Beck Forever After

Everyone, I'm glad you could come here today.

I'm glad you could join me... and unite against the menace that is without and within us.

Today, I will pummel your mind with the truth. I will knock you senseless. I will say things that will make you wonder how I feed myself. Prepare yourself, America.

Now, I've been doing some thinking. No, not the left-wing style of 'thinking'. I mean actual, down-to-Earth thinking. I've been reading some books, the age of which is signified by the dust I've so meticulously spread across them to make them look old. And I've come to a conclusion.

America is dying.

Follow me to the CONSPIRATRON 3000!!!

The truth is that, in the end, communists are trying to steal your cable news network from you, pundit by pundit. Are you going to let that happen? I sure hope not. Now, take a moment and look at what I've created here. We have what appears to be a somewhat steady flow of money, but between pure evil sects that want to eat you alive in front of your children.

Now, I didn't have enough room on my whiteboard to fill in some other connections, such as Al-Qaeda or the voices in your head. But I could get my point across using this small, erasable medium.

FOX is under attack. Not just by leftist marxist pundits of evil, but by much more sinister things, such as Bigfoot, or the monolith from 2001: A Space Odyssey. We have a serious problem. Now, I know right now you're thinking 'Graham, this is STUPID! Aliens can't influence our radio and television stations and subliminally control our minds!' Well, I never said I thought that was the case. I said I KNEW that was the case. Thinking implies uncertainty.

Now, I now this all sounds crazy. But ask yourself: Why is it that I'm the only one asking these questions? Interesting.

Now, ask yourself this too: How can Bigfoot and aliens control our brains? Using thought patterns that your so-called 'scientists' and 'researchers' and 'PHDs who studied for years to know all there is to know about the subject at hand' can't quantify.

I say again: We are under assault.

Will you let it happen?