Indiana Jones and the Ego Trip of George Lucas

As I may have mentioned before, my hometown, San Anselmo, is the residence of infamous director and Galactic Emperor George Lucas. Recently, he's been putting a lot of his Ewok blood money into building parks and shit around town, and even buried the power lines near his house so he wouldn't have to look at them from his McMansion (codenamed The Death Star by locals). And his latest project was the Imagination Park in downtown San Anselmo, directly across from the Coffee Roasters where I get my iced coffee after bike rides.

Adorning the park are two statues, one of Yoda and one of Indiana Jones. And seeing as Raiders of the Lost Ark is my favorite movie of all time, you can see why I took it upon myself to go see the statue's unveiling today at 5:00. There was a big-ass crowd, and I was disappointed to see that the police didn't wear Stormtrooper uniforms, but it was okay. Here's a pic:
















Yeah, I got pretty close to him. And it was the best thing I have ever done. Because as George f**king Lucas walked past me, I said, not quite audible enough for everyone else to hear, "Raiders of the Lost Ark was the best movie of all time. But aliens don't belong in an Indiana Jones movie." And I swear on my unborn twins (Luke and Leia), the guy half-turned around and said quietly, "I know."

I don't expect anyone else to believe me on this, but it's what happened. George Lucas just admitted that Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was an abomination of cinema. Okay, clearly he didn't say THAT, and he wouldn't use my language to describe it, but it was amazing. Oh, and in case you were wondering (you probably weren't), here's some of my favorite terms to describe Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

• "The anus of cinema"
• "The biggest disappointment of all time"
• "The Antichrist of film"
• "The movie that should not have been"
• "Justifiable homicide"
• "The rape of Indiana Jones"
• "A cinematic abortion gone wrong"
• "A total clusterf**k of aliens and Russians that killed the franchise"
• "Vine-swinging shit"
• "Spielberg's shark-jumping"
• "Spielberg's refrigerator-riding"
• And just simply... "The worst movie since the beginning of time"

If I missed any descriptive terms for this godawful film, send them to GLucas@raybans&plaidshirts.net. I'm sure he'd love to read them. But I guess I shouldn't be too mad at Lucas. After all, the money made from R2-D2 trash cans and Ewok plush dolls pretty much paid for the park.

Bye!

Death From Above

Okay, is it just me, or should Iron Man 4 be in North Korea? Here's the plot: Robert Downey Jr. (not Tony Stark) is on vacation in South Korea, but he's kidnapped and taken across the border by North Korean agents. They bring him to Kim Jong Un, who orders him to build the Iron Man suit to his specifications (shorter, squatter, fatter). Downey says no, telling Kim that it's just a movie, which angers Kim even more. So he says that the suit must be built by the end of the week or he'll kill him. Fortunately, Downey has studied the suit on-set, and is able to build one and escape overnight, in the process destroying North Korea's only supermarket. He flies back to America, eats cheeseburgers, and freedoms all over the place while Kim cries into his pillow. Now that his people are starving, he orders a nuke strike on US soil, but Robert Downey Jr. foils his plot by sewing $100 bills into an enormous missile net circling the globe. The day is saved, and Kim Jong Un commits seppuku.

In other words, I'm TOTALLY PSYCHED ABOUT IRON MAN 3!!! WOOO-HOOO! After the astronomical disappointment that was A Good Day to Die Hard, I need a new movie to rally around, and this looks like it's gonna be it. You may have noticed that I haven't been reviewing many movies lately, but that's because my parents have become addicted to Breaking Bad.

It's been a slow news week. How do I know? The headline on Friday's issue of The Week was about Margaret Thatcher's death. When the headline of my favorite magazine is about one person-- 1 F**KING PERSON-- dying, it's a slow news week.

...OR IS IT? Buried deep in my weekly source of news, I found this headline: A LASER BLASTER TO PROTECT THE NAVY. That's right. Friggin' lasers. Apparently, a $40 million prototype laser has been installed aboard an assault ship in the Persian Gulf, which uses triangulated energy to burn holes in s**t. And we're STILL LOSING WARS. Christ...

But do you know what this means, people? We are just a few years away from having laser blasters instead of crappy revolvers and shotguns. That's a whole NEW game for the NRA to play. And within a few decades, who knows? Dare I say it...?



THE FRIGGIN' DEATH STAR!!! OH MY GOD LASERS!!! PEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEW!!!

I'm kind of hyper right now, but you have to admit that this is amazing s**t. Unfortunately, the White House has already struck down a petition to build the Death Star, citing the estimated $60 trillion price tag. So now I'm announcing my candidacy for President of the United States in 2016. And I promise you now-- within my first 100 days in office, we will have a comprehensive plan to build a Death Star to strike fear into the hearts of our enemies.

Bye!

Gulf Wars: Episode IV: A New Pope

IT IS A PERIOD OF CIVIL WAR WITHIN THE CATHOLIC CHURCH. REBEL PRIESTS, STRIKING FROM HIDDEN LIBERAL COMMUNITIES, HAVE WON THEIR FIRST VICTORY AGAINST THE EVIL CHURCH HIERARCHY.

DURING THE BATTLE FOR POPEHOOD, REBEL SPIES MANAGED TO STEAL SECRET PLANS TO THE EMPIRE'S ULTIMATE WEAPON, THE MOLESTATION COVER-UP, A SERIES OF CONFIDENTIAL EMAILS WITH ENOUGH POWER TO DESTROY AN ENTIRE RELIGION.

PURSUED BY THE CHURCH'S SINISTER CARDINALS, POPE FRANCIS THE FIRST RACES HOME ABOARD HIS POPEMOBILE, CUSTODIAN OF THE STOLEN EMAILS THAT CAN UN-BRAINWASH THE PEOPLE AND RESTORE FREEDOM TO THE WORLD...



Yeah, this is back. As you may remember, I've already written Gulf Wars Episode I: The Phantom Weapons of Mass Destruction, Episode II: Clone of the Attack, and Episode III: Re-hash of the S**t. And while this story doesn't really pertain to the war in Iraq whatsoever, I've been waiting for a good pun for A New Hope to come along for over a year now.

In fact, throughout my life, I've tried and failed to come up with a pun for A New Hope. And EVERY TIME, the only thing I could come up with was "A New Pope." But seeing as we haven't had a new pope for eight years, it was utterly useless. Which is why I'm writing this ASAP.

So yes, A POPE HAS BEEN CHOSEN!!! And he's from South America, or as Europe calls it, "The New World." Oh... s**t... "A New World" might have worked... F**K!!!

Pope Francis the first is Argentinian, making him the first Pope to be from the Americas. Still on the list: Antarctica. Anyway, we'll need to wait a while to find out exactly what his stances are on things like contraception and abortion, namely because no one has ever heard of this man before in their lives. And here's what pisses ME off: CNN announced the new Pope (God, I love saying those words together) practically SECONDS after white smoke rose from the Vatican's chimney. Which makes me wonder... is there some asshole in the bowels of CNN watching a live video feed of that f**king chimney while twiddling his thumbs?

I don't even care. Oh, and if you have some churchly aspirations in life, click THIS video to find out how to become pope.

Bye!

Serenity Now

IF YOU WANT TO HEAR SOMETHING AMAZING, KEEP READING. Are you still here? Good. I thought you looked smart. So, here it is--- get ready--- tension building--- adrenaline flowing--- PREPARE YOUR MIND TO BE BLOWN---

A new deep space program involves sending 'Firefly-class' spacecraft to mine nearby asteroids. Yeah, FIREFLY-class. Ringing any bells, Joss Whedon fans? Firefly, of course, is the short-lived but much loved TV series that was cancelled after only 14 episodes. And it's named for the Firefly-class starships, one of which (the Serenity) is the show's Millennium Falcon. Also, watch Firefly and the movie adaptation, Serenity. They're awesome.

But now is not the time to tell you about the great filmography of Joss Whedon (who also directed The Avengers, just sayin'). Because today, another school shooting in Georgia left one person dead. My gun death tally counter is at 1,479 so far, counting this one today. And it'll just keep rising.

If you look back, you'll see that my past... eight blog posts have all included the phrase "There was another shooting today." It's become the Osama Bin Laden of news--- the big story that everyone gets sick of in a few minutes but you can't read or watch any news without hearing about it. For instance, I haven't mentioned anything recently about Chuck Hagel's confirmation hearings, or North Korea's most recent direct threat to the United States, or the wildfires that have been raging across Australia for the past month.

 
Australia: The only continent where bird watching is a full-contact sport.

But in all cerealness, there's been a major shooting every day this year so far. Check that link from yesterday, not a SINGLE day has gone by. And the senate probably won't pass any new gun laws for six months, so... expect more of the same.

Let's end on a high note: JJ Abrams has been officially selected as the director of Star Wars: Episode VII: Sith Happens. I'm speculating on the title, but you get the point. We could also call it The Han-Over, or Gungan Style, or The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Sand-People. I'm getting off-message. Abrams, as you probably recall, is the director of the new Star Trek movie and its sequel, coming out this year. So yes, he's a busy guy. My prediction for Episode VII is that all the main characters will crash on a remote island on a remote planet, and have to fight for their lives to escape the evil demon smog-monster alien thing...

But again, I'm just speculating. Bye!

Star Wars Episode VII: A Galaxy Facepalms

THE APOCALYPSE IS UPON US.

George F**king Lucas has once again sold out to make mountains of money, but this time it'll be even more painful than the Ewoks, Jar-Jar Binks, and The Clone Wars combined. He sold Lucasfilm arts to the god damn Disney corporation. Yeah-- DISNEY. And you KNOW what I think about Disney. It should die.

But it gets far, far worse. Disney announced that they are now working on Star Wars Episodes VII, VIII, and IX. We are so screwed. Now, it's not like I KNOW they're going to suck, but what do you think? Darth Vader died. The Emperor died. Now there's only one villain left to kill: Jar-Jar. Hmm... if that's the plot, maybe the title of my blog post should have been 'A Galaxy Rejoices'.

The important thing to remember is that Lucas was a terrible director anyway. The best Star Wars movie (The Empire Strikes Back) was only the best because Lucas had virtually no part in it. Then again, we didn't think things could get any worse after the Ewoks, and we were wrong, weren't we?


But I don't care. As much as I hate these movies, I can't help but go see the new ones AS SOON AS THEY COME OUT. It's an absolute must-see. Set your timers for 2015, people. This is important. Or maybe the world will end in December and we won't have to worry about this at all. But seriously, how will they go about this? They can't use Harrison Ford. But at the same time, they really have to. They need an entirely new arrangement of heroes and villains. It's such a pain...

In other news, there's a hurricane doing more damage to New Jersey then Chris Christie did. Which is something big. Unfortunately, the crew from Jersey Shore was somehow spared horrific deaths. Why even bother having a hurricane then? It's pointless.

I love it here in California, where the only thing you have to worry about is the constant thought that an earthquake could strike at any minute. I won't get into it all, but click HERE for my list about all the impending natural (an unnatural) disasters ready to strike the 50 states at any minute.

Bye!

Gulf Wars: Episode III: Rehash of the S***

WAR! The United States military industrial complex is crumbling under ruthless attacks by sociopathic Afghans in Kandahar. There are heroes on one side. Evil is all over the f***ing place.

In a stunning move, the fiendish cyborg Vice-President, Dick Cheney, has swept into Saddam Hussein's palace and captured the despot of Iraq.

As the rest of the world tries to execute Saddam for being a massive asshole, several crazy tribesmen from Kabul launch a desperate mission to continue blowing s*** up....

And there you go, part three of my epic Star Wars spoof. Expect parts four, five, and six soon! Or, at least, whenever I feel like it.

You know, I expect that one day I'll look back on my expletive-ridden posts and change these little things (*) into the actual word I'm omitting. I feel like a little kid when I do it, but whatever. At least I don't actually say the word 'bleep' in real life when I want to swear, like I used to.

I'm actually probably the most foul-mouthed 14 year-old on the face of the f***ing planet. See? Right there. I watch too much TV.

Bye!

Gulf Wars: Episode II: Clone of the Attack

There is unrest in the United States senate. Several countries have declared that they will be withdrawing from Iraq sooner than expected.

This movement, led by a mysterious country known as 'France', has made it difficult for the American War Hawks to get their empire on.

Several Republican senators are returning to the senate from a nine-week break of fishing in Maine to vote on the critical issue of creating a massive clusterf*** to assist the overwhelmed Taliban....

Well, I don't know where the hell I'm gonna go from here. If I want to spoof the six Star Wars films in the spirit of the past twelve years, I still have no idea which character would be cast as who. In this particular analogy, wouldn't Bush be on the good side? We can't have that. And what will my play on words for 'Revenge of the Sith' be? I don't know.

I do know one thing: Newt Gingrich is Jabba the Hutt no matter how you slice it.

Well, I don't have much else to talk about. We went to the beach and found some Japanese buoys. Really? That's how you spell it? Why not booies? Or bouies? Or boobies?

They're probably radioactive, so we put them in the backyard. If the walnut tree grows nipples in the middle of the night, we'll know something's up.

Bye!

Gulf Wars: Episode I: The Phantom Weapons of Mass Destruction

Turmoil has engulfed the United States. The price of outlying country's oil imports is in dispute.

Hoping to resolve the matter with a nonexistent nuclear weapons program, the greedy and insane Saddam Hussein has declared war on the United States by being confused with Osama Bin Laden.

While the congress and senate endlessly debate the alarming chain of events, The Decider-in-Chief has secretly dispatched two battalions of US soldiers, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, to settle the conflict.

There you have it. My next five blog posts will be devoted to incredibly classic spoofs on the six Star Wars movies, not counting the crappy Clone Wars movie or the Holiday Special. Actually, the Holiday Special would work very well. 'The Gulf Wars War on Christmas' sounds very good.

I still just can't get OVER how BAD this movie was... and now it's getting released in 3D. It's just so frickin' sad...

Anyway, not all my next blog posts will be complete wastes. I can still rant about how big of an asshole Mitt Romney is, I just have to wait a bit until my opening crawl spoof is finished. But still, maybe I'm just doing this to get six free blog posts with minimal creative input. And besides, I still don't know how I would cast these things... aaaargh....

Too much thinking. And besides, just imagining The Phantom Menace in your mind can decrease your mental capabilities, so don't keep reading.

Are you reading this. Screw off.

Bye!

Star Smores: Epic Load III: Rehash of the S***

Well, I'm very annoyed. The idiot math homework is incredibly dumb. I find it amazing that the guy who invented likelihood and probability was able to come up with a whole new math system, but couldn't figure out that the probability of him being detested by middle schoolers everywhere was about 1:1.

So, I was rooting through my secret boxes and evil compartments in my closet when I came across the dusty shoebox full of Star Wars characters that I collected when I was young and foolish. And I looked up some of the stuff on eBay--- and it's selling for double what I got it for. So, I plan on selling off my entire collection, except for some very, very rare things that even I, the least nostalgic person ever, could never part with.

<< Hmmmm... they say that someone with a larger lightsaber is compensating for smaller force capabilities. OH! NERD SLAM!

Anyway, this may be my last and final Star Wars related post. What a shame. No, actually, not really: I've been liking this whole franchise less and less recently. It was inevitable that I eventually try to capitalize off of my 'vintage Star Wars 1997 A New Hope Landspeeder with duel cockpits and whatever'. Oh, and if you want one of those, contact me at this number:

202-456-1111 HAHAHA! I LAUGH AT YOU IF YOU CALL THIS NUMBER!

In life, there are sometimes complete injustices. For instance, there's a website called ROTTEN TOMATOES that ranks movies based on critics' ratings using a tomatometer. Good movies get a red tomato, bad ones get a rotten green splat. Really good movies get a badge that reads 'Certified Fresh Tomatoes'. And no, I'm not talking about how the entire Star Wars series got red tomatoes-- I'm talking about how the Harry Potter series did. Wow. Just sad. I hate those movies.

So, in order to counterbalance the evilness of franchises like Star Wars and Harry Potter, I've decided to start an 'action figure' line of BAD MOVIE characters. My action figure has an inflating latex ego, while Willp's has an 'Epic Sword' toy and a Hypothalamus playset. In stores that are already filled with useless crap now!

Bye!

May the Farce be With You: A Star Wars Special Edition

Hello, and irrapadezz. Today's blog is short, but what I'm going to say has to be said.

In the past two years, I've noticed a fatal drop in the quality of Star Wars, starting with the Clone Wars animated movie (gag), in which a battle droid actually made a JOKE. They're droids, dummy. They can't make jokes. And then there was the pathetic episode of the Clone Wars TV series, 'Legacy of Terror', in which brain-dead Geonosians infected with zombified worms tried to kill a Jedi that I hate (Luminara Unduli). I stopped watching it after that. So, if Lucas doesn't stop making a farce of the force, I say all us Star Wars fans do something never done before: We stop worshipping the ground he has walked on.

Today's TOPIC OF INTEREST is, in keeping with my Star Wars special edition, Cad Bane, a current Star Wars: The Clone Wars character, and another reason why The Clone Wars SUCKS TO HIGH HEAVEN. Here's a pic:

Do I need to say how weird that is? I sure hope not. The guy is, like, some kind of a space cowboy or something. Of course, being a cowboy in the Star Wars universe would be hard, since they don't have any cows. Maybe they'd call him a reekboy. Or a rancorboy. Or a nerfboy. I dunno.

So far I've missed six episodes of The Clone Wars ever since I stopped watching them, and to tell you the truth, I don't miss them one stinking bit. It used to be that I'd wait every week to watch a new Clone Wars episode, and if there wasn't a new one, I'd watch a rerun. Of course, this all has to be done off the computer, since I don't have a TV. Yes, you heard me right. I don't have a TV. Call out the national guard, this has to be some kind of Geneva Convention violation.

So, anyway, our friend Cad here acts like any respectable space-cowboy. He shoots people. And apparently, George 'Don't forget he also made Howard the Duck' Lucas wants us to believe that even though all he has are a couple of guns and a really bad hat, he can go up against a Jedi in battle and win. I think Cad can be classified with other Lucas-ian failures, going down in history with:

The Ewoks

Jar Jar Binks

The 'Star Wars Holiday Special'

And the Ewok movie, 'Caravan of Courage'. Don't ask. Really don't ask.

May the farce be with you.

Bye!

Seizures®!

I just realized that we had a holiday recently that went uncelebrated:

STAR WARS: THE CLONE WARS CAME OUT IN SEASON TWO----- WOOO-HOOO!!!!!!!

Yes! And Cad Bane is being included as a permanent character, too.

As you may recall, my friend, ______, ran for student council as 6th grade commissioner. Now he didn't win THAT, but he is now Mrs. ______'s homeroom rep! Congratulations, ________! I'll tell him the good news as soon as I tell him he was running.

Everyone, Halloween is coming, and that's always a good sign. That means that there's LESS THAN A MONTH TILL MY BIRTHDAY! This year's list: A cell phone, a copy of Lego Star Wars 1, and a copy of Spore (a video game promoted by Steve Martin!). But this also means that soon, people will be wandering around the streets dressed like idiots and begging for candy. That's why this year, just to ADD to the scariness of our house, I shall be throwing pieces of steak out our second story window at the trick-or-treaters.

People, I know we are all wondering which Halloween candy to buy. This is why I am publicly supporting the all-new candy, Seizures®! Their slogan is: 'They're so tasty and extraordinary, you'll eat so much you'll have a coronary!' Go Seizures®!

Bye!

The Greatest Movie Quotes of all Time...

I have been sickeningly emasculated.

We had the square dancing unit in PE today.

Need I say more?

That was a beautiful Haiku written and directed by me. Today's pearl of anti-wisdom is: You can't teach an old dog new tricks, unless you inlog a memory chip into his brain.

And now... the moment you have been waiting for ever since you read the title of this blog... the greatest movie quotes of all time!!!! Read on, Macbreath.

"My preshisssssssssssss..."

-Gollum in 'The Lord of the Rings'

"Welcome... to Jurassic Park."

-Nutcase scientist/professional theme park designer in Jurassic Park.

"Luke... I am your father!!!"

-Darth Vader in 'Star Wars V'

"We're gonna need a bigger boat."

-Sheriff in 'Jaws'.

"These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise".

-Leonard Nimoy in 'Star Trek' (2009).

"Ahl be bahk".

-The Terminator in.. (duh)....'The Terminator'

"There's a new sheriff in town"

-Whacky dude in 'Blazing Saddles'

"I bought a car... it turned out to be an alien robot. Who knew?"

-Sam Witwicky in 'Transformers' (2007).

"Bond... James Bond."

-James Bond in any random Bond movie.

This has been TOPIC OF INTEREST. I will finish this off with pictures of all these movies.

Kit Fisto RULES!!!

Kantakoonga. Hi, people! I'm still trying to start all my blogs a different way, (although I may have already screwed up on that) so this was today's. The survey winner is... KIT FISTO!!!! Second place is Oppo Rancisis, and Ki-Adi Mundi and Plo Koon are tied for third. Here is a picture of the great winner:

Kit Fisto whupps butt!!!

I now must obey my most evil demons and give GI Joe spoilers. Time for my favorite feature, ERTERTERT BIG SPOILER ALERT!!!! Highlight the following blank space to see the selected spoiler, as well as today's TOPIC OF INTEREST. Here you go: DUDE! GI Joe was pathetically cool! It had no plot line, no story, and no character development, but it had the COOLEST FREAKING GADGETS!!!! Jets, Nanomites, missiles, The Eiffel Tower collapsing---- SWEET!!! Of course, that's all there really is to it. SPOILERS END HERE.

Here's a picture of the GI Joe movie:

Also, even though I forgot to blog about it, we went to see the Harry Potter movie. ERTERTERT BIG SPOILER ALERT!!! It was undoubtedly the worst of the series. When Fawkes (Dumbledore's Phoenix) left Hogwarts, I wished that he had stayed with Harry. Oh, well. Also, I can't believe that this computer doesn't recognize the word 'Dumbledore'. I must have a word with Steve Jobs. SPOILERS END HERE. Of course, there really isn't much to spoil, seeing as we've all read the books. Oh, well.

Join me tomorrow when I unveil the newest brand of car and the Brain Tickler. (By the way, I'm giving the Brain Tickler a logo--- it is now the Brain Tickler!!!!

Bye!!!! Raspberry Plastic Funny Furry Jelly Tickle Bear!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wikieverything

Hi! I think I have a new survey topic: Who's your favorite Jedi? To assist with this, I shall upload some pics of the Jedi in the survey. From top to bottom, Oppo Rancisis, Ki-Adi Mundi, Plo Koon, and Kit Fisto. From bottom to top, my favorite to my fourth favorite. I shall add this survey shortly (speaking of which, Oppo Rancisis arrived in the mail; he's cool).

My TOPIC OF INTEREST today is Wikipedia. Once, it was a site that seemed for all the world like the greatest encyclopedia ever. Now, there are several spin-offs. Here they are:

Wookieepedia (Star Wars)

Darthipedia (Star Wars humor)

Wikisimpsons (The Simpsons)

Futurama Wiki (Matt Groening's Futurama)

Brickipedia (legos)

Memory Alpha (Star Trek) Izzerpizzerplumberdizzer

Transformers Wiki (duh) typed and searched on

Barney Wiki (gag) Google comes up with my

Barbie Wiki (baaaaaaarfffff) blog!!!!!!

Spider Man Wiki (guess)

My response is------------------------ WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

The Ultimate Brain Tickler Cheat Code

Yo, people follower persons! I'm gonna give the brain tickler's answer now, so highlight the following blank space to reveal the invisible ink: Farrah (Fawcett)I think I'll give a complete brain tickler summary; all the answers to all the brain ticklers. Here it goes:

May 12, 2009: Mixed Metaphor

May 17, 2009: The Letter E

May 26, 2009: A Color Spectrum

May 27, 2009: Overalls

June 16, 2009: Kazakhstan, Uzbekistan, Turkmenistan, Tajikistan, Kyrgyzstan, Azerbaijan, Georgia, Armenia, Ukraine, Belarus, Latvia, Estonia, Lithuania, Moldova, United Arab Emirates, Eritrea, Burkina Faso, Cote D'ivore, Equatorial Guinea, South Africa, Lesotho, Andorra, Singapore, The Vatican, San Marino, Slovenia, Croatia, Bosnia-Herzegovina, Vojvodina, Serbia, Macedonia, Dominica, Antigua, St. Vincent, Seychelles, Maldives, Mauritius, Solomon Islands, Czech, Slovakia, Vanuatu, Kiribati, Micronesia, Marshall Islands, Tonga, Samoa, Brunei, Montenegro, and East Timor

June 27, 2009: It's in the middle of it all

July 15, 2009: Biden argues against Obama plan

That's my brain tickler answer funfest.

Today's TOPIC OF INTEREST is.... Subliminal messages. As far as I understand, at night, you can sneak up to a sleeping person and whisper subliminal commands in their ear--- and they will obey you. Totally bogus?

No. The world is full of little purple piggies.

It works BEAUTIFULLY. I, for example, really wanted a Star Wars action figure called Oppo Rancisis. I whispered in my mom's ear last night: Buy Graham Oppo Rancisis. He is your favorite character. You want Graham to have him.

The very next morning, I discovered mom had emailed someone with an Oppo Rancisis action figure. She bought if for $20.

I feel evil.

Bye!!

Attack of the Clowns

Yo, peoples! I just finished my eighth comic book that I've written. Here they are in order:

Squad Nine

The Yard Turds

Let Me In To Bleeping Heaven

Revenge of the Nerds

Lawrence of Siberia

Stupid For Dumies (yes, I meant to spell it that way)

The Amazing Exploits of Nacho Man (and Taco Boy)

Luau Ho!

Also, my ninth will be Rush Hour. A

Today's TOPIC OF INTEREST will be Sarah Palin. No physical force on Earth can possibly explain or describe the utmost damage she's done to her image by resigning. I must say, I thoroughly detest her. People apparently say that us men say stuff like that 'cause she's a woman. However, that is far from true. It's because she is totally rassa-frackin' stupid. She has become so addicted to the press spotlight that she actually resigned to get into the press sight again. McCain's campaign really did that, and now she can't stand not being ga-gaad over.

I was just looking at the comments on the CNN live Michael Jackson funeral site. Some comments are from Malaysia, Finland, the Philippines, Tokyo, Hong Kong, Jamaica, Ontario, Vietnam, DC, Ohio, Texas, Wisconsin, Florida, Philadelphia, New York, Singapore, Georgia, Michigan, Baltimore, New Jersey, Arkansas, South Carolina, Mississippi, Sweden, Ireland, The UK, Detroit, Puerto Rico, Antigua, Trinidad, Nashville, Orlando, Indianapolis, Kansas City (the one in Florida), Wales, Albany, Fresno, St. Louis, Miami, Omaha, Des Moines, Augusta, The US Virgin Islands, and weirdest of all, Silicone Valley, CA. Like, y'know? (There was also a comment that asked ' Who is Michael Jackson?' OOPS.

See ya later!

Clone Wars crud

Hi, guy-men-people persons! Today's TOPIC OF INTEREST is Star Wars: The Clone Wars. Practically everyone I know (and like) is totally psyched about Season Two. Because Lucas and ILM (Industrial Light and Magic) are hushed up about it, here's what I've heard so far.

1). After complaints that Ahsoka Tano's outfit is 'too revealing', Lucas decided to give her a 'commando suit', just like Anakin's.

2). Bounty Hunter Cad Bane will be working solo from now on; he steals a jedi holocron in an episode called 'Cargo of Doom' with no assistance. The holocron supposedly contains the names of force sensitive children.

3). In the second episode, called 'The Holocron Heist', Bane and Darth Sidious use the names in the holocron to create a sith army on Mustafar.

4). Ahsoka is captured by Bane when she is electrocuted by a trap he set.

Who knows how much of this is true? I sure do.

In response to the brain tickler, the answers are: Kazakhstan, Uzbekistan, Turkmenistan, Tajikistan, Kyrgyzstan, Azerbaijan, Georgia, Armenia, Ukraine, Belarus, Latvia, Estonia, Lithuania, Moldova, United Arab Emirates, Eritrea, Burkina Faso, Cote D'ivore, Equatorial Guinea, South Africa, Lesotho, Andorra, Singapore, The Vatican, San Marino, Slovenia, Croatia, Bosnia-Herzegovina, Vojvodina, Serbia, Macedonia, Dominica, Antigua, St. Vincent, Seychelles, Maldives, Mauritius, Solomon Islands, Czech, Slovakia, Vanuatu, Kiribati, Micronesia, Marshall Islands, Tonga, Samoa, Brunei, Montenegro, and East Timor. They missed a LOT.

So, if you got 15 or more of these, pat yourself on the back--- you won!

THE ONES HE SAID THAT HE SHOULDN'T HAVE.

Here are the countries that aren't countries anymore. Also, some never were countries.

Scotland, Yugoslavia, Czechoslovakia, 'both' Yemens, Zaire (now The Democratic Republic of The Congo), Greenland, Guam, The Caribbean, Transylvania, and Puerto Rico.

The Valley Blog

Hi, like, y'know? I, like, got dared by one of my friends to, like, do all of today's blog in, like, valley girl talk, y'know? But, for all our sanity, I think it would be best if I chickened out on this one. I owe you five bucks, James.

I need to clear up some controversy. A few days ago, my mom decided to become a follower. This blog site remembered this computer as my own, so that's why my second follower has the same identification picture as mine.

Today's TOPIC OF INTEREST is Youtube, and specifically, a video called 'Charlie the Unicorn'. A few months back, my friends told me about 'this cool video that you've GOT to check out'. I did. That was the biggest mistake of my life.

Charlie the Unicorn SUCKS. I mean this big time. Those squeaky voices cut into my soul like a butcher's knife into warm swiss cheese. Watch it at your own risk. God help you if you decide to watch it just because of this warning. This is the most serious I ever have gotten on this blog.

I hope to heck you decide to avoid it like a flea-infested Ewok. Please. Do not watch this evil, evil video. Consider yourself officially warned.

Wookiepedia: The Star Wars Wiki

Aloha, people who are wasting their time reading someone else's blog! Today's TOPIC OF INTEREST is... (drumroll, please). WOOKIEEPEDIA! I told you all about Wookieepedia, the Star Wars Wikipedia, a couple weeks back. I have now discovered the way to edit and revise all the articles! If you'd like to view the article I've slaved over for the past two days, type in on good ol' Wookiee: Star Wars: The Clone Wars: The Official Episode Guide: Season 1. I have been fact checking (no, not fat checking), adding links, doing drafts, and even trying to write a page on Jedi Master G Veidt, who does not exist. G Veidt, however, is an extensively cloaked and disguised version of my name. Anyway, on this article you will see a list of characters: I added in Count Dooku and everything below 'Ziro Desilijic Tiure'. On the Droid Models list, I added in everything below R2-series astromech droid, and on Sentient Species I added in all of the ones below Yoda's Species. I also added in the whole planets section and everything below 'lightsaber' under Weapons & Technology. I've been hecka busy.

For the brain tickler, by the way, here's a word that'll help you out with a TON of the countries: Kazakhstan.

Bye!

The Grand Republic of Kissmyassistan

LAST DAY OF SCHOOL-- YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Blabba- shnabba zipper-ips-pang!!!! Zorguva shlabba doo! Izzer-plizzer plummerdizzer! That was planned. I just got home and watched two back-to-back Clone Wars episodes. They should have action figures of Cad Bane and the Trandoshan guy who steals R-2. I will now have mucho more time to blog. I heard that the millionth word in the english language will be the newest one as soon as someone makes one up, so I will do so now: please vote on which one I should make the millionth word in the english language:

Rassa-frackin', a word(?) that means the 'f ' word, the 'c' word, the 's' word, the 'a' word, the other 'c' word, the 'h' word, the 'd' word, the 'p' word, another 'c' word, the 'd' word and the 'flakkajakka' word. The last one was uncalled for.

Oosgangwawa, a word(?) which means 'relating to the thin connection between toothpaste and pasta'.

Chlubmubbadoo, a word(?) which means 'may lotus plants and cinder blocks fall upon your tuckus, brother'.

Irripadezz, a word(?) which refers to the country of Kistipolistan, which does not exist.

and finally, a word which refers to the republic of Kissmyassistan: Siglubbachev.

This survey will be added soon. Bye!