In 2010, the body of King Tut was inspected. After a thorough examination, it was found that his 'one-eyed pocket cobra' was MISSING. No joke. After searching for hours on end, the news finally got out, prompting mass panic and street riots in Egypt. Of course, some will say that this was only to overthrow their leader, Hosni Mubarak, but I think we should teach the controversy.
Eventually, the 'Li'l Nile' was found, but some experts (myself and Stephen Colbert included) believe that the 'Mummified Cheeto' was SWAPPED, for one of two reasons.
1) According to historians, Tut had a severe case of the shrinkies. In other words, the Egyptians may have stolen it to cover up for their ancient king's inequality.
2) The theory that I, personally (and Stephen Colbert) believe: King Tut's penis has magical powers!!! You see, the self-professed mentalist Uri Geller recently bought an island in Scotland, saying it was the burial ground of an 'Ancient Egyptian Treasure', and that he was aided in his quest by a magical orb that once belonged to Einstein. No, he's NOT crazy.
Well. 'Ancient Egyptian Treasure'. Seems legit. HA! This can mean only one thing-- Geller is closing in on the hidden location of the most sought-after relic of all time:
KING TUT'S PENIS!!! DUHDUHDUUUUUUUUH!!!
Well, enough of the recap. What new information do I have? Oh, I don't know. Just go on Wikipedia and look up Uri Geller. Guess who he's related to. I bet you can't. Do you know? All right, I'll tell you.
SIGMUND FREUD! THAT IS IT! THE ENTIRE FREUD FAMILY HAS HAD AN UNHEALTHY OBSESSION WITH DICKS FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER!!!
That's what this is. Sigmund Freud didn't actually believe any of that gobbledygook he spouted off-- he was just sending a message to his descendants, in the hope that one day, they would follow in his footsteps and pick up where they left off! I figured it out! Your plan didn't work, Sigmund! I WIN!!!
Now, I must go to Scotland! Uri Geller is about to have the fight of his life!
Bye!
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