Revolutionaries III: One Egg is Un Oeuf

Yeah, I'm still doing this, settle down. I'm reporting from 1776 to tell you that the people of the past are F**KING DICKS. Remember those Mexicans I picked up on the way to Philly? They tried to kill me, and they took my time machine. So now I'm stuck, with no awesome Chevy Camaro to take me around. I have, however, stowed away on a French ship leaving New Orleans and heading for New York, so it's all good. Now I need to find a way to get BACK TO THE FUTURE!!! Ah... I love typing those words.

Today's school truth: #5: The internet is the root of all evil. It will distract you using everything it's got. True dat.

The French are nice enough people, but they keep thumbing their noses at me and telling other people that their muskets are inferior to theirs. So at the end of the day, nothing's changed for 237 years. 

The Frenchies here do possess some pretty advanced weaponry, however-- their rifles are capable of being dropped to the ground in surrender in 0.06 seconds.

 

The outer thirds of the French flag can be detached in case of emergency surrendering.

Anyway, it looks like the Mexicans will be taking my car to Mexico City, probably to turn it into a low-rider... I'm so screwed. Or they won't know how to put in the gas and have to push it the last 1,000 miles. So maybe I'll have the last laugh.

I'll be able to write soon about my first visit to New York. Until then, I'll have to duck around the ship, faking a French accent and fighting scurvy.

This was a mistake.

Bye!

Revolutionaries

I should explain the weird typeface... in fact, I should explain a lot of stuff. I've been pretty pissed off at lawmakers and America in general the past couple of days (see my previous post, WHYYYYoming), so I've decided to do something drastic. Yeah, I built a time machine. And I've traveled back to 1776. Why? I'll f**king tell you why. Because while Republicans and Democrats bitch and moan about how the founding fathers are really on their side, I figured SOMEone has to find out themselves. And as always, the task falls to me.

So, this is an exciting point in time, right? WRONG. There's nothing here but grassy hills and bogs. I'm pretty much ready to go home. And if you're wondering how I'm writing this blog post... well... shut up. Because plotline. And they have typewriters now. I think.

I usually write about the news when I post s**t on this blog, but I have no idea what's going on in 2013, do I? But I also have no idea what's going on in 1776. I'm pretty sure that I'm somewhere in California, which is a problem. I need to get from one side of 'Merica to the other. Which is actually fine, seeing as my time machine is really a modified car. No, not a DeLorean. It's a 1969 Chevy Camaro. 



Yeah, THAT'S MY CAR.

Unfortunately, it doesn't get very good gas milage, so I'm probably going to have to push it past Texas. Unless anyone knows any good gasoline substitutes readily available in 1776, like whale oil or Benjamin Franklin's hand lotion. Sigh... I'm done. Today's school truth: #3: I never met a test I had to study for.

Kind of moot now though, seeing as I have to either drive down to Mexico or try to cross the high Sierras with a Camaro. Now that I think about it, I should have driven across the country and THEN traveled back in time. You live and you learn...

No matter what, though, I'm gonna get to the east coast. And then PUNDITS BEWARE!!! We'll just see who's right about what!

Good day!

The 2013 G-Force Coverage of the San Francisco Car Show (Sponsored by Eggo)

Before I get started, no, that's not a typo. I've been asked by a lot of people (and by A LOT, I mean one) why my Car Show coverage is always a year in advance. That's because the cars on exhibit in 2012 are actually 2013 models, 2011 cars are actually 2012 models, and so on. It's odd, I know, but I have to capitulate to their unreasonable market-research tested car names. So, here we go.

Ordinarily, I blog about EVERY SINGLE DAMN CAR COMPANY at the show, but this time, I'm devoting this only to the companies that MATTER. So, without further ado, I give you THE 2013 G-FORCE COVERAGE OF THE SAN FRANCISCO CAR SHOW (SPONSORED BY EGGO)!!!

CHEVY: Chevy is my favorite automotive company, and also the first on this list. What a coincidence! Basically nothing Chevy does these days will disappoint me, but I have to say: The new Impala looks a little... hmm... Toyota-y. Too toned down, not enough of that Chevy pizzazz everyone loves. However, the Camaro was as awesome as ever.

FORD: Ford is the #1 choice by my parents to replace our old crappy 1994 Isuzu Trooper, and I have to say, their new C-Max is pretty good. I already rode in one a few weeks ago (See my old post 'C-Maxxed Out'), but it was fun to see it alongside all those other cars that don't get very good gas mileage. Rock on, Ford. Rock on.

TOYOTA: The Great Satan's exhibit this year was a piece of crap, as always. Beige cars with cheap plastic cupholders, poorly designed interiors and a truly AWFUL aesthetic design. Death to Toyota. The same goes for its evil subsidiaries, Scion and Lexus

NISSAN: Even worse than Toyota, Nissan has the worst auto lineup since Edsel. The Juke is a joke, the Murano's for morons, and the Quest is... a piece of s**t. Look, I can only come up with so many of these puns. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME??? Both Nissan and Infiniti can go die in a hole.

CHRYSLER: Chrysler, Dodge, Jeep, Ram, and their new overlord Fiat had a good exhibit this year. I really like the new Dodge Dart, and when it comes to ATV's, Jeep blows everyone else out of the water. Fiat, of course, just had a bunch of 500's out there and expected us to think that different paint jobs are 'cutting-edge'. But I don't care. I'm shocked by Chrysler's epic turnaround. Let's see if they can keep it up.

BMW: BMW was exhibiting their new, more fuel-efficient models, and (let's face it) there's no way this could have gone wrong. BMW makes only one thing: The ultimate driving machine. Have no doubt.

HONDA: I've said it before and I'll say it again: Honda is Toyota, but without all the personality. Sickening.

And that's all that really matters. Of course, there's also Mercedes, Smart, Acura, Land Rover, Jaguar, Lamborghini, Fisker, Coda, Porsche, Mitsubishi, Mazda, Audi, Volkswagen, Subaru, Bentley, Rolls-Royce, Lincoln, GMC, Cadillac, Buick, and Tesla... but who's counting?

Not to mention the awe-inspiring collection of great classic cars at the back of the center. MGs, old Minis, some classic racing cars, and some I had never even heard of before. And that takes EFFORT. Remember, you're talking to the nutjob who has a six-page car logo list that he made himself, and then categorized based on number of times he'd seen them. Yes, I am obsessed.

Bye!

The Nissan Quest-- Truly the pinnacle of human un-gineering.

oosgangwawa

Camaro. Need I Say More?

First, let us all bid farewell to the doomed campaign of Elephant Man, a candidate for CA governor who was invented by me. He lost in a landslide to our new governator-in-chief, Jerry Brown. At least that's something--- Meg Whitman was an *******.

But let's not speak of... um... other things that happened during that election. I'm in too much pain already. Let's talk about an interesting event I recently went to...

THE SF CAR SHOW!!!

Me and my dad went for three reasons: One: So I could finally get inside a Chevy Camaro. Two: It's right across the GG Bridge and it's very, very cheap. Three: My grandpa's old Ford pickup has died at long last, and he needs a replacement. He won't buy any kind of car but a Ford. He doesn't even like Chevy or Chrysler. This makes him hard to shop for. But we're considering a Ford F-150. Creative car names, as usual.

I am actually better at COD than I thought. Case in point: I got a 12-kill streak (12 kills in a row) on one of my friends. Now, this was, of course, at someone else's house. That's because I don't have an X-box. And seeing as Christmas is coming up, I'm pulling out all the stops. I've got skywriters, posters, flyers, cartoons, cable channels, radio stations, and, of course, blogs all spreading the word that I NEED AN X-BOX 360 AND I NEED IT NOW.

Tell all your friends.

Bye!

Birthdays: You make me feel so old

I am currently having an awesome birthday party with my two best friends. They're currently watching a COD: Black Ops demo behind me on the couch. I kicked their butt at bowling and then one of them kicked everyone's butt at poker.

Then we played some racing games at the arcade and I used an awesome silver camaro with decals. I came in third!!! Whoo!

I don't know if I've gotten the chance to tell you this, but this is the most awesome car ever. In the game, it has some sort of hydrogen power that you use by hitting the gas twice really fast. My dad used a Pontiac Solstice and he lost. Wheee!

Then we came back and discussed our companies (Vertco, Shmuffco®, and Nacho Industries®) and made an awesome list of all our products. Camaro kicks ass.

Then I used a vending machine to get a voodoo doll, and we spent the rest of the time sticking pins in it. We watched Karate Kid, and now we're just sitting around so I decided to blog.

Oh, and at the end of the poker game, my dad put in five bucks and I put in the joker card, which I said represented my soul. Then my friend won and, apparently, I'm now under his chemical control.

I need to get that card back.

Bye!