You Are Not Your Blog

So I've been trying my best to get into Game of Thrones ever since everyone on the internet started flipping out about the Red Wedding and how badass Peter Dinklage is, but it's not as easy to just get into a TV show as it looks. First, there's the fact that anything I try to watch after Breaking Bad is going to unfailingly be a disappointment. Seriously... that show has ruined me for television. And also, there's way too many characters in this damn show. And so much shit goes on! There's been a beheading, incest, attempted child murder, sex slavery, nudity, more incest, and another murder so far. The thing is, I've only seen the first episode.

I really shouldn't try to get into these mythical things like Lord of the Rings and Game of Thrones, because I can't fully invest myself in it with the knowledge that somewhere, there is a 45-year-old neckbeard watching exactly the same thing I'm watching while sorting his Magic: The Gathering trading cards. Ugh. It's legitimately unsettling. Still, I'm going to give it a fair shot, because whenever something gains such massive cultural traction as Game of Thrones has, I feel like I should at least check it out. There are two exceptions to this rule: Jersey Shore and Justin Bieber.

Anyway, even I can't stretch out an entire blog post to talk about one episode of a TV show I watched (although a lot of my posts have been based on less... I just wrote one about the Stans, for shit's sake). So let's look at something that actually has some impact (no pun intended) on society at large: GM's legal troubles! Yes, GM has been having some issues with their cars. By "issues," I mean they've been blowing up and killing people. And I think I know why-- some white collar guy at GM decided to stop doing safety checks on the cars, quit his job, and start an underground chain of anarchist cells.



"Take the number of vehicles in the field, A, multiply by the probable rate of failure, B, multiply by the average out-of-court settlement, C. A times B times C equals X. If X is less than the cost of a recall, we don't do one."

Dammit Tyler, people are dying. Anyway, I've always liked GM, because they make the Chevy Camaro, the most badass car in the history of existence. But this is pretty bad. GM borrowed billions of dollars from taxpayers and now those same taxpayers are being blown up by cars made by GM. How ironic! Ha, ha, ha...

Anyway, my dad and I are off to Vegas, Bryce Canyon, and Zion National Park for five days, so I'll be back Wednesday with some more wonderful tales of hiking in 100-degree weather and plane rides. Fun on a bun. Remember-- what happens in Vegas... can really itch.

Bye!

Revolutionaries

I should explain the weird typeface... in fact, I should explain a lot of stuff. I've been pretty pissed off at lawmakers and America in general the past couple of days (see my previous post, WHYYYYoming), so I've decided to do something drastic. Yeah, I built a time machine. And I've traveled back to 1776. Why? I'll f**king tell you why. Because while Republicans and Democrats bitch and moan about how the founding fathers are really on their side, I figured SOMEone has to find out themselves. And as always, the task falls to me.

So, this is an exciting point in time, right? WRONG. There's nothing here but grassy hills and bogs. I'm pretty much ready to go home. And if you're wondering how I'm writing this blog post... well... shut up. Because plotline. And they have typewriters now. I think.

I usually write about the news when I post s**t on this blog, but I have no idea what's going on in 2013, do I? But I also have no idea what's going on in 1776. I'm pretty sure that I'm somewhere in California, which is a problem. I need to get from one side of 'Merica to the other. Which is actually fine, seeing as my time machine is really a modified car. No, not a DeLorean. It's a 1969 Chevy Camaro. 



Yeah, THAT'S MY CAR.

Unfortunately, it doesn't get very good gas milage, so I'm probably going to have to push it past Texas. Unless anyone knows any good gasoline substitutes readily available in 1776, like whale oil or Benjamin Franklin's hand lotion. Sigh... I'm done. Today's school truth: #3: I never met a test I had to study for.

Kind of moot now though, seeing as I have to either drive down to Mexico or try to cross the high Sierras with a Camaro. Now that I think about it, I should have driven across the country and THEN traveled back in time. You live and you learn...

No matter what, though, I'm gonna get to the east coast. And then PUNDITS BEWARE!!! We'll just see who's right about what!

Good day!

The 2013 G-Force Coverage of the San Francisco Car Show (Sponsored by Eggo)

Before I get started, no, that's not a typo. I've been asked by a lot of people (and by A LOT, I mean one) why my Car Show coverage is always a year in advance. That's because the cars on exhibit in 2012 are actually 2013 models, 2011 cars are actually 2012 models, and so on. It's odd, I know, but I have to capitulate to their unreasonable market-research tested car names. So, here we go.

Ordinarily, I blog about EVERY SINGLE DAMN CAR COMPANY at the show, but this time, I'm devoting this only to the companies that MATTER. So, without further ado, I give you THE 2013 G-FORCE COVERAGE OF THE SAN FRANCISCO CAR SHOW (SPONSORED BY EGGO)!!!

CHEVY: Chevy is my favorite automotive company, and also the first on this list. What a coincidence! Basically nothing Chevy does these days will disappoint me, but I have to say: The new Impala looks a little... hmm... Toyota-y. Too toned down, not enough of that Chevy pizzazz everyone loves. However, the Camaro was as awesome as ever.

FORD: Ford is the #1 choice by my parents to replace our old crappy 1994 Isuzu Trooper, and I have to say, their new C-Max is pretty good. I already rode in one a few weeks ago (See my old post 'C-Maxxed Out'), but it was fun to see it alongside all those other cars that don't get very good gas mileage. Rock on, Ford. Rock on.

TOYOTA: The Great Satan's exhibit this year was a piece of crap, as always. Beige cars with cheap plastic cupholders, poorly designed interiors and a truly AWFUL aesthetic design. Death to Toyota. The same goes for its evil subsidiaries, Scion and Lexus

NISSAN: Even worse than Toyota, Nissan has the worst auto lineup since Edsel. The Juke is a joke, the Murano's for morons, and the Quest is... a piece of s**t. Look, I can only come up with so many of these puns. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME??? Both Nissan and Infiniti can go die in a hole.

CHRYSLER: Chrysler, Dodge, Jeep, Ram, and their new overlord Fiat had a good exhibit this year. I really like the new Dodge Dart, and when it comes to ATV's, Jeep blows everyone else out of the water. Fiat, of course, just had a bunch of 500's out there and expected us to think that different paint jobs are 'cutting-edge'. But I don't care. I'm shocked by Chrysler's epic turnaround. Let's see if they can keep it up.

BMW: BMW was exhibiting their new, more fuel-efficient models, and (let's face it) there's no way this could have gone wrong. BMW makes only one thing: The ultimate driving machine. Have no doubt.

HONDA: I've said it before and I'll say it again: Honda is Toyota, but without all the personality. Sickening.

And that's all that really matters. Of course, there's also Mercedes, Smart, Acura, Land Rover, Jaguar, Lamborghini, Fisker, Coda, Porsche, Mitsubishi, Mazda, Audi, Volkswagen, Subaru, Bentley, Rolls-Royce, Lincoln, GMC, Cadillac, Buick, and Tesla... but who's counting?

Not to mention the awe-inspiring collection of great classic cars at the back of the center. MGs, old Minis, some classic racing cars, and some I had never even heard of before. And that takes EFFORT. Remember, you're talking to the nutjob who has a six-page car logo list that he made himself, and then categorized based on number of times he'd seen them. Yes, I am obsessed.

Bye!

The Nissan Quest-- Truly the pinnacle of human un-gineering.

oosgangwawa

C-Maxxed Out

Is it just me, or are all car salesmen the same? We've been looking around to find something to replace our old crappy 1994 Isuzu Trooper, and the damn guys at the Ford dealership are just SO PUSHY! They seemed to have it in their heads that there was the slightest chance that we might buy a C-Max today, but we weren't going to fall for their crap. They might have experience selling cars, but the last time my dad bought a car, it took him two years, and he still isn't satisfied with what he bought.

They really have no idea what they're up against. Among me, my mom, and my dad, we have a team that can defeat any snake-oil salesman in the country. The last guy who tried to sell my dad a car got fired the next week. He can negotiate $5 if he wants to, and he has--- he ended up haggling over five bucks when he bought a bike once.

Then there's my mom. She's partly there to give the salesmen hope. She'll laugh at their jokes and stuff, but when it comes down to it, she lays down the law. She can be even colder than my dad in that sense. She will crush your hopes if you ever try to sell her something.

Then there's me-- the brains behind the outfit. I am an experienced bulls**t artist. I can come up with any crazy story to get me out of ANYthing off the top of my head. Eventually, the web of lies gets so twisted that the damn salesman just gives up. For instance, today-- we really don't have any other options but the C-Max, so the Ford guys don't have any competition. However, when they asked, I gave this whole speech about how we've been looking at Volkswagens and Chevys, which we haven't.

Just by Googling an image of this thing, I was afraid that a guy would pop out of my computer screen saying something like "I see you're interested in the fuel efficiency of our new 2013 C-Max" or "Have I told you folks about our resale value?"

Anyway... I dunno. It seems like if you want to sell someone something, you can start by not being a gigantic asshole about it. We weren't looking at any other cars, but I can sure as F**K bet you that we'll start. God damn Ford guys... I shall take my business to your competitors!

Speaking of cars, the 2013 G-Force Coverage of the San Francisco Car Show (Sponsored by Eggo) will be rolling around in a month or so, so be prepared. Also, feel free to look back on my previous post about the 2012 G-Force Coverage of the San Francisco Car Show (Sponsored by Red Bull).

Bye!

The 2012 G-Force Coverage of the San Francisco Car Show (Sponsored by Red Bull)

This post is gonna have a LOT OF PICTURES, because I just went to the San Francisco car show for the 2012 model year, and it was EPIC! So I'm just going to give you the complete quick-shot overview of everything I saw, starting with the best car manufacturer of all time.

Vertco: Vertco 2012 is going to be epic. I got a look at the new Vertco Minotaur, the Stadium-8, and the Orb Republic. It's gonna be a good year.

Chevy: Chevy has introduced the new Sonic compact (replacing the Aveo), and it's a pretty sweet ride, but I wouldn't subject a long time in the backseat to anyone. The best Chevy there was, of course, the Camaro (my dream car), and there was even an 'American Pride' Camaro painted with all of American history. Very cool.

Cadillac: Caddy has made only one advancement in technology since the 70's--- their cars now look more geometric. Literally. Everything else is the same (including the gas milage, which is hovering around the 17 range).

Buick: I was actually kind of impressed with Buick this year, mainly because of the posh interiors. However, it's not going to ever become the luxury brand GM wants it to be.

GMC: BO-RING!

Ford: Ford has had an interesting technique the last few years--- they make the cars as fuel-efficient and ugly as they can. The new Mustang Boss is pretty Bossome, though.

Lincoln: With Mercury gone, Lincoln has become the forgotten brand. It seems to have just been ignored... okay, on to Chrysler!

Chrysler: With Fiat as a new owner, I was expecting something along the line of the infamous Chryslers of the past (aka pieces of s***), but I liked the new Sebring a LOT.

Dodge: Dodge has broken off into two pieces, Dodge and Ram, with Ram making the trucks and Dodge making the pwncars. I got inside an orange Challenger that kicked ASS. And note that all the Chrysler achievements come from a company that went bankrupt and was bought by a crappy Italian company with a track record of making cars that you could probably throw with one hand.

Jeep: Jeep is stickin' to the formula that seems to have worked so far: making the only passenger vehicles on the planet that can remove their roof, doors, and windshield when duty calls. Pretty parkour.

Toyota: **** Toyota. It's a s*** company. It's full of a******* who d*** around all day making ****ing pieces of ****ing s***... okay, Toyota makes cars that crash. They are so bland you can actually kill brain cells by being in one of their cars. End of discussion.

Lexus: See above.

Scion: Originally, the IQ was a Toyota model, which I saw in Europe. But for the US, they've turned it into the Scion IQ, which... hey... this is a Toyota brand. See above above.

Kia: I got in one and couldn't get out. Kia makes safe, fuel-efficient, cool-looking cars. It is a great company. Kia's cars are made out of solid gold. They have wings and run on the power of dreams. And they have fuel injectors bestowed unto us by God himself. Also, Kia likes Red Bull.

Hyundai: Never figured out how to pronounce the name 'Hyundai'. I avoided their display to avoid exposing this.

Honda: Honda is a snoresville company. They're like Toyota, but without the raw power.

Acura: Honda with cushy seats and a slanted logo.

BMW: BMW is one of the most epic car companies ever. My only beef with them is that they have too many freaking cars! There's the convertibles (which is about 17 models) the hatchbacks, the SUVs... it's ridonkulous. But hey, whatever--- BMW is one of the greatest luxury car manufacturers of all time.

VW: The attempt to create a new Beetle that is both fuel-efficient and manly has been a complete waste of time. In my opinion, if VW wants to make the Bug more macho, they need to do this:

Audi: The infamous company that stole their logo from the creators of the Slinky have done it again with the new Audi R8, which may actually cause you to have a coronary when you look at it, it's just that awesome. If you are in the market for one (and have $200,000 to spare on you), I highly recommend the red one. It will blow your mind.

Jaguar: Jag has changed so much in the past few years that even my dad (who knows his cars) couldn't tell what they were. Jag has upped its game. Kudos.

Land Rover: Normally I wouldn't give a flying fig about Land Rover, but their new Defender concepts were fantastic. I can't wait to see one on the road. But the Range Rovers, as usual, were boring and a complete re-hash of last year.

Nissan: Oh. My. God. Nissan is so freaking bad. They have made the three ugliest cars of all time: The 2012 Nissan Quest, the 2012 Juke, and the 2012 Murano. The Leaf is no better. It is just trying to steal the Chevy Volt's thunder as it emerges as one of the greatest cars ever made. Screw you, Nissan. Screw you.

Infiniti: Okay, okay, you called my bluff. There is no company called Infiniti. Which makes sense. I mean, who would name their company 'Infiniti'? It's stupid! But if Infiniti existed, it would be, let's say, a subsidiary of Nissan that makes boring, ugly Acura rip-offs. Hypothetically.

Mazda: I hated everything but the new Miata roadster. It is epic. And as I said, all other Mazdas are a waste of time.

Subaru: I paid no attention to Subaru, as the company goes against my religion. My religion, as you may have guessed, is good fuel economy.

Mitsubishi: There only to promote the new Mitsubishi I, the reps from this tiny Japanese company brought a few other cars along for the ride. I was unimpressed, but hey, this could be Mitsubishi's big chance to prove itself and shake off the bad rap set by all the other cars they've made so far.

Volvo: I was sad to see that the S40 wasn't there, seeing as I own one. But all the others were very nice. Volvo is slowly becoming a more luxurious company. Figures it starts right after we buy one.

Mini: Really? Mini is STILL around?

And now we get into the EPIC cars:

Ferrari: The new Italia was there, along with 11 other Ferraris from the collection of the Ferrari Club of America. Ferraris are boss. They blow almost all other supercar manufacturers out of the water (that means you, Maserati).

Porsche: Totally ninja. Porsche has one of the greatest lineups in the history of cars. If only they could make them less expensive.

Aston Martin: Not my favorite company, but even then I was impressed. The Rapide is fantastic, and the cars look like something out of Star Wars.

Rolls-Royce: Actually, this year, Rolls was crap. They made, like, a luxury Hummer the size of the Pentagon. It's ridiculous. Not good. Not good at all.

Lotus: Lotus is good at only one thing: making roadsters. They shouldn't even try to do anything else. That's like... Saab trying to make a minivan.

Riiight...

Bentley: Bentley is not built for performance, it is built for relaxing. Therefore, I am not a fan of Bentley.

Lamborghini: You have no IDEA HOW COOL LAMBORGHINIS ARE!!! AAAARGH THEY'RE JUST SO AWESOME....

Fisker: The first Fisker I ever saw! Very intense, and it's amazing that a car as cool as that can be fully electric. Unbelievable.

Mclaren: And the first Mclaren I ever saw as well! The thing looks like a Delorean crossed with a Lamborghini. It's freaking intense.

Sot there you have it: THE 2012 G-FORCE COVERAGE OF THE SAN FRANCISCO CAR SHOW (SPONSORED BY RED BULL). The companies that weren't there (and are therefore forever on my s*** list): Mercedes, Suzuki, Saab, Coda, and... sniffle... Pontiac... I miss... Pontiac... so much...

AAAAUGH, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! THEY WERE GONNA HAVE A NEW SOLSTICE AND A NEW VIBE AND A NEW G6... noooooo....

Bring back Pontiac! Bring back Pontiac! BRING BACK PONTIAC!

Bye!

<<< The 2012 Vertco Monument.

Larry King Semi-Live

Hello, people of Iran! That's right, as of yesterday, my blog has been read in Iran!!! WHOO! Awesome! Of course, this means that they may have seen my Master Plan for Iran, which wouldn't be good. I can't remember what it was, exactly, but I'm sure things didn't end well for Ayatollah Khomenei.
I have some shocking news: The gas pipes of the Mazda 6 model have become inhabited by spiders, which spin webs and clog the tubes. There have been 20 reports of this phenomenon. No one knows why exactly the spiders prefer the Mazda 6 to other cars, though. Very odd.
Here's another news story that has gone somewhat ignored: Larry King is quitting the show 'Larry King Live'. Now, as I've always said, Larry King is actually a half human, half onion
genetic hybrid that subsists on the blood of humans. So maybe his retirement is for the best.
This guy is so old that his wrinkles have wrinkles. He really freaks me out. I suspect that
he has only extended his unnatural life this far by sacrificing a goat every day to Kattra the
Destroyer of the Seen and Unseen. Or something like that.
Bye!

Little Red Chevrolette

This is the story of the Little Red Chevrolette.

My great-aunt owned a Chevy Cavalier. She doesn't really drive much, so she gave it to us.

We fixed it up. It was my brilliant idea that fixed the rear-view mirror. We took it for a test drive. It was the greatest car I had ever ridden in. It could have replaced our gas-eating Isuzu Trooper, which gets 15 miles to the gallon.

My dad put it on Craigslist. Some jerk in a GMC came and picked it up with his estranged cousin.

The Little Red Chevrolette was gone.

I have never seen the little Cavalier since. But if you see it, it has a minor dent in the

side. License plate number 3LHP643. Use this information to identify it.

Try and find it.

Please.

Isuzu Stormtrooper

Hell-o, people who are wasting their time reading this blog! I am embarrassed to say that...

Sigh.

My parents own an Isuzu Trooper.

Yes, an Isuzu Trooper, the cruddiest car anyone can own. 18 miles to the gallon. Almost as bad as a Hummer. Sickening. Here's a pic:

This car is unbelievably crappy. By buying a VW Vanagon, we could apparently save $20 a month. Yow. That's painful.

Also, I could sleep in it. That would be totally awesome. Unfortunately, a van can't fit in our garage. Even though we could park it in the driveway, it's apparently 'out of the question' because of that. The thing is BUILT to be left outside! It's a camper van!

Well, that's it. We need a more fuel efficient car. I think dad secretly just doesn't want to spring for a new car. Oh, well.

Bye.

P.S.--- HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!!!*

CHEESE PEANUTS!!!

*Even though the Declaration of Independence, the document that Independence Day is built around, was signed by different delegates over a period of about 18 months that do not even center around the 4th of July, causing it to be a false holiday, and if we really wanted to celebrate the exact date/s when the Declaration was signed, we would have about 26 different holidays year-round.

Vertco: The Most Evil Company. Ever.

I HAVE VERY BIG NEWS!!! I have started the most evil company ever to exist on the face of the Earth. It's called Vertco, and it has already conquered several competitors.

Vertco is a conglomerate. I've divided it into seven main divisions: Vertco Motors, Vertco Technologies, Vertco Waste Disposal Systems, Vertco Military Supplies, Vertco Intel, Vertco Pharmaceuticals, and VP: Vertco Petroleum. These divisions also own several other companies, such as Akimbo Motors, Silencer Co, Androidtech, Atoll Motors, Yeah! Programs, Chiskon Motors, and Securico. I have amassed a small empire by convincing numerous people at my school to work for Vertco.

It was all going so well until someone asked me what Vertco actually DOES.

Oh, well. Too bad.

I've tried to get some products, but my dad won't agree to co-sign a loan for me to take over IBM. I also tried to make some cars, such as the Vertco Minotaur and the Vertco Stadium, but I never got past the blueprint phase. On the plus side, I finally figured out how to draw cars. Whoo!

But, since everyone seems to want some actual tangible worth, I now present... THE VERTCO LINE OF CARS!!!

The Vertco Minotaur!!!

The Vertco Stadium!

The Vertco Patton!

The Vertco Arasachra!

The Vertco Default!

The Vertco Caribou!

And the Vertco Torque! (Sorry for the size of this image, I had no choice).

Those are all the Vertco cars! Ta-daaah! By the way, any similarities between the Vertco cars shown here and other cars (e.g. Scion xBs, VW Touaregs, Isuzu Troopers, Porsche Cayennes, that sorta thing) is entirely coincidental.

Bye!

Rush Hour

I got in my car in the early morning,

Heading for the freeway in perfect timing.

I had enough time to get off to work

But I came across one tiny quirk.

I had not counted on traffic today

The radio said my drive would be okay.

I shouldn't have listened, but sure as heck did

And so I got caught in an hour's traffic. F

Trapped in my mini convertible car

I wished I was away very far

I hoped and I prayed to clear a path

But I guess that God was taking a bath.

The road was all jammed. I was in a mess.

So I totally did my very best

To do everything I could in my power

But I could not counter the evil RUSH HOUR.

I FEEL YOUR PAIN, MAN!!!

You have just gotten an excerpt from my poem, Rush Hour. Not much of a blog today, but highlight the following blank space to get the answer to the brain tickler: It's in the middle of it all.

I did, by the way, write the now-published poem 'I Am Winter' (Who knows why I wrote about that). By the way, Rush Hour is copyrighted. Here's part two:

Into my building, so late I arrived

That I could easily (rightly) derive

That my boss wouldn't be very happy

With my poor show of punctuality.

For 15 minutes, he yelled and he screamed

Using a workbook, my head he beaned

I couldn't wait to get out the door

But I had to work, 'cause I was quite poor.

For a complete nine hours of terror

I watched as the market turned from 'bull' to 'bear'

Quickly was I losing my cash

So I decided to make a quick dash.

I called up my brother, said I had left work

Expectedly, he was kinda irked

I explained I'd been late, his voice, it turned sour

So I then told him about the RUSH HOUR.

The last part, part three, I will include soon

So until then, in you must tune

Republicans will drive me 'round the bend

So goodbye, please have a fantastic weekend.