Modern Snorefare

I've finally figured out what's wrong with America these days.

We've finally run out of things to blow up.

Sure, we've got countries like Iraq, Afghanistan, and Libya that we can 'bomb some sense into', but no easily defined enemy. I think it all started when we invented the atom bomb. Once we could extinguish millions of lives in a split second, the whole idea of battling another country's army to see whose was the best seemed kind of old-fashioned.

Fortunately, we were able to innovate around the problem by creating wars on inanimate objects and abstract concepts! Match the person to their personal war:

A) Michelle Obama 1) War on fictional war on Christmas

B) Tipper Gore 2) War on Communism

C) The Reagans 3) War on Global Warming

D) Bill o'Reilly 4) War on Drugs

E) Al Gore 5) War on Terror

F) George W. Bush 6) War on Music Lyrics

G) Capitalists 7) War on Obesity

I'll give you the answers a few blogs from now. Bye!

England: Land of Engs

As we all know, the royal wedding was today (at around 3:00 AM). It's an admittedly rare occasion that we get to see vulgarity on that scale. The most sickening part was that, even in the midst of all this controversy (80% of Brits believe the wedding was a waste of time and money), two billion people reportedly tuned in to watch it. Disgusting.

The Daily Show did a report on the royal wedding with their senior British correspondent, John Oliver. During his time in London, he was able to interview an old lady with a strange hoarding complex and a crazy person who thinks people (oh, I mean 'commoners') should be honored just to clean up after the royal wedding. It's times like these when you wonder how humanity gets its pants on in the morning. The Daily Show segment can be accessed HERE.

I have to say, as an American, I think this whole royalty thing is a huge waste of time. All it truly is is a bunch of aloof, out-of-touch people in a centuries-old family trying to cling to the last scraps of relevance. It's sad, if you think about it. But what's sadder is that some people actually agree with them, and think the royals should continue being 'special' people. Sad.

But fortunately, there are some people who are standing up to this. Some brave Brits are going against traditions that were pointless to begin with. These people are...

THE REFORMERS.

Yes, The Reformers, bravely fighting against the evil forces of the... Royalcepticons. I dunno.

Fortunately, I was able to profit from the royal wedding in my usual way--- selling useless Vertco products (that may or may not be tainted with lead) to the unsuspecting populace. So far, I've grossed $60,000.

I love America.

Bye!

Attack of the Donald

Well, it's finally happened. Obama released his birth certificate two days ago, and now we in the news have a problem:

THERE'S NOTHING ELSE TO TALK ABOUT!!! AAAAAAAAGH!!!

Fortunately, Donald Trump came to our rescue with his ridiculous speech and black helicopter emblazoned with the Trump name. I guess he had it put there so he wouldn't keep forgetting it. In the interview, The Donald was able to deflect difficult questions like a pro. They bounced off of him like bullets off of Superman!

I'm such a nerd.

Anyway, Trump isn't finished by far. He has now declared a search for Obama's college papers. I don't think these people will stop until they uncover his sixth grade report cards. It's all part of Trump's plan to transform this country and change the White House into...

The Trump House and Casino resort. Yeah, that's right.

Am I the only one who finds Trump revolting? Not only has he slapped his name on everything from Atlantic City Casinos to collectable shot glasses, he's found a way to get free publicity out for the Trump name: run for president. The press HAS to cover him, because A) He's a celebrity, and B) He's running for the highest office in the country. And the more publicity he gets, the bigger the Trump brand/name/collectable shot glass market gets, and the more money gets delivered to whatever creatures that are living in his hair via pneumatic tube.

It's a vicious circle. And seeing that I, while on the very edge of relevance, am part of the press, I am bound by the secret media code of conduct to report on Trump. So here's my report: He is an unqualified, vulgar, over excessive human parasite who feeds off of media coverage and camera attention and uses his former glory as an obscenely rich a**hole and his TV show to work his name into every aspect of American life.

But that's just my opinion.

Bye!

Alabomination!!!

Let's say this right away: Alabama is not my favorite state. But some states don't deserve even things like this. This is the worst thing that has happened to Alabama since it was created. As I'm sure you've heard, massive tornadoes have swept across Alabama recently and killed almost 200 people. WOW. In fact, I just realized something: Bordering the Gulf of Mexico is just bad luck. Louisiana and Mississippi were devastated by Hurricane Katrina. Florida will never be forgiven by the other 49 states for the 2000 elections. Texas, of course, is just Texas, which is bad luck enough already. And now this with Alabama. Also, we can't forget the gulf oil spill. Amazing. That's a lot of crazy stuff.

I mean, I like Alabama! Just read this quote from two years ago, saying how much I love Alabama!

"Alabama is the only state where you can marry your cousin. It also houses one of the last remnants of the KKK. A worse state I cannot imagine".

Hmm. Probably should'a vetted that before I, y'know, published the post. Whoops.

And it even goes for outside the US. Cuba is being run by the Castros, and Mexico has one of the worst drug cartel problems in the world!

It's great to live out here in California, where all we need to worry about are earthquakes and Arnold Schwarzenegger going all Terminator on us and killing us in our sleep. Take your pick.

But then, nobody's perfect. Wherever you live, the place has a problem. New York is the #1 terrorist bombing location. Montana, Idaho, and Wyoming are located directly above a massive supervolcano. Snowstorms bury houses all along the east coast, and if you live in Nevada, you have to worry about the mysterious ticking noise coming from Area 51.

I could keep going from state to state (Hawaii-volcanoes), but I know that would bore you to death (Dakotas-flooding). So instead of blogging about pointless stuff (Illinois-crime), I think I'll instead (Maine-mutant lobsters) blog about relevant (Carolinas-racist flag/tobacco industry) topics that won't (Wisconsin/Minnesota-obesity) make my readership (Indiana-enormous Indy 500 explosion) decline drastically (Arizona-brain melting heat wave).

But now that I think about it, there really is nothing else to talk about. Nothing new in Libya. Ivory Coast's civil war ended weeks ago. Trump is dicking around, but as I said, nothing new. I'd better end this blog now before every story in the news officially goes sour.

Bye!

P.S.--- For those states who weren't mentioned: You don't get off that easy! Alaska-Sarah Palin. Delaware-death by boredom. New Mexico-another alien landing. Colorado-gigantic avalanche. Utah-Mormon zombies! Michigan-decline of American industry. West Virginia-massive coal mine collapse. Nebraska, Kansas, Oklahoma-dust bowl/more tornadoes. Kentucky-gigantic, destructive derby gone horribly wrong. The remaining states are all part of the bible belt. There you have it!

SECURITY BREACH!!!

Here are my other answers for the STAR test part I took today (CST ELA version 7). Wow. I feel like Wikileaks.
HAFCFCABGCHBFDJBHBFBFAHBJAJBHAJDHAFBDGB
My teachers don't notice much. But maybe it's just 'cause I hid all the letters in a very intense space battle drawing. I'm such a nerd.
I wonder what the state of California would think if they knew that I secretly released all my STAR test answers. Hmmm. They might hack this blog... whatever. It's a risk I'm willing to take.
Bye!

Multilingual

هالو. إ أم وريتينج ذيس بوست سومبليتيلي إن أرابيك فور مي رياديرس إن معدل يسترن سوونترييس. ص، هوية دينج؟ إف يو كان رد ذيس، يوقر بفيصل فلونة. هو أر ث وبريسينجس جينج؟ إ هيرد سيرأس نكست. هم. ذيس إس اوكوارد.

Okay, so that was interesting. I just wrote a secret message to my arabic-speaking readers, or arabic-reading speakers, or whatever. Encrypted in that is a secret, secret message telling them secret, secret things. OH! By the way---

ث تيم حس كوم! ريس أب جنسه يور ةة RULERS! بور، قذافي، يور تيم حس كوم!

You didn't see ANYTHING. Oh, and apparently, there's no word for 'ruler' in arabic, since it didn't translate. I doubt there's a word for 'irony' either.

مبارك حد إت COMING طه هم!

Huh. No word for 'coming' either. By the way, I'm inciting revolution by typing this. HEE, HEE! Ooh! here's one for Iran!

هي، إيران! إف يوقر ريدينغ ذيس، أمريكا زنقة ذات بعد أت أل! إ شوولد كنو، عام أن أف إذ جريت ستنا، أر وهاتيفير إت إس. بيوت ريلي، يو جويس شوولد ريس أب! وهي شوولد ةهماديناوهاتيفير ث هيك حيث نيم إس بي الود طه رول أوفر يو؟ ذينك أبوت إت!

Wow. I feel dangerous. My blog has already been read in Iran 75 times. WOW. Who would'a guessed?
BYE!

PS: إ ساي عجين رفلة جنسه يور كرزي، سموحة مينتاللي ونستابلي روليرس! ث تيم إس نو! ث بلاك إس نو! استولي، ذات ماكس ن سنس، بيوت يو جت ث إذا.

بي!

Fear my Semi-Colorful Graphs!

Well, I've almost done it.

G-Force is almost at record gains this month. And it's all thanks to you, my semi-faithful readers. Here's the graph to prove it:

That's my blog's entire history ever since I started posting. This month is about to beat out October 2010, which is my highest readership ever at 641 views! This month has 575, so if you must, keep refreshing the page to boost my hit count! No, actually, don't do that. But I would like to know what made October so popular...

Oh my god. I was blogging about TETRIS. TETRIS TETRIS TETRIS TETRIS TETRIS. TETRIS. If that doesn't help my hit count, I don't know what will.

Two weeks from now, I'm participating in a two-mile race to raise money for my school. HA! Actually, I'm only doing it to get two free passes from two mile runs in PE. We run a mile every Wednesday, and my crazy friend Cody runs to army marches on his iPod. Odd.

Well, whatever. If getting my school money is the cost of two free mile passes, so be it.

Bye!

S.T.A.R of the Show

The STAR Test is back. It's the yearly California standardized testing thingamajig. I'm sure STAR stands for something, but I don't know what. Also, it means that I get to show off the fact that I memorized the teacher's lecture that they have to give every year.

'Today you will take a test to see how much you have learned. Some of the questions will be easy, and some will be more difficult. Don't worry about the ones that are hard, just do your best and try to answer as many questions as you can.

Open the answer document now. Locate the section that says "LANGUAGE ARTS CST". There are ten bubbles. On the cover of your Test Booklet, you will see a number. Fill in the bubble corresponding with that number now.

Open to the first page of the Test Booklet. You will see two sample questions, sample A and sample B. Fill in the bubble for the answers on your answer document now.

The sky is: A) Blue B) Yellow C) Orange D) Grey

The correct answer was A. If you did not fill in the bubble marked A, please fully erase your previous answer and fill in the correct one now.

You will be given 90 minutes. You may begin'.

So, that's that. Oh, and I took the liberty of copying down all my answers on the STAR test for today. Here are the answers for questions 1-41, version 7: AFCHCFBFDHDJBHCGDJCFAGBJDHDJBAFACFAGBJDHB

Yep, that's a fact. By the way, the correctness of those answers may vary, but I can guarantee it's what I put down, and... let's put it this way: I have a long history of good STAR test scores.

Bye!

Again With the Stupid Egg Hunts!

I had a great idea: What if you were to make a movie where every single movie ever made suddenly came true? Aliens would attack LA, Indiana Jones would show up, we'd have a dozen robot revolutions, etc. Wow. Someone should make a movie about that. But then, that would be a movie, so we'd have to include that in the movie, which is the movie that has the movie within it...

Oh my god... a movie within a movie...

So, I've made a big decision: Any movie worse than CLASH OF THE TITANS does not qualify as a movie. We have to draw the line somewhere. That goes for the entire Chronicles of Narnia series, Twilight, and The Wizard of Oz. And of course BAD MOVIE. Wow. It's gonna be the worst movie EVER!!! I can't wait.

Speaking of worst things ever, let's get back to the topic of Donald Trump. Apparently, the 'birth certificate' he sent out to the press wasn't even his actual birth certificate! It was the wrong document. That's kind of sad. That's like he failed at failing.

But eventually, even with so many other things to talk about, we must come back to this one topic: Today is my least favorite day of the year. Worse than Valentine's Day. Worse than Hitler's birthday (which, by the way, is also coincidentally the birthday of my friend Ben). Today is the absolute worst.

Today is Easter. And it's time for me to go around town lawn-ornament bashing! I take a plank of wood with a nail through it and smash up any rabbit hats and inflatable eggs I see. Today is, I will say again, pure evil. Fortunately, my parents somewhat agree with me, and never make me go to church, now or any other day. Phew. It's a good thing, too. I might have to bring in a copy of 'Origin of the Species' and start hitting people with it.

On that note, bye!

YA FIRRRRRED!!!!!

I never thought I'd say this, but I'm fully supporting Donald Trump.

I understand everything now: if Trump wins the Republican nomination, Obama will go through to a second term so easily, it won't even be funny. Actually, it will be pretty funny. Especially when we see John Boehner's face.

Speaking of Boehner's face, notice anything different? Less orange. The orange background he bought must counteract the not-so-subtle spray tan he got while vacationing in Jersey.

BAD MOVIE is coming along nicely, but my friends are clearly not actors. Getting them all together in one place is like herding cats made of jello. Whenever a shot has been taken perfectly, Willp will stand up and yell out 'I AM HE-MAN!!!' And Conner is no better: He swears SO much. It's for class, I keep telling him, but every time, he can't keep it together. Here's an excerpt from BAD MOVIE II.

Me: We have captured you! Prepare for a systematic interrogation routine that will crush your soul and reduce you to a scum-eating worm!!!

Luis: Any good news?

Me: You won't have to go through baggage claim!

Willp: YAAAAY!

On the subject of baggage claim, I'm going to England and France (aka The Fertile Croissant) over the summer, and I have no clue whether to do the full-body scan or the full-body pat-down. Either way, it's probably the only part of the trip I'm going to remember.

Bye!

Star Smores: Epic Load III: Rehash of the S***

Well, I'm very annoyed. The idiot math homework is incredibly dumb. I find it amazing that the guy who invented likelihood and probability was able to come up with a whole new math system, but couldn't figure out that the probability of him being detested by middle schoolers everywhere was about 1:1.

So, I was rooting through my secret boxes and evil compartments in my closet when I came across the dusty shoebox full of Star Wars characters that I collected when I was young and foolish. And I looked up some of the stuff on eBay--- and it's selling for double what I got it for. So, I plan on selling off my entire collection, except for some very, very rare things that even I, the least nostalgic person ever, could never part with.

<< Hmmmm... they say that someone with a larger lightsaber is compensating for smaller force capabilities. OH! NERD SLAM!

Anyway, this may be my last and final Star Wars related post. What a shame. No, actually, not really: I've been liking this whole franchise less and less recently. It was inevitable that I eventually try to capitalize off of my 'vintage Star Wars 1997 A New Hope Landspeeder with duel cockpits and whatever'. Oh, and if you want one of those, contact me at this number:

202-456-1111 HAHAHA! I LAUGH AT YOU IF YOU CALL THIS NUMBER!

In life, there are sometimes complete injustices. For instance, there's a website called ROTTEN TOMATOES that ranks movies based on critics' ratings using a tomatometer. Good movies get a red tomato, bad ones get a rotten green splat. Really good movies get a badge that reads 'Certified Fresh Tomatoes'. And no, I'm not talking about how the entire Star Wars series got red tomatoes-- I'm talking about how the Harry Potter series did. Wow. Just sad. I hate those movies.

So, in order to counterbalance the evilness of franchises like Star Wars and Harry Potter, I've decided to start an 'action figure' line of BAD MOVIE characters. My action figure has an inflating latex ego, while Willp's has an 'Epic Sword' toy and a Hypothalamus playset. In stores that are already filled with useless crap now!

Bye!

I'm So Angry, I Can't Even Come up With a Bad Pun

I have an official list of everything that's pissing me off. I would now like to vent it on the internet in reader-friendly paragraph form!

#1) There's a county in California called Orange County, which is even more conservative than Arizona. An officer of the GOP there (Marilyn Davenport) recently sent out a photoshopped picture of a family of chimps, with Obama's face on the baby. The picture had the caption 'Now we know why there's no birth certificate'. Oh, my god. This person is, by far, the dumbest person on the face of the Earth. Tea Partiers have the minds of underdeveloped six-year-olds who have been exposed to some sort of cranium-eating parasite. And I'm sorry for those of you with cranium-eating parasites attached to your heads. I was not trying to make light of your situation.

Anyhow, the most disgusting thing about this may be that this person wasn't fired immediately. Shows you the kind of thinking we're dealing with here, folks.

#2) Donald Trump has apparently dispatched some 'Private Investigators' to Hawaii to hunt down Obama's birth certificate. Trump released HIS birth certificate (for no apparent reason) to the press. Here is my belief: His hair is a cranium-eating parasite that has latched itself onto his head, and is now sucking out his grey matter.

#3) Some douchebag brought a BB gun to the gym locker room, so now we have to have the strange, gangly PE teacher watch us while we change. WONDERFUL. By the way, this guy is definitely on my list of least favorite people. He's a turd.

#4) My parents continue to ignore facts and not buy me an X-Box 360. And who agrees with them? Not anyone I know and most certainly not anyone I should trust. One of these guys is the 'Vice-Director of the Institute for Better Parenting'. WTF is that? Anything that has the words 'better parenting' in it can immediately be written off as something incredibly stupid.

Here's how technologically un-advanced my parents are: They have never had cable, they hardly know how to work an iPod, they can't tell the difference between an iPad and a Nook, they have never had a video game in their house, and now, because of the digital changeover, they don't even get TV reception. I think it's because their generation has never been able to keep up with technology. They say it's THEIR parents' generation that can't keep up, but that's not what Grandpa said on his podcast.

#5) On a less-aggrevating scale, Britain apparently considers itself to not be part of Europe. I just found that out. If that's not dumb, I don't know what is.

Bye!

<< I am very angry...

Good Willp Hunting

So, we have the basic script written for BAD MOVIE. And we have a pretty good plan for the 17 sequels, including BAD MOVIE IV: Good Willp Hunting and BAD MOVIE XII: Gone With the Willp. There's also BAD MOVIE IX: Free Willpy and BAD MOVIE XVI: Modern Willpfare. It's entirely epic. Here's the basic plot of BAD MOVIE.Willp is in detention for putting frogs in the school toilets when a time portal opens up and sucks him through. He lands in a nation called Turdistan, which is ruled by an evil despot (me). I have several evil things I deploy to try and stop the insurrection against my rule (which is led by my friend Luis), but even though I have the Hypothalamus and the Waffle-Copter (a helicopter with a waffle for a rotor), I ultimately die after Willp kills me with the EPIC SWORD. He also uses a time machine to go from the past to the future to gain knowledge of the present. There he meets Baron Tutweiller (my friend Riley), who challenges him to a game of Risk. As I said, it's a bad movie.

The best part is that I get to play, like, five parts. First, I'm Verticus Maximus, the dictator of Turdistan. Then I'm the Sequalizer. Then I'm my own twin brother, who is even more incompetent than Verticus Maximus. Also, I always get to wear an awesome 'stache.

Bye!

Swear Bear!

Here's something: I've been getting a lot of calls recently from telemarketers. Normally I wouldn't complain, since this gives me a chance to show off my telemarketer-thrashing skills. But these are different: The caller ID always says 'CALIFORNIA', and if you don't give the phone to who they ask for, they hang up immediately.

So finally, I lost it. They called up, and as soon as I picked up, I was practically mid-scentance. 'Listen up', I said. 'I don't know who you are or what sort of abandoned warehouse you're operating from. What I do know is that if you call us up again, I'll have the SWAT team down there tearing that place apart!' I hung up before I could hear their retort. Actually, now that I think about it, they might have hung up as soon as I got to the abandoned warehouse part. Oh, well. It felt good, though.

So, I'm starting a new poll. Remember, look over to your right on the top of the sidebar. It'll be good.

So, we started keeping a tally chart of all the times we say swear words in the house. Mom and Dad wanted to see which one of them cussed more and influenced my swearing most. As of now, Dad has 18, Mom has 8 1/2, and I have 2 1/2. Yeah, that's a fact.

I can be very restrained when I want to.

Bye!

Re-Hash of the Titans

Well, I did it: Over this nine-day break, I watched a movie every day. Logan's Run, Battle: LA, HELP!, V for Vendetta, Spinal Tap, Clash of the Titans, Cast Away, Catch-22, and Gattaca. But the one that undoubtedly stood out the most was Clash of the Titans. Now, I know that I usually say that movies are 'The Best Movie Ever' (Beverly Hills Cop, I, Robot, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Men in Black, Source Code, Paul, Independence Day, etc), but not this time. Clash of the Titans was officially the worst movie ever. I can't even begin to tell you how much it sucked.

It gave me a great idea, though: I'm making a movie. It's called BAD MOVIE: The Worst Movie Ever, as opposed to BAD MOVIE II: Revenge of the Sequalizer. I have all my friends in on it, and I'm already working up a script. I, of course, play the main evil guy (mainly because I get to wear an epic mustache), but also because I get to say the following lines:

Me: RELEASE THE KRAKEN!

Conner: Sir, we don't have a Kraken.

Me: Less yackin', more Kraken!

Conner: THERE IS NO KRAKEN!

Me: Then release the Minotaur!

Conner: We don't have a Minotaur.

Me: Hydra?

Conner: Nope.

Me: Well, what DO we have?

Conner: Why, we have The Hypothalamus!

Me: Of course! CHARGE THE HYPOTHALAMUS!!!

The hypothalamus, by the way, is a gland in your cerebrum. But maybe you already knew that. In BAD MOVIE, however, it's a gigantic laser death ray®.

Here's some more dialogue:

Bob: What's your name, private?

Tayler: Parts, sir! Jonathan Parts!

Bob: So... your name is... Private Parts?

Tayler: Sir, yes, sir!

Private Parts!

Aaah, fun. So, if you want to invest in BAD MOVIE, BAD MOVIE II, or BAD MOVIE III: The Worstestest Movie Ever, our lines are open! Just call 1-800-555-3413! And no, this has nothing to do with the fact that I also saw The Producers recently.

Bye!

<< The saddest thing about Clash of the Titans is that it unironically employs the tagline 'Titans Will Clash'.