Republican't

I haven't blogged for a few days, so to up my post count, I will now present to you the list of possible Republican presidential nominees for 2012! And no liberal manifesto of right-wingers would be complete without my classic, patented left-wing slant! Here goes! It's time for...

IDIOT REPUBLICANS and why I can beat them.

First, we have Newt Gingrich, the obvious choice. Unfortunately, he doesn't have any support from the Democrats, and he's said some pretty outrageous things. Plus, he constantly preaches family values, but he's on his third or fourth wife. Who knows, I've lost count.

Then we have Rick Santorum, a new idealist who unfortunately is suffering from what has been dubbed as a 'Google Complex'. When you search his last name on the internet, you don't come up with the guy, you come up with... well... suffice to say, his biggest problem may be name recognition.

Then we have Donald Trump. Hoo boy. Do I have to say anything? This guy is the most disgusting human being on the face of the Earth. He could have played Jabba the Hutt in Star Wars. Actually, that's the perfect role for him. He'd just have to lose the hair.

There's also Herman Cain, a columnist and rabid Republican, who unfortunately was recently quoted saying he doesn't care much for muslims. Oopsy. Not his exact words, of course, but I don't want my blog besmirched with racism.

There's Scott Walker, the governor of Wisconsin who recently preformed surgery on the state's budget. Unfortunately, no one in the state really cared for his enormous funding cuts. On the upside, he's definitely getting the youth vote, especially those still in college: Who wouldn't want their evil homeroom teacher to be fired?

And now for the dynamic duo: Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachman. Here's how much they aren't going to be president: they each have about 85% of Americans who think they couldn't possibly be president. No, not because of gender bias: because Palin and Bachman are complete idiots.

There's Mitt Romney, who at first seems like the front-runner. But his so-called 'Romneycare' is seen by many self-proclaimed idiots as a precursor to 'Obamacare'. So much for the tea party vote.

There's Mike Huckabee, but he's too much of a Bible-thumping lunatic to win any kind of popular support. What a shame.

Finally, we have a little-known congressman called Jon Kyl. In a speech to the senate a few days ago, he declared that 90% of Planned Parenthood services are abortions. The actual number is 3%, but thanks to Kyl, the new statistic is on the senate record. Kyl's office later released a statement saying that his comment was 'Not intended to be a factual statement'. Well, the people on Twitter had something to say about that. Led by Stephen Colbert, people began tweeting 42 times per minute things such as 'Jon Kyl eats babies for sustenance', and tagging them with the phrase '#NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement'. How fun.

So, there you have it: The hopefuls for 2012 and why they suck.

Bye!