Slip-Slidin' Away

Well, it's been an action-packed week, full of math tests, bad movie watching, and school projects that require gospel music singing (no joke). I haven't had much of a chance to blog thus far, seeing as my schedule has been packed and my brain was fried from watching Divergent, the worst movie of the year so far (click HERE to read my review of it), so let's look at a few updates from the news stories I've been covering recently:

• THE PLANE IS GONE! THE PLANE IS GONE! THE PLANE IS GONE! THE PLANE IS GONE! And coming up on a very special CNN report: THE PLANE IS GONE!!! Tune in soon!
• Russia's seizure of Ukrainian military bases and equipment has now apparently expanded to tactical dolphins.
• Sadly, Fred Phelps did not come back to life as a zombie so we could kill him again for good measure.

Huh. Sounds like my week was far more interesting than the week in news. Unfortunately, not everyone has had a boring week, because in Oso, Washington, an entire hillside came away and completely crushed the small town. Mudslides are common in Washington state, but it's not every day that you see an entire square mile of land just sink down and bury a town Pompeii-style. At least we know that the disaster will probably be memorialized in a shitty Paul W.S. Anderson movie. Here's a pic:

Weird stuff has been going on recently, and I'm pretty sure that the Illuminati is to blame. There must have been one guy in Oso who was a threat to their plans, so they tried to eliminate him. Same with the Malaysian plane... good lord, it all fits together! There must be some massive conspiracy! Think about it: The numerology numbers for "Oso" is 15/19/15! Add the pairs of numbers together, and you get 6/10/6! Add those three numbers together, and you get 22! The number 15 appeared in the original numbers TWICE! 15 - 6 = 9! 9 + 2 = 11! 9/11!!! OH MY GOD!!! And that's not all-- 11 TIMES 2 is 22: THE NUMBER OF DAYS THAT THE MALAYSIAN FLIGHT HAS BEEN MISSING!!! IT'S ALL A CONSPIRACY!!! AAAAAAGH!!!

Ah, well. Whenever I don't know what to say on a subject, I go all conspiracy theory. So, let's have the first moment of honesty and seriousness here at G-Force: To the families of the victims, my heart goes out to you. This terrible disaster is something nobody could have seen coming. And hopefully, the bastards in the Illuminati will pay for it. Phew. That was intense. No wonder I don't go all heartfelt more often. I nearly had a brain aneurysm.

Bye!

Plane Wrong

Well, let's try to keep this blog going. There's a lot of news stories I have to catch up on from my long-ass hiatus from blogging, but the most pressing is clearly my school debates. This past week, my school had a series of debates for our Disease Project. The concept is that each group of three or four people is assigned a disease, and then debates against other groups about which disease should get an imaginary half a billion dollars in funding. As you can imagine, this usually leads to the worst diseases winning the debates. My disease? A little thing called the common cold.

Anyway, long story short, I paved a path of wreckage and destruction through the debates, beating influenza (lol it's the same as the cold), Polio, AIDS, and Cystic Fibrosis... only to lose to f*cking Sickle Cell Anemia in the final round. Still though... the common cold over AIDS? Damn. During the debates, you can stand up and yell "POINT OF INFORMATION!" to interrupt the speaker, so here's a few of my favorite points to counter what the speaker was saying.

• "If that's your data, then I question your research skills."
• "Contrary to what you just stated, Africa is NOT a country."
• "Your logic is inherently flawed."
• "I don't know... FDR got along fine, and he had Polio."

It was fun on a bun. Unfortunately, I've made some enemies now, because some people don't like being yelled at in front of the class. Ah, well. Them's the breaks.

Anyway, time for some legitimate news stories... namely, an entire plane full of people has gone missing somewhere in southeast Asia, and nobody has the slightest clue as to where it possibly went. Malaysia Airlines, the company that owns the plane, went from saying "It's probably terrorists" to "It's probably a systems malfunction" to "Aliens. Definitely aliens" to "Ehhh, f*ck it." So as you can probably guess, the families of the passengers aren't too pleased.

Only a few things are possible here. First we thought a terrorist group might have hijacked the plane, but usually terrorist organizations take responsibility for things like this because... you know... they're terrorists. They cause terror. Then we thought it might have been a malfunction, but apparently the GPS and radar systems on the plane were turned off manually. Now there are all sorts of conspiracy theories shooting around, ranging from the plane landing on the water and being towed by a boat to some remote location to the plane meeting up with another plane in midair, flying tandem to avoid sonar detection, and landing in some undisclosed location. Who knows? Personally, my theory is that the plane was equipped with some kind of new warp drive that tore a hole in the space-time continuum and sucked it into an alternate universe.

    << The most plausible theory yet.

Or maybe the plane's engine came off, traveled through a wormhole, and landed in the suburban home of Jake Gyllenhaal. Or maybe some kid predicted that the plane would explode moments before takeoff. Or maybe I should stop making vague references to obscure sci-fi/horror movies. Just a thought.

I think it's clear that Malaysia Airlines needs to extend their search to encompass the entire solar system (and maybe all of space-time as well while they're at it), but really there are way too many possibilities to cover here. What if the plane traveled back in time to cause 9/11? What if it was sucked into wherever all the missing socks end up? Or has it gone into the mystical realm where King Tut's penis ended up? Don't worry... I won't bring THAT tired old series back. But I will say this: If aliens did abduct that plane and the History Channel guy was right all along... I have to rethink my life.

Bye!

Mile-High Billiards

I have fulfilled a mission I've wanted to accomplish for nearly ten years. At a school event, I stood up in front of about a hundred parents and teachers, and said the words "We don't want to drown in a sea of our own excrement." MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!! I should explain: Last night was the final day of a two-month project that culminated in a presentation about what a Mars Colony would be like. And I got to give a twelve-second mini-speech about 'waste management artisans', or for you plebeians out there, 'people who take human feces and pack it into the walls.'

The best part, however, is that my group's poster was apparently so good that it's going to be sent into Space X (not Space XXX, that's a different organization altogether). So maybe one day when a Mars Colony is actually set up, the ATVs will be based on my genius design and be emblazoned with the Vertco Motors logo.

As fully awesome as this news may seem, there are other, far more real topics that require my immediate attention. Firstly, the TSA has declared that hockey sticks, pool cues, and small knives will now be allowed on planes. This is some pretty next-level s**t, seeing as they won't let you get on the plane without taking your shoes off and getting a full cavity strip search. Jesus, just TYPING those words made me want to throw up.

A lot of people are getting pissed that they can now bring on Swiss Army Knives and not bottled water, but my problem is far bigger-- How do we know that terrorists haven't been trained in advanced billiards? Seriously, this is a big issue. They might attempt a shot like this:


That's one DEADLY f**kin' pool cue.

Meanwhile, we have a first amendment problem on our hands, and for once it has nothing to do with the Westboro Baptist Church. A New York City cop was convicted this week of plotting to kidnap, cook, and eat a woman. So yes, this is creepy. And it puts New York high in the running for my BULLS**T OF THE YEAR AWARD for 2013. The problem with the case was that the guy hadn't actually done anything yet, and had just sent emails back and forth, which he said were jokes. Now, ignoring the obvious comparisons between this and Minority Report, I think this ended wrongly. Sure, the guy's a creepy f**ker who clearly needs his head examined, but he hadn't committed a crime, and there's nothing to prove that he wasn't just joking around. I can totally imagine a scenario where one of my friends texts me something, and black helicopters show up on my street in the middle of the night.

But at least New York can say SOMETHING sane about itself, because this week the infamous large soda drink ban was struck down, just a day before it was set to be enacted. So Jon Stewart will be overjoyed. Of course, Bloomberg refused to accept this, and vowed to fight obesity until his dying days. So now New York knows what they really need to crack down on: Cannibal cops and soda drinkers.

 Bye!