The Stan With the Plan

So, here's a thing: Apparently, Kazakhstan has decided that they're finished with being a stan and want to change their name. According to the president of Kazakhstan, the suffix "stan" has gained a negative connotation over the years, because the neighboring countries of Uzbekistan, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan, and Kyrgyzstan are riddled with poverty and caked in mud, while Pakistan and Afghanistan are famously war-torn and may or may not harbor known terrorists. Kazakhstan is the most economically developed nation out of the seven stans, and they want to change.

THIS. IS. BULL. The Seven Stans have been my favorite group of countries for quite some time now. It's difficult to decide on a favorite, but I'd have to say Uzbekistan because of its quirky personality and the fact that they put a record twelve stars next to their Islamic crescent on their flag. Nearly everything these poverty-stricken nations have done together has been a truly seamless blend of many different styles of violence, chaos, and semi-rusted Soviet tanks. So in memory of the Stans, let's think back through their impressive discography.

Although many say that the definitive work of the Stans has to be the Russian invasion of Afghanistan, I personally find that the best moments of this great group came when individual Stans took the wheel and gave us their own #1 hits. The megalomaniac dictator Niyazov of Turkmenistan is truly one of the world's all-time best dictators, but unfortunately millions of people have yet to hear of this lesser-known human rights tragedy (despite pleas from thousands of Turks who urged the international community to really consider checking it out). Today, most people consider this to be one of the most underrated dictatorships in world history, but some still claim to "Not understand it" and never return to it again. Tasteless Americans.



I liked them before they went mainstream.

Then there's the ultimate Stan moment in my opinion, when the Stans first came together right as the Cold War ended-- a situation that immediately created Kazakhstan, Uzbekistan, Turkmenistan, Tajikistan, and Kyrgyzstan. Man, what a great group. There's Kazakhstan, the leader. Uzbekistan, the popular one. Turkmenistan, the cute one. Tajikistan, the quirky one. And Kyrgyzstan, the quiet one. Bringing in Pakistan and Afghanistan for a few sets really rounds out their atrocities, I think. But all this would not have happened if Russia hadn't stopped oppressing them and started letting them oppress themselves for a change.

I mourn the disillusion of this spectacular arrangement of extremely talented nations. Fortunately though, all is not lost. If Kazakhstan bows out, the other Stans will undoubtedly pick up the pieces only to blow them to smithereens once again. It's totally lame that Kazakhstan has now become "too cool" for them, but hell, I never liked Kazakhstan that much anyway. Maybe this will allow Kazakhstan to expand and grow as a nation, even releasing some solo works to build on what it accomplished with the other Stans. And the fab four that are left over have been hinting at possibly performing some smaller atrocities and genocides at unannounced locations in the region.

Bye!

Not Another Hurricane

My blogging routine has been somewhat sparse as of late, but I have a valid excuse-- my school is absolutely hectic. There's a new project every week, and I can barely begin to keep up. And it doesn't help that my group members, although funny, are often absolutely incapable of buckling down and working. In my new group, one guy spent a whole 90-minute period drawing penises on Microsoft Paint while I built our whole website. And in the last project we did (a report on a country that was chosen for us at random), it was no better. We had to keep a journal that was written from first-person, and described what daily life would be like in our country (Afghanistan), written from the point of view of a Kabul native. Here's a few choice selections from my group member's journal entries. Now, bear in mind: These were written very crudely, so any translation errors are not my fault. But I think I've pretty much conveyed the message (if any) behind them. Take a look:

• "There is to many suicide bomers in afghanistan we need to cleanse the entire country of these horrid taliban theyh ave to stop attakking us and let us build a better country for the people so we can finally have peace in tuis country and stop being the playground of war"
• "This is very good in my eyes the more womans rights the better and more womens rights expand the closer we are coming to becoming a country of peace"
• "this is ecxiting to me we are going to get the things we need for football i feel this is empowering as to say there football leader was proud to be in afghanistan in my country im going to go play right now"

Great stuff. Powerful and emotional. And before you say "Hey, this is mean, he may have a mental disability," three things: Firstly, although he is absolutely insane, he is no vegetable. Secondly, I didn't mention his name. And thirdly, he told me to put these on my blog (which he reads). So I'd like to take this chance to give a big shout-out to my former group member, just in case he reads this! Sir! You are the philosopher king! So many questions remain unanswered, o wise one! Such as... why did you not capitalize Afghanistan? What is the meaning of the word "ecxiting?" Why is there no punctuation at the end of your sentences to signify the conclusion of a phrase? Oh, I'm sure that scholars will debate this for ages!

Wow, this went on way too long. But I really needed to vent about this... and it's also pretty hilarious. Seriously, I could eat a bucket of Scrabble tiles and crap out a sentence more coherent than these. 

But in other news, there's a hurricane that just hit the Philippines (it took me way too long to figure out how to spell that correctly), and here's a big news flash for everyone: THIRD-WORLD COUNTRIES ARE REALLY, REALLY SHITTY! So my class is having a drive to raise $2,000 to help the people there, and unlike most things my school sponsors, I actually think I might contribute to this. So I'm going to pitch in fifty bucks, partly because I'd feel guilty not doing it when I just got approximately one buttload of money for my birthday, and also because... y'know... it might save someone's f**king life.

   << Also, this.

Interestingly enough, the only country in the world that isn't represented at least occasionally in Miss World pageants is Vatican City (which, thinking back, I should have guessed). But amazingly, there's been Miss Iran, Miss Uzbekistan, and even Miss North Korea. Anyway, now that I've guaranteed a lot of traffic for my blog, I'll leave this story behind. But people-- send some money to The Philippines (this time it only took me three tries to spell correctly!). And don't send it through some anonymous, faceless donor that will probably pocket a lot of that cash for personal gain... like Vertco. 

Oh, and as a follow-up to last post's story-- Toronto mayor Rob Ford has been declared "Mayor in Name Only" by the council of The Illuminati Toronto. So no, crime doesn't even pay in Canada, proving once again that moving to Canada is a bad idea. But before this blog post turns into the 1,001 reasons why I will never move to Canada (I don't know if I could fit them all into that few), I shall sign off. 

Bye!