Boston Gets Jacked

STAR Test, Version 1, World History: CFCHCFDHCHDGDGAHBJAGDJCHDGDHCHDF
CFDGCFBHBGBHCJCFDFCGCHCFDJBHDGCGDF!!! Yowza!!! And we're STILL not done with this bull crap! As always, I guarantee nothing about these answers, but they should get you a good grade. Or maybe I'm just f**king with your head... MWAHAHAHAHA!!! And here's Earth Science Version 1: CCHDJDJAJAFBHAHAGDFBGDJBHBHAGDHAFCHDHDGDGCGCH
CGAHCJDGDFBJBJCFCGDHCF!!!

God, this is so pointless... but the STAR Test is over anyway, so it's not like these are worth jacks**t. But there have been a few unusual developments in the past 24 hours that are really quite disturbing, and I'd like to turn your attention to them. Remember the Boston Marathon bombing? I assume you do, as CNN simply won't let you forget it. But the Boston CTU has located the suspects.

Apparently, two brothers knocked over a convenience store, then proceeded to steal a guy's SUV. When the guy refused to get out, they told him that they were behind the bombs, and shouldn't be f**ked with. And so ensued the greatest car chase that the city of Boston has ever seen, up until the older brother was shot, taken to the hospital, and eventually died. His bro, however, is still at large, but police think that they've cornered him in a house in Watertown.


In other words, it's 24: Season 9 over there, complete with ludicrous plot twists, shoot-outs, and suspiciously stereotypical villains. These guys are from Chechnya, which is a part of Russia near the Caucus Mountains that wants to secede. So I think we can rule out any kind of political terrorism, seeing as neither Chechnya nor the US are very big fans of Russia.

However, what did catch my attention about this was the fact that Chechnya has a high Muslim population, and that the brothers' parents are both highly practicing Muslims. So now everyone's assuming that Muslims have blown us up... AGAIN. I'm not going to say either way, partly because I don't want to cast generalizations, but also because (if this is really a continuation of 24), there's probably going to be a final plot twist in the season finale where these guys are just pawns, and the real villain is the president's wife. At least, that's the way it was in Season 2.

But that's not the only TV show connection I can make about recent events. Remember the ricin poison that was mailed to Obama? That same s**t was used in Breaking Bad to kill Tuco and Gus (although it didn't quite work either time)... NOPE! NO SPOILERS!!! So now we know who we're looking for: A scowling, angry bald guy. Which narrows it down to practically everyone in that show.

Bye!

Ricinister

Today's STAR Test answers are for the Geometry 9th Grade Version 2 test: BFCFBHBFAJBJCF DFDGAGAJCGDHDFJHDJBJCGAHDGAJAGCFAHBHDHDFDHAGAJBGAGBFDH
CFB!!!!!! I sincerely hope that you people appreciate the lengths I go to in order to give you these. Maybe someone out there will read this, find a pattern, and I'll be able to kick back and relax while taking the STAR Test from now on.

But moving on, there's apparently been a break in the Boston bombing case. Seeing as no one has yet claimed responsibility for the attack, it's clearly not Al Qaeda or anything like that. And someone looking suspicious was caught on video camera where the bomb went off. By 'looking suspicious', of course, we mean wearing a hoodie, holding Skittles®, and black. Oh, never mind... this isn't Florida.

However, there's been another case of domestic terrorism-- someone mailed ricin-laced letters to a Mississippi senator and President Obama. Ricin is a toxin derived from the castor oil plant, and is poisonous if inhaled, injected, or ingested. At least that's what Wikipedia says. I, for one, hadn't heard of this s**t until today. But someone out there has been busy, and they're apparently targeting our marathons and virtually unknown senators.


Oh, yeah, and the president...

And do I think that these attacks are linked? F**K YEAH! It's been, what, four years since anything major like this happened, and then both of these attacks occur within a three-day time period? HA! Coincidence? Yes.

I wonder if anyone ever bothers to read the letters that these guys send in. They might say something interesting. Or maybe they just put them under those metal domes and blow 'em the f**k away. No matter what they did, the letters never reached Obama; the anthrax scare about a decade ago took care of that. Now all the letters are screened somewhere in Virginia. So you wonder why these people even bother.

Bye!