Test Without Rest

STAR Test week is back, and as you may remember from previous years, I have all the answers for you right here! AJBHCGAGCHCHBFBJDGAHBFBGCGCFCFAFCJAHAGBFAFDH
DGCHCFBHCJBJBHAJBFCJBJBFAHBACJBFBFBGB!!! So, what does it look like this year? Well, there's a lot of Bs, so B is the 'panic letter', or the letter that you select too much, then look back at your answer document and say "F**k, this can't be right." D and J are, as always, the 'hooks', meaning they're barely selected at all. Today's answers were from the ELA-9th Grade Version 2 test. And if you ask me why I do this, well...

I've been saving my STAR Test answers for years now to formulate a theorem to predict which letter comes next in the sequence. And surprisingly, there are some patterns. There's the 'back and forth', where it goes FBFBFB, designed to make you flip f**king s**t. There's the 'mirror', where the first two or three in a column will mirror the first two or three in the opposite column. And there's the 'God dammit', where it's something like AFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAFAF for friggin' forever.

But remember, these patterns are devised by sadistic teachers to trip you up and make you panic. I heard of a True or False test once where every question's answer was False. That's enough to make your head explode.

 
Of course, there's also the types of test takers you have to rely on. There's the TRY-HARD, who checks and double-checks their answers a thousand times before finally turning the test in, and doesn't care that they're the last f**king person to hand it in. This person usually ensures that you will have only a few minutes after the test to talk to people before the bell rings. There's the SNIFFLER, who makes small sniffles, sneezes, and coughs throughout the test and distracts the crap out of everyone. I blame the moron who put STAR Testing right in the middle of April. There's the SLACKER, who makes funny noises with his mouth and expects no one to notice. This guy ends up using his iPhone halfway through the test and gets suspended. And finally, we have the IDIOT, who bubbles all his answers in to form the outline of a penis.

I fall into none of these categories (I hope), but I know why most people do. For years, students thought that the STAR Test was the most important thing in their life, and if they didn't get 100% on it, they would get an F in the class. But the amazing thing is that the STAR Test doesn't actually affect your grade at all. It's a test for the school to see if the teachers are any good, and if the grades that the school is reporting are accurate. And so the teachers gave long, loooooong speeches about how the tests don't matter.

Well, some people really took that to heart, and now they've become YOLOing SWAGging morons who don't even try on the STAR Test. Which really sucks, because they end up bringing the overall score for the school down and lowering everyone's chances of getting into college. But I highly doubt that the league of converse-wearing, mouth-breathing, beer-drinking f**ktards really care about that anyway.

Bye!

Boston Massacre

Whenever my history teachers lead off the unit on WWI, they begin it by saying "Now we're gonna talk about the stupidest event in human history." And I'm kinda starting to see why. According to my badass history teacher, it all started because some guy killed the Archduke of Austria-Hungary. Fan-f**king-tastic. And so then 250,000 people died to gain one mile in trench warfare.

This is the only unit that my friend Calvin will end up getting an A on, mainly because he suffers from a clinical addiction to Call of Duty: Zombies. My friends and I already know all this stuff anyway, because it's happening in the background of EVERY VIDEO GAME WE'VE EVER PLAYED.

But speaking of death and destruction, two bombs went off at the Boston Marathon today, killing two people. You know what that means-- TERRORISTS!!! Yep, everyone's blowing this all out of proportion (no pun intended... seriously... that's awful) and saying that some radicals from Afghanistan, Pakistan, or Idon'tgiveaf**kistan blew up the marathon. So, two things: First off, if we want to find out who did this, we just look at the marathon's records and find out who came in second last year.

At the end of the day, the silver medal is just another way of saying "Really? You wasted your childhood for this?"

And secondarily, if this actually WAS a terrorist attack, why would they blow up the marathon? Do they want to destroy America by making sure we're out of shape? If they had a bomb, why wouldn't they put it in a place like a town hall or something? So many questions that need to be answered!

Honestly, people are probably overreacting to this. But I could be wrong-- maybe a radical Shiite Muslim terrorist from Algeria somehow got it through his head that planting a bomb in the Boston Marathon would further his cause. But as I said, I doubt it.

But there's another big story today: IT'S TAAAAX DAAAAAYYYY!!! So mail your s**t, or the IRS will show up at your front door in a few days with assault rifles and that torture rack from Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back.

Bye!

Death From Above

Okay, is it just me, or should Iron Man 4 be in North Korea? Here's the plot: Robert Downey Jr. (not Tony Stark) is on vacation in South Korea, but he's kidnapped and taken across the border by North Korean agents. They bring him to Kim Jong Un, who orders him to build the Iron Man suit to his specifications (shorter, squatter, fatter). Downey says no, telling Kim that it's just a movie, which angers Kim even more. So he says that the suit must be built by the end of the week or he'll kill him. Fortunately, Downey has studied the suit on-set, and is able to build one and escape overnight, in the process destroying North Korea's only supermarket. He flies back to America, eats cheeseburgers, and freedoms all over the place while Kim cries into his pillow. Now that his people are starving, he orders a nuke strike on US soil, but Robert Downey Jr. foils his plot by sewing $100 bills into an enormous missile net circling the globe. The day is saved, and Kim Jong Un commits seppuku.

In other words, I'm TOTALLY PSYCHED ABOUT IRON MAN 3!!! WOOO-HOOO! After the astronomical disappointment that was A Good Day to Die Hard, I need a new movie to rally around, and this looks like it's gonna be it. You may have noticed that I haven't been reviewing many movies lately, but that's because my parents have become addicted to Breaking Bad.

It's been a slow news week. How do I know? The headline on Friday's issue of The Week was about Margaret Thatcher's death. When the headline of my favorite magazine is about one person-- 1 F**KING PERSON-- dying, it's a slow news week.

...OR IS IT? Buried deep in my weekly source of news, I found this headline: A LASER BLASTER TO PROTECT THE NAVY. That's right. Friggin' lasers. Apparently, a $40 million prototype laser has been installed aboard an assault ship in the Persian Gulf, which uses triangulated energy to burn holes in s**t. And we're STILL LOSING WARS. Christ...

But do you know what this means, people? We are just a few years away from having laser blasters instead of crappy revolvers and shotguns. That's a whole NEW game for the NRA to play. And within a few decades, who knows? Dare I say it...?



THE FRIGGIN' DEATH STAR!!! OH MY GOD LASERS!!! PEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEW!!!

I'm kind of hyper right now, but you have to admit that this is amazing s**t. Unfortunately, the White House has already struck down a petition to build the Death Star, citing the estimated $60 trillion price tag. So now I'm announcing my candidacy for President of the United States in 2016. And I promise you now-- within my first 100 days in office, we will have a comprehensive plan to build a Death Star to strike fear into the hearts of our enemies.

Bye!

Gunshy

Well, four months after Newtown, it's finally happening. Two senators have declared that they're putting through bipartisan gun law reform. Unfortunately, this comes in the wake of a stabbing in Texas, where some nut stabbed 14 people at his community college. So now we're going to have to get restrictions on knives as well.

As much as I support gun control, I can't imagine so-called 'bipartisan' reforms having any impact on our gun laws. Republicans have already killed the assault weapons ban, and they're still crusading against background checks. What kind of messed-up country do we live in where you can't marry who you want, but you can stockpile 'cop-killer' bullets?

Disheartening as it may seem, crazy people will find ways to kill people no matter what restrictions we have on them. So why not start looking for background checks on knives as well? And while we're at it, why not Bibles? I saw John Dies at the End last night, and DAMN, that book's able to do some DAMAGE!



Sarcasm aside, the real key to preventing s**t like this is finding crazy people when they're young and getting them help. OR, we could annex some island, like Trinidad or something, and make them all live there. Then the rest of the world could send all their cuckoo maniacs there as well, and they could live out their days throwing coconuts at each other while we enjoy some peace and quiet. Only problem is, they might not all fit on one island.

And here's a fascinating (and true) point made by some pundits out there: The Newtown shootings could not have been prevented with background checks on guns. The shooter obtained his weapons from his mom. So now should we not allow people who KNOW mentally ill people to have guns?

Of course, there are countless other mass killings throughout the history of the US that could have been prevented with more gun laws... so now everyone's arguments are being turned around and twisted like pretzels. And back to the point I was making earlier-- I don't want to have to waste time at school while teachers give PowerPoint presentations on suicide and homicide in an effort to identify 'at risk' students. It's a colossal waste of my time.

The unfortunate reality of the matter is that there may be no good way to prevent things like this from happening. Like I said, crazy people will find ways to kill other people no matter what. Now all we're doing is trying to lower the body count. Yeah, depressing, I know.

If you want a pick-me-up, rent John Dies at the End. I won't spoil it for you, but it's pretty awesome. Today's Doodlebook quote: #9: Cheaters never prosper, unless they're subtle about it, in which case they can live quite comfortably.

Bye!

The Great Democratic People's Republic of North Korea

Another day, another threat of global nuclear war from North Korea. Kim Jong Un doesn't seem to have been calmed down any by his bro Dennis Rodman, and now they've gone back on the armistice of 1953 that they signed with South Korea. This is a harrowing turn of events, but we're only seeing one side of it. And you know that, as a blogger, I have always tried to see all sides of an issue before making an informed and intelligent decision.

LOL no. But I will today. Because I have gotten in touch with AN ACTUAL NORTH KOREAN NEWS REPORTER!!! His name is Kuarigamisamasan, and he's the only person you can talk to in order to get an accurate record of life within the hermit kingdom. Here's his firsthand account of what things are really like in North Korea. Take it away, K!

In Great, Powerful, Shining, and Glorious People's Republic of North Korea, all of the subjects of the Great, Powerful, Shining, and Glorious leader Kim Jong Un are well cared for and happy. We are well fed and there are no rampant food shortages as the western medias would have you think. Please desist in asking.

Great People's Republic of North Korea is ready at any time to join hands with trifling and misled south to engage in free exchange of idea, including but not limited to Glorious Nature of Kim Jong Un, nuclear weapon generic product factories, and food please.

  
BOW DOWN BEFORE THE INCREDIBLE POWER OF SYNCHRONIZED MARCHING!!!

DPRK is very prosperous, and our economy can be seen growing from space it is that large! Thousands of world leaders flock to DPRK to learn world politic from great leader Kim Jong Un. DPRK also possesses the most breathtaking and glorious hills, trees, and puddles the world has to offer!

Be warned however: DPRK is also in possessment of glorious and mighty nuclear weapon launchers! Our nuclear weapons measure many thousands of units on global standard for measuring radiation. We are also in possessment of state-of-art delivery system for bringing payload directly to capitals of many world countries across the world! 

Well, I'm gonna cut him off there, but you get the general idea. North Korea is even worse than we thought. And for those of you who think that I've been overusing this typewriter-font thing, I have two words for you: NOT CARING.

Today's Doodlebook quote: #8: After six years of Spanish class, all you will remember is 'Me gusta.'

Bye!

Revolutionaries V: Going From the Past to the Future to Gain Knowledge of the Present

I've obtained my Camaro once more... don't ask me how. I had to ride in a COVERED F**KING WAGON across the West. Worse still, I had no internet access. I've been stuck playing Doodlejump on my iPod using what little battery life I have left. Also, the cover got dented... I hate everything.

But at long last, I'm back in the racing stripe-painted naugahyde saddle (so to speak), and I'm calibrating my time machine as I write this. Eerily, naugahyde was created in the lab of Dr. Naugajekyll. Anyway... my trip to the past was a pain in the ass. None of the Founding Fathers would change any of the s**t they put in the Declaration of Independence no matter what I told them. F**k it. I'm done. No more time traveling for me.

Today's Doodlebook quote: #7: The Metric System sucks.

But here we go! My Camaro has finished its calculations, and I'm off to 2013 again! Here we go!


Oh s**t--- too far in the future. Hold on... recalibrating...
  
Hmm... maybe I should have stayed in 1776. Anyway, I'M BACK, FOOLS!!! So let's check 'the Google' and see what I've been missing out on. Hmm... North Korea's got the bomb and we're all gonna die... Democrats and Republicans are fighting... and there is conflict in the Middle East. Did I not call that?

Oh, and Roger Ebert died. 'Tis a sad day for film critics everywhere (myself included). I don't consider myself a professional film critic, but I write movie reviews on this blog semi-regularly. Ebert made critics out of all of us. He will be missed. That said, (to quote South Park) "Roger Ebert should lay off the fatty foods." Click HERE for the Rotten Tomatoes obit for him.

Bye!

Revolutionaries IV: The Curious Case of Benjamin Franklin

Yes, I'm still stuck in 1776. Big whoop. I can't comment on whatever news stories are going on right now, but I can hazard a guess: North Korea's got the bomb and we're all gonna die, Democrats and Republicans are arguing, and there is conflict in the Middle East. Did I call it? 

So yes, I made it to Philly just in time for the Fourth of July, as well as the first annual Philly cheesesteak cook-off. And guess what? THE FOUNDING FATHERS ARE F**KING ASSHOLES. When I told them that we would have to fight a civil war over slavery, Charles Pinckney said he "Didn't give a flying f**k", and Benjamin Franklin just sat there picking dirt out from under his fingernails. F**k this s**t, I'm done.

So I'm going to come BACK TO THE FUTURE soon, as long as I can locate my time machine. As you may recall, it's somewhere in Mexico (probably being covered in spikes and then driven into a horde of charging Spaniards).



I can't believe how unhelpful the founding fathers were. George Washington couldn't get anything done, as he was too busy picking splinters out of his gums. And we've based a COUNTRY on these morons. God damn it...

Today's School Truth: Taking a test in PE is like going on a bike ride in history class. Which reminds me, I have a history test this week, and I'm gonna ACE it now that I've invented a time machine. Think of the possibilities--- I can just go back in time and tell myself to study more!

Bye!