New Crap III

Well, it's that time of year again... when I start screwing around with my blog's layout. Yes, yet again I have altered the title of my blog. This time, I included three characters from three respective stories I've been working on, Hysteria, California, and The Bloodstained Lion. From left to right, the characters are Lou Phoenix, Nate California, and Bloodstain Joe. I know... this makes literally no sense to those of you who stumbled across this blog randomly. Actually, it probably doesn't make any sense even to those of you who do, because I haven't told anyone about this shit. So here's the rundown of my new title, if you care.

Lou Phoenix is the main character in Hysteria, a black comedy about high school. He has a heart problem (you can see the heart monitor in his hand) and an increasingly bad life, but maintains his positive outlook on things. As you may have guessed, a lot of hilarious moments from Drake High School have made it into this story. Eventually, Lou starts a movement called Phoenix Rising to overthrow his school... but no spoilers.

Nate California is the main character in California (no shit). He's an Iraq war veteran who has the uncanny ability to switch off his moral compass at the snap of a finger, a skill he gained from witnessing the horrors of war, as well as a terrible experience in the desert that he refuses to talk about. After returning home, he uncovers a sinister plot in the government that no one, not even his most trusted friend Alex believes. The story is told from Alex's point of view after the fact, just to make it seem more like a fable than an actual event. Also, lots of boom booms happen.

Bloodstain Joe is the main character in the Galaxy Trilogy (The Bloodstained Lion, Infinite Empire, and Heart of the Sun), a sci-fi epic that I'm currently working on the screenplay for and trying my best not to accidentally steal anything from Star Wars with. And trust me... it's hard. I got around it by setting the story 2,000 years from now, so there are references to past events that we would understand, plus a soundtrack that includes Sympathy for the Devil and House of the Rising Sun. In the background of the title, you can see spaceship designs I was working on for the trilogy hovering over an alien world.

And in the interest of preserving history, here's the previous title (Nov 2012 - March 2014):



Aaaah... I've come so far. Looking back, drawings like these are as bad as it gets. No shading, no contours of the fabric on clothing, cartoony hair... what was I thinking? Of course, I'll probably be thinking this same thing when I take down the title I just put up, but hey, that's what happens.

As a side note, I was only able to do this new title because the past two days at school were taken up by the CAHSEE (CAlifornia High School Exit Exam), which is probably the easiest test I've ever taken in my entire life. Seriously... one of the questions was "Which of the following numbers is closest to zero: 2, 3, 4, or 5?" Really? Are you kidding me, people? If this is all I need to know to graduate high school, you should have graduated me in 7th grade. And no, I will not post the answers I got on here like I have in the past, because if you seriously need my help to answer questions like this... you have failed life.

Bye!

Pain & Gain in the Ukraine

Okay... it's been a while. See, whenever I give up on a website, I tend to give up on it slowly, and I have several relapses before I fully call it quits. I'm not quite ready to give up on this blog yet, because frankly, it's possibly the most awesome thing ever written in the history of ever. But at the same time, I didn't want to start posting here again just to once again stop suddenly, so I'll see if I can adhere to a strict blogging regimen. We'll see how that turns out. And hey, if you're bummed that I might stop posting here...

1) I CAN'T BELIEVE THERE'S SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY CARES THAT MUCH!!!
2) It's my blog, and in the words of Eric Cartman, "I DO WAT AH WAN!" Anyway, if you want to see what epic writing I've been undertaking in my absence, click HERE.

In the time I've been gone, a lot of important things have happened in the world... so let's see if we can't get a breakdown of whether the world has gotten better or worse since then.

• Nelson Mandela died. -5.
• "Twerking" became a thing. -5.
• The affordable care act was relaunched, and now I don't get to make fun of it. -10.
• Some idiots thought it was a good idea to debate about whether or not Santa was white. -25.
• A bunch of neanderthals in the NFL smacked each other around and did neanderthal things. -20.
• The Russian Olympics went well, and now I don't get to make fun of them. -10.
• Bridgegate. -5.
• The NSA continues to spy on Americans. -20.
• JUSTIN BIEBER MIGHT BE DEPORTED!!! +10,000,000!!!

Well, it looks like it averaged out to be a pretty good few months! Awesome! Okay, not really, because we've found ourselves in the midst of a bit of an international shitstorm this past few weeks with the ever-deteriorating situation in Ukraine.

  

So in Vladimir Putin's latest land-grabbing power-hungry shirtless bear-riding escapade, he has decided to swipe Crimea, that weird little lump of land sticking off the bottom of Ukraine in the picture, for Russia. Now honestly, I don't know why they want it. It's lame and stupid and shaped like a chicken mcnugget. But as always, after having the world tell us to stay out of world affairs for a few months, everyone's now asking us to intervene. Well, for God's sake, people. Go for a few months without some 'Murika and see how you fare. 

Anyway, Ukraine has threatened to cut off the gas lines from Russia that run through their country, but all of their threats have merely reflected off of Vladimir Putin's exposed nipples. Meanwhile, Putin has threatened to go all Joseph Stalin on them. Neither side seems to be giving any ground, so it's time for Obama to come in with a compromise that will make everyone equally disappointed! Yay! Seriously though, this is a very unstable situation that could devolve quickly into a bloody territory war... so I'm going to cover it extensively and sarcastically.

Bye!

Game of Drones: Episode II: Attack of the Drones

I performed my skit today for my class, and it was pretty damn good. I yelled in a German accent as my stage persona (Dr. Heinz Vanhousin) and was forced to sing a spoof of Bohemian Rhapsody about monoculture farms and apple GMOs. You can only imagine the witty one-liners we coined with this. Things like "An apple a day keeps the DOCTOR AWAAY!!!" and "I vill be ze invincible apple baron of ze WORLD!" Shakespearian, I know.

Also, I have more cause to celebrate, because G-Force just passed 16,000 hits, now averaging 500 hits a month. For a blog with no ad content, no funding, no employees, no reporting, no investigative journalism, no aesthetic design, and probably plagiarized images that could lead to copyright infringement lawsuits, that's pretty damn good. Did I mention that this is also written by a 15-year old?

That's all gonna change, though. I'm outsourcing the writing of these blog posts to a guy in Mumbai who will read all my former blog posts, then write his best guess at the insightful commentary that I would make and that you've all grown accustomed to. Big time saver for me, I know.

Speaking of insightful commentary, here's a news story just BEGGING to be made fun of. For the first time since the beginning of the drone program, the government has taken full responsibility for accidentally killing someone. The catch? The people killed were four Americans.

      

Yeah, I didn't make that graphic. In retrospect, it was stupid of me to assume that no one else would think of this pun.

Anyway, Eric Holder announced today that the government was taking responsibility for the strikes, and Obama himself declared that drone strikes would be 'limited' now. Well, s**t. After countless civilians in Afghanistan are mercilessly bombed with hellfire and brimstone from the sky, the thing that makes the government do an about face on the issue is the deaths of four AMERICANS? HA! It would be funny if it weren't so tragic.

And what exactly do they mean by 'limit'? This drone program was the first blatantly militaristic army ego-trip that I could really GET BEHIND, and now they're 'limiting' it? I mean, say what you will about drones and their accuracy, but normally no more civilians are killed in a drone strike than in a typical foot soldier attack. The only difference is that one situation doesn't put Americans in the line of fire.

I suppose that, like with the A-Bomb before them, the drones have rendered the whole "Sending your army to fight another army to see whose is better" thing kind of quaint. Again, not necessarily a bad thing. And think about the number of combat-ready soldiers we have already! I can't wait to see the army admissions forms in a few years!

• HAVE YOU PLAYED CALL OF DUTY: MODERN WARFARE?

YES___   NO___

• HAVE YOU PLAYED BATTLEFIELD 4?

YES___   NO___

• HAVE YOU PLAYED CALL OF DUTY: MODERN WARFARE 2?

YES___   NO___

If you answered yes to any of the questions, congratulations! Here's your assignment number and joystick. You start tomorrow.

Bye!

Iron Man 3

I couldn't wait for all my friends to get their s**t together, so today I saw Iron Man 3 without them. And before I get into my review, I have to say... this will contain some SERIOUS spoilers. So unless you're in the mood to have one of the best superhero movies ever made ruined for you, I advise that you stay the hell away from this post until you've seen it. Graham Vert

After the semi-disappointing Avengers, I was more than a little worried that another legendary director would let me down. Shane Black, Iron Man 3's director, has worked with Robert Downey Jr. before in one of my favorite comedies, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. And if you haven't seen this masterwork of a film, I suggest you drop everything and go watch it right now. Finish reading my blog post, though. I need the hits. I was also worried about another great film franchise dying a slow and painful death, like the year's first travesty, A Good Day to Die Hard. So I went into the theater understandably apprehensive.

Fortunately, I was not disappointed: Iron Man 3 is friggin' amazing. First off, it gives a little more depth to the basically one-dimensional character of Tony Stark, giving him anxiety attacks after the events of The Avengers. Secondly, the franchise finally had a fantastic villain (not quite up to the standards set by Heath Ledger's Joker) in the form of Ben Kingsley as The Mandarin, an Osama bin Laden-Mummar Qadaffi mix who blows s**t up across the country on a regular basis.

Tony's bodyguard is the victim of one of these bombs, and he puts out a message to The Mandarin, telling him that he isn't afraid. And so The Mandarin blows up his house. It's an incredibly sad scene, as this monumental bachelor pad, the very symbol of superhero-level decadence, is razed to the ground. Stark ends up flying to Tennessee, where he discovers that the bombs aren't bombs-- they're actually failed experiments.



Apparently, someone is giving amputees treatments that will allow them to magically regrow their limbs, but sometimes they 'overheat' and blow the f**king hell up. This is where the plot starts to unravel. Guy Pearce, the villain, has created an army of evil former-cripples... but how did they turn evil? Do we just assume that if an amputee is given new limbs, they will automatically turn evil? It makes not an ounce of sense.

However, I can overlook this, because right after that scene is one of the best moments in all of comic book-filmdom: We meet Ben Kingsley's character in real life, and he's actually a British crack-smoking hooker-hiring actor who's been cooped up in a mansion for months. He's being used to play The Mandarin during broadcasts, and the bombs are just people overheating and Guy Pearce explaining them away as terrorist attacks.

In the final scenes, Stark saves the president from being killed (and stops Guy Pearce from installing the vice-president as a puppet leader), and Pepper Potts gets the limb-regrowing treatment. So instead of just sitting around like she did in The Avengers, she gets to kill Guy Pearce by blowing him up with a .50 caliber shell. Ben Kingsley and the VP are arrested, and everyone goes home happy.

So, what did I think? Well, as always, I loved RDJ as Tony Stark, and Ben Kingsley as The Mandarin sure as hell didn't hurt anything. Unfortunately, it did get a little too action-y (if that were possible). What's great about the Iron Man series is that it centers more around the characters than the explosions. But the final battle in this one was almost... dare I say it... reminiscent of Transformers. Still, the cast is great, it's funny, it's witty, and you shouldn't listen to the fanboys complaining about how it "Doesn't adhere to the comics." Nobody gives a flying f**k.

Final score for Iron Man 3? 8.5/10 stars. It's actually better than the second one, and the first really worthwhile blockbuster of the year. But that all will change with Star Trek: Into Darkness in two weeks. CAN'T F**KIN' WAIT!!!

And as an aside, yesterday marked the four-year anniversary of G-Force Productions, and the initiation date of this blog. Ironically, it also lands on National Star Wars Day (as in, 'May the fourth be with you').

Bye!

My Beautiful Dark Twisted 500th Blog Post

...DARY!!! THIS IS IT!!! NUMBER FIVE-HUNDRED!!! NUMBER FIVE-FUCKING-HUNDRED!!! WHOOOOO! This also marks the only time I have ever (and possibly will ever) post a swear word without ***-ing it out. So yes, this is an historic day.

And now for the list... ah yes, the list... of the TOP 25 BLOG POSTS FROM G-FORCE OVER THE COURSE OF HISTORY!!! Hit it!

25) The Grim Veeper----- As with most of my pre-2011 blog posts, The Grim Veeper wasn't especially well-written. But I love the title to this day.
24) The Great Bus Crisis of '09----- Again, an early one. But it tells a worthy story, of the helpless group of souls abandoned by the school buses and forced to resort... to CANNIBALISM.
23) The 2012 G-Force Coverage of the Republican Presidential Race: Part Eight: It's Not the Heat, it's the Stupidity----- I amused myself with this one. The phrase "Strip Naked in San Diego" never gets old, either.
22) Apocalypse Cow----- A great title, and a colorful picture. Certain to please even the least demanding readers.
21) The Great Debates Part III: Hello Mitty----- Ripping Mitt Romney a new one has been a constant on this blog.
20) A House is not a Home Without a Rubber Chicken----- I've always liked this title... but to be fair, some other posts may have deserved this slot more.
19) A Bitter Amercia----- Wow, another one making fun of Romney... I see a trend developing.
18) The Aftermath (Part One)----- There haven't been TOO many series on G-Force (but when there are, MAN, they get old fast). But The Aftermath was one of my favorites.
17) Rush to Judgement----- Rush Limbaugh IS an giant asshole.
16) Dumb and Hummer----- My ingenious idea for a wind-powered car has unfortunately been lost to time.
15) Call of Duty: Modern Nørdfare----- A critical indictment of the people who blame the video game industry for violence. Also, I was finally able to make use of this little thing 'ø'.
14) Ode to America----- Yeah, Steven Colbert's a beast. I've thought about sending this in to his show, but that's a little weird... Graham Vert
13)  Long Live the Fountain Drink!!!----- Published right after the aforementioned 'A Bitter Amercia' this is the rare post that makes fun of Democrats.
12) Godzilla Vs. Tsunami----- It's fun to imagine Godzilla's lawyer being F. Lee Bailey.
11) My Big Fat Greek Debt----- I like this title. There's not much else to be said.
10) TRIUMPH!----- Now we've gotten into major news stories. This, of course, was about the assassination of Osama bin Laden.
9) Indiana Graham and the Search for the Pharaoh's Schlong: Part One: In DeNile----- And now we've gotten OUT of major news stories. That was fast. I've always loved this series. And we may never know where King Tut's penis went, at least until my next edition of the series...
8) Brace Yourselves...----- This one helped me through a tragic time in my life: HAVING BRACES.
7) Occupy White Hill----- My occupy movement was sadly short-lived.
6) Son of a Gun----- Yeah, this is a really recent one. But the spoon-onet and such were too much fun to write to pass this one up.
5) The Ultimate 100th Blog----- Not so ultimate NOW, are you?
4) Better Know a Cartoonist Part II...----- Even though I despise this post, it has netted me over 240 hits... and counting. Making it the most-viewed post on this blog.
3) Election Night, Part V----- The post where I called the 2012 election for Obama. And the fifth on this list where I talk about my hatred for Mitt Romney.
2) Intro to awesomeness----- The first.

And number one, you ask? Well... that's this one. Because it's all the others of the top 25 wrapped into one. And if there's some kind of problem with those links, DEAL WITH IT, because I think I just got arthritis from cut/pasting the URLs into this... aarrrgh...

I encourage you to read them all. And I'll be back soon with my 501st+ blog posts in just a while, including my inevitable review of DIE HARD FIVE!!! Aww yeah. Oh, and I apologize to the creators of How I Met Your Mother for the beginning to this post and the end to the previous one. I felt it needed to be done.

Sayonara, Capybara!

Superblog CDXCIX

The Superbowl was this Sunday, and the 49ers lost to the Ravens. I suppose it's too much to ask that both the Giants AND the Niners win the World Series and the Superbowl in the same few months... but still, a bit of a disappointment. At least it would be if I cared in the slightest about football. What I care about far more is...

THE SUPER AD BOWL!!!

Yes, every year I award the best Superbowl ad the Vertco Trophy for Excellence in High-Quality Crap®. In the past, it's gone to Doritos and Coca-Cola for their ninja star and border guard ads, respectively. And this year, it goes to (drumroll, please)...

No one. No one at all. Because no matter how good any of the ads this Superbowl were, they were overshadowed by the Go Daddy 'Nerd Kissing a Hot Girl' ad. Apparently, there's been a recent uproar over this ad because it shows a bespectacled geek with cystic acne making out with a supermodel (who reportedly got paid $1,000,000 and had to go through 74 takes). The nerd was not compensated.

In other news, the novel I've been writing for my English class is almost complete. It's kind of a morose story, detailing the failure of epic proportions of a few men trying to kill Hitler at the height of WWII. But I'm at the end, and I need a good finale... "The End." No, too corny. "And he woke up to realize that it was all a dream..." No, to Oz-y. "And that, kids, is how I met your mother." No, I'll leave that one for Ted... anyway, I hope to put links to it on this blog sometime soon... around the time that I post my 500TH BLOG POST OF ALL TIME!!!

Yes, my next post shall be my ultimate 500th. So, how shall I use it? To tell the story of North Korea's latest leaked propaganda? To give my opinion on how the post office is no longer delivering mail on Saturdays? To further the goal of the internet's media in our glorious quest to keep you, our loyal readers, informed?

No. Stay tuned for tomorrow's ULTIMATE 500TH BLOG POST, with a list of my top 25 favorite posts!!! Don't miss it!!! It's going to be legen... wait for it...