Pulpit Friction

I finally got back my epic, 100-page novel for English class, and (big shock) I got 100% on it. Actually, that is a big shock, because NOBODY gets a grade like that on a novel. Especially one about people going to kill Hitler and blowing people's heads off with rocket-propelled grenades. So if I get to write Tarantino-style gorefests and get an A++ on it, sign me up for more English class!

Meanwhile, other people's lives aren't nearly as good. Case in point: In West Virginia this week, an 8th grader has been suspended from school and put in jail-- all because he refused to take off an NRA t-shirt at school. Now, I'll negate the obvious 1st amendment problems here for a second and focus on the fact that school dress codes are, 9 times out of 10, absolutely f**king moronic. My friend Connor was once forced to remove a 'Legalize It' shirt, even though he's never smoked weed in his life... or so he claims. This is pure and unbridled censorship of people's political beliefs, and I won't friggin' stand for it. It's not like the shirt was emblazoned with a racial slur or some inflammatory statement. It was just the logo of an American lobbying association.

Although I don't support the NRA at all, I do believe in freedom of speech for all people. Of course, I also think that teenagers should be allowed to vote, so maybe I'm just an idiot. But this isn't the first time that BS like this has happened. In one school, a student was suspended for making what the teachers thought was a gun... out of mashed potatoes. What's next? Every school in Florida being locked down because the state "Kind of resembles a gun?"


We're keeping an eye on you, Florida... you just watch yourself.

Moving on to non-depressing news, it seems as if Pope Francis is going to be a little more of a reformer than his creepy predecessor, Pope Molestationcoverup I (as he shall henceforth be known). Francis has recently announced that he will be clearing the Vatican and the church's holdings around the world of hypocrites and priests who covered up the rape of little kids. So you wouldn't think that this would be such an explosive issue.

But the Catholic Church, much like the Republican Party, has been doing s**t the same way for centuries, and apparently clearing the air about molestation just isn't their MO. He's also reforming the church's hierarchy to ensure that there won't be so much infighting. To give some perspective, that's like someone walking into AIG and saying "Gee, what you guys are doing is wrong." And then people start yelling "HOLY S**T!!! WE HAD NO IDEA!!!"

You can probably tell that I have little to no faith (so to speak) in our world religions, but who gives a f**k. I believe that everyone is entitled to my opinion.

Bye!

Breaking Pope

It's Saint Patrick's Day today, and all across the world, people are celebrating by burping up the contents of their stomachs while defecating in the corner of a bowling alley. I'm pretty happy today-- a year ago, I wore green by having green bands put on my braces. CAN'T DO THAT S**T ANYMORE, CAN I??? So yes, I am content.

I may have mentioned this in previous posts, but I have been recording all of my ingenious thoughts on paper, in a notebook I call THE DOODLEBOOK. Of course, all my wisdom didn't fit in that, so I had to expand to Volume II and Volume III. I don't want these genius ideas to have to sit on paper forever though, so now I'm going to post a little bit of The Doodlebook on this blog at a time and hopefully, over the years, I'll load the whole thing. Today we begin the arduous task of uploading all my GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT SCHOOL. #1: Spanish homework can be put off forever.

I've been working on The Doodlebook for years now, and the three volumes are almost jam-packed with every bit of useful information you need to survive. There's the Idiot's Guide to Mixing a White Marinite (my personalized chocolate drink). There's The Periodic Table of Awesome. And of course, there's THE PEEP CODE, which is absolute law among my friends. And don't worry-- although there's a clause about executions, we haven't had to carry one out.

Yet.


Anyway, there are some other things to talk about today, for instance the fact that Pope Francis I has a master's degree in chemistry. A lot of people think this means that he'll be more open to science and its ideas, but I disagree-- if Breaking Bad is any indication, he'll be cooking meth in the Vatican before the week is out. In fact... hmm... maybe that's what the white smoke is. And they've just called Francis in to help them out with the recipe.

Bye!

Gulf Wars: Episode IV: A New Pope

IT IS A PERIOD OF CIVIL WAR WITHIN THE CATHOLIC CHURCH. REBEL PRIESTS, STRIKING FROM HIDDEN LIBERAL COMMUNITIES, HAVE WON THEIR FIRST VICTORY AGAINST THE EVIL CHURCH HIERARCHY.

DURING THE BATTLE FOR POPEHOOD, REBEL SPIES MANAGED TO STEAL SECRET PLANS TO THE EMPIRE'S ULTIMATE WEAPON, THE MOLESTATION COVER-UP, A SERIES OF CONFIDENTIAL EMAILS WITH ENOUGH POWER TO DESTROY AN ENTIRE RELIGION.

PURSUED BY THE CHURCH'S SINISTER CARDINALS, POPE FRANCIS THE FIRST RACES HOME ABOARD HIS POPEMOBILE, CUSTODIAN OF THE STOLEN EMAILS THAT CAN UN-BRAINWASH THE PEOPLE AND RESTORE FREEDOM TO THE WORLD...



Yeah, this is back. As you may remember, I've already written Gulf Wars Episode I: The Phantom Weapons of Mass Destruction, Episode II: Clone of the Attack, and Episode III: Re-hash of the S**t. And while this story doesn't really pertain to the war in Iraq whatsoever, I've been waiting for a good pun for A New Hope to come along for over a year now.

In fact, throughout my life, I've tried and failed to come up with a pun for A New Hope. And EVERY TIME, the only thing I could come up with was "A New Pope." But seeing as we haven't had a new pope for eight years, it was utterly useless. Which is why I'm writing this ASAP.

So yes, A POPE HAS BEEN CHOSEN!!! And he's from South America, or as Europe calls it, "The New World." Oh... s**t... "A New World" might have worked... F**K!!!

Pope Francis the first is Argentinian, making him the first Pope to be from the Americas. Still on the list: Antarctica. Anyway, we'll need to wait a while to find out exactly what his stances are on things like contraception and abortion, namely because no one has ever heard of this man before in their lives. And here's what pisses ME off: CNN announced the new Pope (God, I love saying those words together) practically SECONDS after white smoke rose from the Vatican's chimney. Which makes me wonder... is there some asshole in the bowels of CNN watching a live video feed of that f**king chimney while twiddling his thumbs?

I don't even care. Oh, and if you have some churchly aspirations in life, click THIS video to find out how to become pope.

Bye!

The 85-Year-Old Virgin

I am officially on February break now, and I'm enjoying it immensely. And with so much free time, I have the chance to take up new hobbies. Like painting pictures of myself in the tub. No, wait, that's George Bush's job. Because you see, when the Bush family's emails were hacked this week, self-portraits of the Decider-in-Chief were spilled all over the internet.

I never thought I'd say this, but I love George Bush. Seriously, this is hilarious s**t. The guy has NOTHING ELSE TO DO with his time, and he's painting himself in the shower and bath. Probably at 2:00 in the afternoon. Now, some people are saying that these pictures are a 'cry for help', and that the recurring bathing theme is a metaphor for Bush wanting to wash the blood of Katrina and the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan off his hands. I, however, think it's just a painting of a guy in the tub who thinks that painting scenery is too hard.

But speaking of free time, what about Pope Benedict? He's stepping down at the end of February, so what the hell is he going to do? Make model trains? Troll the internet? Audition for the role of The Emperor in Star Wars Episode VII? Or go on ChristianMingle to try and get some action at the ripe old age of 85?

 
Yeah... good luck with that one, Ben...

And this STILL isn't the coolest story of the week, because today a meteorite in Russia created a sonic boom that injured over 1,000 people. The videos of this famously badass occurrence are all over the internet, and it's some frightening stuff. But apparently, today was the day that an enormous asteroid passed by Earth in the closest extraterrestrial fly-by ever recorded. Coincidence? No.

Anyway, stay tuned for my post about Die Hard 5. And for the rest of the break, I shall relax, enjoy a brief respite from the crushing backlog of homework I have building up, and maybe paint a few pictures of myself in the tub.

Bye!

Indiana Graham and the Search for the Pharaoh's Schlong: Part Seven: Too Pooped To Pope

Time for some recap: This series has been going since late 2010, and the installments have gotten progressively weirder. I'm not in the mood for giving an extensive background for my battles with Uri Geller, but I will explain just so I have something to write about. In 2010, King Tut's 'little Nile' was reported missing by a CREDIBLE NEWS SOURCE. Remember that. Anyway, I've since embarked on many a mission to locate the 'mummified cucumber' and restore it to its rightful owner.

You see, some experts in the field of 3,000-year-old penises have divined that the 'pocket sarcophagus' may have supernatural powers. That's why the revolt in Egypt occurred, that's why Uri Geller (a man who can bend spoons with his mind) has sought after it, and that's why I must have it to add to my ancient Egyptian artifacts collection.

Now that you're caught up, we can begin: I've had my suspicions about the Catholic Church for some time, but never in a million years did I expect that they had found King Tut's 'little Tut'. But the Pope stepping down today has caused me to think. It's quite possible that the Vatican has found it, but Benedict refuses to be part of an organization that searches for ancient dicks. Odd, seeing as he's a bit of an ancient dick himself. I mean, he tolerated molestation but not this?



Whatever, I'm not caring. The point is that, somewhere within the bowels of the Vatican, lies the 'pint-sized scepter' that I and others have scoured the globe for since 2010. But the question still remains: How did the 'teeny cobra' find its way from Egypt to Rome? Well, it's quite simple: During the outbreak of violence in the 2011 revolt, the Muslim Brotherhood found it somewhere in the wreckage of Cairo. Not wanting to allow something of such incredible power fall into the wrong hands, they sent it out of Egypt by boat during the conflict so that Al Qaeda didn't use it to blow up the friggin' world.

But after it sat in the middle of the Mediterranean for months on end, the boat was struck by another boat: THE CONTRA COASTA. This Italian ship ended up running around onshore, but the other ship sank instantly. While uncovering the wreckage, the Italians discovered the hermetically sealed box with the... you know what, I'm officially out of metaphors!

Anyway, they whisked it away to the Vatican while the Egyptians pondered how and why they had lost the most important historical artifact of all time. TA-DAAAAH!

So, what's next? Maybe I'll have to break into the Vatican. And maybe I'll help a few thousand altar boys escape while I'm at it. But mark my words, that... y'know... penis... is somewhere in Rome. It must be found.

Bye!

Pope My Ride

My school is big on assemblies, apparently, and now we all have to go to a Texting While Driving presentation on Wednesday. Everyone in the school has to go, even those of us who can't drive. And for that matter, can't text. I need WiFi to text because I have an iPod touch without a mobile plan... yeah. So this is going to be a good hour of useless information.

Also, I can't multitask for S**T. Seriously. If you try talking to me while I'm playing the piano, I'll just stare blankly at you. I have no way of moving my mouth. So the concept that I would actually have to motor skills to perform two tasks that require a good level of concentration at the same time (one of which endangers my life) is pretty stupid.

Even the slogan is dumb--- "ARRIVE ALIVE: DON'T TEXT AND DRIVE". A little morbid. It reminds me of the street safety slogan that Calvin and Hobbes come up with: "BE CAREFUL, OR BE ROADKILL!" His is better.

But this isn't the biggest news circulating around by FAR. Because just today, Pope Benedict the XVCIUKFFGCV has decided to step down. By the way, I didn't feel like putting in any effort to find out which Pope Designation Number (PDN) he has, so those roman numerals may vary in accuracy.


The Pope in the Popemobile, preparing to return to the Popecave. His ward is Altar Boy the Boy Wonder.

Don't even think for a second that the Catholic Church will change, though: Benedict has surrounded himself with a bunch of yes-men who will undoubtedly vote in someone just like him. Unlike the time they accidentally voted for me. I was Pope for six days, just enough time to hate the funny hat.

However, there may be something far more sinister lurking in the bowels of the Vatican. Remember, this is the first time the Pope has resigned in CENTURIES, leading me to believe that there are some extenuating circumstances. Has he found the original first draft of the Bible? Did he molest some kids? Or did he discover something that has been lost for quite some time now...?

KING TUT'S PENIS!!!

JOIN ME NEXT TIME FOR MORE LUDICROUS TALES OF THE PHARAOH'S SCHLONG!!!