Spider-Sham

Yelloooooo, people who are wasting their time reading someone else's blog!!! I don't like doing two blogs on one day, but I need to talk about this, and I thought I'd make it up to my followers (all two of them) for not blogging for seven days. So here it goes:

This evening's TOPIC OF INTEREST is Spider-Man. Back in 1962, when Spider-Man first appeared in Amazing Fantasy comics, no one suspected that it would become the fourth most beloved superhero on the planet, after Superman, Batman, and Nacho Man. Here's a pic of the first comic Spider-Man ever appeared in:

Of course, after the production of this, the editors of Amazing Fantasy knew they had a potential hit on their hands, and published so many Spider-Man comics that they ran out of story lines completely and had to start pulling their issues out of their asses. Of course, that wasn't enough for a public who was scarfing this s*** down like paper, ink, and staples were edible. They then introduced 'The Web of Spider-Man', which introduces a whole horde of new villains such as 'The Beetle' and 'Grizzly' (gag). We were then introduced to completely new series of Spider-Man comics, such as 'Ultimate Spider-Man' and 'The Amazing Spider-Man'. Throughout this, plots and relations were changed, and we were not told what the 'official' Spider-Man timeline was. The biggest pains in the ass was the movies, which revealed that The Sandman killed Spider-Man's uncle, Venom was actually a reporter at a newspaper, and Doc Ock was Spidey's hero. Meanwhile, in the Ultimate Spider-Man comic series, Sandman is the product of genetic mutating by Justin Hammer, who employed Doc Ock as an industrial spy and grafted his arms on, and Venom is Spider-Man's old childhood friend. Here's a brief insight into how Spider-Man characters have changed over the years:

Doc Ock: In the original series, he was a random mad scientist (plus, the art on his tentacles stank to high heaven). In 'The Web of Spider-Man', (the comic series, not the TV show), he was an employee of Osborne Industries, owned by the Green Goblin. (Wow, f'n confusing, no?). In Ultimate Spider-Man, he was created in the same accident that created the Green Goblin and he blamed the person who also created Electro, Sandman, and Kraven the Hunter. Wow. How annoying.

Green Goblin: In the original series, he looked like an old lady and wore a purple nightcap. His son is the 'new' Goblin, his brother is the Hobgoblin, Ned Leeds, his former employee, was the Demigoblin, and so forth. But in Ultimate Spider-Man, his son is the Hobgoblin, MJ (Spider-Man's girlfriend) is the Demigoblin, and the Hobgoblin is a clone of Spidey. Also, in the movie, the Green Goblin has armor and a suit, but in the comics, his skin is actually green and scaly. Also, in Ultimate Spider-Man, he creates the radioactive spider charged with a secret drug called the OZ, which bites Peter Parker and turns him into Spidey in the first place. FYI, don't loose sleep trying to figure this out, 'cause you never will.

Kingpin: In the original series, he's a small-time mob boss. But in Ultimate Spider-Man, he's a big-time gang leader who employed the guy who killed Spider-Man's uncle. But didn't Sandman kill his uncle in the movie? And what about the third guy who was also at the scene of the crime? And get this: He doesn't appear in a Spider-Man movie, but does appear in the 2003 movie, Daredevil, who is a blind superhero also owned by Marvel comics. Daredevil also ends up having a thing for Elektra (not to be confused with Elec-tro). But in Ultimate Spider-Man, Daredevil's dad was killed by the Kingpin, who employs Elektra to hunt a team of vigilantes including Daredevil, Spidey, Moon Knight, and Dr. Strange. Elektra then almost kills Black Cat, Spider-Man's OTHER girlfriend, who he had at the same time as MJ. Who is he, Mark Sanford?But Moon Knight whacks her in the back of the head with a moon-shaped ninja star.

Electro: In the original series, he's a bank robber who is instantly defeated by Spidey. In Ultimate Spider-Man, he was created by Justin Hammer, a bio-scientist dude who also employed Doc Ock to spy on the Green Goblin. He also created Sandman and Kraven the Hunter, as I said. He's then sent to work for Wilson Fisk, aka the Kingpin, and the guy who employed the guy who shot Spider-Man's uncle. He is then classified as an illegal genetic mutation by Nick Fury, who created the Spider-Slayer robots to defeat the clones of Spidey gone bad. Wow. How confusing.

Venom: In the first comics, he was a mysterious villain who shared Spidey's powers. He had an alien symbiote attached to his entire body that can stop bullets. In Ultimate Spider Man, however, it's revealed that the alien symbiote we've known him for for so long was actually created by Spider-Man's dad as a cure for cancer. Eddie Brock, Venom's secret identity, is the son of Spider-Man's dad's business partner. In the third Spider-Man movie, Eddie Brock is a reporter for the Daily Bugle, which Spidey also works for.

Carnage: He was a new arrival in 'The Amazing Spider-Man' (I think) and was a convicted felon who shared a cell with Venom. But Venom's alien symbiote enters his bloodstream and turned him into Carnage. But in Ultimate Spider-Man, he's a living organism distilled from Peter Parker's radioactive mutated spider-blood. Carnage escapes, kills Gwen Stacy, (Spidey's third girlfriend), and falls into a smokestack in the industrial part of Queens.

Scorpion: In the original series, he's created by Peter Parker's nutcase boss in hopes of nabbing Spider-Man. But in Ultimate Spider-Man, he's a clone of Spider-Man gone wrong. Spidey beats him up and brings his unconscious ass to the Fantastic Four. The other Spider-Man clones, Kane, Tarantula, and Spider-Woman, end up wreaking chaos, beginning when Kane turns MJ into the Demigoblin using the same 'wonder drug' that turned Peter Parker into Spider-Man and Norman Osborne into the Green Goblin. Holy crap. This goes on forever.

And finally, Sandman. In the original series, he's mutated after falling into a radioactive pit. Amazingly enough, the movie doesn't change that much at all. But in the movie, he's the one who killed Spider-Man's uncle, not the douche with the baseball cap and the goatee like we originally thought. Sandman, then Flint Marko, is put in jail, escapes, is turned into Sandman, teams up with Venom, battles Spidey, and then gives up. Wow, what a moron. You're IMMORTAL, stupid!!! You don't have to give up!!! Of course, in Ultimate Spider-Man, he's created by Justin Hammer, put in another prison, and then escapes and fights in an epic duel on the White House lawn. Also, in X-Men United (the movie), it's revealed that Sandman and his twin brother fought in Vietnam together. Then his brother touched the Crystal Gem Thing-y of Cytorrak (or something) and became the Juggernaut, who is just as unstoppable as his brother, Flint, aka Sandman. The Juggernaut is defeated when he stumbles into some wet concrete and sinks to the bottom. Wow. So smooth.

So, that was my official Spider-Sham butt-busting. I'll blog ya soon.