The 85-Year-Old Virgin

I am officially on February break now, and I'm enjoying it immensely. And with so much free time, I have the chance to take up new hobbies. Like painting pictures of myself in the tub. No, wait, that's George Bush's job. Because you see, when the Bush family's emails were hacked this week, self-portraits of the Decider-in-Chief were spilled all over the internet.

I never thought I'd say this, but I love George Bush. Seriously, this is hilarious s**t. The guy has NOTHING ELSE TO DO with his time, and he's painting himself in the shower and bath. Probably at 2:00 in the afternoon. Now, some people are saying that these pictures are a 'cry for help', and that the recurring bathing theme is a metaphor for Bush wanting to wash the blood of Katrina and the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan off his hands. I, however, think it's just a painting of a guy in the tub who thinks that painting scenery is too hard.

But speaking of free time, what about Pope Benedict? He's stepping down at the end of February, so what the hell is he going to do? Make model trains? Troll the internet? Audition for the role of The Emperor in Star Wars Episode VII? Or go on ChristianMingle to try and get some action at the ripe old age of 85?

 
Yeah... good luck with that one, Ben...

And this STILL isn't the coolest story of the week, because today a meteorite in Russia created a sonic boom that injured over 1,000 people. The videos of this famously badass occurrence are all over the internet, and it's some frightening stuff. But apparently, today was the day that an enormous asteroid passed by Earth in the closest extraterrestrial fly-by ever recorded. Coincidence? No.

Anyway, stay tuned for my post about Die Hard 5. And for the rest of the break, I shall relax, enjoy a brief respite from the crushing backlog of homework I have building up, and maybe paint a few pictures of myself in the tub.

Bye!

Lincoln

Oh my God... I just got back from another of my friend Connor's famous 24-hour sleepovers. It was nuts. We set off poppers in the street, jumped in a creek, kicked Luis in the nuts, and jumped on top of a Presbyterian church. I also was able to bear witness to one of the worst movies ever made.

No, it's not the one in the title-- I'll get to that later. No, I saw 'Tim and Eric's Billion-Dollar Movie', my new official least-favorite movie ever made. And it has some STRONG contenders to beat. Namely, Troll 2, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Hugo, Clash of the Titans, Green Lantern, Battle: LA, Up, and Cowboys and Aliens. But this was far and away the worst thing I've ever laid eyes on. Calvin told me that it was horrific, but I didn't listen... and now I'm scarred for life. I'll never be able to watch an R-rated movie ever again.

However, that's not why I'm blogging today. Apparently, in the span of one day, I saw both the worst and the best movies of 2012. Lincoln, with Daniel Day-Lewis in the title role, is easily the best movie of the year and should win Best Picture, if not Best Actor for Lewis and Best Director for Spielberg. I usually have some reservedness about going ballistic over more recent movies, but this one's going down in history.


Characteristically, it features a lot of the emotional tug-of-war that made Spielberg the director he is today. As I've always said, I haven't shed a tear in 5 1/2 years. But this one came surprisingly close. Essentially, the entire last half-hour of the movie will have you weeping buckets. Literally, I am not exaggerating this.

Unlike most movie adaptations of the Civil War, Lincoln didn't center around the actual battles. It made the remarkable (and perfectly executed) decision to focus more on the passing of the 13th amendment, which abolished slavery once and for all. You wouldn't know by watching this that the REPUBLICANS were the ones that would eventually become massive dicks, and that the DEMOCRATS would be the ones fighting for civil rights. But at some point in history, the parties basically switched in every way, except for the minor detail that a little 'R' appeared next to Lincoln's name on the ballots.

The best scene is where the two parties are voting on the amendment, and the Democrats are fighting for their lives to avoid the cold gazes of black people watching from the audience. To vote 'nay' on something like that while staring the people you're oppressing right in the eyes must be a pretty crappy experience. I don't feel sorry for them, but it must have been painful.

But, SPOILER ALERT! Slavery is abolished and Lincoln gets shot in the most gut-wrenching 20 minutes of film since Spock's death. Which I still haven't gotten over.

Oh God, it's too... painful...

Anyway, final score for Lincoln? 10/10. There is not a thing I would change about this movie, and that's the mark of a perfect film. If nothing else, Spielberg has redeemed himself for Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Bye!

The Shark Steam Mop

Breaking news here at G-Force: The Shark Steam Mop is now ahead in the polls. I started a poll on my blog 20 minutes or so ago, and now The Shark Steam Mop is leading the polls with 100% of the vote!

What this spells for the other candidates remains to be seen, but I can call this already. The Shark Steam Mop has practically won the nomination. Think about it: The Shark Steam Mop created more jobs than the other candidates COMBINED, just from the 90-minute Shark informercials. Also, it seems much more relatable and human than Newt Gingrich.

It has so much experience as a candidate. Its only problem is that it sided with the 1% when it eradicated 99.9% of the germs in your laundry room. If elected, it will even give you five EXTRA steam pads--- ABSOLUTELY FREE!

Gingrich, Romney, and the others might as well just drop out on this one. No one can face off against The Shark Steam Mop in any category, be it cleanliness, user-friendliness, or ability to clean in tight spaces.

And there you have it. The Shark Steam Mop: Savior of the Republican Party.

Bye!

The 2012 G-force Coverage of the Republican Presidential Race: Part One: Iowa & New Hampshire

Well, it's happening. Mitt Romney is slowly becoming the nominee for president. Yeah, that's right. Even though he is a gigantic jackhole who can't say anything without being boring, he has just won Iowa and is, as I type this, in the process of winning New Hampshire.

As opposed to Old Hampshire, I guess. Wherever THAT is. And while we're at it, I'd like the locations of Old Zealand and Old Jersey.

He actually won Iowa by eight votes--- EIGHT! That's fewer people than the peeps who actually saw The Darkest Hour (in theaters now, for the twelve people on the planet who are interested). I swear, someone must do something here. And this means...

I must withdraw from the presidential race.

I know, I know. This seems unexpected. But I need to give my prospective votes away to John Huntsman. He is the only SANE person in the entire freaking Republican party who can decently lose to Barack Obama. Because let's face it; the outcome might not be set in stone, but it IS set in diamond.

Well, there you have it. Oh, and Huntsman came in third, so maybe he will finally be in first place at some time.

Bye!

The Campaign Promised Land

The Republican National Debate is tonight-- no one's showing up. I thought the field for a Repub candidate was already looking small at best, but this is just sad. Which means it's up to me to save the day (again). I've decided that I'm running for president on the Republican ticket!!! Not that I actually am a Republican, just that I'm trying to find the group of people that a 13-year-old Californian kid can beat! And I've found it. Donald Trump, Mike Huckabee, Newt Gingrich. I'll say again- the job is PRESIDENT. Don't let the applicants throw you off.

Now remember: This is for REAL. Go to my blog's sidebar and visit my other blog, VERTPAC, for the latest updates on ME 2012: YOU'VE DONE WORSE. Also, you can click to donate to the me campaign.

For those of you unsure about donations, clicking on the sidebar doesn't force you to give money-- I've been told it doesn't even let you do that. But still, check it out.

When I get to sit in front of this seal, I'll uphold the constitution LIKE A BOSS! I'll kill Osama bin Laden! Uh... oops. That was all I had to run on. The rest of this blog was just me telling you the different ways I could pop him in the EYE! I really need to stop planning so far in advance.

Okay... well, how about this: I know some candidates make bogus 'promises' like "I'll end torture in Guantanamo Bay" or "I'll make America respected again". But I'm blogging to you at 11:55 PST in a bleary-eyed, drowsy state from my gigantic 'WE GOT OSAMA' party to tell you this. WHOO! Hangover. Where was I? Oh, yeah-- I make promises I can keep. If I am elected, I will be America's most recent president. And I can almost guarantee I will make many, many speeches far more important than this one.

That's called upholding the dignity of the presidency. Ball's in your court, Trump-- stunt candidacies are HOT now. Debate me or suffer my infinite wrath!

Bye!

Attack of the Donald

Well, it's finally happened. Obama released his birth certificate two days ago, and now we in the news have a problem:

THERE'S NOTHING ELSE TO TALK ABOUT!!! AAAAAAAAGH!!!

Fortunately, Donald Trump came to our rescue with his ridiculous speech and black helicopter emblazoned with the Trump name. I guess he had it put there so he wouldn't keep forgetting it. In the interview, The Donald was able to deflect difficult questions like a pro. They bounced off of him like bullets off of Superman!

I'm such a nerd.

Anyway, Trump isn't finished by far. He has now declared a search for Obama's college papers. I don't think these people will stop until they uncover his sixth grade report cards. It's all part of Trump's plan to transform this country and change the White House into...

The Trump House and Casino resort. Yeah, that's right.

Am I the only one who finds Trump revolting? Not only has he slapped his name on everything from Atlantic City Casinos to collectable shot glasses, he's found a way to get free publicity out for the Trump name: run for president. The press HAS to cover him, because A) He's a celebrity, and B) He's running for the highest office in the country. And the more publicity he gets, the bigger the Trump brand/name/collectable shot glass market gets, and the more money gets delivered to whatever creatures that are living in his hair via pneumatic tube.

It's a vicious circle. And seeing that I, while on the very edge of relevance, am part of the press, I am bound by the secret media code of conduct to report on Trump. So here's my report: He is an unqualified, vulgar, over excessive human parasite who feeds off of media coverage and camera attention and uses his former glory as an obscenely rich a**hole and his TV show to work his name into every aspect of American life.

But that's just my opinion.

Bye!

Republican't

I haven't blogged for a few days, so to up my post count, I will now present to you the list of possible Republican presidential nominees for 2012! And no liberal manifesto of right-wingers would be complete without my classic, patented left-wing slant! Here goes! It's time for...

IDIOT REPUBLICANS and why I can beat them.

First, we have Newt Gingrich, the obvious choice. Unfortunately, he doesn't have any support from the Democrats, and he's said some pretty outrageous things. Plus, he constantly preaches family values, but he's on his third or fourth wife. Who knows, I've lost count.

Then we have Rick Santorum, a new idealist who unfortunately is suffering from what has been dubbed as a 'Google Complex'. When you search his last name on the internet, you don't come up with the guy, you come up with... well... suffice to say, his biggest problem may be name recognition.

Then we have Donald Trump. Hoo boy. Do I have to say anything? This guy is the most disgusting human being on the face of the Earth. He could have played Jabba the Hutt in Star Wars. Actually, that's the perfect role for him. He'd just have to lose the hair.

There's also Herman Cain, a columnist and rabid Republican, who unfortunately was recently quoted saying he doesn't care much for muslims. Oopsy. Not his exact words, of course, but I don't want my blog besmirched with racism.

There's Scott Walker, the governor of Wisconsin who recently preformed surgery on the state's budget. Unfortunately, no one in the state really cared for his enormous funding cuts. On the upside, he's definitely getting the youth vote, especially those still in college: Who wouldn't want their evil homeroom teacher to be fired?

And now for the dynamic duo: Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachman. Here's how much they aren't going to be president: they each have about 85% of Americans who think they couldn't possibly be president. No, not because of gender bias: because Palin and Bachman are complete idiots.

There's Mitt Romney, who at first seems like the front-runner. But his so-called 'Romneycare' is seen by many self-proclaimed idiots as a precursor to 'Obamacare'. So much for the tea party vote.

There's Mike Huckabee, but he's too much of a Bible-thumping lunatic to win any kind of popular support. What a shame.

Finally, we have a little-known congressman called Jon Kyl. In a speech to the senate a few days ago, he declared that 90% of Planned Parenthood services are abortions. The actual number is 3%, but thanks to Kyl, the new statistic is on the senate record. Kyl's office later released a statement saying that his comment was 'Not intended to be a factual statement'. Well, the people on Twitter had something to say about that. Led by Stephen Colbert, people began tweeting 42 times per minute things such as 'Jon Kyl eats babies for sustenance', and tagging them with the phrase '#NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement'. How fun.

So, there you have it: The hopefuls for 2012 and why they suck.

Bye!

Theory of Revolution

Every day at lunch recently, me and a few friends of mine have pulled some crazy stunt that just drives everyone nuts. Today we threw a water bottle on the roof, causing it to explode and get all over some people. Yesterday we launched apples over the roof of the library and to the other side. On Monday, we carried Willp through the library in a very solemn procession. Everyone gave us really odd looks. I can't imagine why.

We have big plans for tomorrow. And it rhymes with 'evolution'.

Yes, that's right. We, the teenagers of Marin County, in order to form a more perfect union/find something to do, have voted unanimously to secede from the United States, forming a country called Kissmyassistan. It consists of White Hill Middle School and the surrounding areas, namely San Anselmo, Fairfax, Mill Valley, and other hippie-populated areas. Fun.

Unfortunately, I have a feeling the US military won't appreciate us seceding. Hmm. This could hurt me. Another problem is my presidential campaign. Now how can I run for president? I wasn't born in the US now! I HATE having so many projects going at once.

Oh, forget it. I'll put this off a little longer.

A LITTLE.

Bye!

<< A tank in a parking lot in Marin

Leekar: America's Last Hope (we're screwed)

So, I'm writing this post from my friend Ben's house, where we're having another epic sleepover/birthday party thingamajig. And something REALLY freaky just happened, which I must tell you about.

I was playing on my friend Luis's TV (which he brought over), and we were linked to the other room playing against my friend Cody and Ben. All of a sudden, I looked up, and we were 20 kills ahead. They thought we were cheating (I suck, so it's understandable), because when we tested it on my friend Ben's flat-panel, I ended up doing my usual pathetic excuse for a COD game. As soon as I went back to Luis's TV, it was back to my weird pwning insanity.

My best guess is that because Luis's TV is crappy, it turns the screen red. Now, we think it may have either made us high, or driven us insane. Either way, it was pretty effective.

But off of that topic, and on to my EPIC RUN FOR THE PRESIDENCY IN 2012!!!

So, I just polled my friends, and they all say that they would vote for me (if I was 43 and not 13 and they could vote). I promise as part of my campaign to rid the world of terrorism, violence, hate, war, death, destruction, Cody's farts (actually, if I weaponized them in a nuclear bomb, they might be the equivalent of a bioweapon), insane foreign dictators, South American drug cartels, slavery, frostbite, Hummers, the people who made 'Shrek IV', explosions, IED's, nukes, semi-deadly cutlery, handguns, natural disasters assault rifles, submachine guns, and everything toxic at Wal-Mart.

Anyway, I think I could have said that all in less than a super-paragraph. But still, vote me in 2012! I mean, who's the competition? And when I say competition, I mean competition within my party, The American Birthday Party. I created this party when I ran in 2008 and Obama beat me for the Democratic nomination. This way, I can still run for the whole way, unless a new challenger emerges...

DAMMIT, P-NUT! I swear to CHRIST! You ruin everything! Whether it be presidential runs or the upholstery on a naugahyde recliner, you always have a way of f-ing things up!

Well, you know what this means? If I don't make a huge revision to my campaign, I'll be screwed and I'll never win the nomination. So, who should I make as my VP...?

Yeah, that's right. LEEKAR. And as we all know, Leekar has a long and rich history of winning everything. His complete resume is as follows:

1) Class mascot for practically all my classes

2) Most-drawen GALAXY character

3) Co-dictator of Turdistan

4) All in all, complete ass-kicker to the stars. In conclusion, if anyone can win me this campaign, Leekar can.

Bye!

VERTPAC, or ME 2012 II

Hello, everyone. I am officially announcing my presidency (you may have already noticed my updated profile), and to kick it off, I'd like to make a speech. Ahem.

We've had a lot of presidents. Sucky presidents. Good presidents. Honest presidents. Sucky presidents. Black presidents (okay, black president). Sucky presidents. The point is, we've had a lotta crappy presidents. And I'll cut to the point: I think that I, a 13-year old kid from Marin County, could do that job a lot better.

So, as of now, I'm 43. And my presidential run has been off to a good start already! I've already received donations of roughly $0.05! So, I encourage for you to visit my presidential run's website, VERTPAC, and DONATE NOW, as soon as I do two things: One, program a way for you to give me money, and two: find a loophole in Blogger's 'no asking for money' policy.

Bye!

Having a Trump Card Handy

This is the most evil thing ever.

Donald Trump is hinting at a run for president.

Trumpie ran in 2000 against some other idiot (who had the easy job of beating Donald Trump). He and his maniacally strange hair must be planning something of pure evil. My only guess is that he plans to tell half of America 'Ya Firrrrred!!!!'

Speaking of deranged hair, why is it that anyone with insanely weird hair has suddenly become successful? Case in point: Justin Beiber. Another case in point: Willow Smith. I only found out about this person from some idiot at school who is obsessed with the song 'Whip My Hair'. If you feel so compelled, google it. But you will regret it.

But I'm getting sidetracked.

I hate the fact that this blog will only add to the hit count on Trump's name, but it must be said. He is an egotistical self-absorbed douchebag whose only purpose on this planet is to put his name on a bunch of buildings and fire us from jobs we didn't even really want in the first place.

Trump also came out last week as a 'birther', a person who questions where Obama was born. He probably thinks he was born on Vulcan. Waiiiit...

Think about it. The mysteriously pointy/long ears... the 'logical' thinking...

I take back what I've said before. Barack Obama isn't Luke Skywalker. He is...SPOCK.

I must mull this over.

Bye!

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Crappiness

Well, it's that time of year again. The candidates for 2012 are starting to emerge. My prediction: The Mayans predicted the catastrophe of 2012, but didn't know what it was. What will actually happen is Sarah Palin will become president and nuke the entire planet.

So, as usual, I have to do EVERYTHING. This won't be the first time I've saved the planet; I defeated a robot revolution from the future and stopped aliens from enslaving humanity. But whatever. This time, I have to do something even more important: I'm running for president.

This isn't the first time I've done this. Last time, I failed epicly, getting only five votes, all by old people from Florida who couldn't make out the butterfly ballot. But this time will be different. Now I have the foolproof political tactic of having a $957,000,000 campaign budget. It's the same tactic we used in Iraq, so what could go wrong?

Here's a pic of my campaign logo:

Nice, huh? It has that edgy, liberal look along with the patriotic red, white, and blue. Epic.

People, I'm going to the Asian Art Museum in San Francisco tomorrow. Some of you might say that this is something silly and unimportant. But it isn't. I have good, reliable intel that tells me that the Asian Art Museum is home to one of the most sought-after relics known to mankind. You know what I'm talking about.

KING TUT'S PENIS!

Join me next time for more tales of the pharaoh's schlong!

Sayonara, Capybara!

Pick Me, Pick Me!

I'm back! And I'm also beginning a new feature: THE 2012 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION, A FEW YEARS AHEAD OF ITS TIME!!!

Today, my viability as a candidate. Now, we all know the different requirements for president: a strong understanding of issues, charisma, patriotism, relatability...

Okay, let's cut the crap. It boils down to three things:

1) Money. Lots of it. If you don't have this, you're so screwed it's not even funny.

2) Beer. Who wants to have a beer with you. This is very, very important. If you don't occasionally volunteer to be the designated driver, America will punch you in the nose and leave the bar before the cops come.

3) Amount of stars/stripes in your logo. This is the biggest and most important of all. So after careful consideration, I've chosen this as my "ME 2012" logo:

This picture relates to both Republicans, Democrats, and, of course, Hippies. Some might contest whether or not this logo will reach out to the average American voter, but it's better than the other choice:

I don't even know what store this is for. Probably Macy's.

Now, let's check my candidacy's viability at my incredibly awesome SITUATION NOOK!!!

Now, unknown newscasters, let's see what you've got. Hmm? Oh. Yes, yes, I see.

WONDERFUL NEWS! As a 13-year-old, I don't have a sordid and disgusting past!!! I'm good to go! All I need now is my team of advisors. Who to choose, who to choose...

Aaah, but of course.

Bye!