The 85-Year-Old Virgin

I am officially on February break now, and I'm enjoying it immensely. And with so much free time, I have the chance to take up new hobbies. Like painting pictures of myself in the tub. No, wait, that's George Bush's job. Because you see, when the Bush family's emails were hacked this week, self-portraits of the Decider-in-Chief were spilled all over the internet.

I never thought I'd say this, but I love George Bush. Seriously, this is hilarious s**t. The guy has NOTHING ELSE TO DO with his time, and he's painting himself in the shower and bath. Probably at 2:00 in the afternoon. Now, some people are saying that these pictures are a 'cry for help', and that the recurring bathing theme is a metaphor for Bush wanting to wash the blood of Katrina and the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan off his hands. I, however, think it's just a painting of a guy in the tub who thinks that painting scenery is too hard.

But speaking of free time, what about Pope Benedict? He's stepping down at the end of February, so what the hell is he going to do? Make model trains? Troll the internet? Audition for the role of The Emperor in Star Wars Episode VII? Or go on ChristianMingle to try and get some action at the ripe old age of 85?

 
Yeah... good luck with that one, Ben...

And this STILL isn't the coolest story of the week, because today a meteorite in Russia created a sonic boom that injured over 1,000 people. The videos of this famously badass occurrence are all over the internet, and it's some frightening stuff. But apparently, today was the day that an enormous asteroid passed by Earth in the closest extraterrestrial fly-by ever recorded. Coincidence? No.

Anyway, stay tuned for my post about Die Hard 5. And for the rest of the break, I shall relax, enjoy a brief respite from the crushing backlog of homework I have building up, and maybe paint a few pictures of myself in the tub.

Bye!

THE OFFICIAL RNC DRINKING GAME!!!

It's Back to School night, which means that I am home alone while my parents talk to my new teachers. So I'm doing my best to have fun before I get grounded. I'm watching The Losers, blogging, and waiting for How I Met Your Mother to come back on TV.

But while I was surfing the channels, I found the Republican National Convention on channel nine. And boy oh boy, how bad can it get... I think they may have intentionally hired the worst public speakers in the country on purpose.

And so, in the interest of keeping politics scintillating, I have devised the OFFICIAL 2012 RNC DRINKING GAME!!!

• Every time John McCain says 'My friends', drink.

• Every time a former opponent of Mitt Romney fakes a painful, forced smile, drink.

• Whenever a former governor declares that Romney will be a great president, drink.

• Whenever someone says 'The next President of these United States', drink.

• Whenever someone says 'The next Vice-President of these United States', drink twice.

• Every time someone says 'You didn't build that', drink.

• Every time Newt Gingrich says 'My fellow Americans', drink.

• Every time one of Romney's sons speaks a different language, drink twice.

• Whenever Chris Christie looks at Paul Ryan jealously, down your drink.

• Whenever someone refers to George W. Bush as a 'great' president, down your drink.

• Whenever someone mentions the name Herman Cain, down your drink.

• And the most coveted rule of the RNC drinking game... Whenever someone criticizes Ronald Reagan, drink the whole bottle.

Anyway... that's the best I could do on a short notice. Expect one for the DNC sometime soon, and feel free to add on rules as you see fit.

Bye!

SEAL TEAM SIX!

Oh, hiya! The blog site's been down for a few days, so I haven't been able to blog. Also, I have basically nothing to say. So I'm going to give you an update on my stats!

My blog has officially been read in every continent on the planet (besides Antarctica)!!! I was missing Africa, but some wonderful person in South Africa read my blog (twice!). I am very, very content.

Well, there's not much going on in the news, besides the fact that we shot Osama bin Laden IN THE EYE. I hate massive stories like these that just fall apart five seconds after we hear about them because there's NOTHING ELSE TO SAY. It's so frickin' frustrating. I mean, it's all great and wonderful, but we need to get over ourselves. It's ONE GUY. Who, by the way, was sitting sunbathing right in front of us while we dicked around in the mountains of Afghanistan looking for him! EPIC FAIL.

Apparently, I was half-right: There won't be a Call of Duty: Pakistan Compound, but there WILL be a movie called 'Kill bin Laden'. Whoop-dee-freakin'-doo. We're never gonna shut up about this, are we?

What really fries me is that random reporters in Ireland and Germany are now whining about how we should have taken him alive, or shouldn't have conducted the raid in the first place. Are you s***ing me? They say that Osama is no longer a large part of al-Qaeda. First off, they have to swear allegiance to him when they sign up. Second, even if he wasn't, how can you say he didn't deserve what he got? He was the architect of 9/11! And, may I say, Public Douchebag #1!

Also, now Republicans are trying to take credit for the operation, saying it would have been impossible without Bush. Look. Many things would've been impossible without Bush. Many, many things.

God. Think of what would've happened if Bush had either not been elected or had a brain. But you cannot take credit for an operation that was ordered by Obama, carried out under the Obama administration, and was the direct result of Obama ordering the CIA to double its Osama-finding efforts as soon as he came into office! Which means it's time... for a limerick slam.

There once was a president Bush

Who we wanted to kick in the tush

He mispronounced words

He was SUCH a turd

Like a bug we all wanted to squoosh.

Thank you, thank you very much.

Bye!

Opinions: Where I Tell You What You Should Think

HELLOOOO, PEOPLE!!! Today I have something special: CLASSIFIED INFORMATION.

I really should work for the CIA. Oh, wait, I do.

Anyway, there's a book out called Operation Dark Heart, which the Pentagon is buying out and destroying because it allegedly contains classified information. But since I already work for the CIA, I am able to leak a few interesting facts. Here's one: The printing machine on the fourth level of the CIA HQ is broken. No one can figure it out.

That was CLASSIFIED INFORMATION, folks. I have a few other things, but after that, they get kind of boring.

Anyway, the book is out now, buy it before some creepy 7-foot tall guy wearing a suit and tie grabs it off the shelf before you.

Here's another story that jumps out at you like a fireball out of a gas line: A fireball jumped out of a gas line!!!

Last week in San Bruno (which is situated south of San Fransisco and San Anselmo and north of San Mateo and San Diego), a massive gas line ruptured and killed at least four people. It also leveled a neighborhood and began to spread through smaller gas lines, blowing up homes as it went. However, it was still unable to do more damage to the neighborhood than Mel Gibson did to his career.

Since I took 10 days off from reporting news, I obviously missed a ton of stuff. Koran burning, Dr. Laura, Tea Party candidates, and the Bush tax cuts, I will now give you my quick, one-paragraph opinion of each of them:

First off, the only reason Mr. Floridaracistnutjob is even IN the news is because our insane, rabid media needs time to fill 23 full hours of news (not counting ads, traffic checkups, and weather reports). Because I am so vehemently opposed to this, I will not devote any more of this blog to talking about this idiot.

Second, Dr. Laura might as well be called Mrs. Radioracistnutjob. On air with one of her callers, she repeatedly said the word--- TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES. PLEASE STAND BY.

----and she later quit because she didn't want to 'have her first amendment rights violated'. What a complete moron. I've never trusted people who call themselves doctors (but aren't). Actually, I don't trust doctors either, but that's beside the point. This person has absolutely NO right to take calls and tell people what to do with their lives.

Now we move onto our third topic, the Tea Party candidates. Wheeee! Just when I thought I'd heard it all, Tea Party idiots across the nation (okay, actually two or three) defeated their more moderate Republican counterparts in numerous races. So, who are these people? Well, one of them is being investigated for sending porn to some friends via e-mail, and another wants to ban ________ as a form of adultery. Really, I can't say _______ on a blog? Geez, I wonder who the OTHER candidates were.

Finally, the Bush tax cuts, which are set to expire in December. SO CLOSE I CAN TASTE IT!!! What's the matter, quintillionares? Afraid you won't be able to afford that eighth Lamborghini? AWWWW, SO SAAAD.

That's my opinion on all current events. Bye!

Beating Around the Bush

Here's a really short blog chock-full of links to funny George 'Dubbya' Bush videos:

Click HERE for an MSNBC special called 'Is Bush and Idiot?' There's only really one good part, where some NBC dude is showing a video of more stupid Bush-isms.

Click HERE for some of the best George Bush bloopers the world has ever seen.

Click HERE for Dave Letterman's Top Ten Favorite George W. Bush Bloopers.

Click HERE for George Bush insulting a blind reporter.

And Click HERE for Stephan Colbert roasting George Bush.

Bye!!!

Is Our Children Learning?

Click HERE for a hysterical George Dubbya Bush video!!! Showing such famous quotes as 'It'll take time to restore chaos', 'Rarely is our the question asked: Is our children learning?', 'I think man and fish can live harmoniously', and 'I think we should be giving and girls or boys of our country literacy tests!' Streaming through YouTube. Very hysterical. Very funny.

Wow, this was short. Bye!

The Worst Things on Earth

!@#$%^&*(*&^%$##!@#$%^&!!!!!!!!!! I am madder than @#$%^&*(!!! I saw a movie last night about the 2000 presidential election. Oh, boy. It is my professional opinion that George W. Bush was never the president of the United States of America. You have no idea how much of a pain in the @$$ it is to color all those letters. And it's all Katherine Harris' fault.

But before I get so mad that I'm using the F-Bomb on this blog, I think I'll change the subject. I recently noticed that I begin a massive amount of my sentences with the phrase 'You know what I hate?' and then I end with a long tirade about what I hate and why I hate it so much. So, for your viewing pleasure, here are all things that I hate:

Republicans, cold and/or damp towels, uppity yuppies, George Bush, idiot world leaders, raisins, global warming, Hummers, boring walks, stepping in horse poop, overpriced video rentals, Mississippi, Alaska, warm cheese, math textbooks, quicksand, spam, moldy and bruised bananas, dorks, self-help books, when people say money isn't everything, poodles in purses, the 'fact' that we're supposed to drink eight bottles of water a day, orange juice, minty gum, soap operas, bad plays, Borders Books & More, The Home Depot, Toys R Us, dipwads, lead paint, communism, Siberia, nazis, terrorism, one-ply toilet paper, having to change clothes for P.E., cats on leashes, dogs, cold showers, stupid iPod apps, dehumidifiers, dumb sayings like 'jonesing', raisin bran, lumpy cheerios, magazines devoted to mindless drivel, telemarketers, Dick Cheney, Idaho, Texas, Colombian Drug Runners, celebrities, the smell of stables, tea, jammed staplers, my cat's habit of chewing on tape, salmon colored shirts, cliffs, that stupid mounted fish that sings, Sarah Palin, magazine drop-out cards, stucco, bees, my cat's former vet, our idiot neighbor with the car alarm, that weird glow that 'energy safe' lightbulbs give off, our idiot neighbor with the porch light, Keith Olbermann, our idiot neighbor with the dog who constantly bangs his water bowl against the ground, nattily trimmed lawns, fat hamsters, sandals, visors, latex, stucco, crass consumerism, lights without dimmer switches, dictionaries, taxes, typewriters, drool on little kids, people who hate drawing, watermelons, grapefruit, eggplant, sour apples, people who use hearts to dot their 'i's, using your hands to make quotation marks, acid rain, people who misspellerate their words, smily emoticons, people who point to things with their pinkie finger, landfills, wasteful products like paper plates or plastic forks, pompous blowhards, concrete, sporks, persian rugs, pencil lead with cracks in it, wall-to-wall carpeting, sharpie ink, Mongolia, berets, crumpets, doilies, twee-ness, the color pink, wicker baskets, people who don't realize the nutritional value of ballpark nachos, crayons, curling, people who obsess about their hair, Rod Blagojevich, The Wizard of Oz, 'The Nutcracker', family time, Christmas specials, sappy movies, Lassie, the movie 'G-force', self-righteous religious people, e-cards, Bolivia, legal voting/driving age laws, tough erasers, thin mints, people who substitute real four letter words for idiotic sayings such as 'Oh, snickers', people who pretend that frisbee golf takes as much skill and concentration as operating the mechanical arm on a shuttle flight, the Amish, insanely high voting ages, insanely high driving ages, Frank Burns from M*A*S*H, monkeys who throw their s*** at you, fur coats, the smell of cows, jell-o, dry apples, Almond Joys, people who think nerdiness is an insult, stupid questions, people who say there's no such thing as stupid questions, clowns, and excessively negative people.

They're the worst. I'll blog you soon.

Better Know a Cartoonist...

Okay, this is it! I have five more blogs to do before I'm shmuffed, and only four days to do them. That means I have to do two blogs on one day, and why not make that today?

Today's TOPIC OF INTEREST is my new-er feature, BETTER KNOW A CARTOONIST. Today, my personal favorite artist of all time, HERMANN MEJIA!!!

Hermann works for MAD Magazine, and grew up in Caracas, Venezuela. He is the best MAD Magazine artist the world has ever seen (sorry, Mort Drucker and Sergio Argones). His signature style is to exaggerate the features of whoever he's drawing. Sometimes he even sculpts models of his artwork. Not only that, but he's also colorblind! He does all this work without even seeing in color! He uses an extensive color tablet to ink his drawings. Or his wife just tells him what to do. Either way, it seems to work. Here's his model of Bush:

That is a genius work of art. It's my Mona Lisa. Join me next time when I talk about... STEPHAN PASTIS!!!

Today's pearl of anti-wisdom: Nothing is gained by cheating: unless you're cheating on a diet.

And now, time for an edition of MASTER PLAN!!!!! Everyone, you know I believe wholeheartedly in global warming. And if you put that together with the fact that our government is nearing bankruptcy, there is only one conclusion: put a cover charge of $20 for entering a gas station! This will only work if all gas stations do it, because if there's one charging $20 across the street from one with no cover charge... well... which one would YOU go to? another llama mama for obama-rama

Anyway, because of the incredibly high cover charge, no one would want to waste gas, right? Well, then the hummers would go out of business because there would be no demand for a gas-guzzeling expensive car. Less fuel emissions would therefore be pumped into the atmosphere and... ta-daaaaah!!! Global warming--- averted.

But, of course, you couldn't cease our dependency on cars that easily. So when people go to get their gas, the $20 cover charge is sent to the state's government! This would work especially well for my home state of California.

So there you have it. My solution to global warming and governmental bankruptcy.

I'll blog you soon.

The Worst Days of our Lives

KIACHAWANNA BABOSASAUNA. Hellooooo, people of the blogosphere!!! I just had the strangest day of my entire life. It was completely insane, and I rank it the weirdest day of my life, the second worst day of my life, and the second best day of my life. Here is how it began:

Today I did not have pre-period band practice (I play the clarinet), so I got to loaf around until 8:00. That's when I ate breakfast, got dressed, brushed my teeth, and discovered that dad had taken the car keys to work with him in San Fransisco.

I am almost always driven to school, and have never taken the bus in the morning. Until today, because I knew I'd be late for school if I biked, and the car was, of course, out of the question. Worse yet, I have no one to carpool with in my neighborhood. I was DOOMED!!!! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! That's when I remembered that the bus came to a stop just up the street. I grabbed everything I needed for school and ran at near-lightspeed to the bus stop with my mom, who gave me a buck to give the driver.

Now, since I had never taken the bus to school in my LIFE, and have only taken it HOME once, I was panicking. Was I too late to catch the last bus to White Hill? White Hill, by the way, is my middle school. Why they call it that, I will never know.

BUT... LUCK WAS WITH ME, because the bus came, I hopped on, and it drove to school fast as a speeding slug. The nightmare of the day was over.

Or was it???

While playing 'Pickle' at break, I barreled into some random kid who I don't know (I think his name's Riley or something), and fell to the gravel in momentous pain. I limped my way to the office, dripping blood from my left knee and elbow. I was given some ice for both and had to skip third period, which was P.E.

When the bell rang for fourth period, I staggered into class with two bandages and a VERY bad temper. On the bright side, I was setting the World Record for worst consecutive 24 hours achieved by a middle schooler. (At least I remembered all of my homework). During fourth period, I discovered there was a wasp trapped in the classroom. Now, I am highly allergic to wasp stings. In fact, the day I discovered that was the WORST day of my life. If I am stung, I go to the E.R. chop-chop, just like that. So for all of fourth period, I was sitting there not paying any attention at ALL to the teacher and wondering if and when the thing was going to sting me.

Nothing much happened at lunch, besides the usual. Someone pegged someone in the butt with a tennis ball, that someone ran off crying, someone gave someone 'the finger', the tetherball set breaks (again), so forth.

On the BETTER part of my day, I was given a cartooning job by my teacher. I am a HUGE artist nerd, so I nearly screamed for joy. The assignment is to draw pictures for the class to help build vocabulary skills. Not exactly Bill Watterson, but it'll do (great).

So, that was my fantastic day... not yet over. All I know about the rest of it is, I'll watch Spider Man II, have some hot dogs, go to sleep, decompress in a huge way, etc, etc, etc.

And so I end today's blog with a pearl of anti-wisdom: If the last eight years looked good to you, please get your head out of the corn chip bag. It's time to face facts.

Bye!!!

Bushie

Okay, cartoon lovers! I believe there was some confusion as to how to access my cartoons on the Funny Times website. So click the following link (the one that says Bushie) to see my latest cartoon.

Bushie

To see all of my cartoons, click this link and then, once you get there, click 'all by this author' underneath the first panel.

Today's Pearl of anti-wisdom: The sky's the limit--- unless you're Neil Armstrong.

Today's TOPIC OF INTEREST : The Funny Times website people. A week ago, I put my cartoon creating on strike until they created a Sarah Palin character. A week later, I discovered, much to my elation, that they had done so.

I think I love that website.

Bye!

Stupid. The worst disease ever.

Helloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, people! I have discovered the cause of all the world's problems. It is one disease. It is evil. It is....... STUPIDITY!!!

Yes, stupidity is the one evil disease that is killing us all... except, somehow, the people who have it. George Bush. Rush Limbaugh. Dick Cheney. Rod Blagojevich. Mark Sanford. Glenn Beck. All carriers of this horrid disease, yet unaffected by it themselves (Okay, Blagojevich and Sanford were affected, but not from the disease DIRECTLY).

Forget that. The POINT is that this disease is ravaging us in worse ways than the Bubonic Egg, an evil egg that marched rats through Europe in----

Oh. That's PLAGUE. What- EVERRRR! Still, here's a pic of the Bubonic Egg.

OOOOH, shiny. DEATH. DEATH. DEATH!!!!!

ANYway, the point is that stupidity is a disease that CANNOT BE STOPPED! In the words of Jeff Dunham's Achmed the Dead Terrorist, 'THEY WILL KILL US!!!!!' It is the cause of---

*Global Warming. If we had not had stupid back when we invented cars, we would have enacted some strict emissions ban thingy.

*The Wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Paupa New Guinea. (We're not fighting one there? No? No one? Oh, well).

*Kim Jong Il. Hmmmmmmmm... Stupid? Yes.

*FOX News. Yep. Aaaaaaaall stupid.

Unless you count death as one of our problems (which, by the way, can't be avoided. Believe me, I've tried), then you have every problem in the world caused by one disease--- Stupid. That's TOPIC OF INTEREST. I'll see ya soon.

BUSH WARS---- THE REPUBLICANS STRIKE OUT

Hi, everyone (and don't pardon Dick Cheney)!!!!! My blog subject today is, as you may have guessed by now, George Bush- BUT- first, I want you to do something.

Type the following word- Izzerpizzerplumberdizzer- into a google search. It should come up with my blog as the first thingamajig.

NOW- on to Bushie.

Bush is today's TOPIC OF INTEREST , and another part in my GOP= IDIOTS series, after Cheney (is a bag 'o ^*&^&%^&) and Half-Baked Alaska. My other blog, which consists of a video of Obama and Nute Gunray getting *^*&^-ed off at each other, was purely random.

Bush went in as the 'Hero who will deliver us from Al-Qaeda'. He went OUT as the 'Total idiot moron who royally screwed things up'. Much like Cheney, he can now do absolutely nothing to change that image. Unless he leads a secret assassin squad consisting of Spock, Yoda, and Kit Fisto into Afghanistan to kill Bin Laden and succeeds.

He and Cheney decided to keep some LITTLE C.I.A. secrets from everyone and their mother, including Cheney's secret CIA assassin team and the secrets of Gitmo's torturing facilities. If those two idiots thought 'Oh, it's not important enough to inform congress about', then they were HECKA wrong. Both now face quite a few lawsuits.

I love a happy ending. Bush is officially the biggest stupid idiot the planet has ever seen. Besides Palin.

Dick Cheney (is a bag 'o %&^%&)

1001011010010100100111100101010111010010010010101001010101010100101010101010... &*^*&%^(* it, I forgot to take off the 'binary' setting. Today's TOPIC OF INTEREST is Dick Cheney (as you may have guessed). Dick may be the most despicable, detestable, disgusting, dreadful man on earth. He is a TOTAL piece of *(*&. Not only did he not win either election, he also kept CIA secrets, used Bush as his international puppet, and, in the last few years of his term, shot his friend in the patookus. He's the worst VP we've ever had (right up there with Quayle, who couldn't spell the word 'potato'). I have the distinct feeling that he is the most hated man in America now, and he really can't do anything to improve that image.

Join me tomorrow when I do the next addition in my GOP = IDIOTS series. If any Republicans are reading this, please defect to the left, and I

will not order the CIA to waterboard your poodle.

Bye!!!!