The 2012 G-Force Coverage of the Republican Presidential Race: Part Six: Error-izona

Before I start off this post, I would like everyone to know: I made a massive miscalculation when I called Arizona prematurely for Ron Paul. Just because Arizona has its share of old, white, racist people does NOT mean that they would ever vote for Ron Paul. I apologize.

Anyway, Michigan and Arizona have both been converted to Romneyism (a religion that states that no one should have a definitive stance on anything), meaning that this is at least a setback for Rick Santorum, and at most a foreshadowing of the coming Super Tuesday primaries. If Romney bags enough states, he could win the election instantly.

Meanwhile, Rick Santorum (Google his name!), the candidate who looks like he was transformed into a real boy three days ago, made a remark even stupider than some of his previous statements. Now, appreciate the effort this takes: He has, in the past, said that he would re-instate Don't Ask, Don't Tell, that gay marriage is a step away from "Man-on-dog", and used a napkin as a metaphor for traditional marriage. So here we go... expect something stupid.

"President Obama wants everyone in America to go to college. What a snob". This guy is a massive asshole. Never MIND that nearly EVERY SINGLE F***ING AMERICAN wants to go to college, and wants their KIDS to go to college. Just... just... wow. Just wow.

So, what will the rest of the race look like? My best guess is that, eventually, Newt Gingrich will be the next one to drop out. He has only won one state. Now, using that kind of logic, it would seem like Ron Paul would be the next one to drop out, but he's too old and psychotic to know what he's doing.

Obama is the luckiest guy on the planet. He has been blessed with the weakest field of contenders in the history of the Republican Party. They have a flip-flopping, out of touch dickhead whose wife owns "A couple of Cadillacs". They have a crazy old coot who has even crazier people supporting him. They have a sweater-vested, gay-bashing, misogynistic, isolationist brown-shirt whose name is synonymous with **** *****. And they have a disgraced speaker of the house whose ego is so big that his head could be used as an emergency flotation device.

This is going to be SO EPIC.

Bye!

The Grahammies!

Well, it's that time of year: Time to announce the awards for the Grahammies, my own personal awards for achievement in film! If you want to bone up on the nominees, click HERE for my post about The Artist and my personal Best Picture nominees! And the awards are:

For Best Director, we have...

Duncan Jones, for Source Code. Neil Burger, for Limitless. Jonathan Levine, for 50/50. Brett Ratner, for Tower Heist. And Greg Mottola for Paul. And the Grahammy goes to...

DUNCAN JONES, FOR SOURCE CODE! GIVE IT UP! WHOOOOOOO!!!! Note: Duncan Jones also directed the indie sci-fi thriller Moon. Rent it. NOW.

For Best Actress, we have...

Berenice Bejo, for The Artist. Marion Cotillard, for Contagion. Michelle Monaghan, for Source Code. Tea Leoni, for Tower Heist. And Zoe Saldana, for Colombiana. And the Grahammy goes to...

MICHELLE MONAGHAN, FOR SOURCE CODE! AWWWW YEAAAAAA!!! Michelle Monaghan was also in Eagle Eye, one of the Best Movies Ever®.

For Worst Actress: Kristen Stewart, for Twilight. Frieda Pinto, for Planet of the Apes. Penelope Cruz, for Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. Blake Lively for Green Lantern. And Rosie Huntington-Whitley for Transformers: Dark of the Moon. And the Grahammy goes to...

ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITLEY, FOR DARK OF THE MOON! Fun fact: This is the first year since 2009 that Kristen Stewart has not won Worst Actress. It's unbelievable-- three years in a ROW!

For Best Actor, we have...

Jake Gyllenhall, for Source Code. Simon Pegg, for Paul. Zach Galifanakis, for The Hangover: Part II. Eddie Murphy, for Tower Heist. And Joseph Gordon-Levitt, for 50/50. And the Grahammy goes to...

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT, FOR 50/50!!! STEP ON UP!!! 50/50 is an epic movie, and Joe here was also in Inception, winner of my 2010 Best Visual Effects.

For Best Supporting Actor, we have...

Seth Rogen, for 50/50. Nick Frost, for Paul. Harrison Ford, for Cowboys and Aliens. Jeremy Renner, for Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol. And Andy Serkis, for Planet of the Apes. And the Grahammy goes to...

SETH ROGEN, FOR 50/50!!! LIKE A BOSS!!! Seth Rogen was also in Paul, Knocked Up, and Superbad, for those of you who want to see more movies with him.

For Worst Actor, we have...

Nicolas Cage, for Season of the Witch and Drive Angry. James Franco, for Planet of the Apes. Daniel Radcliffe, for Harry Potter: Part 7: Part 2, Daniel Craig, for Cowboys and Aliens. And Shia Lebouf for Dark of the Moon. And the Grahammy goes to...

JAMES FRANCO! YES, JAMES FRANCO, who gives yet another one of his trademark deadpan performances in Rise of the Planet of the Apes, the most mediocre film of the year.

For Best Original Screenplay, we have...

Source Code, 50/50, Contagion, Moneyball, and The Artist. And the Grahammy goes to...

SOURCE CODE!!! BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY!!! You know, I love how I'm announcing these like anyone gives a crap. Or like I didn't already know the winners when I made the list. Whatever.

For Best Sequel: The Hangover Part II, Ghost Protocol, Dark of the Moon, On Stranger Tides, and Harry Potter: Part 7: Part 2. And the Grahammy goes to...

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: GHOST PROTOCOL! BEAST MODE!!! Yes, Ghost Protocol beats out The Hangover: Part II for Best Sequel. I know I'll be getting both fan mail and hate mail for that one.

For Best Visual Effects, we have...

Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Paul, Green Lantern, Cowboys and Aliens, and Transformers: Dark of the Moon. And the Grahammy goes to...

PAUL, FOR ITS AMAZING ALIEN ANIMATION TECHNIQUE!!! BOSS SAUCE!!! YESSS!!!

Really, if this blog post is getting old for you, just read re-runs. I don't blame you. But anyway, now for the moment(s) we've all been waiting for... THE BEST AND WORST MOVIES OF THE YEAR!!!

For Worst Picture, the nominees are...

Green Lantern, Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Harry Potter: Part 7: Part 2, Cowboys and Aliens, and Hugo. And the Grahammy award for worst movie of all of 2011 goes to...

HUGO! YES, FOR ITS TERRIBLE PLOT, RECYCLED STORYLINE, AND ACTING SO BAD I COULD CRAP MY PANTS!!! YES!!! GIVE IT UP!!! APPRECIATE THE PURE BADNESS IT TAKES TO BEAT OUT GREEN LANTERN!!! YESSSSSS!!!

Now, before I continue, I would like you to know: This was my hardest decision. There were so many good movies this year, I just couldn't fit them all in. So, without further ado...

For Best Picture, the nominees are...

Source Code, Limitless, 50/50, Super 8, and Paul. I gave three of these movies 100% on my page on Rotten Tomatoes. This is really intense, but the Grahammy goes to...

SOURCE CODE!!! SOURCE CODE!!! SOURCE CODE!!! MY PERSONAL THIRD-FAVORITE MOVIE OF ALL TIME!!! EPIC WIN!!! EPIC!!!

Anyway, if you didn't enjoy the show, you can get your tickets refunded somewhere. All you have to do is print this page off, drive over to California, and tell me so (try and find me! Mwahahahahahaha!!!)

Bye!

<<< The winner, in all its glory.

Linsanity!

Hello, fellow Jeremy Lin fans! I was linitially going to do another Star Wars spoof post, but then was linspired by the past few Colbert Report episodes to comment on Jeremy Lin, basketball's latest linner. In just a few short days, Lin has risen to linfamy by making linpossible shot after linpossible shot in lincredibly lintense moments during Knicks games. He is becoming lincreasingly famous after just a few short bouts with stardom.

Jeremy Lin is also linraging some people, who think his lincredible rise is too good to be true, and that he will slowly peter out as enemy players figure out his techniques. He is even starring in a new linimated movie that has linpressed hundreds of critics.

It's called 'The Lincredibles'. It's about a family of basketball players who, against lincredible odds, get one last chance at redemption. I, personally, don't know why I haven't received a linvitation to linterview Jeremy Lin about his seemingly linpossible rise to fame. After all, I AM a pretty linfamous blogger. But no matter how linpressive Jeremy Lin gets, there will always be linposters and poseurs trying to linitate him.

Lintil next time, bye!

Oh, and by the way, linterally every sentence in this post has the word 'Lin' in it.

The Artist & Best Picture Noms

I finally saw The Artist, partly because my mom pressured me into it and partly because it has 97% on Rotten Tomatoes. I really have a hard time reviewing this movie, mainly because it is so different from movies like Source Code or Raiders of the Lost Ark that I can't begin to draw the comparison. But out of all the Best Picture nominees for 2011, The Artist wins. I can't imagine a scenario where it doesn't win Best Picture.

Let's start this review off by saying that, if I were comparing this to my personal top 10 favorite movies, I would be writing a very different review. It barely even comes close to the pure awesomeness of certain other movies which shall remain nameless. That said, this was pretty f'n good. It's not easy to write a script that can be understood with no speaking, but the writers of The Artist hit the nail right on the head.

My main problems with this movie, unfortunately, can't be overlooked. First off, it is SHAMELESSLY derivative. It has virtually the same plot as countless other movies, from 'A Star is Born' to 'Singing in the Rain'. By the way, if these movies ever get boring for you, watch Mel Brooks's 'Silent Movie'.

Secondarily, the whole movie was supposed to be a silent film, but it completely betrayed that intention when they finally started talking at the end. It wrecked the authenticity of the entire thing. I understand the whole point of the change into a 'Talkie', but I wish they could have done it some other way.

Fortunately, it (mostly) makes up for its faults with its benefits, those being spot-on performances and a few truly intense moments. Also, it has a dog.

So: Final score for The Artist? Well, against the other Best Picture nominees, it would merit 10/10. Really, what's it going up against? Hugo? Please. But, like I said, if I were to weigh it against other movies (a-hem, The Hangover), it would not do nearly as well.

Moving on to the other Best Picture nominees-- I've only seen three of them, The Artist, Hugo, and Moneyball. And really, they're the only ones worth seeing; Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close has no chance, seeing as it has only 46% on Rotten Tomatoes. And The Descendants is not in it to win it, it's only there for George Clooney to take a shot at Best Actor.

But the awards aren't over yet: Stay tuned for my personal awards, The Grahammies! The categories are:

Best Picture: Source Code, Limitless, 50/50, Super 8, and Paul.

Worst Picture: Green Lantern, Dark of the Moon, Deathly Hallows: Part II, Cowboys and Aliens, and Hugo.

Best Visual Effects: Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Paul, Green Lantern, Cowboys and Aliens, and Dark of the Moon.

Best Sequel: The Hangover Part II, Ghost Protocol, Dark of the Moon, On Stranger Tides, and Deathly Hallows: Part II

Best Original Screenplay: Source Code, 50/50, Contagion, Moneyball, and The Artist.

Best Actor: Jake Gyllenhall, Simon Pegg, Zach Galifanakis, Eddie Murphy, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Best Supporting Actor: Seth Rogen, Nick Frost, Harrison Ford, Jeremy Renner, and Andy Serkis.

Worst Actor: Nicolas Cage, James Franco, Daniel Radcliffe, Daniel Craig, and Shia Lebouf.

Best Actress: Berenice Bejo, Marion Cotillard, Michelle Monaghan, Tea Leoni, and Zoe Saldana.

Worst Actress: Kristen Stewart, Frieda Pinto, Penelope Cruz, Blake Lively, and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley.

Best Director: Duncan Jones, Neil Burger, Jonathan Levine, Brett Ratner, and Greg Mottola.

There are my nominations. Keep in mind, the nominees are only there because I either saw their movies or know enough about them to know they sucked. If I had seen every single movie this year, some of the nominees would look something like this:

Worst Picture: Jack and Jill, Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star, The Devil Inside, Abduction, and Cowboys and Aliens (anyway).

Worst Actor: Adam Sandler, Adam Sandler, Adam Sandler, Adam Sandler, and Adam Sandler. Note: This one is closer than the nominees suggest.

Bye!

Gulf Wars: Episode III: Rehash of the S***

WAR! The United States military industrial complex is crumbling under ruthless attacks by sociopathic Afghans in Kandahar. There are heroes on one side. Evil is all over the f***ing place.

In a stunning move, the fiendish cyborg Vice-President, Dick Cheney, has swept into Saddam Hussein's palace and captured the despot of Iraq.

As the rest of the world tries to execute Saddam for being a massive asshole, several crazy tribesmen from Kabul launch a desperate mission to continue blowing s*** up....

And there you go, part three of my epic Star Wars spoof. Expect parts four, five, and six soon! Or, at least, whenever I feel like it.

You know, I expect that one day I'll look back on my expletive-ridden posts and change these little things (*) into the actual word I'm omitting. I feel like a little kid when I do it, but whatever. At least I don't actually say the word 'bleep' in real life when I want to swear, like I used to.

I'm actually probably the most foul-mouthed 14 year-old on the face of the f***ing planet. See? Right there. I watch too much TV.

Bye!

New Crap...

Oh, hiya! As I'm sure you've noticed, there have been a few major changes to my blog site. I need to describe them now, mainly because they'll undoubtedly be changed sometime, and I'd like my blog templates to be remembered.The biggest change was the background, which went from being plain orange to a pattern of circles, including Yin and Yang, The Death Star, and Earth. Unfortunately, the middle has been eclipsed by my actual blog content, omitting the other circles (The Vertco Logo, Smiley Face, Nuclear symbol). Here's a pic of the full background:

I also edited the title, which is now a self-portrait coupled with some weird typeface for the G-Force logo. I'll almost definitely keep it, it's pretty parkour.

Also, my survey is over, and The Shark Steam Mop won in a landslide. As you may remember, I divined that The Shark Steam Mop was the best candidate for the GOP to win with in 2012. The results are in, and a whopping 100% of voters have voted for The Shark Steam Mop. No one knows just what impact this will have on the GOP race, but it definitely changes the status of previous front-runner Mitt Romney.

Bye!

Gulf Wars: Episode II: Clone of the Attack

There is unrest in the United States senate. Several countries have declared that they will be withdrawing from Iraq sooner than expected.

This movement, led by a mysterious country known as 'France', has made it difficult for the American War Hawks to get their empire on.

Several Republican senators are returning to the senate from a nine-week break of fishing in Maine to vote on the critical issue of creating a massive clusterf*** to assist the overwhelmed Taliban....

Well, I don't know where the hell I'm gonna go from here. If I want to spoof the six Star Wars films in the spirit of the past twelve years, I still have no idea which character would be cast as who. In this particular analogy, wouldn't Bush be on the good side? We can't have that. And what will my play on words for 'Revenge of the Sith' be? I don't know.

I do know one thing: Newt Gingrich is Jabba the Hutt no matter how you slice it.

Well, I don't have much else to talk about. We went to the beach and found some Japanese buoys. Really? That's how you spell it? Why not booies? Or bouies? Or boobies?

They're probably radioactive, so we put them in the backyard. If the walnut tree grows nipples in the middle of the night, we'll know something's up.

Bye!