Game of Drones: Episode III: Drone.com

My school is just incredibly surreal. It's pretty bad. Literally, every day I get out of bed now and say to myself "Okay, there's no way life could get any weirder." And then I go to school... and somehow it does. I have had to put up with a militant PE teacher who insists on calling frisbees 'discs' and has an 'integrity fetish', a mentally challenged poetry 'consultant' who spent a whole class showing us unbelievably horrible videos like THIS one, a math teacher who sends people to the office for asking questions, and a science teacher with absolutely no social skills whatsoever. Not to mention the students, who have had long conversations about dead babies, personalized bongs, murder, insanity, and some of the most perverse shit known to man. I honestly don't know how much longer I can take this before I lose my mind. Thank God for winter break... but first I have to put up with finals.

The good news is, my maps went over well at school. And that's a good thing, because if they hadn't, I would have set the field on fire. They took me 18 hours, and by the end I was seeing cross-eyed and had a splitting headache. I literally had an out-of-body experience where I watched the entire room dissolve into dust, then spin down a whirlpool. I think I need to get some sleep.

But sadly I can't sleep well tonight, because Amazon.com has just announced a program for package delivery via drone. So I'm a little afraid that my recent order of five DVDs could get mixed up, and result in me being firebombed in my sleep. But this could actually be a really positive development: Obama can now trade Amazon some drones in exchange for a working website! OOOH! PRESIDENTIAL BUUUUURN!!!



Oh, he's got such a good sense of humor about these things.

This is just another example of how modern technology is passing the postal service by. I mean, Amazon has drones, and the USPS has only just now started delivering packages via catapult. Ridiculous. But honestly, does this not seem a little suspiciously reminiscent of The Terminator? I mean, who's to say that SkyNet won't take these drones over when it gains sentience, and use them as kamikaze fighters that blow up your house? I mean, they already know where you live...

Isn't technology awful? It's just... separating us... and all interpersonal relationships will soon be gone. It's so sad OH MY GOD I'M SOUNDING LIKE MY ENGLISH TEACHER. Shit! I need to go home and rethink my life...

Bye!

Game of Drones: Episode II: Attack of the Drones

I performed my skit today for my class, and it was pretty damn good. I yelled in a German accent as my stage persona (Dr. Heinz Vanhousin) and was forced to sing a spoof of Bohemian Rhapsody about monoculture farms and apple GMOs. You can only imagine the witty one-liners we coined with this. Things like "An apple a day keeps the DOCTOR AWAAY!!!" and "I vill be ze invincible apple baron of ze WORLD!" Shakespearian, I know.

Also, I have more cause to celebrate, because G-Force just passed 16,000 hits, now averaging 500 hits a month. For a blog with no ad content, no funding, no employees, no reporting, no investigative journalism, no aesthetic design, and probably plagiarized images that could lead to copyright infringement lawsuits, that's pretty damn good. Did I mention that this is also written by a 15-year old?

That's all gonna change, though. I'm outsourcing the writing of these blog posts to a guy in Mumbai who will read all my former blog posts, then write his best guess at the insightful commentary that I would make and that you've all grown accustomed to. Big time saver for me, I know.

Speaking of insightful commentary, here's a news story just BEGGING to be made fun of. For the first time since the beginning of the drone program, the government has taken full responsibility for accidentally killing someone. The catch? The people killed were four Americans.

      

Yeah, I didn't make that graphic. In retrospect, it was stupid of me to assume that no one else would think of this pun.

Anyway, Eric Holder announced today that the government was taking responsibility for the strikes, and Obama himself declared that drone strikes would be 'limited' now. Well, s**t. After countless civilians in Afghanistan are mercilessly bombed with hellfire and brimstone from the sky, the thing that makes the government do an about face on the issue is the deaths of four AMERICANS? HA! It would be funny if it weren't so tragic.

And what exactly do they mean by 'limit'? This drone program was the first blatantly militaristic army ego-trip that I could really GET BEHIND, and now they're 'limiting' it? I mean, say what you will about drones and their accuracy, but normally no more civilians are killed in a drone strike than in a typical foot soldier attack. The only difference is that one situation doesn't put Americans in the line of fire.

I suppose that, like with the A-Bomb before them, the drones have rendered the whole "Sending your army to fight another army to see whose is better" thing kind of quaint. Again, not necessarily a bad thing. And think about the number of combat-ready soldiers we have already! I can't wait to see the army admissions forms in a few years!

• HAVE YOU PLAYED CALL OF DUTY: MODERN WARFARE?

YES___   NO___

• HAVE YOU PLAYED BATTLEFIELD 4?

YES___   NO___

• HAVE YOU PLAYED CALL OF DUTY: MODERN WARFARE 2?

YES___   NO___

If you answered yes to any of the questions, congratulations! Here's your assignment number and joystick. You start tomorrow.

Bye!

Game of Drones

I went on a long-ass field trip today, and it was pretty boring... at least up until our resident bumbling idiot fell out of a tree. Somehow, that made sitting on a bus for two hours all worthwhile. Also, we got to see a bunch of pigs on a farm and yell "BAAAAACOOOOON!!!" at them.

But I could really care less about what I did today, because I just saw the MOST F**KING AWESOME THING I'VE EVER SEEN on the internet today: The government has created a prototype hummingbird drone. Yeah, that's right. A DRONE that looks like a HUMMINGBIRD. This is some next-level s**t. Now Obama can be peeking in yo' windows and snatching yo' people up.

A lot of people have been questioning the legality of drone warfare, but I'm all for it. In the future, national heroes won't have run into combat guns blazing; they'll be some asshole in his mom's basement in Pasadena who subcontracted out to the military. Of course, to take someone out via drone, they first have to be declared an enemy combatant. But you can REALLY stretch the definition of 'enemy combatant.' Graham Vert


Case in point: This week, some people tried to get the Tsarnaev brothers, the pair who bombed the Boston marathon, dubbed as ECs. Which is really dumb, seeing as we have literally no evidence that they acted on the urging of terrorists or because of their own geopolitical/religious beliefs.

But speaking of the bombers, for some reason, a few congressmen have said that the bipartisan immigration reform bill currently on the floor should be looked over again... because the bombers were Chechnyan. Seriously, that's the only reasoning they gave. You know, while we're at it, let's just not allow any Chechens into the US. Is that a good idea? Plus, let's keep out all the Japanese... they bombed us at Pearl Harbor. And we shouldn't allow British people in, because they fought us in the Revolution.

Bye!