Crimea River

Well, I've had an interesting weekend. On Friday, I was sick, so I stayed home from school (THANK THE GODS!). Of course, I had the common cold, which is the disease I've been studying since early January for the Disease Project... oh, irony is a cruel mistress. Anyway, I'm back in top health and I'm ready to be unproductive and write blog posts instead of doing that Spanish video I probably should have gotten around to... ah, well.

Our top story today is, of course, the ever-escalating situation in the Crimean peninsula in Ukraine-- er... Russia. Vladimir Putin has officially begun the annexation of the territory by sending in troops to occupy Crimea's pizza places, casinos, and strip clubs. Ukraine has recently ordered a troop withdrawal as the Russians seize naval bases and key strategic areas. Meanwhile, the G8 officially booted Russia out from their club, leaving them as merely the G7. Of course, Putin doesn't care... because in Soviet Russia, the president assassinates YOU!

This is all the result of an election last week that showed that 105% of Crimean voters wanted to join Russia. Although these results are disputed by some, they seem pretty legitimate to me. I mean, it's not like Putin sent thousands of KGB agents into Crimea to stuff ballot boxes and execute anyone who stood in their way, right? That's silly. The big problem here is that this is all moving a lot too fast for the taste of President Obama, whose Red Line, Deadline, and Pretty Please With A Cherry On Top strategies have all proven ineffective thus far. Meanwhile, Putin continues to seize land and ride around shirtless with his gymnast girlfriend. Seriously... I couldn't make stuff like this up.

She'll annex Ukraine... after annexing your heart.

So the big question is whether or not Obama will have to back down and sacrifice a little dignity in order to avoid World War III, or even worse... World War Z (seriously, that movie was crap). So is this the conflict that will finally lead to the long-awaited and much-anticipated sequel to the critically acclaimed World War II? I say no. This is much too silly a dispute to lead to a global conflict of such a major scale. Recently in human history, we've been figuring out how to avoid massive wars through diplomacy and the fact that any country, even FRANCE, is capable of reducing the entire planet to a nuclear wasteland. If we do have a World War III... it's going to be because of a certain fat man-child dictator invading another country using nuclear bombs made out of twigs and boulders.

So rest easy. Bye!

Pain & Gain in the Ukraine

Okay... it's been a while. See, whenever I give up on a website, I tend to give up on it slowly, and I have several relapses before I fully call it quits. I'm not quite ready to give up on this blog yet, because frankly, it's possibly the most awesome thing ever written in the history of ever. But at the same time, I didn't want to start posting here again just to once again stop suddenly, so I'll see if I can adhere to a strict blogging regimen. We'll see how that turns out. And hey, if you're bummed that I might stop posting here...

1) I CAN'T BELIEVE THERE'S SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY CARES THAT MUCH!!!
2) It's my blog, and in the words of Eric Cartman, "I DO WAT AH WAN!" Anyway, if you want to see what epic writing I've been undertaking in my absence, click HERE.

In the time I've been gone, a lot of important things have happened in the world... so let's see if we can't get a breakdown of whether the world has gotten better or worse since then.

• Nelson Mandela died. -5.
• "Twerking" became a thing. -5.
• The affordable care act was relaunched, and now I don't get to make fun of it. -10.
• Some idiots thought it was a good idea to debate about whether or not Santa was white. -25.
• A bunch of neanderthals in the NFL smacked each other around and did neanderthal things. -20.
• The Russian Olympics went well, and now I don't get to make fun of them. -10.
• Bridgegate. -5.
• The NSA continues to spy on Americans. -20.
• JUSTIN BIEBER MIGHT BE DEPORTED!!! +10,000,000!!!

Well, it looks like it averaged out to be a pretty good few months! Awesome! Okay, not really, because we've found ourselves in the midst of a bit of an international shitstorm this past few weeks with the ever-deteriorating situation in Ukraine.

  

So in Vladimir Putin's latest land-grabbing power-hungry shirtless bear-riding escapade, he has decided to swipe Crimea, that weird little lump of land sticking off the bottom of Ukraine in the picture, for Russia. Now honestly, I don't know why they want it. It's lame and stupid and shaped like a chicken mcnugget. But as always, after having the world tell us to stay out of world affairs for a few months, everyone's now asking us to intervene. Well, for God's sake, people. Go for a few months without some 'Murika and see how you fare. 

Anyway, Ukraine has threatened to cut off the gas lines from Russia that run through their country, but all of their threats have merely reflected off of Vladimir Putin's exposed nipples. Meanwhile, Putin has threatened to go all Joseph Stalin on them. Neither side seems to be giving any ground, so it's time for Obama to come in with a compromise that will make everyone equally disappointed! Yay! Seriously though, this is a very unstable situation that could devolve quickly into a bloody territory war... so I'm going to cover it extensively and sarcastically.

Bye!