Re-Hash of the Titans

Well, I did it: Over this nine-day break, I watched a movie every day. Logan's Run, Battle: LA, HELP!, V for Vendetta, Spinal Tap, Clash of the Titans, Cast Away, Catch-22, and Gattaca. But the one that undoubtedly stood out the most was Clash of the Titans. Now, I know that I usually say that movies are 'The Best Movie Ever' (Beverly Hills Cop, I, Robot, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Men in Black, Source Code, Paul, Independence Day, etc), but not this time. Clash of the Titans was officially the worst movie ever. I can't even begin to tell you how much it sucked.

It gave me a great idea, though: I'm making a movie. It's called BAD MOVIE: The Worst Movie Ever, as opposed to BAD MOVIE II: Revenge of the Sequalizer. I have all my friends in on it, and I'm already working up a script. I, of course, play the main evil guy (mainly because I get to wear an epic mustache), but also because I get to say the following lines:

Me: RELEASE THE KRAKEN!

Conner: Sir, we don't have a Kraken.

Me: Less yackin', more Kraken!

Conner: THERE IS NO KRAKEN!

Me: Then release the Minotaur!

Conner: We don't have a Minotaur.

Me: Hydra?

Conner: Nope.

Me: Well, what DO we have?

Conner: Why, we have The Hypothalamus!

Me: Of course! CHARGE THE HYPOTHALAMUS!!!

The hypothalamus, by the way, is a gland in your cerebrum. But maybe you already knew that. In BAD MOVIE, however, it's a gigantic laser death ray®.

Here's some more dialogue:

Bob: What's your name, private?

Tayler: Parts, sir! Jonathan Parts!

Bob: So... your name is... Private Parts?

Tayler: Sir, yes, sir!

Private Parts!

Aaah, fun. So, if you want to invest in BAD MOVIE, BAD MOVIE II, or BAD MOVIE III: The Worstestest Movie Ever, our lines are open! Just call 1-800-555-3413! And no, this has nothing to do with the fact that I also saw The Producers recently.

Bye!

<< The saddest thing about Clash of the Titans is that it unironically employs the tagline 'Titans Will Clash'.