Crimea River

Well, I've had an interesting weekend. On Friday, I was sick, so I stayed home from school (THANK THE GODS!). Of course, I had the common cold, which is the disease I've been studying since early January for the Disease Project... oh, irony is a cruel mistress. Anyway, I'm back in top health and I'm ready to be unproductive and write blog posts instead of doing that Spanish video I probably should have gotten around to... ah, well.

Our top story today is, of course, the ever-escalating situation in the Crimean peninsula in Ukraine-- er... Russia. Vladimir Putin has officially begun the annexation of the territory by sending in troops to occupy Crimea's pizza places, casinos, and strip clubs. Ukraine has recently ordered a troop withdrawal as the Russians seize naval bases and key strategic areas. Meanwhile, the G8 officially booted Russia out from their club, leaving them as merely the G7. Of course, Putin doesn't care... because in Soviet Russia, the president assassinates YOU!

This is all the result of an election last week that showed that 105% of Crimean voters wanted to join Russia. Although these results are disputed by some, they seem pretty legitimate to me. I mean, it's not like Putin sent thousands of KGB agents into Crimea to stuff ballot boxes and execute anyone who stood in their way, right? That's silly. The big problem here is that this is all moving a lot too fast for the taste of President Obama, whose Red Line, Deadline, and Pretty Please With A Cherry On Top strategies have all proven ineffective thus far. Meanwhile, Putin continues to seize land and ride around shirtless with his gymnast girlfriend. Seriously... I couldn't make stuff like this up.

She'll annex Ukraine... after annexing your heart.

So the big question is whether or not Obama will have to back down and sacrifice a little dignity in order to avoid World War III, or even worse... World War Z (seriously, that movie was crap). So is this the conflict that will finally lead to the long-awaited and much-anticipated sequel to the critically acclaimed World War II? I say no. This is much too silly a dispute to lead to a global conflict of such a major scale. Recently in human history, we've been figuring out how to avoid massive wars through diplomacy and the fact that any country, even FRANCE, is capable of reducing the entire planet to a nuclear wasteland. If we do have a World War III... it's going to be because of a certain fat man-child dictator invading another country using nuclear bombs made out of twigs and boulders.

So rest easy. Bye!

Pain & Gain in the Ukraine

Okay... it's been a while. See, whenever I give up on a website, I tend to give up on it slowly, and I have several relapses before I fully call it quits. I'm not quite ready to give up on this blog yet, because frankly, it's possibly the most awesome thing ever written in the history of ever. But at the same time, I didn't want to start posting here again just to once again stop suddenly, so I'll see if I can adhere to a strict blogging regimen. We'll see how that turns out. And hey, if you're bummed that I might stop posting here...

1) I CAN'T BELIEVE THERE'S SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY CARES THAT MUCH!!!
2) It's my blog, and in the words of Eric Cartman, "I DO WAT AH WAN!" Anyway, if you want to see what epic writing I've been undertaking in my absence, click HERE.

In the time I've been gone, a lot of important things have happened in the world... so let's see if we can't get a breakdown of whether the world has gotten better or worse since then.

• Nelson Mandela died. -5.
• "Twerking" became a thing. -5.
• The affordable care act was relaunched, and now I don't get to make fun of it. -10.
• Some idiots thought it was a good idea to debate about whether or not Santa was white. -25.
• A bunch of neanderthals in the NFL smacked each other around and did neanderthal things. -20.
• The Russian Olympics went well, and now I don't get to make fun of them. -10.
• Bridgegate. -5.
• The NSA continues to spy on Americans. -20.
• JUSTIN BIEBER MIGHT BE DEPORTED!!! +10,000,000!!!

Well, it looks like it averaged out to be a pretty good few months! Awesome! Okay, not really, because we've found ourselves in the midst of a bit of an international shitstorm this past few weeks with the ever-deteriorating situation in Ukraine.

  

So in Vladimir Putin's latest land-grabbing power-hungry shirtless bear-riding escapade, he has decided to swipe Crimea, that weird little lump of land sticking off the bottom of Ukraine in the picture, for Russia. Now honestly, I don't know why they want it. It's lame and stupid and shaped like a chicken mcnugget. But as always, after having the world tell us to stay out of world affairs for a few months, everyone's now asking us to intervene. Well, for God's sake, people. Go for a few months without some 'Murika and see how you fare. 

Anyway, Ukraine has threatened to cut off the gas lines from Russia that run through their country, but all of their threats have merely reflected off of Vladimir Putin's exposed nipples. Meanwhile, Putin has threatened to go all Joseph Stalin on them. Neither side seems to be giving any ground, so it's time for Obama to come in with a compromise that will make everyone equally disappointed! Yay! Seriously though, this is a very unstable situation that could devolve quickly into a bloody territory war... so I'm going to cover it extensively and sarcastically.

Bye!

Oot and Aboot

Oh hai readers! My 16th birthday was last week, and I'm happy as hell. Not because I had a party (I didn't, parties are lame), and not because of presents-- no-- I CAN NOW PROBABLY GET INTO R-RATED MOVIES WITHOUT PARENTS! Joy to the world! And it helps that I'm 6'3". Speaking of movies, by the way, Tut's Tutillating Reviews is coming along swimmingly, and I have a truckload of new reviews out, including a Halloween special: HORROR WEEK. My Ender's Game review is also up, so check all that out HERE.

Anyway, for my birthday my parents gave me A Clockwork Orange and Donnie Darko on DVD, which I shall now proceed to watch multiple times. Also received: A chunk of the Berlin Wall, a coffee mug, and a book entitled "The Disaster Artist," the story behind the making of the worst movie of all time: The Room. If you haven't seen this spectacular film yet, I highly recommend it. It is utterly mesmerizing in its ineptitude. If I judged movies purely on how much I enjoy watching them, that thing might be my favorite movie of all time.

But I made Tut's Reviews just so I could separate my incessant movie-related banter from this blog, so let's move on to something that will send my readership into free-fall: CURRENT EVENTS. Cower in fear, Americans, because this is a news story that will require you to know some geography! Now: With your dominant hand, point to the US on a map. No, higher. No, still higher. Okay, lower. Really, are you f**king kidding me? It's the one with the oddly shaped peninsula. The yellow one. Okay. Now, point to Canada. Jesus Christ, that's Russia. Point to the big red one. The BIG red one. Not India. ABOVE AMERICA. Kill me now...



Eh, you found them! Yes, foolish Americans, that's Canada. And that's where my top story takes place today: In Toronto (AKA America's ridiculous poofy hat), mayor Rob Ford has come under fire for smoking crack. Yeah, you heard right-- SMOKING CRACK. So it's time to unveil the official 2014 slogan for American politicians! "We tweet pictures of our junk, bang secretaries, fly to Buenos Aires to meet our mistresses, get our housemaids pregnant, and use taxpayer money to fund money-laundering schemes... but at least we don't smoke crack!"

The hilarious thing is that the guy hasn't even been charged with a criminal offense yet. You gotta love Canada. Also, there's a tape of him saying, slurred "I'm gonna f**king kill that guy... it's me or him brother" over and over again. All he had to say when asked about it was that he was "Clearly very, very, very intoxicated." Yeah, you don't say. Somebody's been hitting the ol' maple syrup too hard...

Bye!

East Beats West

I need to get the taste of Man of Steel out of my mouth, so today I'm gonna do something new and different: BLOG ABOUT ACTUAL NEWS. My top story comes out of Michigan, where authorities have received an anonymous tip that Jimmy Hoffa's body may be buried under a road in an intersection in the middle of nowhere. Hoffa, of course, was the teamsters union boss who went missing, and whose body was never found. Now, decades later, they're reopening the case.

I always thought that Hoffa just went back to his home planet, but apparently my conspiracy theories are being put to the test. It's the perfect place for a body, and if teamsters did it, they would have known when and where the road was going to be paved, giving them the capability to bury the body one day, and then see it covered in asphalt the next. So if you're ever in rural Michigan and find a teamsters union ring sticking out of the ground, call the f**king cops. First take the ring though, and then sell it on Pawn Stars.

Up next: According to Google News, the Taliban have agreed to enter peace talks with the US. And in Iran, the new president (replacing Mahmoud Ahmadenijanamananananaad) has said that he is looking forward to 'reforms.' These reforms being; women are now allowed to uncover their heads in public provided there's nobody around to see it, and enriched Uranium rods will be used instead of rocks in stoning.

In all cerealness, this is good news-- it looks as if the Middle East may be getting its act together. But I'm not too certain. Iran seems legit, as the new guy was duly elected... but the Taliban's offer sounds a little too much like the plot of Star Trek: Into Darkness, in which Khan gathers all elite military officers together in one room in order to blow them up. I doubt that the US military will overlook that possibility though, and will probably end up frisking the Taliban militants until they get REALLY pissed and declare an unending jihad on full-cavity strip-searches.

Unfortunately, a lot of people in the Middle East still think that this is our goal:


This is the proposed 'redrawing' of the Middle East, which would create a Kurdish state, as well as split Iraq into Sunni and Shiite factions. It's shit like this that gets us detested worldwide. Because even though this solution would probably benefit all involved countries in the long run (except maybe Pakistan), it's still a really big dick move to just go right in and say "Hey, your borders are here, here, and here. Deal with it." How would we feel if Iran invaded and declared that the US was now divided between North and South?

Quick aside-- if the US WAS divided between North and South, there would be an incredible exodus of sane people from the south to the north. We would take all the trees, drinkable water, clean air, 75% of national parks, and non-insane abortion laws. And Texas? If you ever want to secede again, don't let the door hit you on the way out. Are you gone? Good.

Quick, everybody, change the locks to the country!

So, will the Mideast peace talks end well? I am optimistic. Every religion goes through some crazy f**kin' shit around their 1,400 year mark, and Islam hasn't been any different. When Christians were 1,400 years old, they were crusading across the desert, allegedly killing and eating babies. It's never been proven, but I say teach the controversy.

Bye!

Here Comes the Gun

Whoo! I'm still winding down off my high horse after my epic rant about Baby Boomers last post. But I'm calm now. I'm calm-- GOD DAMN ASSHOLES CALLING US NARCISSISTIC?!?!?!? Okay, NOW I'm calm.

I'd like to take the chance now to talk about something a little less inflammatory: GUN LAWS! Yaaay! As you may recall, a few years ago a revolutionary new device called the 3-D printer was built by some geniuses in Silicone Valley. Once completed, the machine was able to take blueprints of any 3-D object off the internet, and place hundreds of layers of plastic on top of each other until it created the actual 3-dimensional object itself. Seeing how much I despise 3-D movies, I went into this with much skepticism. But when my 7th-grade math teacher demonstrated his to our class, I knew it was pretty legit.

But, as with all new technologies, someone has found a way to kill people with it. A conservative action group recently posted blueprints for a make-your-own 3-D gun on their website, so now anyone with a 3-D printer can download the specs, print off the pieces, and assemble their own DIY gun in the comfort of their own home. This Old House must be so proud.

Now, there is a law against all-plastic guns in the US, seeing as they are impossible to detect with metal detectors and can therefore be brought onto planes and into government buildings quite easily. But the creators of the gun, codenamed 'The Liberator', have skirted this law (but just barely) by including one piece that has to be purchased at a hardware store: A metal pin for the gun's hammer. Of course, you could just print off your own plastic pin to your own specifications, and no one would be the wiser. You would then be in possession of an all-plastic, undetectable, unregistered firearm with no way of being tracked or located. Bravo!



Yes, it looks stupid, but The Liberator fires actual bullets. So... should all the sane people in the land start panicking? I say no. Sure, The Liberator can be smuggled through any standard checkpoint, but it's virtually useless (unless you use it to beat someone to death) without the metal bullets that will set off any up-to-snuff metal detector. Also, it's still far easier in this gun-crazed nation to just buy your own gun-- even illegally and with no serial number.

You see, 3-D printers are still in the prototype stage, meaning the average one costs roughly $5,000. Besides that conspicuous price tag (which is noticeably far above the cost of a handgun), they also take a good amount of manual-reading and time to learn how to operate correctly. So don't worry-- if someone wants to get an untraceable gun, they don't have to print it off online; they can just buy one from Vinnie, that guy who sells unregistered revolvers.

Sleep well tonight. Bye!

The WAH, WAH, WAH Generation: Baby Boomers Are Lazy, Apathetic Narcissists Who Would Rather Blame Their Kids for Their Problems than Solve Them. Why They're a Giant Pain in my Ass

I had the incredible good fortune of taking a history test on Friday, and I aced it. Why, you ask? Because half of the test was on naming countries in Europe. Technically, we were only supposed to fill out the map with a minimum of 25 countries, but I did all 50 on the map and their capitals. So yes, it was a good day. I know how to map. Seriously, ask me any capital. Samoa? Apia. Slovenia? Ljbljana. Uzbekistan? Tashkent. Hmm. These are far less impressive in print format.

Yet not everybody of my age group seems to be as enlightened as myself-- case in point: TIME magazine just released their latest issue-- and it casts some pretty wide generalizations on us millennials. Take a look.



I hope that TIME realizes the massive opportunity they missed out on here. We're really more of the meme generation.

Anyway, if you can't read it, the caption reads "Millennials are lazy, entitled narcissists who still live with their parents." Two things: Firstly, yeah, some of us live with our parents. Us slack-off 15-year olds who do nothing but mooch off of mom and dad instead of renting our own apartments and getting a f**king job. God. So selfish.

And secondarily, WHAT THE FRIGGIN' SHIT, TIME? I'm sorry, but I'm pissed. Do they know what they sound like? "Oh, you kids today with your shorts and your t-shirts! Back in my day, we worked 10 hours a day tilling the backyard to grow SQUASH!" News flash, old people: Every generation looks on the next with disdain. And they're never right. I'm sure my grandparents thought my parents were 'undisciplined youths' for listening to The Beatles and opposing the war in Vietnam. And I'm sure THEIR parent's generation looked on THEM, wondering what the big deal with... Frank Sinatra was. I don't know what was popular back in the 40s.

But you call US lazy and selfish? Hey, baby boomers-- maybe instead of calling us names just because you had to ask your kids to set your phone up for you, you should try to solve some of the mind-blowing problems you've left us with. I don't know, like... global warming, unemployment, inflated college admission prices, a couple of wars, national debt, a growing nuclear crisis across the world, and the death of Futurama. I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

And yeah, some of us are lazy assholes who listen to Justin Bieber and fiddle with our iPods every second of every day, but why single them out? Are you guys just so appalled by the breadth of your own shortcomings that you decide to take it out on a whole generation before they even have a chance to prove themselves? It boggles the mind.

Sorry if this seemed confrontational, but I get up in arms whenever somebody tries to unfairly blame a kid for something just because we're conveniently lacking in power/lobbying capacity in this country. Maybe that should be our next civil rights movement-- letting kids vote. Actually, forget that: I'm forming a MILLENIAL LOBBYING ORGANIZATION!!! So that whenever a young person in this country is persecuted and maligned, we can seek out and sue the offending party. Remember that kid who was arrested for wearing an NRA t-shirt to school? We got his back. That kid in Virginia who was expelled for mixing two non-potent chemicals in science class? Her lawsuit is our lawsuit.

Now it's sounding less like the Millenial Lobbying Organization and more like the Millenial Justice League of America. Still, totally awesome.

Bye!

The Conspirafication of the American Punditscape

I am in dire need of finding a good laptop. Summer is coming up, and I need a bigger screen to watch movies on all night instead of my iPod. Just think: I'll reach over to my library of DVDs (including but not limited to: Raiders of the Lost Ark, Die Hard, The Big Lebowski, Pulp Fiction, The Good The Bad and The Ugly, Kill Bill, Lawrence of Arabia, The Hangover, LA Confidential, and The Terminator), pop one into the disc drive, and... aaaah... two hours of total bliss.

Of course, I don't want to get into a hassle like last time. You may remember from back in November, when I bought an $80 laptop, which promptly broke two weeks later. Good call, Graham. Way to not spring for the warranty. But that's what you get when you buy fourth-hand electronics from the random stoner at your school.

But my problems seem a little inconsequential compared to what the IRS has been going through this week. So let me walk you through the more important points of the scandal that has been rocking the government: Back in 2010, there was this thing called the "Tea Party." You probably don't remember it, no one really wants to. Anyway, it has recently come out that the Internal Revenue Service made specific efforts to target Tea Party and other right-wing groups for audits and extended background checks.

This really is a toss-up for me, because it pits two groups I hate against each other: Warmongering right-wingers and tax collectors. And given the songs 'Taxman' and 'Give Peace a Chance', The Beatles weren't big fans of them either. But I have to admit that the IRS did have probable cause here: If a group of people protests in the streets over taking back the government and staging a tax revolt, why wouldn't you be more inclined than usual to inspect their tax returns? And besides, I wouldn't trust these people to do fourth-grade multiplication problems, let alone calculate their tax returns. But now the great government conspiracy has come out, and all the teabaggers are up in arms, talking about being 'oppressed.' This is the part where nobody cares.

Or at least, it should be, but now all the right-wing conspiracy theories are being brought out into the limelight. The attack on the US consulate in Benghazi is STILL being discussed, and people are saying that it was a 'massive intelligence failure' or that the president knew about it, but didn't do anything because he's a socialist muslim Kenyan... whatever. I can't even remember the entire thing.

The funniest part of this is that the senators who are 'investigating' Benghazi are the same people who said that "George W. Bush kept us safe; there were no major terrorist attacks on US soil for almost all of his presidency!"

Right... except for that one time.

So instead of these two massively hyperbolic Republican fantasies getting the ostracization they deserve (and yes, I just coined the word ostracization), they are being broadcast 24/7 on all the major news networks. And so right now there's probably some racist southern hick guzzling Pabst Blue Ribbon, eating KFC, and waving a Confederate flag while watching CNN and yelling "AH KNEWED IT! AH KNEWED IT! ISSA CONSPIRACY! I HATES GUBMINT!!!"

Before this post delves into my 1,001 reasons why I hate the south, I'm cutting myself off. And yes, I could EASILY think of 1,001 reasons. Hey... that would make a great blog post. Anyway, in closing, I would love to deliver you some fantastic news: In the season finale of How I Met Your Mother, we friggin' meet the mother. Which is weird, seeing as I just called for this five days ago. Someone at CBS is reading my blog.

Bye!

Gunshy

Well, four months after Newtown, it's finally happening. Two senators have declared that they're putting through bipartisan gun law reform. Unfortunately, this comes in the wake of a stabbing in Texas, where some nut stabbed 14 people at his community college. So now we're going to have to get restrictions on knives as well.

As much as I support gun control, I can't imagine so-called 'bipartisan' reforms having any impact on our gun laws. Republicans have already killed the assault weapons ban, and they're still crusading against background checks. What kind of messed-up country do we live in where you can't marry who you want, but you can stockpile 'cop-killer' bullets?

Disheartening as it may seem, crazy people will find ways to kill people no matter what restrictions we have on them. So why not start looking for background checks on knives as well? And while we're at it, why not Bibles? I saw John Dies at the End last night, and DAMN, that book's able to do some DAMAGE!



Sarcasm aside, the real key to preventing s**t like this is finding crazy people when they're young and getting them help. OR, we could annex some island, like Trinidad or something, and make them all live there. Then the rest of the world could send all their cuckoo maniacs there as well, and they could live out their days throwing coconuts at each other while we enjoy some peace and quiet. Only problem is, they might not all fit on one island.

And here's a fascinating (and true) point made by some pundits out there: The Newtown shootings could not have been prevented with background checks on guns. The shooter obtained his weapons from his mom. So now should we not allow people who KNOW mentally ill people to have guns?

Of course, there are countless other mass killings throughout the history of the US that could have been prevented with more gun laws... so now everyone's arguments are being turned around and twisted like pretzels. And back to the point I was making earlier-- I don't want to have to waste time at school while teachers give PowerPoint presentations on suicide and homicide in an effort to identify 'at risk' students. It's a colossal waste of my time.

The unfortunate reality of the matter is that there may be no good way to prevent things like this from happening. Like I said, crazy people will find ways to kill other people no matter what. Now all we're doing is trying to lower the body count. Yeah, depressing, I know.

If you want a pick-me-up, rent John Dies at the End. I won't spoil it for you, but it's pretty awesome. Today's Doodlebook quote: #9: Cheaters never prosper, unless they're subtle about it, in which case they can live quite comfortably.

Bye!

Revolutionaries III: One Egg is Un Oeuf

Yeah, I'm still doing this, settle down. I'm reporting from 1776 to tell you that the people of the past are F**KING DICKS. Remember those Mexicans I picked up on the way to Philly? They tried to kill me, and they took my time machine. So now I'm stuck, with no awesome Chevy Camaro to take me around. I have, however, stowed away on a French ship leaving New Orleans and heading for New York, so it's all good. Now I need to find a way to get BACK TO THE FUTURE!!! Ah... I love typing those words.

Today's school truth: #5: The internet is the root of all evil. It will distract you using everything it's got. True dat.

The French are nice enough people, but they keep thumbing their noses at me and telling other people that their muskets are inferior to theirs. So at the end of the day, nothing's changed for 237 years. 

The Frenchies here do possess some pretty advanced weaponry, however-- their rifles are capable of being dropped to the ground in surrender in 0.06 seconds.

 

The outer thirds of the French flag can be detached in case of emergency surrendering.

Anyway, it looks like the Mexicans will be taking my car to Mexico City, probably to turn it into a low-rider... I'm so screwed. Or they won't know how to put in the gas and have to push it the last 1,000 miles. So maybe I'll have the last laugh.

I'll be able to write soon about my first visit to New York. Until then, I'll have to duck around the ship, faking a French accent and fighting scurvy.

This was a mistake.

Bye!

Revolutionaries

I should explain the weird typeface... in fact, I should explain a lot of stuff. I've been pretty pissed off at lawmakers and America in general the past couple of days (see my previous post, WHYYYYoming), so I've decided to do something drastic. Yeah, I built a time machine. And I've traveled back to 1776. Why? I'll f**king tell you why. Because while Republicans and Democrats bitch and moan about how the founding fathers are really on their side, I figured SOMEone has to find out themselves. And as always, the task falls to me.

So, this is an exciting point in time, right? WRONG. There's nothing here but grassy hills and bogs. I'm pretty much ready to go home. And if you're wondering how I'm writing this blog post... well... shut up. Because plotline. And they have typewriters now. I think.

I usually write about the news when I post s**t on this blog, but I have no idea what's going on in 2013, do I? But I also have no idea what's going on in 1776. I'm pretty sure that I'm somewhere in California, which is a problem. I need to get from one side of 'Merica to the other. Which is actually fine, seeing as my time machine is really a modified car. No, not a DeLorean. It's a 1969 Chevy Camaro. 



Yeah, THAT'S MY CAR.

Unfortunately, it doesn't get very good gas milage, so I'm probably going to have to push it past Texas. Unless anyone knows any good gasoline substitutes readily available in 1776, like whale oil or Benjamin Franklin's hand lotion. Sigh... I'm done. Today's school truth: #3: I never met a test I had to study for.

Kind of moot now though, seeing as I have to either drive down to Mexico or try to cross the high Sierras with a Camaro. Now that I think about it, I should have driven across the country and THEN traveled back in time. You live and you learn...

No matter what, though, I'm gonna get to the east coast. And then PUNDITS BEWARE!!! We'll just see who's right about what!

Good day!

The Confeders**t States of America

Remember about a week ago when I wrote a post called Mississippi Unchained, about how that backwards-ass sodsucking hick state just NOW ratified the 13th amendment? Well, the south is at it again. In Shelby County, Alabama, some jackass decided that the Voting Rights Act, which guaranteed  the right to vote for minorities, has no place in the 21st century. His argument? 'Racism is gone.'

Never, ever tell me that there is no racism in America. I will flip f**king s**t. Just be prepared; for I am about to swear more in this one blog post than all of my others combined. So, now that you've been warned, we can begin.

F**K THE SOUTH. Mississippi, Alabama, South Carolina, Arkansas, and DON'T GET ME STARTED ON GODDAMN GEORGIA. These are places where being a fat f**king bastard is 'genetic', but being gay is a 'lifestyle choice.' And sure, maybe there are some people in these states who aren't RACIST HICKS, but they never get to go on TV and dispel the stereotypes that the media has perpetrated about them, do they?

Name a state in the south, and I can tell you some way they've discriminated against minorities. Arkansas was home to The Little Rock Nine, a group of nine black students who integrated Little Rock High School, and who were subsequently threatened with death 24/7. Texas has been organizing gerrymandering tactics for years in order to redistrict the state and disenfranchise minorities. And South Carolina... is... home to that guy who said he was in love with a f**king horse. HOW CAN YOU PEOPLE TOLERATE MAN-HORSE LOVE AND NOT MAN-MAN LOVE??? You f**king people...


One day, when Texas brings up secession for the 10,000th time, we should just LET 'EM GO. And see how long they last before their whole society collapses. Son of a bitch... I'm just done... this is the last straw...

Because, you see, the Voting Rights Act is basically a punishment. We're telling the south "You're a bunch of racist douchebags, and we can't trust you to treat other people equally. So we're going to have to watch you extra-carefully to make sure you don't F**K OUR VOTING SYSTEM UP!!!" It's like babysitting a toddler... who yells racial slurs at people of different ethnicities. You have to make sure that you don't let them out of your sight for just a second, or they'll do some irreversible damage to your house. Or, in this metaphor, your country.

So, anyway... f**k it... I'm done trying to reason with these people. They think that just by the fact that we elected Barack Obama again, racism is dead in America. But by that same virtue, Alabama voted 73% for Mitt Romney, so... how is this argument supposed to work again?

GOOD-F**KING-BYE.

Mississippi Unchained

Wow, I'm blown away right now. According to various news outlets (CNN, Stephen Colbert), Mississippi has finally signed into law the 13th amendment. You know, the one that abolishes slavery. So apparently, for the past 150 years, slavery has been legal in Mississippi.

This means that Alabama is the only state left where slavery is legal. The US government has tried to intervene, but they were surprised to discover that Alabama seceded from the union in a rider attached to a farm bill in 1997. But in all seriousness, this is an historic event-- Most people thought Mississippi would wait a full TWO centuries to sign this into law, just to be absolutely sure about it. But now Mississippi looks like the most progressive state in the south. Graham Vert

You see, the amendment was GOING to become law in the state back in 1995, but the proper paperwork wasn't filed. And I guess the clerical nightmare just continued for 18 consecutive years. Wow... all that red tape... thanks a LOT, Obama.


Mississippi's community organizer is seen above in a recruiting poster.

This is far and away more ridiculous than the time we realized that North Dakota was not technically a state, seeing as it hadn't actually ratified the constitution. But at the end of the day, I'm proud of Mississippi. Now the US is the SECOND TO LAST COUNTRY to abolish slavery. The last holdout, of course, is Mauritania in western Africa. But nobody cares about that, apparently.

In fact, the issue was brought to their attention when the movie Lincoln came out, making the people of Mississippi question whether or not they had actually ratified the amendment. I'm just surprised they didn't do this when O Brother Where Art Thou? came out. If that movie doesn't make you question your racist beliefs... nothing will.

Anyway, stay tuned for my review of Silver Linings Playbook, and more information on random states with stupid laws. I think prohibition is still in effect in Utah.

Bye!

The Blahvengers

I've been exhausted all week, all because I went to see World Party perform in San Francisco on Wednesday. I bought a t-shirt and ate a whole pizza, so it was pretty awesome. Oh, and the music was good too.

If you live on Earth, you've probably heard a lot of talk about the US 'Fiscal Cliff' recently, but probably don't know what it is. I don't either, and I'm not one to talk about things I don't understand, so you won't be getting any information from me.

HA! I'm just pullin' your leg. Of COURSE I talk about things I don't understand. I'm an American. Anyway, the fiscal cliff is the US's self-imposed deadline to create a budget plan for the next year. If the plan isn't passed, it will almost inevitably trigger a new recession. So, why haven't we gotten a budget passed yet? Well, you have John F**king Boehner to thank for that. Although the Obama administration has given him several possible courses of action, he's laughed them all off.

Enter... THE SUPERCOMMITTEE!!!

Yes, the Supercommittee, whose job it was to create a bipartisan compromise between both Republicans and Democrats. I know, I know--- they were going up against incredible odds. And yes, they failed in a spectacular way that almost guaranteed box-office success.

Anyway, it's probably going to come down to 11:59 on the day of the deadline before they reach a compromise. Kind of sounds like me when I write an essay. Hey... maybe I'd make a good senator!

Bye!

A Falafel Turn of Events

Tuesday is over, and the five-day Thanksgiving break I have has begun. I am in heaven, or I would be if I didn't have to write a script for Drama, read a play for Drama, watch a play for Drama, read a book for English, and memorize a poem for English. Yeah, high school sucks.

The violence in Israel has continued for a week now, and it may be winding down. But personally, I doubt it. In 100 years, people may look back on this as the beginning of some massive war in the Middle East. And I am DONE taking sides.

Seriously. All those damn middle eastern countries are on their own as far as I'm concerned. America may be the world's greatest superpower, but we cannot be expected to be the world's police. If a country wants us to help out with something like a minor ethnic cleansing problem, sure, we'll send aid. But we shouldn't let ourselves be dragged into another World War.

With the exception of Iran, I couldn't care less about the Mideast. They are going to end up blowing each other up over whose imaginary friend is better. It sickens me. People talk about how religion has helped the world grow and expand, as if humanity couldn't have figured that out without it. But wake up, people: Religion has done far more harm than good, and it will continue to do so until someone realizes that this ridiculous crap is not worth killing each other over.


You know, the US has always been on Israel's side this whole time, but I think the time for taking sides is over. The only way we can get both sides to sit down and talk this s**t out without stabbing each other is if neither side feels like the other has a superpower ally to control everything with. And both Israel and Palestine have legitimate beefs. On the one hand, Palestine was just a regular, nonchalant little country until someone said "Oh, actually, you're part of Israel now. And your government, that's gone. And the international community won't even bother helping you as you go for decades without basic human rights."

But Israel... oh, poor, poor little Israel. Are we really going to let ANOTHER bad thing happen to Judaism? You would think that the international community wouldn't have a problem with giving the long-oppressed Jewish people a miniature little strip of land to call their own. But NOOOOOO!

Anyway... I'm done. Not to mention how truly AWFUL both sides are being to each other. It's horrific. If this is the beginning of a new major global conflict, I wouldn't be surprised.

And on that happy note, bye!

PS-- This is my first blog post on my brand-new laptop. Okay, slightly used, but you get the idea. Eighty bucks from some guy at school. AAWWWW YEAHHHH!!!

Pollmaster General

A genius idea occurred to me in Science class today. We were sitting there, talking about other planets and why things weigh less or more on them, and it hit me: We should build a fat camp on the moon. Stupid fat people would go there, weigh themselves, and think that it had worked. It's an ingenious idea that would:

A) Move all the fat people to another planet.
B) Restore faith in our space program.
C) Make the US billions of dollars in revenue from stupid fat people trying to get skinny.

It's a foolproof plan. And the best part? We would keep them there for, like, a month. Then we would bring them back to Earth on a shuttle, and then they would realize that they had actually GAINED weight! Then they'd sign up for it again. It's a self-sustaining cycle of stupidity that could make us billionaires.


But I can't waste this entire blog post on a Moon Fat Camp, so I'll devote the rest of this mildly interesting post to something for more important: THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION!!!

As you may know, recent polls have found that Obama and Romney are virtually tied in almost all of the major swing states, meaning that we now must face the small yet real statistical possibility of the presidential election being tied. No, that doesn't mean that it'll come down to one guy in Barn Muffin, Ohio. It means that the ELECTORAL COLLEGE, the retarded system that we still use to decide the outcome of elections, might be split evenly.

It'll take a perfectly even split: The overall electoral votes of every state is 538 (you'll notice that that's an even number). Therefore, the idea we've been rolling with for 200 years is false: An election will not always be decided immediately. 270 is the magic number for a national majority, and it means that whoever gets 270 electoral votes or more wins automatically. But we could have a 269-269 split, where neither candidate gets the presidency.

But wait, there's more! If that were to happen, the House of Representatives would vote on which candidate becomes president. There's just one problem. Instead of every Representative getting a vote, every STATE gets a vote. This means that, although the House is assembled by population number, Wyoming's single congressman would get the same number of votes as all of California's.

You can just see that, can't you? The idiot would walk up to a mirror and say "Well, thank you all for coming. Let's get started. As you know, we are required to vote on the President of the United States. All for Romney say 'aye'. AYE! Well, that was conclusive! Romney wins by a stunning 100%!"

That means that, just because of the arbitrary lines in the sand that represent the state's borders, the dozens of crappy, underpopulated red states would outvote the few, highly populated blue states. But in an even more complex scenario, consider this: There are 50 states. Which means that there could conceivably be YET ANOTHER TIE! In a horrific situation like this, the Speaker of the House would become 'acting president' until the chambers could get their s**t together.

And what would the senate be doing meanwhile, you ask? They get to vote on the VICE president. Meaning that we could end up with President Romney and Vice President Biden. I'm sure we'd get stuff done then! And, of course, there are 100 senators, meaning that there could be another tie.

If something like this DOES happen, there will only be one upside--- Maybe we'll finally get around to reforming the ludicrous 18th century processes we have in place right now. But until then, who cares!

Bye!