Futbol Americano

So here's a thing-- My high school, Drake High, is about three blocks away from a semi-high-end strip mall called Red Hill, and during lunch, students walk over there to buy food (because let's face it, cafeteria food is toxic). But apparently, this is a problem, as you can see from THIS actual news report. For those of you who don't feel like following that link because it's a waste of your time-- and trust me, it is-- it's a story that some asshat over at Kron-4 did about students jaywalking on the way back from lunch. There are so, so, SO many things wrong with this... where to begin?

Firstly, nobody at my school calls Drake "The Drake." Strike one. Secondly, he brings up the 'fact' that dyslexic drivers might misread the speed limit signs as 52 instead of 25. WHAT? That doesn't even make sense! Why would they be driving if that were the case? Why is that remotely relevant to the subject at hand? Is he just TRYING to make the situation seem more dangerous than it actually is, all for the purpose of maligning teenagers? Undoubtedly. Strike two. And thirdly-- Why did he have to get the five biggest assholes from my school on video? I mean, seriously... a lot of the people in that video are dumbasses... but I don't think any of them are dumb enough to "Play chicken with 4-ton cars" as the video asserts. Not like he has any of that on tape to prove it... sure, why not just make shit up? I could do that! Hell, Kron-4, hire me to do your lame-ass segments! I could be a bitchy, whiny tattletale like this guy as well, and I could report on things that ACTUALLY HAVE SOME VALUE IN THE WORLD!

The amazing thing is, this moron and pretty much every living human on Earth has jaywalked at least once in their lives, and it's not a big thing. Nobody dashes across the street while cars are coming-- the point of jaywalking is to take the advantage of a gap in the traffic and cross when nobody's around. Except, apparently, some asshole with a video camera and a grade-school education. At least, I HOPE he only has a grade-school education... if he had gone to high school or college, he could have gotten a job that actually contributes something to humanity. Like flipping burgers at a McDonald's.

Anyway, this is just one out of many, many things that have been pissing me off to no end recently, the least of which is another in a long line of NFL incidents. So let's continue my long-running segment...



Yeah, football is being retarded again. WHAT A SHOCK! Miami Dolphins linebackquarterbacker (who gives a f**k about the terminology) was suspended recently after he incessantly led the locker room torment of a fellow player. That player complained, and all hell has broken loose now, with football junkies complaining about how the player should have manned up and dealt with it. So, my opinion on this? Well, I'm just going to assume that you all see this coming...

BAN FOOTBALL. Seriously, how is this shit still legal? I couldn't care less about the players, because it's their own God damn fault for getting involved in this moronic 'sport,' but I do have a problem with how it dumbs down all of America. I mean, sure, bash your heads in, but don't make everyone else dumber in the process. The fact that people exist who think that there was some kind of problem with what the player did, and that Incognito was fully justified, makes me sick to my stomach. This sport is a f**king cancerous tumor in America.

Phew... I really needed to vent my anger on that one. But yeah, this retarded masculinity contest pretty much serves the public in the same way the gladiators of ancient Rome did: Distracting the public from the things that ACTUALLY MATTER. I am sick to death of people shooting each other in parking lots, flinging beers at each other, and trashing entire cities over whose group of meatheaded sacks of shit is better than the other. Jesus Christ. It's fine if you watch this crap casually (or as a way to see the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders), but if you only like this as a way to live your demented fantasies about masculinity vicariously, please do us all a favor and seek professional help.

Bye!

Superblog CDXCIX

The Superbowl was this Sunday, and the 49ers lost to the Ravens. I suppose it's too much to ask that both the Giants AND the Niners win the World Series and the Superbowl in the same few months... but still, a bit of a disappointment. At least it would be if I cared in the slightest about football. What I care about far more is...

THE SUPER AD BOWL!!!

Yes, every year I award the best Superbowl ad the Vertco Trophy for Excellence in High-Quality Crap®. In the past, it's gone to Doritos and Coca-Cola for their ninja star and border guard ads, respectively. And this year, it goes to (drumroll, please)...

No one. No one at all. Because no matter how good any of the ads this Superbowl were, they were overshadowed by the Go Daddy 'Nerd Kissing a Hot Girl' ad. Apparently, there's been a recent uproar over this ad because it shows a bespectacled geek with cystic acne making out with a supermodel (who reportedly got paid $1,000,000 and had to go through 74 takes). The nerd was not compensated.

In other news, the novel I've been writing for my English class is almost complete. It's kind of a morose story, detailing the failure of epic proportions of a few men trying to kill Hitler at the height of WWII. But I'm at the end, and I need a good finale... "The End." No, too corny. "And he woke up to realize that it was all a dream..." No, to Oz-y. "And that, kids, is how I met your mother." No, I'll leave that one for Ted... anyway, I hope to put links to it on this blog sometime soon... around the time that I post my 500TH BLOG POST OF ALL TIME!!!

Yes, my next post shall be my ultimate 500th. So, how shall I use it? To tell the story of North Korea's latest leaked propaganda? To give my opinion on how the post office is no longer delivering mail on Saturdays? To further the goal of the internet's media in our glorious quest to keep you, our loyal readers, informed?

No. Stay tuned for tomorrow's ULTIMATE 500TH BLOG POST, with a list of my top 25 favorite posts!!! Don't miss it!!! It's going to be legen... wait for it...

Super Ad Bowl 2012

The Super Bowl was yesterday (but then you know that), and as usual, the 49ers weren't in it, so I didn't care. All I watched were the ads. The glorious, glorious ads that make up for the thousands of crappy commercials you have to sit through for the rest of the year. Almost.

Every year I pick the winner of the Super Ad Bowl, and this year's is... drumroll, please...

CHEVY!!! Step right up!!!

HERE is a link to the ad, which is pretty mind blow. It details the last survivors of the Mayan 2012 apocalypse, which wiped out everyone who didn't drive the most dependable truck on the road.

Now, I'd like to take this moment to say something else: Chevy is awesome, but not all car companies are (think back to my coverage of the SF car show). The second-worst car company of all time (nothing beats Toyota) is Honda. I would be fine with Honda as the company that makes watered-down Nissans, but this is going too far.

You see, just two weeks ago, I made a post detailing how to fake a sick day. Then, Honda rips me off, and EVEN GETS MATTHEW F***ING BRODERICK TO DO THE AD! Not only did it COMPLETELY steal my idea, but it also ruined one of the best movies ever.

Honda is officially going on my death list, along with Newt Gingrich, iguanas, and the entire nation of San Marino.

They know what they did.

Bye!

Super Bowling...

THEY WOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!! Greenbay defeated the Steelers! I'm so happy, I could jump off a cliff. In a good way.

This means I get to go laugh in the face of everyone who supported Pittsburgh. The suckers. I laugh. Ha, ha.

But more importantly, the winner of this year's SUPER AD BOWL!!! This year, a 30-second ad cost five million dollars. There were a lot of finalists, including several Chevy ads and a few for Budweiser. But one stood out above all the others. Only one could rival the Doritos® ad from last year and the infamous talking babies! And the winner is...

Coca-Cola, for their spectacular border guard ad! I am now pleased to present the Vertco Official Trophy for Excellence in Advertising! Here you go, Coke people!

Last year, Doritos® won with their unbelievable ninja Doritos® assault ad. Google it and go to videos, or follow THIS link to my 2010 blog about the Superbowl and the Super Ad Bowl.

Bye!

The Fate of the Union

AIIIIDSAKKKON!!! Hello, people who stumbled across this blog randomly! I haven't blogged for way too long (five days), so today's blog needs to be long-ish.

Let's begin with the thing that everyone has been raving about lately. The thing on everyone's minds. That wonderful show, hosted by incredibly famous people in power, which is only on once a year. Wait... am I talking about the Super Bowl or the State of the Union?

My personal bet with my dad on the Super Bowl's outcome ended up winning me six bucks. YEAH! First, I bet that the Colts would beat the Jets and make it to the Super Bowl. That got me a buck. Then we bet on Colts VS Saints and, even though I wanted the Colts to win, I bet on the Saints. Sorry, Peyton Manning. Just not your year.

But it's never really the Super Bowl that anyone watches anymore. It's the ads. I hear this year they actually sold Cheetos® some ad space on the football itself. This year, however, Doritos® won the ULTIMATE SUPER BOWL AD OLYMPICS with its latest ad. I can't really describe it to you. Let's just say it involved some idiots, some dude named Tim, and an alternate use for Doritos®: Ninja Stars.

Of course, after my long Super Bowl coverage I just had, which ate up two whole paragraphs, it's time for something much more boring. The State of the Union. And it's the subject of tonight's TOPIC OF INTEREST.

It's been a whole two weeks since Obama's historic S.O.T.U. (State of the Union), and that's been just enough time for the rabid conservatives here at G-Force to prepare their rebuttal. Hopefully it will not be given by Bobby Jindal. Here we go with...

AN OLD MAN RANT FROM BOB '5-SHOT' SELKOWITZ. The following is not typed or produced by any liberal at G-force. The editor and writer would like to sincerely apologize for the upcoming idiotic Republican rant.

In MY day, a State of the Union would be given by an intelligent, fair person who always agreed with the Republicans. This person, as you may have guessed, was Ronald Reagan. Now, unfortunately, we can't get an angel to pop out of the computer monitor when you read His name. His sons, however, are split over the tea party movement. His son Michael believes that Ronny would completely agree with the tea party movement, aka THE GREATEST CAUSE ALIVE. On the other hand, his son Ronald thinks that the great Reagan would think that Sarah Palin is the epitome of stupidity. How dare he! Doesn't he realize the immense weight he carries? If we can't count on Ron Reagan's kids to be Republicans, then the GOP is DOOMED!

Thank you, 5-Shot. That was... informative. But on to the real State of the Union that our very own Kenyan Muslim Socialist President gave... AAAAGH! He's got me doing it, too!

So, what did everyone think of this massively important speech? Well, I think it embarrassed John Boehner, seeing that by the end of it, he had turned a shade of orange that is only found on the belly of certain newts. But, since the Right was so secretive about their feelings on the speech, from when they didn't applaud to when they stayed stuck to their seats for so long I thought they had sat in gum, we may never know.

Bye!