The Royal Wedding

(Tip: for maximum enjoyment of this post, read out loud in stuffy British accent).

Well, It's time. The planets have aligned and the sun is calm, and I played tetris.

I got a whopping 163,496 points.

Now, I'm not going to have a spaz about this. I'm going to be very, very calm. Like the sun. I'm not going to panic. Even though this might be a new world record. Don't panic. Don't panic! DON'T PANIC! NOBODY PANIC!!!!!!!

Anyway, here's a tidbit of information you might be interested in: There's a Royal Wedding on, chap! And as you all know, we Americans have a long and proud tradition of loving British royalty.

Well, all the reporters of the west are flocking to London, where they're apparently 'guests of honor' or something. Which leaves only two disgruntled reporters here in America: Me and Stephen Colbert, who planned his trip very carefully only to not receive an invitation. So, in the interest of not being excluded, I have a plan.

I'm crashing the royal wedding.

Yeah, I know. Sounds crazy doesn't it? But it's time for G-FORCE UK, CHUCK! I'll visit Big Ben, make funny faces at the palace guards, and treat myself to breakfasts of tea and scrambled faberge eggs. I'll actually be going to England and France in the summer, but I guess I'll have to visit a little early. And Stephen? It's okay to tag along if you want.

Goodbye, I say!

Unfortunately

I just had the funniest conversation with a telemarketer:

Me: Yello!

TM: Hi, I'm calling on behalf of the Foundation for Socialist Leopards. Is a Mr. Panucci there?

Me: Oh, um... Mr. Panucci isn't with us anymore.

TM: Really?

Me: Yep. He died. Last week. Got hit by a blimp.

TM: Oh. Well, the FSL sends its complete condolences. You've suffered a terrible loss.

Me: No, actually, we're pretty happy about it. (hangs up).

At this point I was laughing hysterically.

Oh, and there is no such thing as the FSL. I made it up for the purpose of this blog, since I couldn't remember the actual foundation he was representing.

I turned in the freakiest story ever. We were supposed to write and illustrate a little kid's story using the words 'fortunately' and 'unfortunately'. IE, Fortunately, we got to go to the zoo! Unfortunately, the car broke down.

In mine, a guy named Diego Tutweiller (who in the illustrations looks a lot like me) joins the CIA and goes on a mission to a remote country called the Republic of Turdistan.

Then aliens invade and destroy the entire planet.

Oh, and if you think you're better than me at Tetris, let me ask you this:

Have you gotten 16,299 points at it? 'Cause I have. And it was FUUUUUN.

Eat it, kid.

BYE!!!

Tetris

I had the greatest idea.

A movie about construction workers whose job is to place colored blocks in certain formations.

Tetris: The Movie. You know who would make an incredibly convincing upright block? Keanu Reeves. It's the role he was born to play.

OOOOOHHHH... falling purple squares...

That's the interesting thing about video games. Back in the eighties, video games had no point. It was just PLAY PLAY PLAY until you ran out of lives. Tetris, Pacman, Frogger--- they were all unbeatable. The only way to 'win' was to get onto the high scores. Nowadays, we have games like Call of Duty and Halo that, though they last for hours and hours, end definitively. Maybe my generation demands more rewards for our effort, instead of having the name "Cheese Taco" representing you on slot 84 on the Pong game at Mario's Pizzeria.

I don't know what's wrong with us.

Bye!