Revolutionaries V: Going From the Past to the Future to Gain Knowledge of the Present

I've obtained my Camaro once more... don't ask me how. I had to ride in a COVERED F**KING WAGON across the West. Worse still, I had no internet access. I've been stuck playing Doodlejump on my iPod using what little battery life I have left. Also, the cover got dented... I hate everything.

But at long last, I'm back in the racing stripe-painted naugahyde saddle (so to speak), and I'm calibrating my time machine as I write this. Eerily, naugahyde was created in the lab of Dr. Naugajekyll. Anyway... my trip to the past was a pain in the ass. None of the Founding Fathers would change any of the s**t they put in the Declaration of Independence no matter what I told them. F**k it. I'm done. No more time traveling for me.

Today's Doodlebook quote: #7: The Metric System sucks.

But here we go! My Camaro has finished its calculations, and I'm off to 2013 again! Here we go!


Oh s**t--- too far in the future. Hold on... recalibrating...
  
Hmm... maybe I should have stayed in 1776. Anyway, I'M BACK, FOOLS!!! So let's check 'the Google' and see what I've been missing out on. Hmm... North Korea's got the bomb and we're all gonna die... Democrats and Republicans are fighting... and there is conflict in the Middle East. Did I not call that?

Oh, and Roger Ebert died. 'Tis a sad day for film critics everywhere (myself included). I don't consider myself a professional film critic, but I write movie reviews on this blog semi-regularly. Ebert made critics out of all of us. He will be missed. That said, (to quote South Park) "Roger Ebert should lay off the fatty foods." Click HERE for the Rotten Tomatoes obit for him.

Bye!

Revolutionaries IV: The Curious Case of Benjamin Franklin

Yes, I'm still stuck in 1776. Big whoop. I can't comment on whatever news stories are going on right now, but I can hazard a guess: North Korea's got the bomb and we're all gonna die, Democrats and Republicans are arguing, and there is conflict in the Middle East. Did I call it? 

So yes, I made it to Philly just in time for the Fourth of July, as well as the first annual Philly cheesesteak cook-off. And guess what? THE FOUNDING FATHERS ARE F**KING ASSHOLES. When I told them that we would have to fight a civil war over slavery, Charles Pinckney said he "Didn't give a flying f**k", and Benjamin Franklin just sat there picking dirt out from under his fingernails. F**k this s**t, I'm done.

So I'm going to come BACK TO THE FUTURE soon, as long as I can locate my time machine. As you may recall, it's somewhere in Mexico (probably being covered in spikes and then driven into a horde of charging Spaniards).



I can't believe how unhelpful the founding fathers were. George Washington couldn't get anything done, as he was too busy picking splinters out of his gums. And we've based a COUNTRY on these morons. God damn it...

Today's School Truth: Taking a test in PE is like going on a bike ride in history class. Which reminds me, I have a history test this week, and I'm gonna ACE it now that I've invented a time machine. Think of the possibilities--- I can just go back in time and tell myself to study more!

Bye!

Revolutionaries III: One Egg is Un Oeuf

Yeah, I'm still doing this, settle down. I'm reporting from 1776 to tell you that the people of the past are F**KING DICKS. Remember those Mexicans I picked up on the way to Philly? They tried to kill me, and they took my time machine. So now I'm stuck, with no awesome Chevy Camaro to take me around. I have, however, stowed away on a French ship leaving New Orleans and heading for New York, so it's all good. Now I need to find a way to get BACK TO THE FUTURE!!! Ah... I love typing those words.

Today's school truth: #5: The internet is the root of all evil. It will distract you using everything it's got. True dat.

The French are nice enough people, but they keep thumbing their noses at me and telling other people that their muskets are inferior to theirs. So at the end of the day, nothing's changed for 237 years. 

The Frenchies here do possess some pretty advanced weaponry, however-- their rifles are capable of being dropped to the ground in surrender in 0.06 seconds.

 

The outer thirds of the French flag can be detached in case of emergency surrendering.

Anyway, it looks like the Mexicans will be taking my car to Mexico City, probably to turn it into a low-rider... I'm so screwed. Or they won't know how to put in the gas and have to push it the last 1,000 miles. So maybe I'll have the last laugh.

I'll be able to write soon about my first visit to New York. Until then, I'll have to duck around the ship, faking a French accent and fighting scurvy.

This was a mistake.

Bye!

Revolutionaries II: Calling in the Mexperts

Okay, everyone-- STORY UPDATE TIME!!! I've made it through Mexico, and am now on my way to Louisiana to see the old-timey Frenchies. You may be wondering how I have traipsed across almost 2,000 miles in 24 hours in an old Chevy Camaro, with no roads or maps. Well, in reality, it's been three months. I'm sending these posts through the space-time continuum for my future self to publish. So if you're reading this, I got out safe!

Today's School Truth: #4: Do anything and everything to avoid class. And for those of you wondering, yes, I did bring The Doodlebook back in time with me. Awesome sauce.

I did run out of gas, but was able to steal a barrel of whale oil from some Spaniards. Won't matter; they're going to get kicked out anyway. And on the way, I was able to pick up a few Mexican hitchhikers. They're sitting in and clinging onto my car right now.



I used my exceedingly minimal knowledge of the Spanish language to tell them that California would eventually come under Mexican rule, but they thought I was being ridiculous. Or maybe I accidentally said something like "Where is my father's cheese?" or something. Here, I'll let one of them type something:

Tenemos la intencion de matar a usted.

No idea what that meant. Oh, and if someone in the future could do a few things for me, that would be great-- Feed my cat, pick up my mail, water my indoor plants, check my messages and return all my calls, tend to my farm on Farmville, flush my toilets so the gaskets don't rust, and make sure nobody puts a 'For Sale' sign in front of the house.

Adios!

Revolutionaries

I should explain the weird typeface... in fact, I should explain a lot of stuff. I've been pretty pissed off at lawmakers and America in general the past couple of days (see my previous post, WHYYYYoming), so I've decided to do something drastic. Yeah, I built a time machine. And I've traveled back to 1776. Why? I'll f**king tell you why. Because while Republicans and Democrats bitch and moan about how the founding fathers are really on their side, I figured SOMEone has to find out themselves. And as always, the task falls to me.

So, this is an exciting point in time, right? WRONG. There's nothing here but grassy hills and bogs. I'm pretty much ready to go home. And if you're wondering how I'm writing this blog post... well... shut up. Because plotline. And they have typewriters now. I think.

I usually write about the news when I post s**t on this blog, but I have no idea what's going on in 2013, do I? But I also have no idea what's going on in 1776. I'm pretty sure that I'm somewhere in California, which is a problem. I need to get from one side of 'Merica to the other. Which is actually fine, seeing as my time machine is really a modified car. No, not a DeLorean. It's a 1969 Chevy Camaro. 



Yeah, THAT'S MY CAR.

Unfortunately, it doesn't get very good gas milage, so I'm probably going to have to push it past Texas. Unless anyone knows any good gasoline substitutes readily available in 1776, like whale oil or Benjamin Franklin's hand lotion. Sigh... I'm done. Today's school truth: #3: I never met a test I had to study for.

Kind of moot now though, seeing as I have to either drive down to Mexico or try to cross the high Sierras with a Camaro. Now that I think about it, I should have driven across the country and THEN traveled back in time. You live and you learn...

No matter what, though, I'm gonna get to the east coast. And then PUNDITS BEWARE!!! We'll just see who's right about what!

Good day!