Plane Wrong

Well, let's try to keep this blog going. There's a lot of news stories I have to catch up on from my long-ass hiatus from blogging, but the most pressing is clearly my school debates. This past week, my school had a series of debates for our Disease Project. The concept is that each group of three or four people is assigned a disease, and then debates against other groups about which disease should get an imaginary half a billion dollars in funding. As you can imagine, this usually leads to the worst diseases winning the debates. My disease? A little thing called the common cold.

Anyway, long story short, I paved a path of wreckage and destruction through the debates, beating influenza (lol it's the same as the cold), Polio, AIDS, and Cystic Fibrosis... only to lose to f*cking Sickle Cell Anemia in the final round. Still though... the common cold over AIDS? Damn. During the debates, you can stand up and yell "POINT OF INFORMATION!" to interrupt the speaker, so here's a few of my favorite points to counter what the speaker was saying.

• "If that's your data, then I question your research skills."
• "Contrary to what you just stated, Africa is NOT a country."
• "Your logic is inherently flawed."
• "I don't know... FDR got along fine, and he had Polio."

It was fun on a bun. Unfortunately, I've made some enemies now, because some people don't like being yelled at in front of the class. Ah, well. Them's the breaks.

Anyway, time for some legitimate news stories... namely, an entire plane full of people has gone missing somewhere in southeast Asia, and nobody has the slightest clue as to where it possibly went. Malaysia Airlines, the company that owns the plane, went from saying "It's probably terrorists" to "It's probably a systems malfunction" to "Aliens. Definitely aliens" to "Ehhh, f*ck it." So as you can probably guess, the families of the passengers aren't too pleased.

Only a few things are possible here. First we thought a terrorist group might have hijacked the plane, but usually terrorist organizations take responsibility for things like this because... you know... they're terrorists. They cause terror. Then we thought it might have been a malfunction, but apparently the GPS and radar systems on the plane were turned off manually. Now there are all sorts of conspiracy theories shooting around, ranging from the plane landing on the water and being towed by a boat to some remote location to the plane meeting up with another plane in midair, flying tandem to avoid sonar detection, and landing in some undisclosed location. Who knows? Personally, my theory is that the plane was equipped with some kind of new warp drive that tore a hole in the space-time continuum and sucked it into an alternate universe.

    << The most plausible theory yet.

Or maybe the plane's engine came off, traveled through a wormhole, and landed in the suburban home of Jake Gyllenhaal. Or maybe some kid predicted that the plane would explode moments before takeoff. Or maybe I should stop making vague references to obscure sci-fi/horror movies. Just a thought.

I think it's clear that Malaysia Airlines needs to extend their search to encompass the entire solar system (and maybe all of space-time as well while they're at it), but really there are way too many possibilities to cover here. What if the plane traveled back in time to cause 9/11? What if it was sucked into wherever all the missing socks end up? Or has it gone into the mystical realm where King Tut's penis ended up? Don't worry... I won't bring THAT tired old series back. But I will say this: If aliens did abduct that plane and the History Channel guy was right all along... I have to rethink my life.

Bye!

The Machine That Travels Through Time

Well, they've finally caught the Boston bomber. And no, it was nothing like 24. It took them THREE WHOLE DAYS!!! Jack Bauer would have gotten that s**t done in 24 hours. Still, I'm happy, because not only did they find the guy, but they were able to take him alive. He's in custody now, but has sustained multiple throat wounds, so he may not be able to talk. Which kind of defeats the purpose. But still, we now get to see a little insight into the mind of a terrorist.

Of course, now that the 'exciting' part is over, nobody cares. As of this writing, the main headline on Google News is "Jennifer Lawrence Debuts Shorter 'do at GLAAD Awards". So kudos to the news media for handling this so professionally. I know that this was some imperative s**t that ABSOLUTELY COULD NOT HAVE WAITED ANOTHER SINGLE F**KING DAY.

It seems that these days, all that happens in the news gets overshadowed by BS like "Farmer Grows Jay Leno Look-Alike Eggplant," or "Pope Agrees to Perform at New Jersey Teen's Prom." So let's talk about a news story that's been put out of our view for a while now: In Iran, a scientist has announced that he has invented a 'time machine' that gives users a view of the future. Although it's not a time machine in the traditional sense, the device gives you a look at the next five to eight years of your life with 98% accuracy.













H.G. Wells would have been proud.

Anyway, he won't let it be used by the public, and he won't tell anyone how it works. Because apparently if he does, "the Chinese will steal the idea and produce it in millions overnight." Which, in his defense, is probably true. But then the lead paint will chip off and f**k up the space-time continuum, and nobody wants that. Plus, they'll probably make some sort of manufacturing plant that belches deep-space tachyons into the atmosphere.

Anyway, if this is true, it revolutionizes the stalemate with Iran. Now Mahmoud Ahmadenijad probably knows every move we're going to make in the next decade. If something isn't done, we could face global annihilation, or even worse...

A TIME MACHINE GAP!!!

Bye!