East Beats West

I need to get the taste of Man of Steel out of my mouth, so today I'm gonna do something new and different: BLOG ABOUT ACTUAL NEWS. My top story comes out of Michigan, where authorities have received an anonymous tip that Jimmy Hoffa's body may be buried under a road in an intersection in the middle of nowhere. Hoffa, of course, was the teamsters union boss who went missing, and whose body was never found. Now, decades later, they're reopening the case.

I always thought that Hoffa just went back to his home planet, but apparently my conspiracy theories are being put to the test. It's the perfect place for a body, and if teamsters did it, they would have known when and where the road was going to be paved, giving them the capability to bury the body one day, and then see it covered in asphalt the next. So if you're ever in rural Michigan and find a teamsters union ring sticking out of the ground, call the f**king cops. First take the ring though, and then sell it on Pawn Stars.

Up next: According to Google News, the Taliban have agreed to enter peace talks with the US. And in Iran, the new president (replacing Mahmoud Ahmadenijanamananananaad) has said that he is looking forward to 'reforms.' These reforms being; women are now allowed to uncover their heads in public provided there's nobody around to see it, and enriched Uranium rods will be used instead of rocks in stoning.

In all cerealness, this is good news-- it looks as if the Middle East may be getting its act together. But I'm not too certain. Iran seems legit, as the new guy was duly elected... but the Taliban's offer sounds a little too much like the plot of Star Trek: Into Darkness, in which Khan gathers all elite military officers together in one room in order to blow them up. I doubt that the US military will overlook that possibility though, and will probably end up frisking the Taliban militants until they get REALLY pissed and declare an unending jihad on full-cavity strip-searches.

Unfortunately, a lot of people in the Middle East still think that this is our goal:


This is the proposed 'redrawing' of the Middle East, which would create a Kurdish state, as well as split Iraq into Sunni and Shiite factions. It's shit like this that gets us detested worldwide. Because even though this solution would probably benefit all involved countries in the long run (except maybe Pakistan), it's still a really big dick move to just go right in and say "Hey, your borders are here, here, and here. Deal with it." How would we feel if Iran invaded and declared that the US was now divided between North and South?

Quick aside-- if the US WAS divided between North and South, there would be an incredible exodus of sane people from the south to the north. We would take all the trees, drinkable water, clean air, 75% of national parks, and non-insane abortion laws. And Texas? If you ever want to secede again, don't let the door hit you on the way out. Are you gone? Good.

Quick, everybody, change the locks to the country!

So, will the Mideast peace talks end well? I am optimistic. Every religion goes through some crazy f**kin' shit around their 1,400 year mark, and Islam hasn't been any different. When Christians were 1,400 years old, they were crusading across the desert, allegedly killing and eating babies. It's never been proven, but I say teach the controversy.

Bye!

Game of Drones: Episode II: Attack of the Drones

I performed my skit today for my class, and it was pretty damn good. I yelled in a German accent as my stage persona (Dr. Heinz Vanhousin) and was forced to sing a spoof of Bohemian Rhapsody about monoculture farms and apple GMOs. You can only imagine the witty one-liners we coined with this. Things like "An apple a day keeps the DOCTOR AWAAY!!!" and "I vill be ze invincible apple baron of ze WORLD!" Shakespearian, I know.

Also, I have more cause to celebrate, because G-Force just passed 16,000 hits, now averaging 500 hits a month. For a blog with no ad content, no funding, no employees, no reporting, no investigative journalism, no aesthetic design, and probably plagiarized images that could lead to copyright infringement lawsuits, that's pretty damn good. Did I mention that this is also written by a 15-year old?

That's all gonna change, though. I'm outsourcing the writing of these blog posts to a guy in Mumbai who will read all my former blog posts, then write his best guess at the insightful commentary that I would make and that you've all grown accustomed to. Big time saver for me, I know.

Speaking of insightful commentary, here's a news story just BEGGING to be made fun of. For the first time since the beginning of the drone program, the government has taken full responsibility for accidentally killing someone. The catch? The people killed were four Americans.

      

Yeah, I didn't make that graphic. In retrospect, it was stupid of me to assume that no one else would think of this pun.

Anyway, Eric Holder announced today that the government was taking responsibility for the strikes, and Obama himself declared that drone strikes would be 'limited' now. Well, s**t. After countless civilians in Afghanistan are mercilessly bombed with hellfire and brimstone from the sky, the thing that makes the government do an about face on the issue is the deaths of four AMERICANS? HA! It would be funny if it weren't so tragic.

And what exactly do they mean by 'limit'? This drone program was the first blatantly militaristic army ego-trip that I could really GET BEHIND, and now they're 'limiting' it? I mean, say what you will about drones and their accuracy, but normally no more civilians are killed in a drone strike than in a typical foot soldier attack. The only difference is that one situation doesn't put Americans in the line of fire.

I suppose that, like with the A-Bomb before them, the drones have rendered the whole "Sending your army to fight another army to see whose is better" thing kind of quaint. Again, not necessarily a bad thing. And think about the number of combat-ready soldiers we have already! I can't wait to see the army admissions forms in a few years!

• HAVE YOU PLAYED CALL OF DUTY: MODERN WARFARE?

YES___   NO___

• HAVE YOU PLAYED BATTLEFIELD 4?

YES___   NO___

• HAVE YOU PLAYED CALL OF DUTY: MODERN WARFARE 2?

YES___   NO___

If you answered yes to any of the questions, congratulations! Here's your assignment number and joystick. You start tomorrow.

Bye!

Death From Above

Okay, is it just me, or should Iron Man 4 be in North Korea? Here's the plot: Robert Downey Jr. (not Tony Stark) is on vacation in South Korea, but he's kidnapped and taken across the border by North Korean agents. They bring him to Kim Jong Un, who orders him to build the Iron Man suit to his specifications (shorter, squatter, fatter). Downey says no, telling Kim that it's just a movie, which angers Kim even more. So he says that the suit must be built by the end of the week or he'll kill him. Fortunately, Downey has studied the suit on-set, and is able to build one and escape overnight, in the process destroying North Korea's only supermarket. He flies back to America, eats cheeseburgers, and freedoms all over the place while Kim cries into his pillow. Now that his people are starving, he orders a nuke strike on US soil, but Robert Downey Jr. foils his plot by sewing $100 bills into an enormous missile net circling the globe. The day is saved, and Kim Jong Un commits seppuku.

In other words, I'm TOTALLY PSYCHED ABOUT IRON MAN 3!!! WOOO-HOOO! After the astronomical disappointment that was A Good Day to Die Hard, I need a new movie to rally around, and this looks like it's gonna be it. You may have noticed that I haven't been reviewing many movies lately, but that's because my parents have become addicted to Breaking Bad.

It's been a slow news week. How do I know? The headline on Friday's issue of The Week was about Margaret Thatcher's death. When the headline of my favorite magazine is about one person-- 1 F**KING PERSON-- dying, it's a slow news week.

...OR IS IT? Buried deep in my weekly source of news, I found this headline: A LASER BLASTER TO PROTECT THE NAVY. That's right. Friggin' lasers. Apparently, a $40 million prototype laser has been installed aboard an assault ship in the Persian Gulf, which uses triangulated energy to burn holes in s**t. And we're STILL LOSING WARS. Christ...

But do you know what this means, people? We are just a few years away from having laser blasters instead of crappy revolvers and shotguns. That's a whole NEW game for the NRA to play. And within a few decades, who knows? Dare I say it...?



THE FRIGGIN' DEATH STAR!!! OH MY GOD LASERS!!! PEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEW!!!

I'm kind of hyper right now, but you have to admit that this is amazing s**t. Unfortunately, the White House has already struck down a petition to build the Death Star, citing the estimated $60 trillion price tag. So now I'm announcing my candidacy for President of the United States in 2016. And I promise you now-- within my first 100 days in office, we will have a comprehensive plan to build a Death Star to strike fear into the hearts of our enemies.

Bye!

UNhelpful

Aaargh... the blogger website has changed the format of the blog post-creation page. I have no idea what I'm doing. Honestly-- I'm staring at a bunch of buttons and feeling utterly lost. This is not a good thing. I do not respond well to change. Once, my favorite coffee place changed the upholstery on their barstools, and I sat in a corner for a week. I'm very frightened.

Not only this, but I can't figure out how to change it BACK. Seriously, there's something wrong with that. But I KNOW that there's a button I could click on SOMEwhere in the byzantine labyrinth of the blogger website that could get my old settings back. Until then, well, I'm screwed.

But let's not allow this to tarnish what could otherwise be a perfectly serviceable and entertaining blog post: Mitt Romney, the man of a thousand opinions, is still losing traction with whites, blacks, latinos, asians, inuits, koreans, organ donors, farmer's daughters, men, women, transvestites, gays, straights, southerners, northerners, easterners, westerners, and... everyone. He's losing traction with everyone.

Anyway, both the Romney campaign and the Obama campaign are in Ohio today, seeing as Ohio is without a doubt the union's most important state. Not only is it the most populous and the largest, but it also has a rich and fascinating history that the candidates could use to their advantage. That's called sarcasm, by the way. Write that down.

Really, I find it interesting that Ohio holds such power over the presidential election. Not only does it have a picture of a f***ing wheat crop on its seal, but it also gets to vote first in the PRIMARIES! This needs to end. From now on, we're taking turns by population number. And who's up first... OH! That's us! CALIFORNIA!

Meanwhile, in OTHER news, the annual United Nations meeting was this week, meaning we got to sit through another delightful 'Death to the Great Satan, Israel, and Nicki Minaj' speech by the world's favorite sociopath, Mahmoud Ahmedinijad, a title he claimed after the death of Mummar Qadaffi. Which means it's time for the UN to break out the BIG BOOK OF REALLY HARSH RHETORIC!!!   And sanctions, more sanctions.

Something tells me that, if Iran and Israel end up in a battle to the death, historians will look back on this time in human history the same way today look back on WWI. If this starts WWIII, it will be the most mind-bogglingly pointless war of all time, beating out Korea, The War of 1812 (seriously? You guys couldn't come up with a better name?), and Afghanistan. And over what? Religion. Basically, it's a bunch of grown men yelling at each other "My imaginary friend is better than YOUR imaginary friend!!!" It boggles the mind.

But then again, I neglect to mention all the atheists who end up killing each other over who believes in God less... oh, right that never happens.

And the biggest problem I have with Iran is that, if they do attack Israel, they say they will also attack US military bases in the region. And by 'the region', they mean Earth. I dunno... but if I end up being drafted when I turn 18 to go off to some godforsaken desert 500 miles from the ass end of Nowheresville, I will either flee to Canada or gouge my eyeballs out with an ice pick.

Bye!

Modern Snorefare

I've finally figured out what's wrong with America these days.

We've finally run out of things to blow up.

Sure, we've got countries like Iraq, Afghanistan, and Libya that we can 'bomb some sense into', but no easily defined enemy. I think it all started when we invented the atom bomb. Once we could extinguish millions of lives in a split second, the whole idea of battling another country's army to see whose was the best seemed kind of old-fashioned.

Fortunately, we were able to innovate around the problem by creating wars on inanimate objects and abstract concepts! Match the person to their personal war:

A) Michelle Obama 1) War on fictional war on Christmas

B) Tipper Gore 2) War on Communism

C) The Reagans 3) War on Global Warming

D) Bill o'Reilly 4) War on Drugs

E) Al Gore 5) War on Terror

F) George W. Bush 6) War on Music Lyrics

G) Capitalists 7) War on Obesity

I'll give you the answers a few blogs from now. Bye!