The Buckeye State

Unlike the rest of the state... make that country... no, make that world... there aren't many fights here in San Anselmo, California. So when something DOES happen, everybody pays the utmost attention to it, just to have something to do. I left the school during lunch yesterday to go with some of the Peeps down to the strip mall, but on our way, we found out that two of the biggest morons in the school were going to fight something out over on the baseball field down at the park. Naturally, there were well over 40 people there watching, and now the two guys have gotten suspended (even though all they did was slap each other a little). It's a sad, sad state of affairs.

The stupidest part of this is how the administration found out-- some idiot was texting in class and the teacher took their phone away-- and proceeded to find out about it through the texts sent via the phone. So, the take-away from this? Apparently, the people in my school lack any form of self-control whatsoever. 

I could go on and on about stupid people at my high school (because God knows we have a lot of them), but there's been some pretty unbelievable s**t going on in the news this week. In Cleveland, a man has been arrested and held for eight million dollar bail after three captive women were found in his basement. And you thought your week was going bad.

This guy (who is a self-declared 'sexual predator', just thought I'd say that) has been keeping the women in the basement for a decade. I won't get into the specifics of what happened over those ten years, seeing as some of my readers are of a more delicate constitution, but it was some messed-up f**kin' s**t. If you want the details, just highlight the following blank space with your cursor:

HOLY CRAP. YOU REALLY WANT TO HEAR THIS. Okay, fine. He raped all of the women repeatedly over the ten-year period, and whenever he got one pregnant, he would beat and starve her until she miscarried. He also got one of the other women pregnant, but for some reason didn't do it to her-- so she had to give birth in this little shop of horrors. You did ask. Don't put this on me if you can't sleep at night now. It's your own God damn fault for looking.

By the way, you may recall back when Ohio went for Obama in the 2012 election, and I bumped it 10 slots down on my Official List of S**ttiest States. But now I'm thinking... not so much. It's back to square one. And this was really a long time coming, seeing as Ohio is also the home of the Craigslist Killer, systematic removal of the Native Americans, and Ted f**king Mosby.

JUST MEET THE FRIGGIN' MOTHER ALREADY, YOU ASSHOLE! I HAVE PUT WAAAY TOO MUCH TIME INTO THIS BULLS**T!!!

However, Ohio also is the home of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and The Black Keys... so I could really go either way. Wow... I really got off-track here a little. Anyway, the good news is that the women are back with their families, and can now go on to live an even worse fate: Living in Kentucky. And the guy who imprisoned them in the first place is being held on counts of unlawful confinement, rape, battery, assault, false imprisonment... you name it. Also, when he left the house that day, he left behind a suicide note detailing his prisoners and how sorry he was... so I'd love to see the lawyer he gets.

But in a situation like this, you don't need a criminal lawyer. You need a CRIMINAL lawyer. So, if you want to make more money... and keep the money that you make... 

Wow, that's two TV show jokes that nobody will get. Ah, well.

Bye!

The Rolling 5t0nes

I have been indisposed for the past few days, seeing as my ears were ringing, my head was aching, and altogether I was a tired, exhausted mess. In other words, I went to the Rolling Stones concert in Oakland on Sunday, and it was friggin' insane. SO MANY OLD PEOPLE TRYING TO ROCK... aargh... it hurt. Graham Vert

However, in addition to seeing The Pirate King and The Jagmeister in person, we had a suite, complete with pre-chilled chardonnay, a private bathroom, a flat-screen TV, free sandwiches, and a great view (provided you used my dad's binoculars). This was all made possible by my dad's cousin, who called him up on Saturday to ask if he wanted to see the Stones-- to which I can only imagine my dad said "YES! YES! OH MY GOD YES! I WILL OWE YOU MY LIFE!!! ALL PRAISE BE UNTO YOU, MY LEIGE!!! YES, YES YES YES YEEEEESSSSSSS!!!!"

Mere speculation. Anyway, it was fun on a bun. They played Paint It Black, Dead Flowers, Sympathy for the Devil... and there was even a little video at the beginning featuring celebrities talking about the Stones.

Not to mention that outside the stadium, there was a religious nutball with a sign that read "FEAR HONOR OBEY LOVE GOD", which was some of the most f**ked up s**t I've seen in years. He started yelling about how Rock and Roll was the devil's work, and that "Nobody's got time for Jesus anymore," so I yelled from the ramparts "AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FO DAT!" I'm not sure if anyone got the reference, but it was totally worth it.
   

I never understood the logo... I mean, yeah, it's a tongue... A+.

Mick Jagger now looks less like Mick Jagger and more like one of the melting face Nazis from Raiders of the Lost Ark... just sayin'. But it was fun. I smelled more weed that night than any other time in my life. And I live in San Anselmo, Marin County... so you know that's a lot.

Anyway, that's why I haven't been blogging. I got to school on Monday like a sleep-deprived zombie. But it was totally worth it. Bye!

Iron Man 3

I couldn't wait for all my friends to get their s**t together, so today I saw Iron Man 3 without them. And before I get into my review, I have to say... this will contain some SERIOUS spoilers. So unless you're in the mood to have one of the best superhero movies ever made ruined for you, I advise that you stay the hell away from this post until you've seen it. Graham Vert

After the semi-disappointing Avengers, I was more than a little worried that another legendary director would let me down. Shane Black, Iron Man 3's director, has worked with Robert Downey Jr. before in one of my favorite comedies, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. And if you haven't seen this masterwork of a film, I suggest you drop everything and go watch it right now. Finish reading my blog post, though. I need the hits. I was also worried about another great film franchise dying a slow and painful death, like the year's first travesty, A Good Day to Die Hard. So I went into the theater understandably apprehensive.

Fortunately, I was not disappointed: Iron Man 3 is friggin' amazing. First off, it gives a little more depth to the basically one-dimensional character of Tony Stark, giving him anxiety attacks after the events of The Avengers. Secondly, the franchise finally had a fantastic villain (not quite up to the standards set by Heath Ledger's Joker) in the form of Ben Kingsley as The Mandarin, an Osama bin Laden-Mummar Qadaffi mix who blows s**t up across the country on a regular basis.

Tony's bodyguard is the victim of one of these bombs, and he puts out a message to The Mandarin, telling him that he isn't afraid. And so The Mandarin blows up his house. It's an incredibly sad scene, as this monumental bachelor pad, the very symbol of superhero-level decadence, is razed to the ground. Stark ends up flying to Tennessee, where he discovers that the bombs aren't bombs-- they're actually failed experiments.



Apparently, someone is giving amputees treatments that will allow them to magically regrow their limbs, but sometimes they 'overheat' and blow the f**king hell up. This is where the plot starts to unravel. Guy Pearce, the villain, has created an army of evil former-cripples... but how did they turn evil? Do we just assume that if an amputee is given new limbs, they will automatically turn evil? It makes not an ounce of sense.

However, I can overlook this, because right after that scene is one of the best moments in all of comic book-filmdom: We meet Ben Kingsley's character in real life, and he's actually a British crack-smoking hooker-hiring actor who's been cooped up in a mansion for months. He's being used to play The Mandarin during broadcasts, and the bombs are just people overheating and Guy Pearce explaining them away as terrorist attacks.

In the final scenes, Stark saves the president from being killed (and stops Guy Pearce from installing the vice-president as a puppet leader), and Pepper Potts gets the limb-regrowing treatment. So instead of just sitting around like she did in The Avengers, she gets to kill Guy Pearce by blowing him up with a .50 caliber shell. Ben Kingsley and the VP are arrested, and everyone goes home happy.

So, what did I think? Well, as always, I loved RDJ as Tony Stark, and Ben Kingsley as The Mandarin sure as hell didn't hurt anything. Unfortunately, it did get a little too action-y (if that were possible). What's great about the Iron Man series is that it centers more around the characters than the explosions. But the final battle in this one was almost... dare I say it... reminiscent of Transformers. Still, the cast is great, it's funny, it's witty, and you shouldn't listen to the fanboys complaining about how it "Doesn't adhere to the comics." Nobody gives a flying f**k.

Final score for Iron Man 3? 8.5/10 stars. It's actually better than the second one, and the first really worthwhile blockbuster of the year. But that all will change with Star Trek: Into Darkness in two weeks. CAN'T F**KIN' WAIT!!!

And as an aside, yesterday marked the four-year anniversary of G-Force Productions, and the initiation date of this blog. Ironically, it also lands on National Star Wars Day (as in, 'May the fourth be with you').

Bye!

Unacceptable

If anyone wants to see an epic Minecraft server, type 76.126.62.94 into your Minecraft direct connect bar and PREPARE TO BE AMAZED! My friend Benny and I made this world, he supplied the technical knowledge and the amazing craftsmanship, I supplied the enormous Leekar head. There's a bunch of warps set up to my beautiful lighthouse, walled city, and desert town (yay, Cactus!)... anyway, none of this will make an ounce of sense to you if you don't play the amazing game that is Minecraft. So go download it right now, it'll take you only a few seconds. It's good s**t.

This week at my school is 'Acceptance Week.' Yeah, I know, it sounds absolutely moronic. Monday was 'Self-Acceptance Day', Tuesday was 'Disability Acceptance Day', Wednesday was 'Cultural Acceptance Day', and today was 'LGBT Acceptance Day.' So no, this is not fun whatsoever. In fact, most of this week has been all about me putting up with the dumbest s**t of my life.

Not to say that I don't support any of these causes (although Self-Acceptance Day is idiotic), but my school has set up some sort of culture where the slightest disparaging comment is treated as 'unproductive' and 'wrong-minded.' This week has been all about anti-bullying, but what they don't get is that friends can call each other names without it being 'bullying.' I even hate the WORD. Bullying. I choke on my tongue whenever I say it.
Graham Vert
I've been called an asshole, jackass, dipwad, moron, and God damn f**k s**t son of a bitch at school, and you don't see me complaining. That's partly because I can dish it out plenty as well, but also because I'm pretty thick-skinned. But just because a few people have gone to drastic measures (and committed suicide) we've all had to sit through this week.

See... this kind of crap... it pisses me off.

There hasn't been a serious case of bullying at my school for years, but for some reason, people still think it's a problem. You hear stories about Columbine and other school shootings, and the media will say that EVERY HIGH SCHOOL IN THE COUNTRY IS A BREEDING GROUND FOR DISILLUSIONED LONERS WHO WANT TO KILL EVERYBODY!!! AAAAAHHH!!! But as someone who actually GOES to high school every day, I can assure you that that's not the case. In reality, I've never seen something that I would call 'bullying' in my life. EVER. Chew on that for a while.

They even had us write down our own 'Personal Weaknesses', or things about ourselves that we don't like. Then they looped all the pieces of paper into chains and strung them around the tree in the courtyard. It's friggin' awful. All I wrote was "Sorry I couldn't think of anything. Good luck with your... accepting... whatever." I wish I could have been left out of this... F**K...

There are so many other things about this week I'd love to get into... the crappy motivational posters, the asinine pep talks... the vows of silence... all that ridiculous bulls**t. But I'd like to focus on Cultural Acceptance Day (or as sane people call it, Wednesday). Yesterday, people came to school dressed up in costumes denoting their culture. I actually thought about wearing a beret and waving a white flag while yelling "OUI OUI OUI! UN BAGUETTE! WE SURRENDAIR!" But I couldn't find a store that will sell chain-smoking cigarettes to minors. Anyway, some Israeli and Palestinian students were flown in from the Middle East to play ultimate frisbee.

Yeah, that's right-- ULTIMATE FRISBEE. Apparently, the two historically polarized ethnic groups have finally put aside their differences for a game of frisbee. I would have played, but I was a little nervous that s**t would start blowing up. However, I did get to yell at a German exchange student for invading France. So that was a plus.

Altogether, this has been a thoroughly unproductive and frustrating week for me. I would like to thank the Ross Valley School System and its infinite wisdom for making this all possible. Until next time the school board pisses me off, bye!

Life of Fry

I would like to say a few words... I've prepared something, but I don't think I'll read it.

Futurama was a good show. No, scratch that-- it was a GREAT show. I think that all of the bereaved here can agree that it was one of the greatest television shows ever to be cancelled by FOX news. And, just as this horrid network was responsible for condemning to death great shows such as Firefly, it is also responsible for making the abysmal decision to throw Futurama out in the cold, cancelled for years.

Of course, it was picked up again by Comedy Central, but apparently now even that once-great network that runs shows like The Daily Show and South Park has gone to the dark side. Yes, Comedy Central has officially ended Futurama's legendary 7-season run, and in the process doomed themselves to an eternity in Hades and an avalanche of angry letters. Graham Vert
Looking around today, I see many other TV shows that have lost loved ones in the past few years. Recently, we have laid to rest Seinfeld, the aforementioned Firefly, Monk, 24, and now Futurama. Not to mention that Breaking Bad and How I Met Your Mother are officially on their last legs. These are dark times for us to be living in.


Futurama is survived by its creator, Matt Groening, and its identical twin, The Simpsons.

However, I see many bright, flowering young TV shows standing here today-- Archer, The Big Bang Theory, House of Cards... I can't wait to see your inevitable MASH-like sputters, coughs, and eventual deaths.

The burial will be held on Sunday. In lieu of flowers, please bring Mom's Old-Fashioned Robot Oil. In accordance with the show's last wishes, it will be cremated via laser rifle and launched into space in that sunglasses case that they put Spock in at the end of The Wrath of Khan.

Bye!