The Conspirafication of the American Punditscape

I am in dire need of finding a good laptop. Summer is coming up, and I need a bigger screen to watch movies on all night instead of my iPod. Just think: I'll reach over to my library of DVDs (including but not limited to: Raiders of the Lost Ark, Die Hard, The Big Lebowski, Pulp Fiction, The Good The Bad and The Ugly, Kill Bill, Lawrence of Arabia, The Hangover, LA Confidential, and The Terminator), pop one into the disc drive, and... aaaah... two hours of total bliss.

Of course, I don't want to get into a hassle like last time. You may remember from back in November, when I bought an $80 laptop, which promptly broke two weeks later. Good call, Graham. Way to not spring for the warranty. But that's what you get when you buy fourth-hand electronics from the random stoner at your school.

But my problems seem a little inconsequential compared to what the IRS has been going through this week. So let me walk you through the more important points of the scandal that has been rocking the government: Back in 2010, there was this thing called the "Tea Party." You probably don't remember it, no one really wants to. Anyway, it has recently come out that the Internal Revenue Service made specific efforts to target Tea Party and other right-wing groups for audits and extended background checks.

This really is a toss-up for me, because it pits two groups I hate against each other: Warmongering right-wingers and tax collectors. And given the songs 'Taxman' and 'Give Peace a Chance', The Beatles weren't big fans of them either. But I have to admit that the IRS did have probable cause here: If a group of people protests in the streets over taking back the government and staging a tax revolt, why wouldn't you be more inclined than usual to inspect their tax returns? And besides, I wouldn't trust these people to do fourth-grade multiplication problems, let alone calculate their tax returns. But now the great government conspiracy has come out, and all the teabaggers are up in arms, talking about being 'oppressed.' This is the part where nobody cares.

Or at least, it should be, but now all the right-wing conspiracy theories are being brought out into the limelight. The attack on the US consulate in Benghazi is STILL being discussed, and people are saying that it was a 'massive intelligence failure' or that the president knew about it, but didn't do anything because he's a socialist muslim Kenyan... whatever. I can't even remember the entire thing.

The funniest part of this is that the senators who are 'investigating' Benghazi are the same people who said that "George W. Bush kept us safe; there were no major terrorist attacks on US soil for almost all of his presidency!"

Right... except for that one time.

So instead of these two massively hyperbolic Republican fantasies getting the ostracization they deserve (and yes, I just coined the word ostracization), they are being broadcast 24/7 on all the major news networks. And so right now there's probably some racist southern hick guzzling Pabst Blue Ribbon, eating KFC, and waving a Confederate flag while watching CNN and yelling "AH KNEWED IT! AH KNEWED IT! ISSA CONSPIRACY! I HATES GUBMINT!!!"

Before this post delves into my 1,001 reasons why I hate the south, I'm cutting myself off. And yes, I could EASILY think of 1,001 reasons. Hey... that would make a great blog post. Anyway, in closing, I would love to deliver you some fantastic news: In the season finale of How I Met Your Mother, we friggin' meet the mother. Which is weird, seeing as I just called for this five days ago. Someone at CBS is reading my blog.

Bye!

Game of Drones

I went on a long-ass field trip today, and it was pretty boring... at least up until our resident bumbling idiot fell out of a tree. Somehow, that made sitting on a bus for two hours all worthwhile. Also, we got to see a bunch of pigs on a farm and yell "BAAAAACOOOOON!!!" at them.

But I could really care less about what I did today, because I just saw the MOST F**KING AWESOME THING I'VE EVER SEEN on the internet today: The government has created a prototype hummingbird drone. Yeah, that's right. A DRONE that looks like a HUMMINGBIRD. This is some next-level s**t. Now Obama can be peeking in yo' windows and snatching yo' people up.

A lot of people have been questioning the legality of drone warfare, but I'm all for it. In the future, national heroes won't have run into combat guns blazing; they'll be some asshole in his mom's basement in Pasadena who subcontracted out to the military. Of course, to take someone out via drone, they first have to be declared an enemy combatant. But you can REALLY stretch the definition of 'enemy combatant.' Graham Vert


Case in point: This week, some people tried to get the Tsarnaev brothers, the pair who bombed the Boston marathon, dubbed as ECs. Which is really dumb, seeing as we have literally no evidence that they acted on the urging of terrorists or because of their own geopolitical/religious beliefs.

But speaking of the bombers, for some reason, a few congressmen have said that the bipartisan immigration reform bill currently on the floor should be looked over again... because the bombers were Chechnyan. Seriously, that's the only reasoning they gave. You know, while we're at it, let's just not allow any Chechens into the US. Is that a good idea? Plus, let's keep out all the Japanese... they bombed us at Pearl Harbor. And we shouldn't allow British people in, because they fought us in the Revolution.

Bye!

Boston Gets Jacked

STAR Test, Version 1, World History: CFCHCFDHCHDGDGAHBJAGDJCHDGDHCHDF
CFDGCFBHBGBHCJCFDFCGCHCFDJBHDGCGDF!!! Yowza!!! And we're STILL not done with this bull crap! As always, I guarantee nothing about these answers, but they should get you a good grade. Or maybe I'm just f**king with your head... MWAHAHAHAHA!!! And here's Earth Science Version 1: CCHDJDJAJAFBHAHAGDFBGDJBHBHAGDHAFCHDHDGDGCGCH
CGAHCJDGDFBJBJCFCGDHCF!!!

God, this is so pointless... but the STAR Test is over anyway, so it's not like these are worth jacks**t. But there have been a few unusual developments in the past 24 hours that are really quite disturbing, and I'd like to turn your attention to them. Remember the Boston Marathon bombing? I assume you do, as CNN simply won't let you forget it. But the Boston CTU has located the suspects.

Apparently, two brothers knocked over a convenience store, then proceeded to steal a guy's SUV. When the guy refused to get out, they told him that they were behind the bombs, and shouldn't be f**ked with. And so ensued the greatest car chase that the city of Boston has ever seen, up until the older brother was shot, taken to the hospital, and eventually died. His bro, however, is still at large, but police think that they've cornered him in a house in Watertown.


In other words, it's 24: Season 9 over there, complete with ludicrous plot twists, shoot-outs, and suspiciously stereotypical villains. These guys are from Chechnya, which is a part of Russia near the Caucus Mountains that wants to secede. So I think we can rule out any kind of political terrorism, seeing as neither Chechnya nor the US are very big fans of Russia.

However, what did catch my attention about this was the fact that Chechnya has a high Muslim population, and that the brothers' parents are both highly practicing Muslims. So now everyone's assuming that Muslims have blown us up... AGAIN. I'm not going to say either way, partly because I don't want to cast generalizations, but also because (if this is really a continuation of 24), there's probably going to be a final plot twist in the season finale where these guys are just pawns, and the real villain is the president's wife. At least, that's the way it was in Season 2.

But that's not the only TV show connection I can make about recent events. Remember the ricin poison that was mailed to Obama? That same s**t was used in Breaking Bad to kill Tuco and Gus (although it didn't quite work either time)... NOPE! NO SPOILERS!!! So now we know who we're looking for: A scowling, angry bald guy. Which narrows it down to practically everyone in that show.

Bye!

Ricinister

Today's STAR Test answers are for the Geometry 9th Grade Version 2 test: BFCFBHBFAJBJCF DFDGAGAJCGDHDFJHDJBJCGAHDGAJAGCFAHBHDHDFDHAGAJBGAGBFDH
CFB!!!!!! I sincerely hope that you people appreciate the lengths I go to in order to give you these. Maybe someone out there will read this, find a pattern, and I'll be able to kick back and relax while taking the STAR Test from now on.

But moving on, there's apparently been a break in the Boston bombing case. Seeing as no one has yet claimed responsibility for the attack, it's clearly not Al Qaeda or anything like that. And someone looking suspicious was caught on video camera where the bomb went off. By 'looking suspicious', of course, we mean wearing a hoodie, holding Skittles®, and black. Oh, never mind... this isn't Florida.

However, there's been another case of domestic terrorism-- someone mailed ricin-laced letters to a Mississippi senator and President Obama. Ricin is a toxin derived from the castor oil plant, and is poisonous if inhaled, injected, or ingested. At least that's what Wikipedia says. I, for one, hadn't heard of this s**t until today. But someone out there has been busy, and they're apparently targeting our marathons and virtually unknown senators.


Oh, yeah, and the president...

And do I think that these attacks are linked? F**K YEAH! It's been, what, four years since anything major like this happened, and then both of these attacks occur within a three-day time period? HA! Coincidence? Yes.

I wonder if anyone ever bothers to read the letters that these guys send in. They might say something interesting. Or maybe they just put them under those metal domes and blow 'em the f**k away. No matter what they did, the letters never reached Obama; the anthrax scare about a decade ago took care of that. Now all the letters are screened somewhere in Virginia. So you wonder why these people even bother.

Bye!

Boston Massacre

Whenever my history teachers lead off the unit on WWI, they begin it by saying "Now we're gonna talk about the stupidest event in human history." And I'm kinda starting to see why. According to my badass history teacher, it all started because some guy killed the Archduke of Austria-Hungary. Fan-f**king-tastic. And so then 250,000 people died to gain one mile in trench warfare.

This is the only unit that my friend Calvin will end up getting an A on, mainly because he suffers from a clinical addiction to Call of Duty: Zombies. My friends and I already know all this stuff anyway, because it's happening in the background of EVERY VIDEO GAME WE'VE EVER PLAYED.

But speaking of death and destruction, two bombs went off at the Boston Marathon today, killing two people. You know what that means-- TERRORISTS!!! Yep, everyone's blowing this all out of proportion (no pun intended... seriously... that's awful) and saying that some radicals from Afghanistan, Pakistan, or Idon'tgiveaf**kistan blew up the marathon. So, two things: First off, if we want to find out who did this, we just look at the marathon's records and find out who came in second last year.

At the end of the day, the silver medal is just another way of saying "Really? You wasted your childhood for this?"

And secondarily, if this actually WAS a terrorist attack, why would they blow up the marathon? Do they want to destroy America by making sure we're out of shape? If they had a bomb, why wouldn't they put it in a place like a town hall or something? So many questions that need to be answered!

Honestly, people are probably overreacting to this. But I could be wrong-- maybe a radical Shiite Muslim terrorist from Algeria somehow got it through his head that planting a bomb in the Boston Marathon would further his cause. But as I said, I doubt it.

But there's another big story today: IT'S TAAAAX DAAAAAYYYY!!! So mail your s**t, or the IRS will show up at your front door in a few days with assault rifles and that torture rack from Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back.

Bye!