The Stan With the Plan

So, here's a thing: Apparently, Kazakhstan has decided that they're finished with being a stan and want to change their name. According to the president of Kazakhstan, the suffix "stan" has gained a negative connotation over the years, because the neighboring countries of Uzbekistan, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan, and Kyrgyzstan are riddled with poverty and caked in mud, while Pakistan and Afghanistan are famously war-torn and may or may not harbor known terrorists. Kazakhstan is the most economically developed nation out of the seven stans, and they want to change.

THIS. IS. BULL. The Seven Stans have been my favorite group of countries for quite some time now. It's difficult to decide on a favorite, but I'd have to say Uzbekistan because of its quirky personality and the fact that they put a record twelve stars next to their Islamic crescent on their flag. Nearly everything these poverty-stricken nations have done together has been a truly seamless blend of many different styles of violence, chaos, and semi-rusted Soviet tanks. So in memory of the Stans, let's think back through their impressive discography.

Although many say that the definitive work of the Stans has to be the Russian invasion of Afghanistan, I personally find that the best moments of this great group came when individual Stans took the wheel and gave us their own #1 hits. The megalomaniac dictator Niyazov of Turkmenistan is truly one of the world's all-time best dictators, but unfortunately millions of people have yet to hear of this lesser-known human rights tragedy (despite pleas from thousands of Turks who urged the international community to really consider checking it out). Today, most people consider this to be one of the most underrated dictatorships in world history, but some still claim to "Not understand it" and never return to it again. Tasteless Americans.



I liked them before they went mainstream.

Then there's the ultimate Stan moment in my opinion, when the Stans first came together right as the Cold War ended-- a situation that immediately created Kazakhstan, Uzbekistan, Turkmenistan, Tajikistan, and Kyrgyzstan. Man, what a great group. There's Kazakhstan, the leader. Uzbekistan, the popular one. Turkmenistan, the cute one. Tajikistan, the quirky one. And Kyrgyzstan, the quiet one. Bringing in Pakistan and Afghanistan for a few sets really rounds out their atrocities, I think. But all this would not have happened if Russia hadn't stopped oppressing them and started letting them oppress themselves for a change.

I mourn the disillusion of this spectacular arrangement of extremely talented nations. Fortunately though, all is not lost. If Kazakhstan bows out, the other Stans will undoubtedly pick up the pieces only to blow them to smithereens once again. It's totally lame that Kazakhstan has now become "too cool" for them, but hell, I never liked Kazakhstan that much anyway. Maybe this will allow Kazakhstan to expand and grow as a nation, even releasing some solo works to build on what it accomplished with the other Stans. And the fab four that are left over have been hinting at possibly performing some smaller atrocities and genocides at unannounced locations in the region.

Bye!

The 2012 G-force Coverage of the Republican Presidential Race: Part Three: Oh, the Hermanity!

Newt Gingrich is such a bad person.

Someone had to say it. When he was asked a question the other night about his ex-wife (who he left when he found out she had cancer), he didn't answer the question. Instead, he embarked on a long, monotonous egotistical power play in which he railed against the debate moderator for opening with the question. It is now official; mark the date. This is the day that South Carolina 'family values' voters cheered the most disgusting human being on the f***ing face of the planet.

But it's not just South Carolina. In other debates, the audience has booed a gay soldier and cheered at the thought of a hypothetical man's uninsured death. If ANYONE has a credible explanation for this phenomenon, please step forward.

Stephen Colbert's epic last-minute campaign in South Carolina seemed to have no effect. As it was too late for him to get onto the ballots, he decided to run under the assumed name 'Herman Cain' (no relation).

<<< Herman Cain

He held a rally in South Carolina just before the primary and you'll never guess who showed up-- No, not Ozzy Osbourne. Herman Cain.

<<< Herman Cain

The guy has practically redeemed himself. After Colbert (sorry, Herman) has made fun of him for almost four months now, Cain (the other one) got up there with him and didn't even punch him out. They even sang a really crappy song together.

But Cain will never live down the day he crossed Uzbekistan.

Never.

Bye!

Vermin Cain

CAUTION: CONTAINS COLORFUL LANGUAGE

If you watched The Daily Show a few nights ago, you may have caught a certain reference to one of my favorite countries. Jon Stewart played THIS clip of Herman Cain. In it, the interviewer asks Cain if he's ready for the 'gotcha' questions, such as 'Who's the president of Uzbekistan?' Cain then proceeds to say he doesn't know and doesn't care. Then he refers to the country as Uzbekibekistanstanstan. I have just one thing to say to him.

F*** you. I know, I know, I could have phrased that in a kinder way. But really, this is a massive disappointment. I keep trying as hard as I can to actually LIKE one of the Republican candidates, but they all just keep screwing themselves over. Over the past few polls, six different people, including Donald Trump, have led the Republican polls for president. Here's the breakdown of the major players:

Mitt Romney: If I had to choose one person to play a president in a movie, it would be Mitt Romney. If you opened up a box labeled 'PRESIDENT', Romney would be inside. It's too bad that his Romneycare has made him liked more by Democrats than Republicans. That's a no.

Michelle Bachmann: I was open to the idea of a Bachmann presidency up until I found out her husband runs a clinic that is supposed to 'de-gayify' gay people. No on Bachmann.

Rick Santorum: He seemed okay, up until I heard about his fanatical stance on abortion and his nutty napkin metaphors. Nope.

Rick Perry: Oh, yeah, we need another Texan governor as president.

Ron Paul: My personal choice for the Republican nomination up until he talked about health care, saying he would just let coma patients die.

Herman Cain: He seemed very promising, especially because it would prevent people from saying that only racists hate Obama. I was even willing to overlook his questionable qualifications (he was the CEO of Godfather's Pizza). But I'm sorry, Herman--- you've messed with the wrong Uzbekistan lover!!!

As you may remember, my goal a few months back was to get my blog read in a country that ends with 'stan'. I randomly picked Uzbekistan, and devoted an entire post to the famously unknown country, hoping some nice Uzbekistani would come across my blog. Well, Herman, Uzbekistan's president is ISLAM KARIMOV!!! Its capital is Tashkent, and it has a population of roughly 30,000,000 people!!!

I just rattled those facts off the top of my head. And because Uzbekistan read my blog twice after that, I am one of the Uzbekistani people's best friends! Oh, and by the way, Uzbekistan supplies the US with a massive amount of aid in the war on terror.

And many other Uzbekistan lovers have decided to speak up, as you may have seen in the comments on the aforementioned video.

So, Herman-- you just PISSED OFF millions of people in central Asia. I hope you're happy, you Uzbekistan-hating sonofabitch!

Bye!

Indiana Jones and the Raiders of Uzbekistan

Well, I have some fantastic news. Actually, I have TWO pieces of fantastic news.

Remember my cliffhanger? Well, here's the scoop: Indiana Jones #5 is in production, and Harrison Ford says he doesn't care if Indy dies! This is incredible. Of course, none of us want to see Indiana Jones die, but we can't leave the franchise off with Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Now, they're still throwing ideas around, so let me make my submission for the Indiana Jones 5 title. Are you ready?

Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Temple of the Last Crystal Skull.

And my second announcement--- I am declaring Operation Uzbek Storm a success! As you may or may not remember, my goal was to have my blog read in a country that ends with '-stan'. So, I picked a random stan country (Uzbekistan) and devoted an entire blog to Uzbekistan-related topics. Well, I was read in Uzbekistan TWICE yesterday, along with Sri Lanka and Peru! So, because this was such a resounding success, I'm going to do it with all the countries that my blog has not yet conquered. First stop-- Mauritania! Expect Mauritania's post in a few blogs!

And I'm gonna go see Rise of the Planet of the Apes today (hopefully the movie is better than the title), so look forward to another movie review. Bye!

Uzbekistan

So, I was looking at my blog's country stats (showing how many times each country has read my blog), and I noticed that the 'Stan' family of countries was conspicuously absent. In the interest of being read in a 'Stan' before the year is out, I picked a random 'Stan' country (Uzbekistan) to devote this post to. Hopefully, blogging about Uzbekistan-related topics will encourage someone from Uzbekistan to visit my blog. So the rest of this post will be devoted to me, speaking directly to Uzbekistan.

Disclaimer: I got all the following information off of Wikipedia.

Hey, Uzbekistan! How are things going with the Aral Sea? It's really a shame that it's drying up.

But enough about major ecological disasters-- How's the province of Qashqadaryo Viloyati? I'm sure it's great, as always. Hey, I'd like to congratulate you on being a member of The Commonwealth of Independent States! And before that, you were an province of the Soviet Union! Very nice.

Now that I've warmed up to you, I've got to say something--- you have to cut back on your religious intolerance. Just because an estimated 96.3% of your population is muslim, that doesn't mean your government has to ban all religious activities not approved by the state. You don't have to get rid of all the intolerance overnight, just set a reachable goal and meet it, and you'll feel like you accomplished something.

Moving on, I notice that besides Lichtenstein, you're the world's only doubly landlocked country! That's very... YAWN... fascinating.

You're somewhat famous in sports, too--- You're home to the cyclist Djamolidine Abdoujaparov! How exciting!

So, how about geography? I notice that a massive chunk of your landmass is taken up by the Kyzyl Kum desert! And your highest point is Khazret Sultan, a mountain standing 15,233 feet above sea level!

On to politics: How's it going with President Islam Karimov and Prime Minister Shavkat Mirziyayev? I see Karimov has been your president since you declared independence from the Soviet Union in 1990. And I understand that Mirziyayev was the governor of the Jizzakh Province before he became PM.

Well, I guess I'd better wrap this up, because my regular readers are learning more about Uzbekistan than they ever cared to know. Bye!

PS: Good to know that Osama bin Laden wasn't hiding in Tashkent after all!

<< Scenic Uzbekistan