New Crap III

Well, it's that time of year again... when I start screwing around with my blog's layout. Yes, yet again I have altered the title of my blog. This time, I included three characters from three respective stories I've been working on, Hysteria, California, and The Bloodstained Lion. From left to right, the characters are Lou Phoenix, Nate California, and Bloodstain Joe. I know... this makes literally no sense to those of you who stumbled across this blog randomly. Actually, it probably doesn't make any sense even to those of you who do, because I haven't told anyone about this shit. So here's the rundown of my new title, if you care.

Lou Phoenix is the main character in Hysteria, a black comedy about high school. He has a heart problem (you can see the heart monitor in his hand) and an increasingly bad life, but maintains his positive outlook on things. As you may have guessed, a lot of hilarious moments from Drake High School have made it into this story. Eventually, Lou starts a movement called Phoenix Rising to overthrow his school... but no spoilers.

Nate California is the main character in California (no shit). He's an Iraq war veteran who has the uncanny ability to switch off his moral compass at the snap of a finger, a skill he gained from witnessing the horrors of war, as well as a terrible experience in the desert that he refuses to talk about. After returning home, he uncovers a sinister plot in the government that no one, not even his most trusted friend Alex believes. The story is told from Alex's point of view after the fact, just to make it seem more like a fable than an actual event. Also, lots of boom booms happen.

Bloodstain Joe is the main character in the Galaxy Trilogy (The Bloodstained Lion, Infinite Empire, and Heart of the Sun), a sci-fi epic that I'm currently working on the screenplay for and trying my best not to accidentally steal anything from Star Wars with. And trust me... it's hard. I got around it by setting the story 2,000 years from now, so there are references to past events that we would understand, plus a soundtrack that includes Sympathy for the Devil and House of the Rising Sun. In the background of the title, you can see spaceship designs I was working on for the trilogy hovering over an alien world.

And in the interest of preserving history, here's the previous title (Nov 2012 - March 2014):



Aaaah... I've come so far. Looking back, drawings like these are as bad as it gets. No shading, no contours of the fabric on clothing, cartoony hair... what was I thinking? Of course, I'll probably be thinking this same thing when I take down the title I just put up, but hey, that's what happens.

As a side note, I was only able to do this new title because the past two days at school were taken up by the CAHSEE (CAlifornia High School Exit Exam), which is probably the easiest test I've ever taken in my entire life. Seriously... one of the questions was "Which of the following numbers is closest to zero: 2, 3, 4, or 5?" Really? Are you kidding me, people? If this is all I need to know to graduate high school, you should have graduated me in 7th grade. And no, I will not post the answers I got on here like I have in the past, because if you seriously need my help to answer questions like this... you have failed life.

Bye!

B.S.A.T.

Wow, what a week. I don't even know where to start. First, I had to take four hours out of my Saturday morning to get up at 6:00, walk over to my school, and take a Pre-SAT test--- AND IT WAS VOLUNTARY. Seriously, I don't know why I said I would take this, but I did, and I paid the price for it. Fortunately, it was incredibly easy, and it doesn't matter on my grade, as it's a voluntary test. And most of that four-hour period was spent bubbling in answers for shit like "What is your home address," which apparently they couldn't have me just WRITE OUT, so they had me bubble in 17 letters for it. What really grates me is when they ask for your student ID card. What do they think is going on? Are people sneaking in off the street to take a test? OH SHIT, SON. I bet that's an epidemic. Once again, school, you have wasted my time and accomplished nothing in the process. Good job.

Then I had my yearly classic Halloween sleepover at my friend Benny's house, and (as always) there were a lot of epic moments, involving parkour tag, a gallon of milk, six bags of Doritos, a bagel, a hedgehog with a hat on it, a "Slow children playing" sign, and a game called Cards Against Humanity. It's a long, long, LOOOOOOOONG story and I don't want to get into it. All I can say is... I'm scarred for life, both mentally and physically. In other words, it was a success. 8/10, a seriously underrated party in my opinion.

But here's an interesting turn of events: Remember the couple who crashed the a party at the White House a few years ago? Well, since then, the woman has divorced her husband and gone off to marry Neal Schon, the lead guitarist for Journey. Why do I care, you ask? Well, Neal Schon lives just up the street from me on a hill-- in fact, not to sound like Sarah Palin, but I can practically see his house from my backyard. He drives around in his Lamborghini and it's awesome. I'm getting sidetracked. The point is, he's going to marry that party-crasher in December, so my mom (being the liberal she is) wants to crash the wedding in order to give her a taste of her own medicine.



Yeah, I figured you guys would like that idea. Anyway, things are heatin' up over here in Marin County. I really hope that my parents have the guts to go through with this one, because if we crash this party, it'll be awesome. Free food as far as the eye can see, plus Journey performing? Awesome! I'll get to throw food at them, just like I've always wanted to after having to listen to "Don't Stop Believing" for the 9,001st time! Seriously, WHY DOES EVERY SINGLE BASEBALL TEAM USE THAT AS THEIR ANTHEM? JESUS!

If we do this, it will live forever as an epic and unforgettable moment in my life. Because you might be able to attend parties throughout your life, but it's not every day that you attend one in which security throws your dad out for trying to touch Neal Schon's guitar. Anyway, if there's anyone else out there who is a raging Democrat and wants to make this woman butthurt, our lines are open! My mom wants as many people crashing this thing as possible, and I highly doubt that nobody else out there has come up with this idea yet. So drop in on the Palace of Fine Arts in San Francisco on December 15th! Eat as much food as you possibly can before getting thrown out, thus running up the bill and pissing this obnoxious rich songwriter and his dumb soon-to-be-wife off.

See you there!

Putting the Mental in Governmental: Part II: The Walls Have Ears

I am taking a break from excruciating finals studying to blog here, so... you're welcome. I am making a page of notes for Science, writing my poem for English, studying for my Spanish test, and doing a giant-ass packet for Math. So yeah, I need some time to let off some steam.

My poem is actually pretty damn good. It's about a wall in the middle of the desert, and it's all... existential... or whatever... with symbolism... and stuff. English teachers eat that kind of stuff up, right? Here's the finale I'm considering for it:

The setting sun slips through a crack

The darkness consumes all

And lo, I cannot give a crap

About this giant f**king wall

I probably won't use that, though. Not precisely the best way to finish off a year of English class. But fortunately for you, I won't bore you to death with the details of my abysmal poetry. Because for the first time in two weeks, there's been an interesting news story! Last week, Edward Snowdon, a government employee, released a series of over 200,000 documents that basically say that the NSA is spying on everything we do. So, this leaves one question:

Didn't we already know this?

Seriously, what the f**k? I thought that ever since the Simpsons Movie, people knew that the government has been listening in on every phone conversation you have. It's been this way since the passing of The Patriot Act. So why the hell is this big news? OHHH... I GET IT... It's because back THEN it was BUSH, and NOW it's OBAMA! It all makes sense!

To be serious, that's the only reason why anybody cares. These are the same people who wanted to see Obama's birth certificate, need to know 'the truth' about Benghazi, and think Iron Man is putting listening devices in their homes. Translation: They are absolutely, unequivocally, F**K NUTS. I cannot be kind about this. Anybody who thinks that the government is competent enough to pull off such a monumental cover-up is clearly delusional. I'm super cereal here, guys.

Anyway... yeah, the NSA listens to everything you do. I didn't care in 2007 and I don't care now in 2013. I have nothing to hide. If you seriously (or cereally) think that some poor soul in a darkened room in the Pentagon is pouring over every correspondence you've ever had, you are gravely misinformed. If that were true, they would seppuku themselves after endless hours of funny cat pics.

No, what the government USUALLY does is either compile phone records to use in a criminal case or search E-mails for the phrases "White House", "bomb", and "President". 

OH SHIT-- I JUST USED THE ILLEGAL WORDS. I CAN HEAR THE HELICOPTERS OUTSIDE MY HOUSE. THEY'RE COMING FOR ME. PAY HEED, PEOPLE-- THEY'RE PROBABLY GONNA STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND CUT OPEN MY CHEST-- AND IT'S ALL LEGAL UNDER OBAMACARE!!! WHY DID I VOTE FOR OBAMA??? WHYYYYYYYYYYYY...

Bye!

Finals Destination

I am totally done with society. The last two weeks of school have been ridiculous. I turned in my Food Video, took five tests in two days, retook a Spanish test twice, took ANOTHER Spanish test, wrote an epic poem that I now have to memorize, and... I'm out. I am totally done with school. And it's not a good time for that, because finals are this week. F**k.

It's not that I'm bad at taking tests, but I get nervous over shit like this, I will admit. I used Finals Calculator.com to ascertain that I need As on my History, English, Drama, and Science finals, as well as an 88% on my Geometry final in order to not BRING DISHONAH UPON MY FAMIRY! But holy crap, man... there has to be a better way. I've spent all of today studying my ass off while taking five-minute breaks for, you know, eating, sleeping, going to the bathroom... the little stuff.

I don't know what to say.... this blog post probably seems really friggin' weird, seeing as I'm tired, overcrammed, and the heat is baking my brain. I could always to a steam of consiousness blog [post but thats goinag to arealu fuasd uap how well yoau roansd undesartand what im trying to saysdfawfhc

KUMQUATS!!!

Okay, I'm back. Seriously, my brain is fried. There has to be a better way to evaluate people in school than to give them seven tests, each of which counts for 20% of their final grade, in four days. Why does this even exist...

Time for my FINALS HAIKU!

I am really f**ked

Where did the semester go?

F**k f**k f**k f**k f**k

Hopefully I will be able to return to my regularly scheduled blogging regimen by the end of the week, but I wouldn't count on it if I were you. I will probably pass out after Thursday night, not to mention the epic sleepover scheduled for Friday... that'll be interesting. 

Also, my beautiful new laptop is expected to arrive by the 18th, so that will probably get me back in the swing of things. Untilal thena, expeca tah more blaod gposts like thias one, acomete with asdpelling aers andaf barin sacells taht have ben torn asunder.

Bey!

Boston Gets Jacked

STAR Test, Version 1, World History: CFCHCFDHCHDGDGAHBJAGDJCHDGDHCHDF
CFDGCFBHBGBHCJCFDFCGCHCFDJBHDGCGDF!!! Yowza!!! And we're STILL not done with this bull crap! As always, I guarantee nothing about these answers, but they should get you a good grade. Or maybe I'm just f**king with your head... MWAHAHAHAHA!!! And here's Earth Science Version 1: CCHDJDJAJAFBHAHAGDFBGDJBHBHAGDHAFCHDHDGDGCGCH
CGAHCJDGDFBJBJCFCGDHCF!!!

God, this is so pointless... but the STAR Test is over anyway, so it's not like these are worth jacks**t. But there have been a few unusual developments in the past 24 hours that are really quite disturbing, and I'd like to turn your attention to them. Remember the Boston Marathon bombing? I assume you do, as CNN simply won't let you forget it. But the Boston CTU has located the suspects.

Apparently, two brothers knocked over a convenience store, then proceeded to steal a guy's SUV. When the guy refused to get out, they told him that they were behind the bombs, and shouldn't be f**ked with. And so ensued the greatest car chase that the city of Boston has ever seen, up until the older brother was shot, taken to the hospital, and eventually died. His bro, however, is still at large, but police think that they've cornered him in a house in Watertown.


In other words, it's 24: Season 9 over there, complete with ludicrous plot twists, shoot-outs, and suspiciously stereotypical villains. These guys are from Chechnya, which is a part of Russia near the Caucus Mountains that wants to secede. So I think we can rule out any kind of political terrorism, seeing as neither Chechnya nor the US are very big fans of Russia.

However, what did catch my attention about this was the fact that Chechnya has a high Muslim population, and that the brothers' parents are both highly practicing Muslims. So now everyone's assuming that Muslims have blown us up... AGAIN. I'm not going to say either way, partly because I don't want to cast generalizations, but also because (if this is really a continuation of 24), there's probably going to be a final plot twist in the season finale where these guys are just pawns, and the real villain is the president's wife. At least, that's the way it was in Season 2.

But that's not the only TV show connection I can make about recent events. Remember the ricin poison that was mailed to Obama? That same s**t was used in Breaking Bad to kill Tuco and Gus (although it didn't quite work either time)... NOPE! NO SPOILERS!!! So now we know who we're looking for: A scowling, angry bald guy. Which narrows it down to practically everyone in that show.

Bye!

Ricinister

Today's STAR Test answers are for the Geometry 9th Grade Version 2 test: BFCFBHBFAJBJCF DFDGAGAJCGDHDFJHDJBJCGAHDGAJAGCFAHBHDHDFDHAGAJBGAGBFDH
CFB!!!!!! I sincerely hope that you people appreciate the lengths I go to in order to give you these. Maybe someone out there will read this, find a pattern, and I'll be able to kick back and relax while taking the STAR Test from now on.

But moving on, there's apparently been a break in the Boston bombing case. Seeing as no one has yet claimed responsibility for the attack, it's clearly not Al Qaeda or anything like that. And someone looking suspicious was caught on video camera where the bomb went off. By 'looking suspicious', of course, we mean wearing a hoodie, holding Skittles®, and black. Oh, never mind... this isn't Florida.

However, there's been another case of domestic terrorism-- someone mailed ricin-laced letters to a Mississippi senator and President Obama. Ricin is a toxin derived from the castor oil plant, and is poisonous if inhaled, injected, or ingested. At least that's what Wikipedia says. I, for one, hadn't heard of this s**t until today. But someone out there has been busy, and they're apparently targeting our marathons and virtually unknown senators.


Oh, yeah, and the president...

And do I think that these attacks are linked? F**K YEAH! It's been, what, four years since anything major like this happened, and then both of these attacks occur within a three-day time period? HA! Coincidence? Yes.

I wonder if anyone ever bothers to read the letters that these guys send in. They might say something interesting. Or maybe they just put them under those metal domes and blow 'em the f**k away. No matter what they did, the letters never reached Obama; the anthrax scare about a decade ago took care of that. Now all the letters are screened somewhere in Virginia. So you wonder why these people even bother.

Bye!

Test Without Rest

STAR Test week is back, and as you may remember from previous years, I have all the answers for you right here! AJBHCGAGCHCHBFBJDGAHBFBGCGCFCFAFCJAHAGBFAFDH
DGCHCFBHCJBJBHAJBFCJBJBFAHBACJBFBFBGB!!! So, what does it look like this year? Well, there's a lot of Bs, so B is the 'panic letter', or the letter that you select too much, then look back at your answer document and say "F**k, this can't be right." D and J are, as always, the 'hooks', meaning they're barely selected at all. Today's answers were from the ELA-9th Grade Version 2 test. And if you ask me why I do this, well...

I've been saving my STAR Test answers for years now to formulate a theorem to predict which letter comes next in the sequence. And surprisingly, there are some patterns. There's the 'back and forth', where it goes FBFBFB, designed to make you flip f**king s**t. There's the 'mirror', where the first two or three in a column will mirror the first two or three in the opposite column. And there's the 'God dammit', where it's something like AFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAF for friggin' forever.

But remember, these patterns are devised by sadistic teachers to trip you up and make you panic. I heard of a True or False test once where every question's answer was False. That's enough to make your head explode.

 
Of course, there's also the types of test takers you have to rely on. There's the TRY-HARD, who checks and double-checks their answers a thousand times before finally turning the test in, and doesn't care that they're the last f**king person to hand it in. This person usually ensures that you will have only a few minutes after the test to talk to people before the bell rings. There's the SNIFFLER, who makes small sniffles, sneezes, and coughs throughout the test and distracts the crap out of everyone. I blame the moron who put STAR Testing right in the middle of April. There's the SLACKER, who makes funny noises with his mouth and expects no one to notice. This guy ends up using his iPhone halfway through the test and gets suspended. And finally, we have the IDIOT, who bubbles all his answers in to form the outline of a penis.

I fall into none of these categories (I hope), but I know why most people do. For years, students thought that the STAR Test was the most important thing in their life, and if they didn't get 100% on it, they would get an F in the class. But the amazing thing is that the STAR Test doesn't actually affect your grade at all. It's a test for the school to see if the teachers are any good, and if the grades that the school is reporting are accurate. And so the teachers gave long, loooooong speeches about how the tests don't matter.

Well, some people really took that to heart, and now they've become YOLOing SWAGging morons who don't even try on the STAR Test. Which really sucks, because they end up bringing the overall score for the school down and lowering everyone's chances of getting into college. But I highly doubt that the league of converse-wearing, mouth-breathing, beer-drinking f**ktards really care about that anyway.

Bye!

THIS BLOG CONTAINS NO EDUCATIONAL MATERIAL

To finish the week, I have the STAR Test answers to both Math and History 8th grade tests: Here's the Math (version 05): CCFAHCGCGBFCHBJCGCHNGDFDFCHAFDGDFCGAFDGDFCGAJCGC

JDGAFCJAGCJBJAFDGCGBFCGBHAJBFB!!!

And here are the answers to the History test: CDGCJAJCGCHCBGBGDJCGAGAGAJCHBFBHAJAGCGDHBJAHDFDH

AJAHCJCGCHAJAGBHDGBJFBGDGDFBFBHDFB!!!

I don't know if you fully appreciate the lengths I have to go through to do this. I use a complicated cypher, coding each individual answer as I bubble it in, and then hide the corresponding letters in an intricate picture that I draw myself. So please... a little respect.

LULZ! No, I just write them all down. I'm actually really surprised I haven't been caught yet. It's ridiculous. But still, the entire school system is beginning to seem more and more inept the further I get through it. Case in point: On the STAR Test, there are random blank pages that say "THIS PAGE CONTAINS NO TEST MATERIAL". That's when I like to draw this little guy:

I think that's actually Nicholas Cage.

In other news, Newt Gingrich finally suspended his campaign, leaving Mitt Romney with only one obstacle: A troll-like marxist, who shouldn't be too hard to beat. We now can look forward to seven whole months of the actual election.

And I'm already bored.

Bye!

STAR Testing

It's April again, which for some means taxes, and for others means standardized tests. And, just as I did last year, I will be publishing all the answers for this year's California STAR Test on my blog. Note: These are for version 02. If you wanted another version, sorry: You're out of luck. Here are the answers for questions 1-81 for the English test:

CJDFBGAJBHCJAFBHDJBGAHDFDGCGAJBGCJAJDGBHAJCFBHAHAGAJDGCGAHDG

AGAHB!!!!!

If anyone found those remotely helpful, I'll be surprised: That would require someone who is A) In 8th grade, B) In California, and C) Got version 02 for the STAR Test, and also read my blog today. Here are the answers for the Science section:

BHAHBFDJBFAJDGAGAGDJAHBHBGCJAHBJDHBHDFDBDGAFBHAFDGDHCHAFCHD

HDFDFDFCG!!!!!

There you have it. The Math and History tests are next week, so I'll update these later. And as always, I take no responsibility for the correctness of these answers. But I DO get good scores on the STAR tests every single time, so the choice is up to you!

My favorite part about the STAR test is the intro, which I've heard so many times, I have it memorized: "Today you will take a test to see how much you have learned. Some of the questions will be easy, and some will be more difficult. Don't worry about the ones that seem hard, just do your best and try to answer as many questions as you can. You will have 1 hour and 38 minutes".

The teacher, whoever it is, has to say that ridiculous monologue EVERY FREAKIN' TIME!!! IT'S BEGINNING TO DRIVE ME OUT OF MY MIND!!! But hey, I can't complain: The STAR test eats up two weeks that would normally be spent doing lame-ass school activities, and no one gives us any homework, except for my sadistic Spanish teacher.

Bye!

Osama bin Laden: Hide and Seek Champion, 2001-2011

Here are my STAR test answers for the CST Mathematics test (version 7). Read 'em and weep, California: DJCHBFBGDGAFCFCHDHDFBGCJBJBJDFBHAJCJAG. Wikileaks has NOTHING on this!

Everyone, the death of Osama bin Laden comes with even better news: We have another thing floating around in our oceans! YAAAY! See, Osama was buried at sea after DNA tests were run and his wife identified his body. So, let's put it up on the big board!

• Trash heap

• Three thousand... no, ten thousand... no, sixty thousand... oh, screw it, a hundred million barrels of oil.

• RADIOACTIVE WATER!!!

• The remains of New Orleans

• 63 Vertco Minotaurs (don't ask. Just don't ask).

• And now, the corpse of the (former) most wanted man on Earth! BOOM!

I know I shouldn't be so happy about someone else's demise, but I can't help it. If you watch The Daily Show, Jon Stewart's reaction is SO EPIC! He's practically whooping and cheering, and you can tell even THAT is reserved. It's such the fitting end if you watch his post 9/11 show. Colbert, of course, stayed in character and threw a 'WE GOT OSAMA' party.

And this is why I've officially decided that this picture, while somewhat crass, best represents my feelings toward this whole thing:

And on that note, bye!

SECURITY BREACH!!!

Here are my other answers for the STAR test part I took today (CST ELA version 7). Wow. I feel like Wikileaks.
HAFCFCABGCHBFDJBHBFBFAHBJAJBHAJDHAFBDGB
My teachers don't notice much. But maybe it's just 'cause I hid all the letters in a very intense space battle drawing. I'm such a nerd.
I wonder what the state of California would think if they knew that I secretly released all my STAR test answers. Hmmm. They might hack this blog... whatever. It's a risk I'm willing to take.
Bye!

S.T.A.R of the Show

The STAR Test is back. It's the yearly California standardized testing thingamajig. I'm sure STAR stands for something, but I don't know what. Also, it means that I get to show off the fact that I memorized the teacher's lecture that they have to give every year.

'Today you will take a test to see how much you have learned. Some of the questions will be easy, and some will be more difficult. Don't worry about the ones that are hard, just do your best and try to answer as many questions as you can.

Open the answer document now. Locate the section that says "LANGUAGE ARTS CST". There are ten bubbles. On the cover of your Test Booklet, you will see a number. Fill in the bubble corresponding with that number now.

Open to the first page of the Test Booklet. You will see two sample questions, sample A and sample B. Fill in the bubble for the answers on your answer document now.

The sky is: A) Blue B) Yellow C) Orange D) Grey

The correct answer was A. If you did not fill in the bubble marked A, please fully erase your previous answer and fill in the correct one now.

You will be given 90 minutes. You may begin'.

So, that's that. Oh, and I took the liberty of copying down all my answers on the STAR test for today. Here are the answers for questions 1-41, version 7: AFCHCFBFDHDJBHCGDJCFAGBJDHDJBAFACFAGBJDHB

Yep, that's a fact. By the way, the correctness of those answers may vary, but I can guarantee it's what I put down, and... let's put it this way: I have a long history of good STAR test scores.

Bye!