Bye!

Ich Bin Ein Zombie III: Nuclear Winter Olympics

Here's an update on my mission to find Genghis Khan's body and end the plague of undead monsters currently roaming across California.

I stole Donald Trump's private jet and flew to Uzbekistan (I fortunately have a lot of piloting experience). Now, I don't know if I said this before, but I am the world's greatest treasure hunter. I figure out the locations of ancient tombs and 'Missing Niles' using my extensive knowledge of the massive egos of dead dictators/tyrants. In this case, I thought of what we know about Genghis Khan: He was a brutal, head-removing murderer and a tactical military genius. So, right there, we can rule out Mongolia. He would never put something as secretive and important as his tomb in such an obvious place.

Now, at the peak of the Mongol Empire, Uzbekistan was included in Khan's territories. A battle in present-day Uzbekistan was fought, and later called 'Khan's greatest victory'. It is my belief that his tomb resides in the mountainous regions around Uzbekistan. But unfortunately, the city he conquered has been lost to the ages. No one knows where it is.

Except me.

Using the sound principles of wealth and power, I located Khan's tomb. The only problem is getting there. I'm writing this post from a laptop on the plane, which I put on autopilot. Right now, I'm just over Lebanon. I should reach Uzbekistan soon enough. The only problem is: Can Khan's lost tomb undo the effects of Japan's nuclear reactor and the plague of zombies across America? I think there are some secrets in that tomb that will shock and amaze every person on the planet, if they aren't zombies.

If there is any zombie resistance out there: Be strong.

And now it's time for a copyrighted Vertco® post-script!

Above are instructions on building your own personal nuclear reactor. You can use it to power your entire house! Just be warned: if it goes meltdown, your dog may grow nine extra heads. If this occurs, bury the radioactive material in your neighbor's backyard. Don't worry, it should be safe in roughly 10,000 years.

Bye!

The Wrath of Genghis Khan

Everyone, I don't usually find History class particularly interesting, but today something caught my attention: mi clase de espanol es muy aburrido!

NO ONE KNOWS WHERE GENGHIS KHAN IS BURIED! DUH, DUH, DUUUUUH!

So, I did some reading, and found out that when Khan was buried, soldiers killed everyone they saw in range of the funeral procession. They then killed everyone who attended the funeral, and when they returned from the mountains where he was buried, OTHER soldiers killed THEM! But it is my belief that one person survived the massacre and passed down the information of the tomb's location through the generations! DUH, DUH, DUUUUUUH!

Which is why I'm on a hunt for Khan's tomb. The tomb, if found, will contain treasures from the three continents he conquered and plundered. It will also be the find of the century. And, using my powers of deductive reasoning, and using the sound factors of greed and evil that were so popular back then, I have deduced the location of the tomb! But I'm not telling YOU; you might use this information to get there first and claim the find for yourself. But, then again, it's no fun if there's NO competition.

Hint: It's not in Mongolia.

But this is not all. Khan also pillaged some of Africa, even though it wasn't ever included into the Mongol Empire. Now, the easiest way to get into Africa is through the Siani Penninsula. And what country does that cross into?

Why, Egypt, of course. And what might Genghis have stolen from this ancient nation? Why, only the most sought-after artifact of all time!

KING TUT'S PENIS!

Join me next time when I further unravel the mysteries...

No. No. I can't do it. Someone stop me! GOD!

Bye!

P.S.-- A 10,842nd-generation Khan later starred in the second Star Trek movie (which really was the best of them all).

P.P.S-- Happy Saint Patrick's Day! I planned this out a month in advance; I had the orthodontist put green bands on my braces in February!