September the Fourth, 2001

The official anniversary of the 9/11 attacks was yesterday, giving this nation a great pause to reflect back on how much the world has changed in the past eleven years, and also to watch some of the sentimental political speeches given by certain mindless plutocrats (a-hem, Mitt Romney). My favorite September 11th speech, by far, is George W. Bush's. Here is a direct quote.

"September the fourth, 2001. I stood in the ruins of the twin towers. It's a day I will never forget".

Yessss... never forget... Some might say that this was a momentary slip-up, revealing the 'fact' that Bush planned the 9/11 attacks beforehand in order to further his and Halliburton's own political agendas... ha ha... how ridiculous. Good thing you won't find conspiracy theories like that on THIS blog...

But every 9/11, I like to think back to the world on September 10th and how innocent we were. But that world is gone. And the attacks were immortalized in Peter Jackson's landmark film "The Two Towers".

My only wish is that Osama bin Laden could have been taken alive, so he could be paraded through every major city in the nation (even Philadelphia) while people threw every damn thing they could find on the ground right in his face. And then he would be taken to an electric chair, which would be wired to every electrical outlet in the nation, so whenever someone turns on a light switch--- ZAP!!! But I'm not bitter. Not at all.

And we may finally have to say goodbye to that legendary pick-up line: "If you don't let me take you to dinner, the terrorists win".

However, all is not well in the Arab world. A 15-minute clip of a movie shot by an anti-islam nutjob (guess what: HE'S AMERICAN!!!) has sent Egypt and Libya into chaos. The US ambassador to Libya was killed yesterday, and there have been dozens more anti-American rallies in the two countries. Essentially, the movie depicted Muhammad as a bumbling moron. And as anyone knows, depicting Muhammad AT ALL is enough to send all of The Middle East into a frenzy. Just ask the creators of South Park.

I pride myself on the ability to laugh at almost everything... with three major exceptions: The Holocaust, Terrorism, and Justin F***ing Bieber. Yes, those three are on par in my mind. Because of this, I usually make fun of all religions equally. Except Islam. Islam is a great and true religion revealed unto the prophet Muhammad by the angel Gabriel, blessings and peace be upon them. I just figure that Hindus, Buddhists, and Jews don't tend to get as... explosively upset, shall we say.

The one thing I wish I could do is go back in time to pick up Jesus and Muhammad. I would then bring them into the future and show them the s*** that's going down nowadays. They'd probably crap their pants. Then I'd have them go on national TV and tell everyone to calm the hell down. Jesus would probably light up a doobie during an interview on CNN, sending the Pope into a catatonic trance.

But until then, we will have to deal with the crazy fringe people who burn Korans, blow up buildings, and have their own reality shows. The fact is, most Muslims don't kill people, most Christians don't kill people, and as for reality TV stars... I'm not sure. Does killing brain cells count? So, rest of the world: Let's send all our nutjobs to a deserted island somewhere (preferably one that will be underwater in a few years), where they can yell and scream and throw coconuts at each other. My only hang-up?

We may not be able to fit them all on one island.

Bye!

Got HEEM!

OOPS, WE DID IT AGAIN! Qadaffi was officially gunned down trying to escape fighting in Libya. I actually heard the news this morning, but was unable to comment on it because of my field trip (more on that later).

Qadaffi's convoy was fleeing the town of Sirte when French airstrikes blasted the living hell out of him. He survived and ran around with his bodyguards for a while before being shot in the face.

This also means that, for the first time in the history of the world, France has actually made a difference in a war!!! This is MONUMENTAL! Of course, they didn't actually KILL Qadaffi, they merely halted his escape. It counts, though.

Above: The Official French Flag of War.

This means that Libya's Rebels are finally the fully official government of Libya. After all this s*** went down across the mideast, half a dozen countries have now ousted their leaders, leaving them with literally no government. Which means that it leaves those countries ripe for the picking... heh, heh, heh.

Bye--- oh, and from now on, you are to address me as 'Your High Supreme Exaltedness Emperor of Egyptistan'. Just letting you know.

Mad Libyan

So, the International Criminal Court has finally called for Mummar Qadaffi's arrest, along with his son, Saif, and one of his most trusted advisors. My only question is: Why did it take them so long? Qadaffi came into power in 1969! They should have put out a warrant then! Do you realize that his 49 years in power makes him one of the longest-ruling people ever? These people are out of their minds! Of course, I also think George W. Bush should be in court for war crimes, so what do I know? THAT'S CALLED SARCASM!!!

Qadaffi has announced that if he were to leave power, he should be given complete amnesty from prosecution, and his son Saif would take over. I guess that's better than his other son...

...Completely Unsaif.

Onto another subject: I still don't know what happened while I was on my trip, but I have another, very strange clue: The dust all over my bag dates back to around 196 BC. Yeah, that's right. I don't know how or why the stuff is all over my bag, but I'm sure that as soon as I can get the stupid iguana to release some more photos, it'll all fall into place.

Or maybe it will just get more confusing.

I'm betting on that one. Bye!

Are You Ready for Some QUAGMIIIIIIIIRRRRREEEE!?!?!?!

So, I've been forgetting to post this for a while, but the results are in for my 'How will Qadaffi be taken out' poll. The results: three people say he will be shot down while trying to escape in a stolen hot air balloon, two say it will be a CIA assassination, and one says he will get electrocuted by his doomsday device. So, let's see if the longshot pays off with my ongoing series,

WAR AND... actually, not that much peace.

While fighting continues in Libya, something has been noticed: There has never been an official declaration of war. Even though we've dispatched troops, weapons, Hum-vs, and Geraldo Rivera to the battlefield, Obama has not declared that the US is involved in a third war. Now, technically, we're not. Reagan was allowed to supply guns and stuff to some Central American country (I think it was Honduras) without declaring war... but that was the Iran-Contra... or... something. Anyway, to declare war, congress and the house of representatives have to vote to go to war. And they haven't done that. So, as you see, we have a problem.

See, we are at war. But it's not REALLY war. It's just... a war mirage. Which is understandable if you're out in Libya. Unfortunately, if we decide we ARE at war, Obama will have a problem, as he'll have gone to war without congress's permission. But since he didn't get permission, it can't be war... this is all very confusing.

Another anecdote about Libya: Does this really qualify as a flag?

That's the current flag of Libya. Apparently, it symbolizes green.

Bye!

War and... Actually, Not That Much Peace

So, every once in a while, I feel compelled to stop my relentless mockery of Republicans and focus on the world at large. And, unfortunately, it's not very uplifting. Brace yourselves for some really, really violent s***.

We begin in Afghanistan. Hoo boy. Here we go. Remember that crazy guy in Florida who wanted to burn the Koran? Well, here's what happened: He finally got around to it. Him and his 30-or-so followers (thank god it's not any more than that) decided to hold a Koran-burning festival at their little church. There was no media coverage, but they did make a video and post it on YouTube. Well, when Afghanistan finally got around to seeing it, they... hm... let's put it this way. They didn't like it.

They REALLY didn't like it.

Twelve people ended up being killed over this. Now, I have to say something to Pastor Jones, the guy who burned the Koran. If you are reading this (and I'm sure you're not, you're probably too busy opening up death-threat-filled envelopes), then I have only one thing to tell you.

F you. Just F you. In fact, the word that obviously belongs there doesn't even BEGIN to sum up how much I hate this guy. He is the definition of bigoted. Just screw him.

Anyway, let's move on to the Ivory Coast, a country you didn't even know existed until a week ago. In this small African nation, president Laurent Gbagbo lost his re-election bid to his rival Alassane Ouattara. WARNING: Trying to pronounce Alassane Ouattara can result in severe tongue knots. So that means it's time for another bloodbath. Forces loyal to Ouattara and forces loyal to Gbagbo are battling it out. Anyway, there's a civil war going on there, and... oh, what's that? Oh. Apparently Ivory Coast has no oil.

Moving on, Libya is still in complete turmoil/quagmire. Barry O has launched Operation: Odyssey Dawn, which combines a greek myth where nearly everyone on the good side is killed by monsters and enemy forces with a sunrise. Anyway, Qadaffi has given us an option: He will leave power if:

1) His son, Saif (AKA 'Mini-Me') will take control of Libya in his place

2) Qadaffi gets a 'Get-out-of-jail-free' card, absolving him of all responsibility for the atrocities on Libya.

Now, there's even another catch: No one but Saif and Qadaffi himself know if Qadaffi even agreed to this. So, as you see, we have a problem. The rebels, of course, turned this offer down immediately, saying that this may not end the carnage, and that they already had enough of a problem with Geraldo Rivera among their front lines.

So, to sum it all up, people keep dying everywhere. If this isn't enough to turn you into a pessimist, I don't know what can.

Bye!

Beware the Eyes of March

Well, March is beginning to pass, which means I was actually wrong about something. Yes, I know you considered me infallible for some time, but I'm not the Pope. I'm much more infallible than he is. But still, I was wrong about something. I know it seems impossible. But it's true.

I thought Qadaffi would be killed in the middle of March by one of his own trusted advisors in some sort of Julius Caesar-Ides of March tribute. It would have been very cool. But no. Speaking of Qadaffi, my poll on how the Libyan dictator would be 'taken out' has closed, and 'Tries to escape in stolen hot air balloon, then shot down by surface-to-air missile' has won! I'll try to put up some new surveys soon.

BEWARE THE EYES OF MARCH!!!

Anyway, off that topic, and on to another, much cooler one: My favorite day of the year, April Fool's Day. It's time for an epic barrage of pranks and semi-deadly traps to unleash upon the school! I'm putting soap in my band teacher's trombone, shoving a potato (or, as Quayle would say, potatoe) up someone's exhaust pipe, and I plan on dropping water balloons filled with gasoline on people from the roof.

I shouldn't have told you all this.

Only two more days!

It's Raining, it's Pouring, the Old Man is Boring

We're getting a TON of rain here in Marin County, so since I can't go outside, and I sure as hell don't want to play chess with my parents, I decided to blog again. Not that there isn't plenty to blog about.

For instance, Libya has been completely thrust into a brutal civil war. Gee, what else is new? I haven't exactly been covering this story extensively, so I'll give the general synopsis now.

Libyan dictator Mummar Qadaffi has launched an attack on his own country. Wow. This guy's a douchebag. Rebels in Libya, who want an immediate regime change, are asking the US and other world powers to intervene in Libya. The US, of course, doesn't want three wars going at once, so we're playing it cool.

Meanwhile, I've started a pool on how Qadaffi is gonna die. There's no question about it now: This guy's DEEEEEAD. There are a few varying opinions, such as the following:

• Tries to escape in stolen hot air balloon, shot down by surface-to-air missile, lands safely, but is beaten to death by infants.

• Gets feet tangled in wires of new doomsday device (fatal electrocution).

• Anonymous parcel delivered to door makes ticking sound, Qadaffi just thinks it's a new alarm clock.

• Covert CIA assassination by planting bomb in his ridiculous hat.

Then again, maybe I have to go in and do something about it. As I've said before, I'm a NINJA. Qadaffi would have nowhere to run if I went after him. However, I don't think I will. I like this whole news cycle. This guy is like Lex Luthor: He's humanity's first real-life supervillian.

That's what makes this all so scary.

Bye!

Indiana Graham and the Search for the Pharaoh's Schlong: Part Three: The Great Pyramid of Pishka

A quick explanation: Pishka is Russian for 'Missing Royal Scepter'.

THE FOLLOWING POST MAY NOT BE APPROPRIATE FOR ALL AUDIENCES.

'Sup, people! It's time for another post about the story you've all been excited about: KING TUT'S MISSING PENIS!!! DUH, DUH, DUUUUUUH!

As I explained in my previous blog, It is my contention that Mummar Qadaffi has made off with King Tut's 'Mummified Cheeto' and plans to stop the current revolution using its ancient and mysterious powers! This is TERRIBLE news! If Qadaffi has commandeered the power of the 'Egyptian Cucumber', he could use it to raze all of Libya! But of course, someone must rise from the ashes and command the planet once the 'Ancient Sausage' nuked all of Earth. And who better to do that than...

Me, of course. The Man Made of Awesome®. Libya will be conquered by Vertopia and will then take over the world! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

But there is something I need to worry about even more: What if 'Tut's Li'l Pharaoh' bonds with Qadaffi to form something even scarier than the powers of 3,000-year-old penises: A Qadaffi Zombie!!!! DUH, DUH, DUUUUUUUUH!!!

We may be shmuffed.

Bye!

Libya: Mummar Qadaffi's Underground Lair

So, I was watching The Daily Show earlier today, and I saw something incredible: The Endless Insanity of Mummar Qadaffi. Mummar, as I'm sure you know, is the supervillian-in-cheif of Libya. This guy freaks me out. In an exclusive interview, he stated that he couldn't be removed from office because he HAD no office. He said Libya was governed only by the people. And they're doing a great job of that right now, too. King Tut's Penis is missing!

In a last-ditch effort to save his butt, Qadaffi dished out $400 to every Libyan citizen. This is a wonderful idea. I don't know why no one else has thought of this first--- oh, wait, they have, AND THEY WERE IN THE THIRD GRADE!!! Whenever little kids have a student council election, they ALWAYS vote for whoever handed out the most candy. This means Mummar here has the intellectual capacity of a ten-year old. Or maybe we already knew that.

Waitaminute... I see where this is going... Mummar Qaddaffi IS...

DR. EVIL!!! DUH, DUH, DUUUUUUUUUUH!!!

It all makes sense... The entire city of Tripoli is his 'Underground Lair'... I think he even sits in a mansion petting a hairless cat... he has odd little 'gadgets of mass destruction', such as his Laser Cannon that can vaporize anything on Earth within ten yards of it... IT'S ALL FALLING INTO PLACE! The guy even runs an alliance called the Federation of Eastern Arab Republics. Of course, he didn't notice the acronym for it until he ordered the letterhead, so he just decided to make it into a coalition of evil geniuses.

But here's an interesting twist on things. Libya's neighbor to the east is Egypt. No, I'm not talking about the widespread civil disobedience and revolution spreading across The Middle East and Northern Africa. I'm talking about something different... a news story that has somehow fallen through the cracks...

Qadaffi could only be this cocky and self-assured if he had an ace in the hole, even in the face of complete Libyan uprising. He must have commandeered the most ancient and powerful force known to mankind...

KING TUT'S PENIS!

Join me next time when I further unravel the secrets of the Pharaoh's 'Missing Nile!'

Bye!